Are we punishing men?

Are we punishing men when we cheat on them? My brother sexually abused me. Am I vicariously punishing him, or settling the score, by cheating on other men?

It's common for HPDs to play roles according to a childhood script. Sometimes if her relationship with her father or other male relatives led her to having conflicts in later life, she will try to rewrite the earlier script in her relationships with partners. She might not be consciously trying to punish men, but if she is left feeling angry,let down or abandoned because of her childhood, she will try to put right all the wrongs that were done to her, and she may feel hostile towards the men that she meets. This will not usually be conscious or deliberate, but it may come across in the way that she acts with her partners.

Unless she revisits her childhood with the help of a therapist, or by examining her history through self awareness and self analysis, she may continue this pattern with every relationship that she has.

Have you had any kind of therapy or support for the abuse that you suffered?

An HPD response only thread? I ask out of respect...

Crystal hasn't indicated if it's for HPDs only. There can surely be no harm you replying respectfully if it helps her gain clarity?

interesting idea crystal.

orion8591 wrote:An HPD response only thread? I ask out of respect...

masquerade wrote:Crystal hasn't indicated if it's for HPDs only. There can surely be no harm you replying respectfully if it helps her gain clarity?

yes, anyone can respond. if I haven't indicated a restriction, then there is none.

Crystal
I sense a powerful, sensitive, but very important thread, and so I don't want to derail it or discourage you or any other women from posting because I'm male, or derail it with a 'him vs. her blame game.' So for the moment ladies forget I'm a man, and if other men are out there reading temporarily forget you ever got hurt by a woman...

Some women who might be HPD or some other form of PD or maybe just really angry could be seeking punishment, and revenge. It makes perfect emotional sense, given what a lot of women have experienced. I have been in a dating and a brief live-in relationships with several women who had HPD or NPD-like qualities; the first, more like dependent HPD, told me tearfully over dinner one night that she had been molested by an uncle from a very early age. The other, who was kinda more like NPD, told me she had been forcibly raped while at summer camp and she also had been physically abused by a previous b/f; she seemed enraged at some deep level and at times it vaguely felt like she wanted to destroy me in some way. Paradoxically, she lamented after our emotional break up that "I kill everything I touch."

Sometimes with g/f's like these who seemed to have some hidden history of abuse or truama I felt as if I was the next guy to step in and act out the male part in a drama. Like Masquerade says, I was now reading a script, along with my g/f, who in turn had another script. It's an eerie feeling, like you remind her of someone else.

So maybe you are trying to punish men, because you felt like you were once wronged by men but got no justice - you were abused by your brother and unprotected by your father (?) and so it is understandable that you are really angry and that maybe you resent them both in particular and resent and devalue men in general. Perhaps you could not express your anger then, at the time of the abuse, but it has built up over the years and needs to be 'bled off' like pressure cooker, or you feel like you will explode. Anger is a powerful feeling and as such it needs no rational justification; if I stepped on your toe you would feel pain and you would say "ouch, you are on my toe" so I would quickly get off your toe. That's ok, and being angry at a powerful unresolved issue like sexual abuse is also ok. Anger demands release and one way it is released is when a guilty aggressor is punished. But for whatever reason your brother who abused you, and your father who perhaps did not protect you, are unavailable to be punished, and so maybe punishing facsimile placeholders that at least vaguely represent your brother and father is your way of releasing your anger (and, perhaps you choose guys similar to your brother and father for that purpose). After you dump or mistreat a guy, do you feel powerful, kinda like "yeah, this time I won, I wasn't the victim, I was the strong one." Kinda sensed this when you commented about the Monroe quote in the other thread.

Only problem with punishment and revenge is it doesn't seem to really heal anyone, plus in punishing an innocent guy who might actually be a decent match for you, you could be missing out on the really good healthy relationship that you deserve. Also, chronic anger is destructive to your health over the long term.

Think about it: if you give up on that potential relationship then in a way you are still being abused; the life and love you should be enjoying is still being taken away from you.

If any of this rings true, if I were you I would follow up with a qualified therapist, maybe a female one who specializes in sexual abuse. You seem like you are young, have the resources and you are obviously intelligent, so why not give it a try?

Best,
o

You are punishing yourself..

When you make a deal with someone and you break that deal you are not being honest with yourself. You or not being honest with that other person. THis is a sign of self hatred and wanting to hurt ones self, that way Im aways reliving the trauma. I am a person in the most core levels of pain. Im always in trauma. Im in the thick of it... Im the one causing the action.. I break my agreement with someone because I like the way it feels to destroy. Its sadistic pleasure. I like It. Its exciting to have that amount of power and control. Its exciting... However, it causes great damage.

It is not punishing men.. It is punishing the innocent child that is being protected in the man. This child is from God, and is connected to God. So if Im attacking the child in someone, then it is the innocent child in them that I hate. It is this innocent child that I want destroyed, I want to kill. Possibly I want to kill the child's creator, secretly I want to kill God. In this case through betrayal.

Why do I hate the innocent child in this person. Because I hate the child in me. I hate what happened to the child in me. I don't want to look at it.. I want the child in me to go away. I don't want to be me anymore.

I could have real love. Instead I cheat and have to start over and over and over again..... That way I stay in the drama and never move to a higher level..

One problem with having a reputation for cheating on people is, I will never attract a real honest person. All I ever attract is people like myself, a cheater... Honest people will not come around me if they think Im deceiving people in relationships at the level your suggesting.. Something to think about. Reputation is a horrifically important thing. A Good name is better then Gold. Its the only way that others know if Im safe or not..

I think YES..

They deserve to be punished if they are bad.
Sometimes other men has to learn too..

So they won't commit the same crap!

We are actually teaching all mankind something..and that's NOT to mess up with us!
King- Fu here I come!

It sounds as if you've got a great deal of anger. Sometimes though, the anger can be expressed towards men in general, when in actual fact it could be expressed more directly towards the person in particular who caused the harm? Anger that is felt towards the world or men in general can cause damage if it isn't worked upon and dealt with. It isn't men per se who have harmed you, but one or two men in particular. Defensiveness and barriers can be put up to protect a person from further hurt, but in the long run, it can hurt so much more to push people away.