Questions for HPDs from Nons (Could be Triggering)

Hi hun, I answered these questions in your thread.

Need advice in dealing with girlfriend suffering from undiagnosed BPD/HPD.

She's demanding an engagement ring for our 2-year anniversary.
I've told her for months that our relationship should get to a better place before we consider major changes. I feel that you don't build a house on a foundation that isn't sturdy and secure.

She's basically told me my options are to get engaged or leave.
I've told her that the former is not an option, but the last thing I want is to leave. I want to help her through what she's dealing with, but I'm such a major part of her life, so I don't know how to help. When do I decide it's time to consider self-preservation?

In answer to the original thread question, I've never been formally diagnosed. I've always thought of myself as having Avoidant Personality Disorder with some traits of ASPD. A friend of mine that I met in high school and who is now a physician has suggested I seek treatment for HPD. Jokingly, after my divorce and after I sought his friendship again, he said he thought I had "damsel in distress syndrome". He did not think it was serious at the time. Now, he thinks that during some periods in high school when I thought I had APD (avoidant), I may actually have been suffering from depression. He thinks I may have some ASPD traits but says its unlikely, that I use those traits to cope and to get attention when I feel I have suffered some "trauma". The only thing I don't like is that I don't want to be gullible anymore and also do not want to be as easily influenced as I am. He thinks I also need to be able to handle and recover from, and move on after failed relationships. The biggest problem is that I get bored with work, at school, I became bored, lacked discipline and easily became unmotivated resulting in me having to move from job to job and not reaching my full potential academically.
When I asked my friend why he did not tell me this before, he said that most HPD's do not require treatment and that it is often "acceptable" for women to display HPD traits, hence the "damsel in distress" and many become successful in life without any problems as a result of their affliction. However, when it results in job losses, not reaching full potential academically, and severe depression and lack of motivation after relationship failures or lack of motivation the minute one thing does not go according to plan and allowing it to affect work performance and life in general is serious enough to require treatment or therapy. Even the smallest thing can trigger severe depression in me and I "give up" or become totally unmotivated. This has caused many problems in my life.

@fracas

Re: girlfriend. If you told her that getting engaged is not an option, how did she deal with it? A person with severe HPD cannot take such rejection and may go as far as suicide to demand attention. Most will just seek medical care and be treated for depression. If you don't want to leave, then don't. If you decide to leave, an unethical option would be to fix her up with someone else and allow it to be her decision, but she'll soon figure it out and it may result in worse problems.
The most difficult thing to do is to end a relationship with a person with HPD. I would consult with doctor on how to do it. I would also advise her to seek help at the end of the relationship, most will do this anyway and go through a phase of "pay attention to me, I am a woman scorned, or deeply wounded". She will exaggerate the pain of the end of the relationship.
If you can make her understand that you are not ready to get engaged but do not want to end the relationship (assuming you honestly do not want to end the relationship) and are willing to work at it, that would be great. I do not know how you could manage that.

Jeslyn wrote:@fracas

Re: girlfriend. If you told her that getting engaged is not an option, how did she deal with it? A person with severe HPD cannot take such rejection and may go as far as suicide to demand attention. Most will just seek medical care and be treated for depression. If you don't want to leave, then don't. If you decide to leave, an unethical option would be to fix her up with someone else and allow it to be her decision, but she'll soon figure it out and it may result in worse problems.
The most difficult thing to do is to end a relationship with a person with HPD. I would consult with doctor on how to do it. I would also advise her to seek help at the end of the relationship, most will do this anyway and go through a phase of "pay attention to me, I am a woman scorned, or deeply wounded". She will exaggerate the pain of the end of the relationship.
If you can make her understand that you are not ready to get engaged but do not want to end the relationship (assuming you honestly do not want to end the relationship) and are willing to work at it, that would be great. I do not know how you could manage that.

So true so true. Speaking from experience, I might be wrong but a woman with HPD not getting her way in a relationship is full of empty threats of leaving. She will want to drag you down and punish you with guilt for dealing this blow to her.While your message might be about problems in the relationship its taken personally. I bet the problems stem from her HPD and the antics displayed. Its only going to go downhill here. My take is that "marriage" will be the only topic she wants to discuss.

Jeslyn wrote:A person with severe HPD cannot take such rejection and may go as far as suicide to demand attention.

She has recently (with unrelated subjects) mentioned that she's started thinking about self-harm.
I'll be the first to admit I don't handle it well. When she starts acting like a 5 year-old, I really try to just ignore it or change the subject, but she's persistent.
When she gets upset, she's suddenly stricken with a fever and makes constant comments in search of affection. Lately, there were a couple of nights when she started crying, and the fake sniffling, etc. grew louder until I awoke and eventually acknowledged her, which is what she wanted.
I have a hard time with it, because I remember my sister acting exactly like this... when she was 7.

Can medication treat some of the symptoms so she's not so affected by it? She was briefly on anti-depressants but stopped after a few weeks with the excuse that they caused suicidal thoughts. Unfortunately, there's this cry-wolf syndrome I'm facing which makes it hard for me to accept anything she says about her condition as true.

Question for HPD from a non:
Been with an un-diagnosed HPD for over two years. Have broken up four time in that time scale. Only recently found this forum and she fits the bill. Twice she has-as I have just found out- she has went with members of her fan club then back to me. Usually the break up lasts around 8 to ten weeks we get back together for about 4 to 6 months. We have recently parted and it was amicable had a couple of texts as a member of her family is in hospital. Main reason for breaking up and on reflection same as the others is that I cannot or am not able to care for her. Was wandering if I am possibly out of the woods. She herself is apparently also suffering from now thyroid problems.
Answers/strategies please. We also work in the same department nightmare

whiteknight6 wrote:Question for HPD from a non:
Been with an un-diagnosed HPD for over two years. Have broken up four time in that time scale. Only recently found this forum and she fits the bill. Twice she has-as I have just found out- she has went with members of her fan club then back to me. Usually the break up lasts around 8 to ten weeks we get back together for about 4 to 6 months. We have recently parted and it was amicable had a couple of texts as a member of her family is in hospital. Main reason for breaking up and on reflection same as the others is that I cannot or am not able to care for her. Was wandering if I am possibly out of the woods. She herself is apparently also suffering from now thyroid problems.
Answers/strategies please. We also work in the same department nightmare

If you are looking to rid of her - a sure fire way, for me at least, is if she contacts you; be super nice and drop the hint you are preparing for trip with someone you met. If she has a reaction to it; apologise and explain to her that the relationship has evolved into something serious and wish her the best. Even if you don't have anyone. Make it up. She will instantly devalue and no longer be interested. That would do it for me.

Oh and just because you work together , so what. Its none of her business who it is and your going away for the week end. You have a life outside of work and its private.

Thanks, so the I cannot have you will help her move on. In my mind I thought this would make matters worse. I expect no contact now for several days so I will use this strategy. As I am sure that she has been overlapping relationships and she is doing it now. Seems that if it doesnt work out she comes back to me with a drama to engulf me again. Thanks

whiteknight6 wrote:Thanks, so the I cannot have you will help her move on. In my mind I thought this would make matters worse. I expect no contact now for several days so I will use this strategy. As I am sure that she has been overlapping relationships and she is doing it now. Seems that if it doesnt work out she comes back to me with a drama to engulf me again. Thanks

Oh it might make matters worse. You have been her help line and we hate losing that. You have obviously shown dedication to her as well. Only use this if she contacts you. If she asks for help be very sympathetic and offer alternatives. If she is desperate then help her this "one time" but explain you do not want this to jeapardize your new relationship. And please - go away for the weekend because she will check on you. If she asks who the girl is just tell her that it is not anyone she knows and that you wish to keep your personal life private. You need this time. Make it about you but be sympathetic and nice to her. Your protecting your "new girlfriend". She won't be happy but its the ultimate excuse.