HPD and bisexuality (Nons & HPDs)

Thank you for your kind words

This is an old post, but I am adding my experience with a HPD male in case it can help others.

My (diagnosed) Appeasing/infantile/ Theatrical HPD fiancée had online relations with anyone who would pay him attention (men, women, trans etc). In real life he was only with women.

Here is how he says it escalated, and how he thinks the HPD drove his sexuality.

As a boy thru young adult he claims he had no interest in men. He did have a BDSM/latex interest solely as a submissive in his late teens and 20's, and was exposed, through "friends", to a subculture immersed in pornography/sexuality. I am sure this period of his life was a major influence as he would do "anything" to fit in.

He states the HPD kept him from forming bonds with people. He was beat up a lot as a kid by men and did not trust them. He had 1 girlfriend up until he was 38 and only a handful of real sexual experiences. In his late teens he already had an online porn addiction to straight porn. He was also hypersexual.

Then things started to change online by his early 30's. As he grew "bored" of the straight stuff, and women were harder to engage with online, he started on a sexual path that included men and transsexuals. By his mid-to-late 30's the online partners had grown to 70-80% male (trans) and 20% female. Mostly chat, mostly gay BDSM and fetish sites as a submissive. He shared in numerous rape fantasies when he would "please" these men.

Somehow, he only questioned his sexuality briefly during this, but decided he was not gay or bi since he was not sexually or romantically attracted to them. However, he never questioned as to WHY he kept doing it.

Fast forward to his HPD diagnosis this year.

He still feels the reason he sought men and transsexuals online was for attention and a connection to another person, as he received the most attention from men. She would dress up in fetish gear and try to "seduce" them. Trying to seduce women online was harder so he found the easiest fix was with guys.

He says although the chat was sexual, he got his thrill from the attention and wanted so bad for someone to talk to him, so yes, I believe in his case, with his HPD, he could fluidly move through attention sources, get what he wants and move on. He has said on numerous occasions he was "starving" for anyone to like him, and did anything he could to feel connected to anyone he could.

I'm not sure if something could be repressed, and I struggled with this for a good portion of our relationship. But I am happy to report he is in therapy and making breakthroughs every day. For the first time in his life he loves someone, is loved, and, he has hope.

I know this is old but I just had to comment....

I am BPD, with HPD traits and also what I would call heteroflexible in that I fall in love and date men, but enjoy also having sex with women. When single I have on occasion sought out sexual encounters with women only, but generally my sexual encounter with women are during 3somes or orgies with male SO. I have a massive libido, generally more than the men I date and I enjoy swinging with my male partners and going to sex clubs to engage with other women and men. Sex is a HUGE deal for me and a deal breaker if not getting it regularly. I have read some posts on here about pwHPD who give alot of sex at the beginning and then stop as it is all about attention and not sex..... well not me. I love sex as much as I love attention. In fact I have made a point of learning everything there is to know about it and have made a point of pushing my boundaries because I wanted to experience all aspects of it. Consequently I have had 3somes, 4somes and orgies. Sex with men, women and transexuals. I have bought sex and been a sex worker ( both escort and exotic dancer, not to mention burlesque performer), I have even done some porn, and camming.

I love love love sex. I also love love love being in love. For me there is no greater drug than the drug of love, and consequently I only want to have long term relationships, and avoid single encounters. I prefer being in relationships with one dominant man who I generally have an obsessive love for and usually the dynamic is Dominant/submissive where I am the "s" of the pair. I don't fall in love with women, however I am very sexually attracted to them, but not as much as men, mainly as I crave the D/s dynamic with men and that makes the sex all the more exciting and intense. Also my main preference in a male partner is generally one who is a pwNPD or ASPD. (if not full on disorder than a high degree of traits.) It has crossed my mind on many occasions that I may very well be a sex addict.

One of the reasons I felt I had HPD traits was due to how promiscuous I am and how much I am into sex. ( that and my VERY dramatic personality and love for being the centre of attention.) But reading this forum, I am reading about pwHPD who in my opinion are not into sex very much at all... which I find very strange given the criteria for HPD. But perhaps my high libido and promiscuity is more the result of my BPD than my HPD traits, although I had thought it would be the other way around.

How many of the HPD's on here are hypersexual like me? How many find that they are the ones constantly all over their bfs and the main instigators for sexual interaction? ... that they are as interested in sex later in the relationship as they are from day one? Am I just an anomalous freak, or are their others?

It's amazing how many bisexuals there are among the histrionics!!!
It seems that attention is more important than sexual attraction

Biggirlscry wrote:I know this is old but I just had to comment....

... But reading this forum, I am reading about pwHPD who in my opinion are not into sex very much at all... which I find very strange given the criteria for HPD. But perhaps my high libido and promiscuity is more the result of my BPD than my HPD traits, although I had thought it would be the other way around.

I've read here for many years. Nothing wrong with having a high sex drive, but I don't think the core aspects of HPD are essentially rooted in a having a high sex drive either. As others have explained, it really is about a perception of self (often negative), and easing that core wound via validation from others. In that light, sexual appearance is a means to an end.

On the flip side, I think sex strikes some very deep seated primal chords in ?most? people, including the jealousy chord. How people hand that varies, as does how deep that note goes. It is true that not everyone feels deep seated jealousy, but it's also true that some who say they don't are clearly triggered by situations that stir jealousy, and to an extreme, because the longer they avoid facing this emotion, the more of a bogey man the emotion becomes. They may avoid it by preemptive actions, but once you see it, it's near impossible not to see it.

Behind jealousy is fear of betrayal, and yet even more self-esteem damage.

Fear of betrayal (or some say abandonment, but personally I think of it as fear of betrayal), is a theme that runs deep for cluster B types. How someone deals with this fear intellectually can be at extreme odds with the underlying emotions (e.g., intellectually they may do the exact opposite of what is really driving them emotionally). For example, someone who spends much time bragging how amazing they are, may be doing so because deep down they feel the exact opposite. What we humans say/do are sometimes fronts for the rest of who we are.

HPD is also (I believe) about a deep disconnect between the real self (i.e., how they really feel and their innate personality), and how the person appears to others. This could happen because the person was discouraged for pursuing their true personality, and encouraged for putting on act, but whatever the reasons, that disconnect if not faced becomes harder to face the longer avoidance goes on.

My HPD-ex would tel me that she had lots of lesbian dreams, very vivid dreams. They tended to occur during mid-afternoon naps for some reason. Then she would go on and say she had no lesbian tendencies and no interest in women. But.....if you talked to her, women were hitting on her every day. She would ask me if she comes off as a lesbian, etc. Then her two best friends tried to kiss her, according to her and she would also admittedly take baths with one of these friends at 25 years old! She admitted to getting addicted to porn when she was married because her husband was always gone. I asked her what she watched and she mainly watched girl on girl or two girls with one guy. She always made it absolutely clear she would never share me with another female and would almost go into a rage if I even approached the topic.

I dated and fell in love with a very dangerous HPD and she really scrambled my mind and I have lost who I am. I am two months in recovery and really struggling to find the old me. I became so addicted to her it's not even funny.

crbynum23 wrote:I am two months in recovery and really struggling to find the old me.

Just a thought to ponder...

You might not have meant it exactly as written either, but trying to go backwards, to recover the old you probably is not going to work, or you risk repeating the same again.

What you probably meant was to feel good about yourself again, and you can, but integrate what you have learned with your counselor. Figure out why you got involved, why you were so addicted, why you stayed despite the pain it was causing you. You may be surprised that you like the new you better than the old you in the long run.