COOL!

Hey,

we got a cool little warning now......


Just like the AsPDs........


See, we're scary too! Boo!




*i suggested we have one........i wonder if they listened to ME cause i am SPECIAL......or if it was just a good idea......or if a lot of people been suggesting it?

Maybe they'll all get one..........then we won't be so special.


But right now.......we're special.

you're too cute Twisted

Alice is right TM, you are cute. But your not the one who came up with the idea...sorry.
ne

I agree with the posting. I have recieved nothing but politeness from nons here and from HPDs too, and I also try to be polite when I post. Mutual respect costs nothing. Both sides have had their share of suffering, and to see it from both sides can be an education for us all. It is hard to live with a personality disorder, and equally difficult for the partners, relatives and friends of those with the disorder. At times, both sides may be angry for various reasons, and it can be healthy to express anger, but only if it is done in such a way as to not cause offence to people. When a person, whether they be non or HPD, is angry, they cannot be empathic, and if they are expressing anger about a situation that has happened to them, it is very important that the person should try not to vent their anger towards people on the board who have nothing to do with their personal situations. HPDs can be extremely sensitive at times, and so can nons who have been hurt, and their feelings matter. We are all equally important here, no one is any better or worse than anyone else, and we should all remember that. Sometimes the board feels like a community and in every community there will be disagreements sometimes. If people could respect each other's viewpoints whilst maintaining their own, they could learn a lot from each other.

I have tried to communicate what it is like to be HPD, how it feels to be in recovery, and how it feels to be married to someone who has recently himself been diagnosed, and so have probably gained some perspective from all sides. There are times when I may not be right, or when I inadvertently p@ss someone off, and if I feel that I have been wrong, I will admit to this. I will also stand my ground in a respectful way if I feel I am right. What I will try not to do is hurt or offend anyone on this board, for you all have an equally valid reason for being here, and the board is helping you in some way or you would not be posting.

masquerade wrote:What I will try not to do is hurt or offend anyone on this board, for you all have an equally valid reason for being here, and the board is helping you in some way or you would not be posting.

Have you always been like ^that^ or is this something that's come with your recovery Veronica?

If it did come with recovery- how did that happen, if you don't mind me asking?
Thanks
~Alice

Hi Alice. In some ways I was always like that, but to an unhealthy degree. I have the appeasing type of histrionic disorder, which meant that I learnt how to get approval by being nice and agreeable. However, this was done in the past, not because I was particularly nice or altruistic, but to get approval. I suppose in the past I was actually not very genuine, for I would smile at people I couldn't stand, or act in devious ways to undermine people,sabatage things or subtly spread gossip, whilst smiling on the surface. I had an unhealthy desire to be liked at all times, by everyone, even people I didn't like. With therapy I learnt how to be more assertive and stand up for my rights and to say if I disagreed with people or did not want to agree to something I didn't want to do. I suppose I learnt to channel the" nice" part of me into something more congruent and genuine. Because I was always something of a peacemaker it was quite easy to learn how to channel seeing everyone's point of view into something more like empathy. I really don't like confrontation or arguing, either in real life or on the board, but in the past I would bottle up my anger until it erupted into fierce aggression, which often took people by complete surprise. This hasn't happened at all since therapy.

masquerade wrote:I have the appeasing type of histrionic disorder, which meant that I learnt how to get approval by being nice and agreeable.

See that's interesting... Because you used being nice and agreeable to get the attention and validation you craved, the same way I used sexuality and lust.

We are the same; but different.
The same function is being severed (attention & validation) but by differnt methods of manipulating that reaction out of others

I like that. It makes sense to me.

masquerade wrote:Because I was always something of a peacemaker it was quite easy to learn how to channel seeing everyone's point of view into something more like empathy.

How's that going for you?
Have you been able to create true empathy in yourself towards others, or are you still trying to establish some kind of understanding in its place?

My own empathy is still not very good...
I have compassion for people and I do feel pitty at times; but apparently that's not the same thing, so I wonder how your empathy stuff is forming for you.

masquerade wrote:I really don't like confrontation or arguing, either in real life or on the board, but in the past I would bottle up my anger until it erupted into fierce aggression, which often took people by complete surprise. This hasn't happened at all since therapy.

You're kinda lucky in a way. Not because you're so nice and used that in a maladaptive way before; but that you don't have to learn to behave and control your anger/outbursts all the time.
This for me is very hard, and it getting better (not so in your face all the time) but it's very hard not to burst at the seams when you really want to let into someone and tear them to emotional shreds out of your own anger and disgust.

I admire that about you Veronica, and I always have

So what do you do with your anger now?
If you don't mind me asking...
Like if you used to bottle it up and you're not doing that anymore- where does it go?
How do you let that out without hurting people and having fits of rage/confrentation/what have you?

This is kinda where I'm at right now- trying to find an outlet/release for my anger and aggressions that doesn't hurt anyone and doesn't depend on sex or some other kind of suplimentation.

You're so much further ahead than I am in your recovery and I'm very happy for you
Best
~Alice

I think they should make shirts with those warnings.
I would buy one. Could be useful when dealing with NONs IRL.
I would like to be able to pick my color though, cause rosy does not fit with my tan.

Hi Alice. Like you, I also used to use sexuality as well as being "nice" as a means of approval and attention, but I have not done this for a while.

You asked about anger. Where does the anger go? I suppose that because I developed the appeasing type of the disorder I learnt to suppress a lot of anger. Displays of anger were frowned upon at home, it was not seen as "nice" or ladylike and if I ever did show emotion of any kind, I would be labelled hysterical, or mentally ill and so my emotions were not validated. This remains true today with my husband. If I show any type of emotion, my husband will immediately tell me my disorder is playing up, or that I need to take medication. I have learnt for so long to be non confrontational, to bottle it all in, and believe me, it might seem a good way to be for a person who has a problem with anger, but my ways are equally maladaptive. Sometimes my inner pain, anger and turmoil would just erupt to the surface and come out in huge dramatic bursts, seeming to be out of context with the actual circumstances. Of course, these dramatic bursts were really a symptom of the pain of the abuses I had gone through that had remained unexpressed. I am rather like a pressure cooker, who occassionally takes the lid of. I am scared to express all of these emotions because they run deep. That is why they come out infrequently in short bursts that seem to be inappropriate. The rapidly shifting, so called shallow emotions of the histrionic can seem to be that way to the casual observer, the friend or the partner, but they are really an indication of the deep pain that lies beneath the surface, that has been supressed for so long, that is not even really recognised by the histrionic herself. This is why we may seem to be cold, shallow and with fake, dramatic, attention seeking emotions. Yes, we do seek attention and validation, from the wrong people. We are so desparate for someone to acknowledge us, to validate us, to care, that we will eagerly absorb any attention or affection, when in reality we are reliving the old drama of our childhoods, and seeking the love, attention and approval that our parents did not give us.

I am so glad that therapy has made me aware of my processes, issues and reasons for acting in certain ways. Therapy will not cure the injury. It will not wipe out the past and repair it. It will not change my fundamental core. What it has done is to make me aware of how my reactions to events originated. Therapy has enabled me to begin to love and nurture myself, to grieve and mourn for the parental love I did not have, to accept things as they are, and to teach the injured and wounded self to function, without a victim mentality. It has enabled me to begin to think and function more as an adult and not as an adapted, injured child, to take responsibility and to begin to be autonomous.

-- Wed Sep 21, 2011 12:44 pm --

Sorry, Alice, I forgot to answer you question about empathy. I suppose empathy has begun to develop as a result of me learning to take responsiblity, and live as an adult, and to realise that the world does not owe me a living, that I do not have special entitlements, that I am not the only person in the world who has had a bad upbringing, that other people have issues too, and that they might not see the world in the same way as me. We are all individuals, but we are all human, and we all have our own points and opinions and circumstances. I am beginning to see things from the perspective of other people, whilst also retaining my own perspectives, and put myself in their shoes. To do that successfully, I must be totally non judgemental of a person. It isn't easy, but I am getting there. Baby steps, you know

I am beginning to see things from the perspective of other people, whilst also retaining my own perspectives, and put myself in their shoes. To do that successfully, I must be totally non judgemental of a person. It isn't easy, but I am getting there. Baby steps, you know

What do you do with your anger then?


Like say.......i through what you deemed to be, my own ignorance.....did something to attack your sense of identity and then blamed you for the attack?

So, you'd try and see it from my point of view and try and remind yourself of all the above..........what do you do with the rage?
(i'm interested in this from a BPD/HPD perspective.....Alice might be too!)


Like after i just royally p))ssed you off........and "got away" with it...........what do you do, with all your anger.....after you have rationalised the narrative to your advantage?

I have to assume.......the anger stays long after, you've given yourself permission to let it go.

Do little thoughts re-occur in your mind? "how could he say that".........
Does that not continue to fuel the emotion? And sort of......take over the narration?



Btw....Veronica? That's a cool name. As is Masquerade of course....but you probably don't need anyone to tell you that.