Nons and HPDs Input wanted

Hello there,



Recently i've been getting closer emotionally with someone and i've been feeling guilty about it. This was never really an issue before, because i've only recently (the last 6 or so months) discovered i had HPD.
In the near past.......i would attribute a lot of my issues in relationships, to BPD.......which i do have aswell and am infact more affected by........but i never really questioned, my sincerity. There was always some form of doubt........but i pushed it aside or didn't really even look at it at all.....i'm not sure how i did it really, i just blocked it out. Kind of like when i had acne as a teen.....my mind just wouldn't let me see it.


The matter at hand is...........


This person i am getting closer with..........knows about my HPD. And i've explained to them, atleast 5 different times that i was GOING to hurt them. Not maybe or might.........but that i am incapable of caring about them and will turn on them if it ever suits me..........that no matter how close we get, how deep our connection grows........that that won't mean anything, if i suddenly feel bored or disappointed.
I really feel like i've explained it enough times........in various ways and using various methods and examples.....that the peson does understand.

But i worry........that they can't understand........the same way, i can't really understand empathy or guilt or shades of grey.

Talking about it........is getting old and i've recently given them one last full disclosure about who/what i am and what my intentions are..............my intentions being, to not do anything but be myself........which is to say, i will try and worm into their mind as best I can, for aslong as it is fun and then i will lose interest in them.
That i'll feed off of them like a vampire..........and all the while, i'll do it disguised as some knight in shining armour or compassionate caring true friend..............

I've explained......that i'll be doing anything and perhaps even everything, to make them want to get closer to me and that the closer they get..........the more i will end up hurting them, for sure. 100% for sure..........(unless they hurt me first)...........



So yeah.........that's kind of where things are left. I have no doubt, this person will be ok with it........I'm just not sure, what else i can do?


I'm already too invested to walk away.........something i did recently with another woman........cause i realised what i was doing, and stopped it right away.
But this......this is something different.........this person, knows who I am..........


Anyways.......


I've told this person to stay away from me 5 times. Now 6.........explained in great detail everything........and that from now on, i'm going to just be a "human" and go about my business and whatever happens happens.
I asked them to talk it over with their friends and therapist (they have no known disorder and are mentally healthy) and whoever else........and i didn't manipulate the conversation either.......i was pretty emotionless and didn't try and lead it one way or another.....refraining from talking "if" i change.....or "maybe" i won't......no, i was clear...I won't change, i will hurt you......i am planning on it........i won't be able to stop myself, i won't try and stop myself.........

Well you get it.


So, i'm assuming..........this last and final, warning will be listened to and appreciated and considered and ignored..........


Have i done enough?

Like really?


Like these nons *you nons.......who come here, and read that your spouse has NPD or HPD or AsPD and still stick around.........i think you're all crazy. Is that crazy??? Like.........i think this person, is crazy for not running for the hills.......i mean, i get the appeal.........i have a thing for an HPD girl myself.......but that's different, i'm a psycho. I'm not really going to get hurt.........now that i know, i don't actually care.


Like why would you want to be close to, a compulsive liar that doesn't care about anyone but themselves? And when i say compulsive liar..........i just mean, a personality faker..........i mean, i do lie a lot........more than i realise..........but essentially, i just mean.........i fake sincerity and i fake responses all the time.........either dulled down, or dressed up.........


Right..right.........I digress............


So, you tell someone you are a monster. You write them several essays about how and why you are and that you cannot or will not change..........(best to just assume that people!!!!! it's hard enough to lose 15 lbs, try losing a personality and at the same time, inventing a new one)..........and they still want to be close to you. And you know, they want to get closer..........they want what you want, but they want it for the reasons you see on t.v. and in movies and read in books.............and i just want control. I just want my drug.


I mean, it's almost the same.............but all of you nons, you brainwashed me to thinking it isn't!!!!! But i'm honest........honest.

I said, i was a monster. Here to use and abuse..........(well emotionally abuse)..........




So what? What do you all think?


Can i go about my business guilt free now? Can i lose myself in fantasy? Can i stop questioning my intentions, i don't need to..........they're bad.

I think it's great that you're being honest with her.

If mine had warned me........we could have parted as friends.

Hmmm...

Amazingly Twisted... We are going thru almost identically circumstances at the same time.

Except, I had a married woman leave her husband for me. Yerp... she knows all about my HPD. She knows I am quite capable of cheating (as I started seeing her while dating my exGF), and she strongly suspects I have seen other women while I have been seeing her.

I have tried pushing her away, time and time again. I have tried breaking up... Saying I can't see her.

I have tried treating her like crap... Going cold... Being distant... Even being dull and boring with zero input in sex... nothing has pushed her away.

Problem is... She is an awesome chick who could have just about anyone, if she wanted to... but she doesn't.

Similarly (it is almost an identical story) she won't take know for an answer and thinks "we are going to live happily ever after".

I shall jump on your bandwagon and curiously watch the responses...

Here's a tip for you...

Learn from your mistakes, grow and develop, stop being a monster. Far from being cool, your behaviour and attitude stinks. You'll end up sad and lonely.

Women are even worse than men when it comes to wanting what they cant have. The more unavailable you seem to her the more she will want you.

If you want to get rid of her, and since you wont go no-contact, start crying and acting like a lovestruck wimp around her, let those rapidly shifting emotions surface and you will see her head for the hills in a few days haha. The same applies to nons trying to get rid of HPDs, the only 100% effective method.

FYI, Twisted, if anyone can make a bone-chilling straight to the point case for no-contacting a HPD it is you, show her one of your great posts here and she should get the message unless she too is PD. Saying generic things like "I'll hurt you" won't cut it. I know that when I act like Cacster acted towards that woman a lot of women(non and HPD) initially have a huge boost in attraction towards me, but if they are healthy then they don't obsess over it for too long and just move on(women have options). A possibility that you and Cacster should consider. There is a big difference between knowing that someone has a disorder and really deeply understanding it.

To Cacster, the last time I slept with my HPD I pretty much did what I wanted and gave her little input. I was indifferent, maybe slightly hostile(indifference for someone like me is a form of hostility) to her at the time I wonder if she knew the jig was up by then. Then again, the time before that was pretty much ALL about her so I'm probably just over-analyzing it.

Twistedmister;
Strange, the more you push them away the worse they get. My ex partner a psychopath said exactly the same thing.
He was married but had load of affairs, he always wore a wedding ring and had no intention of leaving the wife. When someone became too serious he would treat them badly, let them down, fail to turn up when he'd promised too. Generally be a pain. He said 'I don't get it, they get worse' He failed to turn up for one women so she hunted him down and found him on his boat, he was horrified. He told her to f##k off, he was furious. He never understood it.
The more you try to warn someone how 'dangerous' and unobtainable you are the more interesting you become. A moth to a candle. Forbidden fruit.
The problem is most people are normal, they cannot believe you have no empathy, that you cannot love. So they think, if he goes with ME I can change him, he will like me sooo much he will be mine and adore me. But of course you won't, and they will get hurt.
Why don't they listen! and save themselves alot of pain.

Twisted wrote: Like why would you want to be close to, a compulsive liar that doesn't care about anyone but themselves?

Yes, that's what I think too, Twisted. Your orginal post is one big lie and there is no woman. What woman in her right mind would want to be with some guy the tells her he is a nut, over and over again, like you said you did? Your whole origianl post is a lie.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Don't get sucked into the attention he seeks people....

Twisted's post was just another HPD stunt, for attention. Read his few posts before this thread.

Stop being so niave, gullable and learn.

OK

Yes, that's what I think too, Twisted. Your orginal post is one big lie and there is no woman. What woman in her right mind would want to be with some guy the tells her he is a nut, over and over again, like you said you did? Your whole origianl post is a lie.

OK...

Are you on drugs???

Dude... I could have gone into ten-times more detail explaining my story which aligns itself virtually identically to Twisted's (I didn't, because, it's his thread - his story)... Yet, same outcome.

I know the chick I am seeing "Knows" I have cheated on her... She knows I have HPD... she knows every worse facet. Yet, she left her husband, moved into a new house... Refers to me as "her boyfriend" with all of her female friends - shows me off as the prize to her friends - Has fallen madly in love with me and wants to live happily ever after.

Weird... Yes. Lies... No.

Twisted, I kinda went through the same thing when I found out. Keep your relationship try to discover what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Most of my behavior is automatic and based on unfounded fears left over from the way my parents were. I think if you keep your relationships it will help you better discover who you are and who you should strive to be. What better way to learn to love and know yourself than through someone elses tender heart and eyes?

I should wait and let a few more replies build up............but you're talking about me! I can't resist responding.



@Wiser:

If mine had warned me........we could have parted as friends

I don't believe that for a second. I could be wrong (have you mixed up with someone else) but that seems like it isn`t quite true.......

But thank you and i really hope you find a way, to put your past in the past....



at Cacster:

You are not in the same situation as me. If you believe that, then you are lying to yourself.
You are doing far more harm to this woman........you are almost certainly less honest and what is trying to push someone away?
You`re presumably a grown man..........if you wanted not to see someone, you could not see them.


Anyways.......i`m sure your situation isn`t easy........i`m not saying it is. I`m just saying, be honest about it.



at: Louis the XIV


Thank you for the tip. I am fairly certain i will end up lonely...............probably not sad though. Atleast not your picture of what sadness is.........(wait are you NPD?)

Anyways.......i think my disorder is kind of cool. LOL Might aswell have some positive attitude about it, no?


Err....and i am growing up. I`m being honest with someone, even though it may cause them to reject me.

And umm.......do you remember when i made fun of you? Is that why your post is so negative? Just wondering if this is some grudge thing..........*i would certainly understand that




at the dear old Captain:


Good to see you are still keeping the ship afloat.



I don`t want to get rid of her. Not at all. Well............not really. I want to have my cake and eat it too.........that`s what this is about.

So yeah......part of me thinks it would be best for her, if she didn`t have anything to do with me........the part of me that wants her around, *and somewhat believes i can be good for her too........wins out though.
Besides, she is a grown woman..........she can make her own choices and she could very well end up hurting me..........

Do i really have the right........to tell her, i know better than her..........and stop being her friend? When she really doesn`t want that.........(i assume, no response yet)




Yes.....i can make a straight to the case point.........i pretty much have. Believe me, i`ve explained it aswell as i think i have on all my previous posts........



at GreatExpect...........


I fear you may be correct.

I don`t plan on killing her or anything LOL...........so if the worse that happens she gets a broken heart? Or i let her down as a friend...........is that really enough to warrant my losing someone, something i like?


I think the worst part of the trauma.......with us...........is the lies and constant mental turmoil we create. It won`t be shocking if i turn out to be a jerk.........it won`t be a surprise if she sees someone else`s number on my phone..........it`s like i am coming with an instruction manual of sorts......or atleast, a debriefing. Advanced recon...........a scouting report! lol

If she wants to draft me in the first round..........that`s her business. Even though i may be a 5th round selection at best.



At Ok:

Yes, that's what I think too, Twisted. Your orginal post is one big lie and there is no woman. What woman in her right mind would want to be with some guy the tells her he is a nut, over and over again, like you said you did? Your whole origianl post is a lie

That is a reasonable assumption.........for a paranoid. Which is fine to be...........but it`s kind of scary, that you would actually post that assumption......because it speaks to a degree of paranoia that is too high.

Are you questioning me..........just because i have HPD? (which is fine..given your history).........or do you question MOST people`s motives now with such speculation? Even nons....

I just wonder......how damaged your sense of trust is. There are plenty of threads, about how we turn people into us.....(us cluster Bs)



BTW........LOL..........this isn`t a stunt? I mean........i would make it far more interesting if it was a stunt wouldn`t I? She`d be in a band or a scientist or something..........I would be far more interesting...if it were a stunt. I`d be an amateur struggling MMA fighter.......or a minor league hockey player....(something believable)......and i`d be jealous, over her lesbian love interest......or better yet, she`d be turning hetero just for me........


Anyways.........i hope you`re in therapy.




At norma..........


Yes that is good advice. She does make me feel like there is some hope...in trusting others. I could just be idealising her.......that aspect of her, but umm.........you are right. I have to trust someone, if i am ever going to trust someone.

That`s sort of my thinking..........maybe i can change. I don`t tell her that..........i don`t really tell myself that all that often..........but i used to think my OCD was forever. It was not.
I may be smarter * i will be..........in 10 years. 10 months............maybe 10 weeks..........no reason to give up..........


So yes.........i have not looked past the angle you are presenting...........as it is the most appealing to me, but the most fairy-tale-ish.........but i like it.


: )




Thanks for the responses........even the mean one and the lunacy one.........


I was kind of shocked and disappointed she didn`t reply today.............

I am happy about it though. I guess it means she`s thinking...........i may cry if she says she doesn`t want to talk to me anymore........but i will probably be happy too. Like i know that would be best for her......of course i could be wrong.


If she does reply as expected...........i`m not sure what will happen. I really hope i can shake the guilt.........dealing with the fear and boredom, will be more than enough.