paranoia? or legitimate concern?

I have a bit of a dilemma lately, see, I feel like I'm paranoid of my HPD ex friend coming back to 'ruin' my current relationship with my boyfriend (because he 'used' to be a friend of hers before he and I got together). I'm not sure if that sneaking suspicion is due to my own paranoia, or due to a real concern.

some details-
-background info - he was an old high school friend of hers, knew her on/off for years, never felt the urge to date her but seemed awfully 'close' to her to me (hanging out with her all the time.) he wrote her off when he found out she had been lying about him to others, saying he beat her and tried to rape her. she said this when he turned down her advances.

- Back when he and I first started hanging out, in October or so, I asked him straight out if he still talked to her, because I didn't want to even know him if he did. He said yes, he still talks to her sporadically, but all through text only and not very often. he said it wouldn't bother him at all to cut that contact off completely.
- flash forward to December, he and I are getting more seriously involved, we spend Christmas together, agree on becoming exclusive, I get to know his friends and family and he gets to know mine. he still keeps HPD as a facebook friend, but I don't notice any contact between them and he doesn't use facebook much anyway so it's not really a concern of mine.
- now.. July.. our relationship is still really comfortable and happy, though I do have my nagging doubts whenever we get into disagreements at times. our most recent disagreement, he doesn't like my family (long story, but he has good reason not to) and didn't want me to go to a family function. I told him whatever I'm still going, I don't care what you think, they may suck but they're still my family and this event is important to them. then he told me he 'didn't even know me' and 'I should see a therapist if I would even consider hanging out with those people.' lol. anyway, his line about 'not even knowing me' led me to suspect he's still talking to the HPD and she's telling him lies about me, and he's believing them, but maybe I'm just paranoid. maybe he's just really disappointed that I wouldn't cut ties with my family, but that's the thing. they're my family, I don't feel like I can. I'm not at that point yet, though I may be soon. I just wish he'd be more supportive of what I'm doing now.

thoughts? I know it probably doesn't have much to do with the HPD, but it could.

I have the same paranoia, except with my friends/brothers. I have zero evidence that they talk to her but I'm pretty sure that they don't really have my back when it comes to women. They think she is scum though.

We know that there is nothing that HPD's won't do. Our fear is somewhat rational. Most of the people that my HPD was "talking to" she was sleeping with or at minimum leading on. They have nothing to talk about except themselves and sex.

All that I can do to protect myself is tell those that I think she might contact about her HPD. Surely you have brought up some of the craziness to him in the past, right? You don't have to make it seem like you're jealous or paranoid, just bring it up casually. Bring up your deep understanding of the disorder so that he can make parralels with his own experiences with her.

Treetop wrote: he doesn't like my family (long story, but he has good reason not to) and didn't want me to go to a family function

Hi Treetop...

I think you need to share the short version of the story above in order to get a full opinion. Someone not wanting to be around or have you around, family is not good. It better be a pretty darn good reason.

I don't think it has anything to do with your ex HPD friend.

ok - to be perfectly blunt - my dad is a child molestor, and I have a young daughter. I have kept her from being alone with him, but the bf has a lot of concerns about her being even within a mile of her grandpa. he's so incredibly angry about it that he has never seen my dad in person, and said he would probably shoot him in the face if he ever did. the family function they want me to go to is my sister's wedding, I'm a bridesmaid in it and I'd feel terrible for not showing up. the bf is also angry at my sister in that she threw me under the bus a few months ago, we filed joint charges against my dad but my sister dropped out (due to parental pressure) and kinda left me high and dry with it.

cpt - I do think the bf has slept with the HPD at some point (or, gotten 'pretty far' at least), he's just not admitting to it now because he feels dumb for hanging around her so long. I think he also feels dumb for not realizing she was lying about him for awhile. I think he did have a crush on her at one point, then he just got tired of all the push-pull games and said screw it. that's the point where she got vindictive towards him, started lying about him, and through one of her 'push' cycles he discovered the lies. I know he didn't like her at all 'way back when' but in recent history, he had started to get more attached to her.

I have discussed every f-ed up thing she did to me, and I know all the f-ed up things she did to him, though we haven't talked about personality disorders or anything. the bf knows I'm interested in that sort of thing and he doesn't have much of an interest in it, to him, people are either screwed up or they aren't. lol. he insists I have nothing to worry about, when he's done with a person he's done, but I know HPD's will go to great lengths to win back a former contact. especially when that former contact is now in an intimate relationship with an ex-friend of hers.. sheesh. we're pretty high on her 'hit list' I would think. not only does she want revenge against me for exposing her lies to some people, firmly putting up boundaries in my life, and 'stealing' a few close contacts of hers; she wants him back as a supply source because he was one of the 'steadies' she could count on between her other exploits. (plus reconquring him now would give her a huge ego boost.) so yeah, my guess would be she would 'try' just about anything at this point.

Treetop wrote: ok - to be perfectly blunt - my dad is a child molestor, and I have a young daughter. I have kept her from being alone with him, but the bf has a lot of concerns about her being even within a mile of her grandpa. he's so incredibly angry about it that he has never seen my dad in person, and said he would probably shoot him in the face if he ever did. the family function they want me to go to is my sister's wedding, I'm a bridesmaid in it and I'd feel terrible for not showing up. the bf is also angry at my sister in that she threw me under the bus a few months ago, we filed joint charges against my dad but my sister dropped out (due to parental pressure) and kinda left me high and dry with it.

You know what, they are pretty darn good reasons he doesn't want you to go. Is the sister that tried to throw you under the bus, the same one that is getting married? If so, how is your relationship with her now and why did she try to throw you under a bus?

Will your father be attending this wedding?

TreeTop, my opinion, I agree with his concerns 100% and he is only trying to protect you and your daughter.

This has nothing to do with your ex HPD friend.

I also, suggest that you not blame his reasoning on your ex friend, when discussing anything about this wedding with him. It will only piss him off, because you are saying he can't think for himself, and also his concerns and feeling are legit. I don't suggest you deminish them, by blaming him feeling this way, by being influenced by someone else, especially your ex friend. These are his concerns and no one elses and rightfully so. He cares for you and your daughter. He is supporting you.

treetop wrote:ok - to be perfectly blunt - my dad is a child molestor, and I have a young daughter. I have kept her from being alone with him, but the bf has a lot of concerns about her being even within a mile of her grandpa. he's so incredibly angry about it that he has never seen my dad in person, and said he would probably shoot him in the face if he ever did.

WHOA. That is more than a pretty good reason. (If you want to post about how to manage this particular situation separate and apart from your meddling ex-friend, the Abuse boards are pretty active, and you might find some posters with similar experiences there.)

treetop wrote:the family function they want me to go to is my sister's wedding, I'm a bridesmaid in it and I'd feel terrible for not showing up. the bf is also angry at my sister in that she threw me under the bus a few months ago, we filed joint charges against my dad but my sister dropped out (due to parental pressure) and kinda left me high and dry with it.

Can you separate out how you feel from how your bf feels, and how your family feels about the situation? Why would you feel terrible if you didn't show up? How do you feel about being left to potentially testify against your father alone?

treetop wrote:he insists I have nothing to worry about, when he's done with a person he's done, but I know HPD's will go to great lengths to win back a former contact.

I understand why you might be anxious about your ex-friend, but I think that in this situation, the generalized anxiety that you can't control might just be standing in for a lot of specific anxieties that are immediate and potentially within your grasp, but much more terrifying to face head on. If that makes any sense.

treetop wrote:cpt - I do think the bf has slept with the HPD at some point (or, gotten 'pretty far' at least), he's just not admitting to it now because he feels dumb for hanging around her so long. I think he also feels dumb for not realizing she was lying about him for awhile. I think he did have a crush on her at one point, then he just got tired of all the push-pull games and said screw it. that's the point where she got vindictive towards him, started lying about him, and through one of her 'push' cycles he discovered the lies. I know he didn't like her at all 'way back when' but in recent history, he had started to get more attached to her. I have discussed every f-ed up thing she did to me, and I know all the f-ed up things she did to him, though we haven't talked about personality disorders or anything. the bf knows I'm interested in that sort of thing and he doesn't have much of an interest in it, to him, people are either screwed up or they aren't. lol. he insists I have nothing to worry about, when he's done with a person he's done, but I know HPD's will go to great lengths to win back a former contact. especially when that former contact is now in an intimate relationship with an ex-friend of hers.. sheesh. we're pretty high on her 'hit list' I would think. not only does she want revenge against me for exposing her lies to some people, firmly putting up boundaries in my life, and 'stealing' a few close contacts of hers; she wants him back as a supply source because he was one of the 'steadies' she could count on between her other exploits. (plus reconquring him now would give her a huge ego boost.) so yeah, my guess would be she would 'try' just about anything at this point.

Wow, I didn't know that he was one of the steadies. Been there, done that. You have every reason to think he might be "compromised". What do you mean by "started getting more attached?" Any reason why he would still be in contact? Hopefully its just innocuous. Its possible that reading this forum, most of which has been about "steadies" getting hoovered in time and time again, has made you a bit suspicious when you don't need to be.

ok and onthebrink - it does make more sense to me now why the bf got pissed at me, I suppose he was just trying to look out for my best interest and was annoyed that I couldn't see things his way. in his mind, I'm a strong individual that cuts destructive people out of my life, that's probably why he couldn't reconcile this recent vulnerability with who I've shown myself to be to him so far and said he 'doesn't know who I am' anymore. I think he feels like I'm looking at the situation with my family in a completely illogical way. really, I understand in my 'head' that it sucks and I should just run away from it, but in my 'heart' I still feel love for my family members and I don't want to let them down or hurt them. and fear of my family members, and anger towards them.. ect, ect. it's a mixed emotional cocktail that doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you look at it from a stricly logical point of view.

my dad would be attending the wedding, and paying for it actually. that's why I think my sister backed out on the charges, she wanted him to pay for her wedding. I think she just got so hung up on the idea of 'her perfect wedding day', and her 'perfect new husband' that she hasn't really thought about how being forced into a situation with him would feel for me, or my daughter. she isn't ordinarily so selfish, she's usually a very kind hearted and sweet individual, but I know she always dreamed of a 'perfect wedding' as a young kid and it's hard for her to let that idea go - no matter how high the price. my feelings about her - I still love her, she's stood by me a lot throughout my life and I don't want to crush her dreams by not showing up to her wedding. at the same time, I'm angry, too, that she just backed out and left me behind to deal with a legal and emotional shitstorm on my own, and seemingly isn't caring much about how it's f-ing with my life. as long as she has 'her hubby' it seems she doesn't care about much else (a problem in itself, she's way too dependent and clingy with him, but that's a story for another day). but more than just anger, I feel deeply hurt because it feels like I've lost her as a friend, and as a family member. I felt like she was one person I could trust, through everything, and now she's off in her own la-la land of 'everything will be perfect, I'll be married now.' riiiight.

brink, I think you're right that my focusing on the HPD trying to split up my relationship was an anxiety that I felt I could 'handle', something I was focusing on instead of on the bigger picture and the actual problem. it still is a real worry I have, but maybe I need to adjust my priorities a bit.

cpt- the bf wasn't one of the HPD's steady boyfriends or anything, just what I'd call a steady supplier. he'd always be around to hang out with her or answer her calls, even after not hearing from him for quite some time.

Treetop wrote: my dad would be attending the wedding, and paying for it actually. that's why I think my sister backed out on the charges, she wanted him to pay for her wedding

Treetop, to me this is just a bribe. Sorry, but he bought his wa out of answering to your sister. I would not go to a wedding he used, by paying for it, as a bribe. It is disgusting. Don't enble the behavior. He sounds like a great munipulator.

He should pay with no strings attached and not attend, if he wants to do the right thing.

Why did your sister try to throw you under a bus?

As far as the wedding, I would not go, and have a heart to heart with your sister. I would tell her that since your father is going and a law suit is pending, that it would make "no sense" for you to attend an event with a dangerous abusive sexual predator there, that you are taking to court. if she doesn't undetand that, than she is just being selfish. I am sorry Treetop, but stand up for yourself!! Your boyfriend is 100% right!!

Treetop wrote: brink, I think you're right that my focusing on the HPD trying to split up my relationship was an anxiety that I felt I could 'handle', something I was focusing on instead of on the bigger picture and the actual problem. it still is a real worry I have, but maybe I need to adjust my priorities a bit

As far as your Ex friend breaking you and your boyfriend up, I can't see it. I strongly suggest you focus on your boyfriend, the support he is giving you. The support he will give you through your court case and the support in dealing with not going to the family function. Sounds like a real good guy, with his head together and loyal to you. So be loyal to him and trust him.

Just my thoughts Treetop..and sorry to be forceful about this, but I don't think you see what we see.But deep down there somewher, I think you do. Maybe you just aren't completely ready to face it. I think your right. I think you, Onthebrink and your boyfriend are right, you need to focus on this deeper issue!

Yes, what your dealing with sucks! So please, take the great support and guidance being offered by that good guy of yours.

My best and my heart goes out to you, Treetop......Ok

treetop wrote:it's a mixed emotional cocktail that doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you look at it from a stricly logical point of view.

It does make sense. Love for family, even abusive family, isn't something that can be turned off like a lightswitch. My guess is that your bf is expressing a certain amount of frustration that he can't make it all go away for you, and that 'he doesn't even know you anymore' because he sees someone he cares about behaving in a way that might look like she doesn't care about herself. (I don't think that you don't care about yourself, I think you're being pulled in a lot of different directions.)

treetop wrote:I still love her, she's stood by me a lot throughout my life and I don't want to crush her dreams by not showing up to her wedding. at the same time, I'm angry, too, that she just backed out and left me behind to deal with a legal and emotional shitstorm on my own, and seemingly isn't caring much about how it's f-ing with my life

Have you talked to her about all of this? IMO, neither of you owe your father sh-t, but I am really happy to see that you and your sister are still communicating, at least on some level. That the relationship with your sister is so important to you (and that you led with the positive aspects in your description) is a good sign that she has a lot of love for you too, and maybe she has managed to blind herself to how much she has dumped on you in order to protect herself?

treetop wrote: she just got so hung up on the idea of 'her perfect wedding day', and her 'perfect new husband'

OR got so hung up on the idea that she is starting a perfect new life: one in which a past that caused, and still causes, pain, humiliation, shame, and fear can no longer exist. That is a pretty powerful dream for an abused child to give up, many will fight to to the death keep that dream of a past-free life alive. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't excuse her being selfish, she is an adult now, with adult responsibilities, but perhaps you dreamed a similar dream at some point?

treetop wrote: or my daughter.

Please don't bring your daughter to the wedding. And you have no reason to hide why you've engaged childcare for the weekend rather than expose her to any risk, no matter how small it may seem. Even if nothing happens (G-d forbid a thousand times over), children can pick up on their parents' moods with extraordinary facility, and the emotional turmoil that you may feel by being around your father may not be the best thing for your daughter to witness.

I am sending you a hug treetop.