this place makes me feel like crap

Musician924 wrote:this is a place for digging into the pain, working it through, and understanding it to then best master it. You have to go through more "necessary pain" before you can do that... !

Agreed, but people acting out, enabling and attacking each other is really not the route to the core of that pain - for HPDs OR Nons. Its something that happens because of peoples' own problems.

999, that's one thing that's difficult, I know a lot of nons come into these places to complain about the worst of the behaviour people with these PDs can do. I reckon most partners of people with PDs who don't do that don't end up here cause it never occurrs to them to look at PDs - i think they're more likely to go looking at an ordinary relationship forum or something, or only get as far as figuring out their partner has "emotional difficulties" - except for those cases where it happens by chance that a person knows about PDs or goes that far with trying to figure things out.

Also maybe some people just have stuff worse than others, or different combinations of problems & stuff like that.

People with cluster B disorders are not hopeless, but a lot of the nons who are too derogatory towards pw PDs would do better to look at themselves and see what their own problems are, if they have any disorders of their own or are codependant and exacerbating their partners problems. cause on a lot of boards i see "nons" being just as bad as the disordered people they're complaining about.

You're not hopeless or a bad person. (((hugs))).

Obviously there are varying degrees of HPD. I've been wondering why some of the milder HPD's come here and say that they are "not like the one's you nons complain about" yet still take personal offense at what we say. If I went on a forum for AVPD(I'm an introvert so I always wonder if I have some of that), I always feel like "at least I'm not as bad as THOSE introverts". Is it possible that some HPD's have repressed their own guilt, so when they see descriptions of behavior that mirrors their own they deny and lash out? If the posts dont apply to you because you're better than that, feel BLESSED that they dont and pity the severe HPD's that they DO apply to! Its like if you have treatable cancer and your roommate has terminal cancer, and the doctor walks in and breaks the bad news to your roommate and you stand up and say "thats not fair, I'm not dying of cancer, why are you trying to hurt me?"

If the criticisms DO apply, then you should feel bad and its ok to feel bad. Its called guilt and its a powerful motivator for change. We don't go into our prisons and say "dont feel guilty for what you did". The name "penitentiary" comes from the idea that prisons are supposed to be places of recognition and repentence.

CptSaveAho wrote:Its like if you have treatable cancer and your roommate has terminal cancer, and the doctor walks in and breaks the bad news to your roommate and you stand up and say "thats not fair, I'm not dying of cancer, why are you trying to hurt me?"

I would still know that I have cancer and empathize with the other person and what they are going through even if the doctor wasn't telling me my cancer is terminal.

Just cause I happen to have good luck and someone else has crappy luck doesn't mean I don't care about them especially if I identify with them for some reason.

Somtimes you can feel bad for other people who are being hurt without being hurt yourself. If I said something derogatory about men, wouldn't that make you want to stand up for yourself if you were innocent of what I said if it didn't apply to you?

nowheregirl wrote:Somtimes you can feel bad for other people who are being hurt without being hurt yourself. If I said something derogatory about men, wouldn't that make you want to stand up for yourself if you were innocent of what I said if it didn't apply to you?

I do realize that a lot of what we say broadly is "HPD's are like this, HPD's are like that" and that seems innacurate if you guys are HPD's that are not like that. But I wouldn't be HURT by it. I would assume that they were just wrong about me. And the cancer example is more analogous because both HPD and cancer are afflictions with differing degrees of severity.

But, I was referring specifically to this statement by the OP:

I need to stay positive. I dont feel very positive. I have not done most of the horrible things I read about, and just feel more confused as to a DX.

Here, the OP is referring to specific facts about our HPDs. She should feel good about not being like them, not hurt that she has the same disorder tha they do.

I constantly feel bad for people who are being hurt without myself being hurt. Are you guys feeling bad for our HPDs?

CptSaveAho wrote:Obviously there are varying degrees of HPD. I've been wondering why some of the milder HPD's come here and say that they are "not like the one's you nons complain about" yet still take personal offense at what we say. If I went on a forum for AVPD(I'm an introvert so I always wonder if I have some of that), I always feel like "at least I'm not as bad as THOSE introverts". Is it possible that some HPD's have repressed their own guilt, so when they see descriptions of behavior that mirrors their own they deny and lash out? If the posts dont apply to you because you're better than that, feel BLESSED that they dont and pity the severe HPD's that they DO apply to! Its like if you have treatable cancer and your roommate has terminal cancer, and the doctor walks in and breaks the bad news to your roommate and you stand up and say "thats not fair, I'm not dying of cancer, why are you trying to hurt me?"

If the criticisms DO apply, then you should feel bad and its ok to feel bad. Its called guilt and its a powerful motivator for change. We don't go into our prisons and say "dont feel guilty for what you did". The name "penitentiary" comes from the idea that prisons are supposed to be places of recognition and repentence.

I know its weird people feel that way, toxic Shame, judging yourself negatively, fear of rejection/abandonment, not wanting to face your own guilt etc. I'm familiar.

As for "not that bad" I get that from over in the BPD forum, I relate to a lot of the underlying emotions, but my actions have not been "as BPD" as a lot of people's. Maybe I don't have it as bad, different mix of problems that cancel each other out in some ways and not in others, all sorts.

And denial is a powerful thing. But you CAN feel like the doctor is attacking you cause he tells the person next to you their form of cancer is causing them to act a certain way, when you only have a mild form or something, you still associate it with that. you can be afraid your behaviour was that terrible even when its not, cause with a PD its often hard to see things straight. Sometimes that "attacked/rejected" feeling can be saying "How can you do that to me, I'm not that bad .... - AM I???!!!:shock: Am I something bad/horrible?" - Even if your actions are really not as bad as they could be with whatever disorder(s) you have.

So i know the feelings/behaviour appear to make no sense, but they do from the inside. lol

Most nons tend to think they can change other people themselves. When they find out thats not true thats where the hopelessness comes from. Change comes from within ourselves. If you're suffering from a PD and have acknowledged it and are treating it then there is nothing but hope for you. So don't think you are ever hopeless.

CptSaveAho wrote: I do realize that a lot of what we say broadly is "HPD's are like this, HPD's are like that" and that seems innacurate if you guys are HPD's that are not like that. But I wouldn't be HURT by it. I would assume that they were just wrong about me. And the cancer example is more analogous because both HPD and cancer are afflictions with differing degrees of severity.

But, I was referring specifically to this statement by the OP:

When you're going through the gutter, a flashback, or, "When a non may feel like blowing his head off because he is so depressed a woman he loved is forever gone...and he needs to come here to vent", they may not be thinking, "how can I please the HPs...".

And if they posted and an HP came and threw a bunch of eggshells on his/her thread, he/she may also think:

"This place makes me feel like crap".

Just sayin...

I wish the OP the best, but the OP is going through "cluster b" and experiencing and suffering from it in an entirely different way that the non threads. And believe it or not...the cluster b personality disorder is responsible for triggering many non suicides too.

Some nons do bash their HPD. Given the stuff that some of them went through you can't really blame them for feeling such anger and hate. After some time has pass they eventually calm down and grow from the experience. I'm not as seemingly hostile then again I was more fortunate compared to the other nons. I think of this place as good therapy. You can vent and rant about all the negative emotions you feel inside. You get support from those who been in your same position or those who were on the other side of the dysfunctional r/s. Over all it doesn't seem that bad. However, not everyone has a tough skin. So you kind of had to learn to fish through the hurtful post. I like to think if something stings you a little it means there some truth behind it. Now some nons/hpds can be be a little condescending but try not to take it too personally.

One point that hasn't been brought up is that there's a statistical reason for all the negativity you're picking up here. Keep in mind that each ONE HPD leaves a trail of destruction from many victims.. lets just say there's 12 destroyed lives for every 1 histrionic. That's a 1to12 ratio. If every HPD on earth sought treatment... they'd still be outnumbered 12 to 1... But the sad fact is that few HPD's seek treatment or even admit that what they do is horrible and sick. That bumps the non/hpd ratio here to a pretty unbalanced lean to us nons. It may make you feel alone and horrible... but that's exactly what draws us nons here. Most of our Hpd's are expert at alienating their 'supplies' from personal support by manipulating the perceptions of who they are. Can u understand how lonely and despairing that makes us feel?

No guilt trips here. I'M just layin it out as I see it. One thing that may help would be to use the posts here as your reality check into the minds of others. And the reflexive "I'll show everyone I can change" sentiment you expressed is not a bad side effect. We all tend to fall back on old behaviors when we achieve some peace... The crap feeling you get from our. Threads can be an antidote to that trap.