Why we Have our 'Fan Clubs' (for HPD's ONLY)

expressivecreative,

I think what fans clubs are is the group of admirers of the HPD who are available to provide support and supply to them.

I guess HPD's are notorious for having groups of admirers around on demand to perform miscellaneous tasks for the HPD.

I think the "nons" are attaching some ominous meaning to the term "fan club" but to us I think it feels like an innocent thing. From my standpoint, it was understood that it was just a give and take friendship.

Fan Club 'members' are actually different from friends.

Friends are those in which you share things common. You share a open bond and certain amount of respect/trust within a friendship. You have each others backs through thick and thin, and you enjoy your friends and the time you spend with them because you both get something (undefined) from the relationship. There isn't a bunch of expecations and fascades in friendships. You can be the geek you are, and totally honest with your friends. There is no judgement and little compition with friends. It's a companionship and compassionate relationship based on commonalities, enjoyment and respect. Nothing is gained or lost in friendship. You are you, they are them and you like each other just the way you are.

Fans are different. Fans are not friends, but those who have an attraction towards you and want to be in your inner circle; in your confidence and your atmosphere because they like the way you make them feel about themselves. Chances are you may share a few things in common, either that or the fan will bend towards things you like in order to please you and gain your approval. A fan will give anything (monetary or otherwise) in order to be with you, be seen with you, be close to you, and hold some part of you- even if it's just a moment or two of your time. Fans see that there is competion for your attention and affection as well. They constantly try to stand out/above others in your 'fan club' so that they can be considered a favorite of yours, making them the 'prize winner' and all the more special (to themselves and to the other fans who become jealous of favorites, and to you as well).

Fans mimic friends. You would never spend any considerable amount of time or emotional investment in a fan. They come and go in droves and the more there is, the more you get, as others notice that you are (for some reason) desired...

Right now my fans are mainly online; but it wasn't always that way...

When I was a young child I didn't have fans, barely had friends in fact, it wasn't until my early preteens/teens that I developed the admirers and what the non's call 'fans'.

Boys wanted to be with me. Not the older boys who use me, but the younger boys who wished I'd give them the time of day. They couldn't have me because I wasn't interested in them, but the wanted me and were somewhat pleased that I would allow them to hang out with me when I wasn't with the other (older) boys. The more admirers I had, the more others started to 'admire me' but they didn't all get along/hang out all at the same time (the guys) so I would have a group over here, a group over there, and some stragllers/smaller groups between them which I would interchange and intermix with as I so choose.

That got all the more in high school. Bigger place, more people= more fans and groups to flit between. Knowing people, having people introduce you to who ever; you make new acuantances and then it just snow balls. From school to school around the area I had small groups of guys in every high school and some out of high school. It was always easy to find something to do because there was always plenty of guys ready and willing to do anything I wanted, any time I wanted, and again- they would all try to out do each other to be seen as my favorite.

From school to the bars (when I was a stripper) there were the guys in the clubs and then it just went from little things I could get to HUGE payouts and drugs, just for being me and them wanting to be the pet of my affections. I would go from bar to bar all over southern ontario and had fans (customers and club workers alike) who would be my fans from place to place. Some followed me from club to club just to be with me. Some did some strange and unusual things to keep tabs on me too... Kreepy...
But everywhere I went I was liked and highly sought after by men.

Women are a different story entirely.
Women usually fall into one of 2 groups where fans are concerned.
1- they hate you because you have 'fans' and they don't
2- the seek to befriend you so that they can share in your limelight and use you to gain their own connections in the world.

Friends think the fans are funny and they enjoy the many things you can get from them. Lovers hate the fans because they feel they are a threat.

My online fan clubs (yes I do have actual fan CLUBS online) are pretty harmless...
They admire me from a distance and I enjoy their compliments when I feel like I want to log on. They don't invade my life they way a lot of the tangable fans of my past used to, and their competitionis minimal (no physical fights and such- which is nice)

How you get 'fans'?
I don't know for sure because I don't 'try' to get them, they just seem to fall in my lap some how
lol

Each and every step of the way, I was just being me and they liked whatever it is they saw and they wanted to tag along.

Friends are different from fans though. there's a closeness to friends (something I haven't allowed for in a very long time) and fans don't have that. You can like them and even 'love' them- I do love my guys and I'm so greatful to have them- I've been saying that for years and I still say it all the time. they are a very important part of my life; but there's no 'closeness' there. The walls are always 'up' and they're not allowed to penetrate them at all. I pull them out when I need them and I put them away when I don't. I'll never suffer from my fans because they'll never close enough to cause me suffering in any way. I keep them at an affectionate distance and the entire realtionship is by MY TERMS!

Fans will take anything you're willing give them, in any capacity.
All they want is YOU. You're time, your attention, your affection, your love, your approval, any piece of you they can get- as long as it's YOURS!

It`s wierd as hell actually.
I`m not famous or increadable in any way, so why I should have fans of any kind or description is beyond me. It honestly makes no sense. But rather than question the `why`I accept what they give me and try NOT to use them for anything concrete anymore...

Hope this makes some sense anyways...

Another reason we have our fans is because they give both an outlet for our issues (absorb negativity) and they bring us up (produce positivity) when we are down... They help us balance when we go too far one way or another- it's amazing.

I've recently been feeling blah beyond beliefe and one of my little darlings is working so hard to make me smile, and pick me up out of this funk- I just can't help but laugh and feel 1000 times better

They breath new life and happiness in to us when we are unable to create that or attain that on our own.
Just another way they show support- making us SMILE

I love this post Alice, this is the kind of stuff I needed to hear, I like how what you said is alot like what my therapist said, my therapist says I think more like a child than an adult, and the way i process things is more like a child, but one thing i have realized is that when a person is doing like i want them to do then i like that person, but when the person is ignoring me or doing sometihng to make me mad then i HATE that person, and i believe that all of us HPDs have a different concept of love, it seems that everyone that i thought i could "love/trust" has disappointed me, or betrayed me to some degree or another so i never "love" people, i get attached to friends and people for a short period of time but when im attached to someone whether it be a friend or a bf or anything i get so attached it almost hurts, because even the slightest hint that someone is ignoring me KILLS me, but i always expect to be disappointed by everyone i get close to, im not sure if i can even feel love, i mean anyone can say they love me but how am i supposed to "feel" that they love me, and how am i supposed to love someone back? I mean i can like someone alot, and be crushed if they died but im not sure if i can even feel love

My fans are mostly all men, ex-bf's, ex-husbands (well I've only been married twice, but still...)

I've thought a lot lately after their role in my life, and whether or not any of them could be relieved (Ha!) of their duties. In other words, could I cut any of them out of my life and not miss a beat. What I came up with was Yes and No.

I could sit and list them, we're at about 8 at this point, guys I keep in my life in some way or form. I've gotten good at diagnosing them in my head (SO healthy!) but at least I have them figured out and I know what I'm dealing with and what works with them and how to manipulate them. They range from NARCs to ASPD and everywhere in between. I don't think I'm attracted to a certain type, even though I tend to be REALLY attracted to the confidence and arrogance of NARCs. It goes without saying (I guess) that I don't deliberately hurt any of them. Not intentionally, at least, as long as they're doing what I want and giving me the attention that I need.

I've gotten better, I have, at realizing what I'm doing and I'm trying to be mindful and much more aware of my HPD traits. When I'm good, things (shockingly) go SOOO much better for me. When I'm bad, well, I make The World's Worst Decisions and tend to make my life a complete and utter wreck. It's taken me some time to understand that; that I CREATE my own crap, but saying it and doing it? Two totally different things.

I think what I'm slowly realizing and understanding about having the fans IS what all you have been posting.....I need them. Each one of them fill a void....I have such a different relationship with each and every one of them. They all have a little piece of me. Not one of them have it all. The closest would be my current ex-husband. He is probably the only one who knows about the BPD and HPB and even though he doesn't fully understand it, he's trying. We have 2 children together and I think that's why we have the relationship we have (also unconventional).

The other night I was on the phone with my "boyfriend" and my ex was there at the house. He could somewhat hear my end of the conversation and he made a comment that I thought was interesting. He said something about what a good actress I am. And I thought, well, DUH. Yes. No kidding. I am the best actress in any given situation. I am just about always "ON", with the exception of my ex and my children.

Anyway, naturally I'm getting off topic. But could I let any of my fans go? Probably not....

Wendy1092 wrote:I love this post Alice, this is the kind of stuff I needed to hear, I like how what you said is alot like what my therapist said, my therapist says I think more like a child than an adult, and the way i process things is more like a child, but one thing i have realized is that when a person is doing like i want them to do then i like that person, but when the person is ignoring me or doing sometihng to make me mad then i HATE that person, and i believe that all of us HPDs have a different concept of love, it seems that everyone that i thought i could "love/trust" has disappointed me, or betrayed me to some degree or another so i never "love" people, i get attached to friends and people for a short period of time but when im attached to someone whether it be a friend or a bf or anything i get so attached it almost hurts, because even the slightest hint that someone is ignoring me KILLS me, but i always expect to be disappointed by everyone i get close to, im not sure if i can even feel love, i mean anyone can say they love me but how am i supposed to "feel" that they love me, and how am i supposed to love someone back? I mean i can like someone alot, and be crushed if they died but im not sure if i can even feel love

Wendy- I think what we call love and what we have as the feeling of love is something entirely different from what a 'normal' persona calls love.

To a normal person, their love is calm is peaceful. It's built on trust, commonalities, compassion and understanding.

Our love is different. Our love is built on hope, surrounded by dependancy, craving for protection, seeking of guidance, need for understanding and support, and it's something we express as total adoration and obsession. The men we love become the center of our world (most times) because we put all our hopes and dreams onto them. When they don't do the same in return we feel hurt, because thier love isn't the equivilent of ours... We do love, we just love differently because we were taught to love differently. We love with our whole hearts because we pour so much into them and hold on so tight; but we can't get too close becasue we know their love will hurt and we will hurt because of them. It's too much 'love' and not enough trust.
This is not our 'fault' we were warped into loving this way- it's through therapy and learning what real love is in a trusting environment that we learn to except real love and express real love with trust tosomeone else.

This is why our fan clubs are so useful. Because they give us their affections, adoration and support from a distance. We won't be hurt by them because we don't love them in that way. We're not 'All In'

Do you ever notice that?
That you can't just feel a little bit, especially with 'love' it's all or nothing? You pour yourself all in to someone when you love them and when they hurt you hate them with everything you have inside you?
That hurts like hell.
Hating someone you love so much, hurts and it becomes confusing- you start to distrust people all the more as this happens time and time again. You keep people more at a distance as this pattern repeates, and you can't trust them with your heart. You want to- that's why you go all in, but you're always waiting for them to hurt you and because you know it will happen, you pull yourself back from them every now again (subconsciously) to make sure it won't hurt so bad in the end...

Our love, like all our emotions, is very complex.

A normal persons love is much simpler (it seems) because they don't do these things within themselves. They have trust and they can get close with out the fear of abandonment and pain the way we have it. Their love is constant and it's something that progresses over time.

Ours is instant and fully intense; but there's constant fear and lack of trust.

Some people may say that waht we feel isn't 'love' but to us this is what love is because this is the way we've experienced love all our lives. We can be told real love is different, but until we experience how it's different, we have nothing to identify it with. For us, for now, this is love as we know it; maybe one day that will change, but for now this is all we know...

PerfectLittleGirl wrote:The other night I was on the phone with my "boyfriend" and my ex was there at the house. He could somewhat hear my end of the conversation and he made a comment that I thought was interesting. He said something about what a good actress I am. And I thought, well, DUH. Yes. No kidding. I am the best actress in any given situation. I am just about always "ON", with the exception of my ex and my children.

This is so true!
It's totally a coping mechanism for us to be able to turn it on like that..

My husband used to be amazed at how I could do that too when we first got together.

Be fighting and ready to kill him one mintue, open the door my parents house and be all bright smiles and happiness the next. It baffled him. He said he'd never seen anything like it.

To me though (to us all) that's 'normal' because it's how we get by. With a cheery face and charisma... Supperficial charm and eternal happiness... Only those who get close to us get to see the pain behind the fascade...

WOW ALICE!

The insight on here just floors me sometimes.

I am completely all or nothing when I'm interested in or with a guy. I just leap right in. I love the new-ness, yes, but I also just want to GET THERE. I want them to know everything about me all at once (the 'good' part, of course, nothing 'bad') and I've learned through all these years how to 'read' them. I pay attention, I know what they want, and I know how to give it to them. I become THE PERFECT GIRLFRIEND. I appear to lack drama and I'm laid back, I've got my sh*t together, I'm self-sufficient, I'm independent, I'm fun, I'm open-minded, etc., when really I'm not. Again (and I hate to sound like I'm repeating myself) I am NOT doing it deliberately. It's all I've been taught.

My fans are all I have sometimes for support, comfort and what I consider love. They all want a part of me, and I give them that. To them I'm a fantastic girlfriend (or ex-girlfriend). I have become SO adapt and keeping each and every relationship separate that I'm an expert at it. I tend to do it with everyone in my life, not just the fans. On the surface, I am that person; the polished, always put together single mom who does a million things at once, with a high stress job keeping all the balls in the air all at once, never stopping, never faltering, doing it ALL on my own. If they only knew....I use them. It's also all I've been taught.

And yes, I've become ridiculously good at acting. I really cannot remember a time in my life that I didn't. I had to do it in order to cope. Like so many others on here, I was molested by my step-father, but I was already showing HPD traits long before that. My mother is classic BPD, possibly/probably (borderline) schizophrenic, as was her mother. As I'm learning more about PD's, she has what I believe is a host of things. She thought about nothing but herself from an early age, the stories I've heard from her siblings as well as my grandparents are legendary. She was volatile and unstable. My father was completely out of the picture, my mother actually lied about who he was until I was older and had a family member "slip" and tell me. I was moved and uprooted and used as leverage whenever my mother needed it, simply put I was a pawn. I grew up trusting everyone and no one, all at the same time. I would attach myself to anyone who gave me the time of day, which did nothing but set me up for years of abuse because no matter what they dished out, I took. I still struggle with not keeping score in my head. I never forget, yet I have continued to let the same things happen to me time after time until recently.

When I love someone (my version of love), it's all or nothing. I am invested. I'm present. I will TRY to think about their feelings. But IF they wrong me (even if it's MY perception that they've wronged me), wow, watch out.

Great post Alice. I think that may be why I've always had such a hard time letting go of things and people that are bad for me. That thinking that yep it's bad now but it will get better soon or that things will change. I mean after all my parents argued constantly but always made up. Very high tolerance for emotional pain? Or lack of coping with it in proper ways? Been trying to let go of things but it's still difficult. Started ab anti anxiety/depression med. Will see how that works out. Thanks for this excellent post, I've read through it several times now. Jean

Thanks Girls

I think it's important to see not only why we do these things, but also how they serve a missing need, and know that's OK we do some of these things as long as no one is getting hurt.

of course the aim in therapy is to get a point where we no longer need these things, but if we're not there yet- it's OK, and there's no shame in needing support, friendship, a shoulder to cry on and everything else. We created these clubs to get those things because we don't have them in our real life/close contacts; but they are none the less important!

Baby steps...