Any suggestions please?

Hello!

My name is Aphrodite, I am 27 years old and Greek. Therefore, I apologize beforehand for my pour use of English.

I started browsing around the net for psychology forums since my ex boyfriend whom I love very much had a relapse in schizophrenia and is currently being h st ospitalised. Anyways, this is another story.

The thing is that I believe I have some sort of personality disorder - possibly HPD, but I am not 100% sure of it since I havent seeked professional help. I know, that I am going through a difficult phase - but I am not sure if it has to do with taking a step through maturity and evolving in general (since this age is critical for developing anxieties concerning our targets in lives and so on ...)

Let me describe a few events:

- I tend to clinge on my boyfriends. I have had 4 long term relationships (since the age of 18). I remember even now that these people meant a hell lot to me. They were my life. I always thought I was a love-giving person but now I am not sure if Im just an egotistical little creep trying to manipulate people for my own good by filling the gaps in my heart ansee o
d soothing my bloody insecurities.
- I come from a very troubled family. My father (whom I dont respect all that much) is kind of a drunk, he abused me (physically not sexually) when younger and my mother as well. I remember how terrified I was of him and how much I hated him when I was still living with them. My brother, 4 years younger than me, 23, has serious drug problems - heroin addict - but is now going better. The weird thing is that I don't feel connected with their problems. I always feel like I have to go and visit them rather than want to visit them. I love my mother but I can't seem to show it in practical ways. Id rather see my current bf (who keeps wanting his space and time) rather than go see my mother, brother and close friends (ive grown apart from them as well)
- My current bf and I have been together for the last year. He is a loving, kind, intelligent and interesting guy - has never ever shouted or mistreated me - but he is a lot different than me in our emotional expressions. I tend to be really loving and I keep seeking his attention, while he - sometimes - claims he needs his time and space and "We don't have to be together all the time Aphrodite" - although, we only see each other 2-3 times a week.
- I tend to get really angry with him when I don't get it my way. My way is having a good time together, sharing and loving each other. I feel like I am not being loved as I should be loved, wanted. I constantly feel he is rejecting me and I can get really extreme about it (shout, scream, throw stuff around, push him, last time I tore his shirt off and then just burst into tears, feeling so depressed and guilty and useless about my irrational behaviour) - I mean my temper changes from one minute to the other. In one of our recent arguments, I grabbed a pair of scissors and pushed it against my wrist, shouting at him if he thinks im crazy and if he wants to see me go through it. This certainly doesn't seem right now that I come to think of it clear minded.
- In one of our recent arguments (even more recently) - after going through all this hysterical mood (screaming, shouting, venting, crying) I grabbed his hand and provoked him to hit me. He didn't do it so I just hit myself in the face really hard. Then again, I felt really awful and started the guilt-sorrow trip.
- I feel useless and terrified when alone. I feel more terrified of being abandoned. But I know, that even when I am left alone .... after a seperation ... I know from the past that I would very quickly start improving my physical appearance and get really wild partying and meeting various guys. I tend to leave myself when I am in a relationship. I want to feel loved and accepted. Although I still value my sex life a big deal, I dont seem to get in any trouble for my appearance. But when alone, I become a really confident, sociable, witty and sometimes too seductive and provocative person.
- I tend to feel really depressed about my life. I hate my appearance, job, life in general. I've thought about suicide but I think I am too coward to get through with it. I fear pain.
- I feel trapped in my mind. I mean ... Id love to be really independent and seductive. Id prefer if people were drawn to me rather than me getting attached to them. I feel so mellow and soft sometimes, so needy and insecure and sensitive and I hate it.
- I am an amateur artist but I feel i cant practice my art without feeling loved.

I don't know ... i hope all these words made some sense. It's all complicated in my mind.

Please tell me what you think.

Take care
Aphrodite

You sounds like HPD with all those "love me, love me"!

There´s a movie about a HPD girl called "Blue Sky" (with Tommy Lee Jones).

I´ll write more later!

Are you an attention whore?

This encyclopedia is gonna tell you: http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/in ... tion_Whore