feel depressed after seeing therapist today

Guys, I hate to whine and have a pity party but I wanted to be quite candid. I walked into my therpists office today full of pep and energy only to emerge an hour later feeling blue. We talked about the exHPDgf and one of the reasons I stated why it is hard to let go is because I feel like I would be "quitting". I hate to "give up". I know she has this HPD disorder and "if only" if she would let her guard down I would understand her and help her. I know it is sick thinking but it is just one of sevreal reAsons why it is hard to let go. But yet then I think of how she did not inquite into my life last month when I contacted her for the first time in 4 months. She was very cold. Before I walked into my therapists office I WAS feeling strong. Heck I even "thought" about sending her atext that said "call me"...to prove to myself AND her that I could talk ona friendly baisi and not let her "get" to me. Guuys when I think of how "close" we were...sex, flattery, daily tttexts...to where we are now...it is so frustrating !!! IF any of you see a therapist, do any of you ever come out of the office feeling WORSE ???? I know I need to let this woman go but she has this hold on me. I have no idea where the thought of her asking her to call me came from today. Maybe I miss her voice. I know she is gone for good...but a part of me can't accept this. I just miss the good old days. Any advice to this "wornout" old guy is appreciated. And I know most of it will be redundant. Sorry to be such a nuisance aand whiner....

Therapy is hard work and sometimes making progress is painful. I don't think you should have the expectation that you'll always come out feeling energized. I used to regularly come out exhausted, like I'd been run through the wringer.

Listen man, deluding yourself! This urge to talk to her is not about proving that you can talk without letting her get to you––she's getting to you without talking. And letting go is not hard because you don't want to 'quit', it's hard because you're addicted and obsessive, like a drug addict. While you may have learned that this was all just a perverse fantasy that she created to ensnare you, you haven't fully integrated that understanding and you're craving another round. Change your thoughts instead of rationalizing. The feeling was neurotransmitters being released when you gave yourself over to the fantasy. You have to wean yourself off of it now.

I went through a time when I was trying to believe there was something good and valuable about my relationship with the HPD. I wanted to create a memory with positive meaning attached rather than accept it as destructive, malicious, and rotten to the core. Once I accepted that it was rotten to the core, and that it happened because of my own human weakness and vulnerability (as opposed to because I was special) combining with an opportunistic, antisocial hpd who cared for me in precisely the same way a buzzard cares for roadkill, I was able to let it go.

So my advice is accept it for what it was and quit trying to salvage something from it. It was not about you– it just happened to be you that took the bait. Don't keep taking the bait.

IF any of you see a therapist, do any of you ever come out of the office feeling WORSE ????

Sure. Even angry on my shrink. But in my experience it always was cathartic. I was steaming for some hours or even days but then I realised that my shrink was right / it was not that bad / I could change. These are the best situation for substantial changes!! Do it!

Santa Fe just posted the necessary rest.

Wow Santa fe...very sage advice !!! I will copy and paste and reread for future reference !!! Very well put !!! Thanks !!!

Wow santa fe, really great advice.

It's advice I'll be thinking about today in regards to why I haven't broken it off yet (or why I let myself be dragged back in when I or she has).

santa fe wrote:Therapy is hard work and sometimes making progress is painful. I don't think you should have the expectation that you'll always come out feeling energized. I used to regularly come out exhausted, like I'd been run through the wringer.

Listen man, deluding yourself! This urge to talk to her is not about proving that you can talk without letting her get to you––she's getting to you without talking. And letting go is not hard because you don't want to 'quit', it's hard because you're addicted and obsessive, like a drug addict. While you may have learned that this was all just a perverse fantasy that she created to ensnare you, [b]you haven't fully integrated that understanding[/b] and you're craving another round. Change your thoughts instead of rationalizing. The feeling was neurotransmitters being released when you gave yourself over to the fantasy. You have to wean yourself off of it now.

I went through a time when I was trying to believe there was something good and valuable about my relationship with the HPD. I wanted to create a memory with positive meaning attached rather than accept it as destructive, malicious, and rotten to the core. Once I accepted that it was rotten to the core, and that it happened because of my own human weakness and vulnerability (as opposed to because I was special) combining with an opportunistic, antisocial hpd who cared for me in precisely the same way a buzzard cares for roadkill, I was able to let it go.

So my advice is accept it for what it was and quit trying to salvage something from it. It was not about you– it just happened to be you that took the bait. Don't keep taking the bait.

You hit the nail on the head here. The HPD creates this same fake albeit addictive fantasy with endless numbers of men. If you spent 5 seconds in her phonebook you would see that. You are not special to her, you should be surprised she even remembers your name.

The only benefit and value that comes from a HPD relationship is precisely BECAUSE it is so totally rotten and worthless...you'll never fall for it again. In my case I am young and it was not too damaging, at least. Aside from the learning experience, the HPD relationship is a total loss, financially, emotionally, and a massive loss of opportunity. Some of you are older and the learning experience may be less valuable.

santa fe wrote:Therapy is hard work and sometimes making progress is painful. I don't think you should have the expectation that you'll always come out feeling energized. I used to regularly come out exhausted, like I'd been run through the wringer.

Listen man, deluding yourself! This urge to talk to her is not about proving that you can talk without letting her get to you––she's getting to you without talking. And letting go is not hard because you don't want to 'quit', it's hard because you're addicted and obsessive, like a drug addict. While you may have learned that this was all just a perverse fantasy that she created to ensnare you, [b]you haven't fully integrated that understanding[/b] and you're craving another round. Change your thoughts instead of rationalizing. The feeling was neurotransmitters being released when you gave yourself over to the fantasy. You have to wean yourself off of it now.

I went through a time when I was trying to believe there was something good and valuable about my relationship with the HPD. I wanted to create a memory with positive meaning attached rather than accept it as destructive, malicious, and rotten to the core. Once I accepted that it was rotten to the core, and that it happened because of my own human weakness and vulnerability (as opposed to because I was special) combining with an opportunistic, antisocial hpd who cared for me in precisely the same way a buzzard cares for roadkill, I was able to let it go.

So my advice is accept it for what it was and quit trying to salvage something from it. It was not about you– it just happened to be you that took the bait. Don't keep taking the bait.

You hit the nail on the head here. The HPD creates this same fake albeit addictive fantasy with endless numbers of men. If you spent 5 seconds in her phonebook you would see that. You are not special to her, you should be surprised she even remembers your name.

The only benefit and value that comes from a HPD relationship is precisely BECAUSE it is so totally rotten and worthless...you'll never fall for it again. In my case I am young and it was not too damaging, at least. Aside from the learning experience, the HPD relationship is a total loss, financially, emotionally, and a massive loss of opportunity. Some of you are older and the learning experience may be less valuable.

Capn...I beg to differ, I may be "older" at 51 but the experience has proved to be "INvaluable". Now I have aquired those skills to see thru the BS !

I honestly don't know if every one with HPD feels nothing at all for those they claim to love.

Side story - I did know a guy who fell hard for a stripper, and while he thought she was HPD (because she was sexually flirtatious with so many others and "used" him), he seemed to have missed that she makes her money faking it for as many guys as she possibly can, and indeed, feels nothing because well, that's the job, to put on a show and feel nothing about it.

But I honestly don't know if people in general who are dealing with HPD never have any feelings that are comparable to a NON. I mean if I think about BPD, another cluster B PD, it's not that they don't have feelings, it's that they have immature feelings which causes them to fail at relationships with other adults.

On the other hand when I think about those I worked with who were diagnosed as ASPD, they really seem to have no feelings about others, and what one sees is purely an act.

Of course there can be some cross-over of PD issues, so I suppose it's possible that someone could meet someone with HPD who also has some ASPD issues. But looking at the criteria for HPD it's not clear to me that the disorder includes having no feelings for others. Rather I perceive it more like BPD. Immature feelings, and patterns of thinking that push away others over the long term, though the behaviors can seem attractive when one first meets them. There are many ways a BPD can push others away, including that they are a bottomless pit of "need" and it's like walking on egg shells around them, they are hard to live with for long. I'm finding the same is true of the person with HPD in my life. Still I'd assume they feel, just that their feelings aren't regulated like other adults.

All that aside, the bottom line is you are better off without her joliver. Whether or not she loved you is really secondary to the fact that over the long run, no matter what you did or do, she will be unhappy. I'm sure you have fond memories, but it would have been a spiral down into a life of hell sooner or later.

xdude wrote:I honestly don't know if every one with HPD feels nothing at all for those they claim to love.

Side story - I did know a guy who fell hard for a stripper, and while he thought she was HPD (because she was sexually flirtatious with so many others and "used" him), he seemed to have missed that she makes her money faking it for as many guys as she possibly can, and indeed, feels nothing because well, that's the job, to put on a show and feel nothing about it.

But I honestly don't know if people in general who are dealing with HPD never have any feelings that are comparable to a NON. I mean if I think about BPD, another cluster B PD, it's not that they don't have feelings, it's that they have immature feelings which causes them to fail at relationships with other adults.

On the other hand when I think about those I worked with who were diagnosed as ASPD, they really seem to have no feelings about others, and what one sees is purely an act.

Of course there can be some cross-over of PD issues, so I suppose it's possible that someone could meet someone with HPD who also has some ASPD issues. But looking at the criteria for HPD it's not clear to me that the disorder includes having no feelings for others. Rather I perceive it more like BPD. Immature feelings, and patterns of thinking that push away others over the long term, though the behaviors can seem attractive when one first meets them. There are many ways a BPD can push others away, including that they are a bottomless pit of "need" and it's like walking on egg shells around them, they are hard to live with for long. I'm finding the same is true of the person with HPD in my life. Still I'd assume they feel, just that their feelings aren't regulated like other adults.

All that aside, the bottom line is you are better off without her joliver. Whether or not she loved you is really secondary to the fact that over the long run, no matter what you did or do, she will be unhappy. I'm sure you have fond memories, but it would have been a spiral down into a life of hell sooner or later.

HPD's have shallow feelings, in fact that is one of the DSM criterion I believe. Those feelings are just a small part of what "love" is. How can you love without empathy? They can feel however they want, but their actions tell a different story. The don't know what real love is because of their stunted development as children. Like you said, it is not comparable to what a non feels and does when in love.

By the way, my HPD is not even one of the more ASPD/NPD ones, she really did get attached to at least one man and she doesn't seem to talk that much trash behind other fan club member's backs(although even that could just be a cover to their friends that can't rationalize their behavior as anything but pure manipulation...something like Treetop's HPD). Some of them, like Alittlewisernow's HPD, are extremely callous and cold. But to the non, the end result is the same.