Everyone as a Histronic tendancy

I seem to be the new and upcoming fad for my partner; she finds a new social disorder and i fit the bill. I struggle with this and feel i am hurt. I know no one on here knows me and that no one know's her. but it still hurts me.

Manipulative:
Yes i am manipulative at times. Are we not all. Do we all not do things to swing the balance in our favour. I am not talking about damning things but we have all lied to get things in our favour. I know most people i know have at one time or another.

Caring:
I care about my partner and her children more than i care about myself. I agree that my world is very enclosed and that it only reaches out a small way.

Love:
I understand love. I feel this emotion. I have been in love a number of times in my life. Never like i am now with my present partner. I have never connected woth a person that i have like i do now.

Trust:
I have major issue's with this. I do not trust anyone. I put my faith and trust into my partner, but i know it is fragile. I know it's because i have been let down time and time again. Mostly always by the woman in my life. My mother through totwo ex-wifes.

Hope:
I have great hopes for my life and future but they get easily damaged by my partner.

Do not look for something in the order i have placed these.....i am doing this from my heart on the fly.

Background.
I have always been something very different from other people, i know that. From 14 - 16 i lived on the streets, from 18 - 19 till i was 23 i was an alcholic with a 3 year getting over it period . I was violent, (not with women) ; i was constantly in fights every single night. Up to this point; i was an intravert. This changed now.
I lived from 26 till the present quite normal, till 2 years ago. I told the most massive lie that i was dying of cancer. This is an histronic trait. I was lost an uncompassionate about it. I felt nothing. I hurt everyone around me. I became an alcholic again for the last two years. I wound that down in sept. I have not touched a single drop since Jan 22nd 2005.
Sept 2004 i got a wake up call; My partner told me i was a comulsive liar. No i am not. I lied compulsivly; i had Histronic tendancies. I had APD tendancies. Well after all - pretty anti social behaviour.

What i know:
I realise all this, i feel remorse, i feel shame and realise the affect that i have had on others. I feel the guilt and shame unbearable. I have confessed to all about my lies. I feel more ashamed that i started drinking again than the health lie.
The lie perpetuates drink, drink perpetuates lie. Wonderful. took a lot to break free. I understand very little about HPD or APD. But i know that i wouldnt understand these feelings, or wouldnt even believe that i have a problem. Or give a rats arse about my loved ones.

My Partner:
She has helped me; and supported me through this terrible time. She has been lied to contstantly. She has been hurt and her self image has been very damaged. I want to help her like she as herself at times helped me. How?
She attacks the fabric of me now so it is not that easy to stay focused on her problem. She wants to talk again; more questions that deserve answers. More problems. Each question is a junction for new questions. I dont lie anymore; so i just dont answer. "Why did you tell your ex-wife that i blah blah - huh", i motor mouth (i know this to be wrong). i have hurt her again. i didnt think; again, i was hurt; again. It dosent matter to her when we break up what the hell she says to her ex and firends and family about me. It matters what i say to my ex and friends and family.

I am sick of her not treating me like a normal person when we have problems. I am sick to the teeth that when we have an argument about.........god no's what..why i suddenly become someone in her eyes with an Anti Social Behaviouur. I do not think about hurting her; i dont think about killing her. I just think shut the f**k up, please. I want a quiet life.

Now:
i got an appoinment with a counsellor, and my partner came with me. She was wonderful. So strong for me. She really is my best friend. I love her to bits. I have hurt her so much and she stays with me. She has helped me to see things more objectivly than i was ever able to do on my own.

The councellor:
I was dead against going. She wanted me to so i did. I was aphrehensive about saying things about my past to a stranger. I actually felt good for it. Drained but happy to have said some the terible things that have happened to me in my life. No i dont think that i am at all tickety boo, but i believe that it was another wonderful start for me on the road to self healing. Unfortunatly the counsellor said that she was going to put me up for psych evalauation which would take 6 months. She said she realised that me and muy partner loved each other very much and that want to be together but both hurt on the opposite sides of the fence. She suggested counselling for us as a couple which we both agreed would be good. We then said we would keep the conversations about the problems of the lie's over the last 2 years to a minimum. Well she's still hurting and needs to scream.

I dont no the answers to anything. If i said goodbye to my partner. My life would start agin normally, so would hers. But thats just to easy. We are very good together and enjoy one another so very much. She never ever writes about me like this.
To her i am darth vadar, she forgets that i am anikin skywalker too.
I like most people have probably the same amout of dark side to light side, it's just that i know right from wrong and that what keeps the dark side at bay in all of us.

Thank you reading this anyone out there.

[quote="jamostrat"]I seem to be the new and upcoming fad for my partner; she finds a new social disorder and i fit the bill. I struggle with this and feel i am hurt. I know no one on here knows me and that no one know's her. but it still hurts me.]

Firstly, you are not a fad. I would not put myself through intense pain and hurt for that sake alone. You are a very important person in my life. I love you. If you werent, i wouldnt give a hoot.
This forum has been of immense help to me. Prior to meeting you, although i had touched mental health issues in the past (having had post partum depression and anxiety) I had not encountered someone with what i can only say has past life issues.
I admit, i have had a relatively straight forward life. I am lucky.
From my viewpoint (as a person that had a relatively straight forward life) our relationship has not been of the norm. I understand that for you, you have been through many problems and issues in your life. You have fought them and overcome them for many many years. You are a very strong person. So perhaps, when these problems occured this time, for you, it did not seem as unusual as perhaps it was to me, after all, youve been through much worse before.
When we met, i had no idea of underlying problems that you had. In the past, i had met people, and took them on face value. they told me something, and i had no reason to doubt it. Why would I? As a person that came from a straight forward existance, life was, just that, pretty straight forward.
Quote
I am sick of her not treating me like a normal person when we have problems. I am sick to the teeth that when we have an argument about.........god no's what..why i suddenly become someone in her eyes with an Anti Social Behaviouur.

The problems that we have had, have, not been the norm problems that most relationships go through. We have had problems because of the issues in your life - not because of the issues in my life. I was not around when most of these things took place. I have paid the price, for, as you say, all the women that have let you down. You admit yourself, that your behaviours over the last 2 years have been antisocial.
I understand these problems. NOW! It has taken nearly two years for you to be able to clearly explain to me the things inside you that have been ailing you. I also understand, that, this is because it has taken you two years to work it out yourself. But if you couldnt work it out and understand it, how the hell was i supposed to.

Quote - She attacks the fabric of me now so it is not that easy to stay focused on her problem.

I am not attacking you. I am trying to understand these very real issues, that i havent had to deal with before. I dont feel them as you do, in that, i havent this damage inside me, because i havent been through what you have. All i can do is use empathy. And be hurt for you, as what hurts you, hurts me, inside, my soul. You have hurt me many many times, and, i believe, for most of us, hurt transpires into anger. We try not to let it, but we see it as an attack on us. Whether intentional or not, what hurts us, damages us.
I know that you are a wonderful, caring, loving man. The things that have happened in your life, you did not ask for. I love you so much for the person you are, and even though the last 2 years have been incredibly hard - and for a straight forward lucky person like me, hard to understand, and i admit, deal with, I wouldnt have it any other way.
To know you truly, is to love you immensley.
I feel so fortunate to be the person that you could truly open up to, and i will never abuse this. Yes you are right that trust is incredibly fragile. I will not abuse the trust that you have shown in me.
I love you sweetheart.