HELP! 911...Can't Quit thinking about my EX HPD

joliver, I'm sure she will contact you again at some point. most HPD's will keep in contact with just about everyone they have had relationships with, the only time they stop is when you no contact them. just how this thing started is an indication she intends to have you around as a supply source as long as possible.. she contacts you, an old college lover, out of the blue. many HPD's will look up people they knew in the past when their current supply is running low. (my HPD friend did this often, in fact, I was one of her 'former' friends when she reconnected with me out of the blue over a year ago.) the low supply she's experiencing could be due to a falling out with a group of people, which may have happened when she flirted with that coach. perhaps many people/ supply sources in her social circle found out about that and were annoyed about it. and no doubt she instigated the whole thing. my friend did that often, too, she would claim guys were chasing her when really she was the one chasing them or sending out the signals that she was interested in something more.

I suspect they look up old flames more frequently than the general population does, for a couple of reasons - there is less effort to get supply, because you already knew her in the past and have good memories of her; and because you are less connected to her current social group, you don't know what has gone on there and she can pretty much tell you whatever she wants about what happened.

I am just amazed that she has been married for 25 years !!! She is very sneaky from "locking" her iphone to deleting the recycle bin on her computer. I truly felt that I was the only one...other thasn her hubby...I now know I was used. The hurt is still here after 9 months too.

I feel for you.. it is hard in the beginning to get through all the emotions that come with being romantically duped, everything from anger at how things turned out to sorrow and just missing the way things used to be with her. the person she is married to probably has dealt with her cheating and manipulating behaviors many times, and chooses to look the other way (either that or she has him really tricked, but I doubt she could hide her cheating behaviors from him for 25 years, he is bound to have noticed at some point). in other words she married her 'doormat' and went out in search of her adventures, and as her 'doormat', he kept taking her back and trying to make the relationship work.

the fact that you miss her should dissipate with time. it's raw now, but after a year's time if you haven't contacted her again or saw her in person again, she should start to slowly fade from your day to day thoughts. in a sense, she is kind of giving you some closure you may not have gotten back when you dated her in college- now, you are starting to see what type of person she really is, and perhaps by seeing that now it can help you get over some of your old feelings that you harbored for her. and it can help you to thank your lucky stars you aren't the poor sap that married her!

my friend's recently done the same thing.. hooked up with a 'doormat' guy, and I'm sure she's not at all faithful to him because she's never been faithful to anybody. If she hasn't cheated yet, it's a given that she will cheat in the future or she's planning out her next cheating opportunity. I feel for him, too, I did try to warn him quite a while back but he didn't believe me. I feel bad that he's going to have to go through a whole lot of hardship, because I know he's a nice person and doesn't deserve it. plus he has a son so it's going to be difficult on his son as well, and strain his relationship with his son's mother. but, I guess there isn't a whole lot I can do about it if he's so blinded by her false charms at the moment. anyway, I guess trying to help people on this forum is my way of compensating for that - I may not be able to help him avoid the inevitable, but I can help others who are having experiences with HPD's.

joliver54 wrote:I am just amazed that she has been married for 25 years !!! She is very sneaky from "locking" her iphone to deleting the recycle bin on her computer. I truly felt that I was the only one...other thasn her hubby...I now know I was used. The hurt is still here after 9 months too.

Just keep reading this forum. Healing starts with understanding. Keep reading. You went through a textbook situation with an HPD. It also sounds like you are not happy in your own life. If you are not happy with yourself without this prostitute then clearly the problems are internal. Try to fix them.

treetop wrote:my friend's recently done the same thing.. hooked up with a 'doormat' guy, and I'm sure she's not at all faithful to him because she's never been faithful to anybody. If she hasn't cheated yet, it's a given that she will cheat in the future or she's planning out her next cheating opportunity. I feel for him, too, I did try to warn him quite a while back but he didn't believe me. I feel bad that he's going to have to go through a whole lot of hardship, because I know he's a nice person and doesn't deserve it. plus he has a son so it's going to be difficult on his son as well, and strain his relationship with his son's mother. but, I guess there isn't a whole lot I can do about it if he's so blinded by her false charms at the moment. anyway, I guess trying to help people on this forum is my way of compensating for that - I may not be able to help him avoid the inevitable, but I can help others who are having experiences with HPD's.

I hate to sound like A Little Wisernow, but tell me about this doormat guy? Is it obvious that that is why she picked him, i.e targeted him? My HPD's doormats are pretty impressive when I look back on it, but I guess she sees that she can manipulate them. They are about as good looking as she is so I guess they think that she would never cheat on them.
At the minimum they will cheat emotionally till the day they die because they will NEVER let their fan club go.

I wanted to say "Thanks" to everyone here...You all have really pointed me in the right direction towards healing. I will say this...a lot of folks here have used the phrase...""Fan Club" when it comed to my ex HPD. I dunno...I guess it is an ego thing, but it does hurt now that I am no longer part of her " FaN Club". My phone used to light up everyday wth text mesages from her...now nothing. However, I have to be strong and not contact her and know it is for the best. You all are a blessing to me. THANKS !!!

joliver54 wrote:I wanted to say "Thanks" to everyone here...You all have really pointed me in the right direction towards healing. I will say this...a lot of folks here have used the phrase...""Fan Club" when it comed to my ex HPD. I dunno...I guess it is an ego thing, but it does hurt now that I am no longer part of her " FaN Club". My phone used to light up everyday wth text mesages from her...now nothing. However, I have to be strong and not contact her and know it is for the best. You all are a blessing to me. THANKS !!!

I am going through the same thing you are going through and I was recently removed from the fan club's inner circle. Yes, it hurts. The abruptness and irrationality of it doesnt help.

I sooooo want to send her a simple text and say "Hi"....but then I think..."What good would that do?". She may not answer or if she does my 60 days of No Contact is negated and she will think less of me and now I will have to let the "Clock" start over. Dang, this is like a withdrawl from a drug. I hate that she has this power over me !!!!

just give it time, joliver, it will get better. I can relate to it in a way, I met a guy for a few months in my teens and developed a crush on him, but nothing ever came of it. I harbored fleeting romantic fantasies about him and 'what could have been' for years until I recently ran into his now wife, and hearing her describe the reality of their relationship quickly cured me of all fantasies I ever harbored. lol. but, even without meeting her, the random thoughts of him definitely faded and got fewer and further in between as the years went by. I think that the 'fantasy' is what ropes people in and keeps them thinking about it. just focus on the 'reality' of the situation, that's definitely a good cure!

captain - to describe my friend's current doormat - he's fairly attractive, though rather short. I'd say about an '8' to use the crude ratings system. I think mostly why she latched on to him was not his physical attributes, but his emotional and financial attributes. he's very steady and practical, and has a decent amount of money saved up. (probably doesn't now, being with her.. lol). he is also very sympathetic and can listen to a person talk about their troubles for hours, without so much as mentioning his own. he's also painfully shy, doesn't have much of a social life, and therefore won't pry into her social life nor ask too many questions. a perfect match for an HPD, really. the thing is, while she enjoys these attributes during the honeymoon phase and rapt attention phase, I know she will quickly bore of him because his 'steadiness' and shyness will aggravate her because she needs constant stimulation, as will his quiet listening with no return conversation. when that happens, she's probably counting on him standing by while she covertly cheats and flirts with others because he is steady and tries to build relationships. how fast it ends depends on when he reaches his breaking point, I think, but I'd give it about a year before he can't take it any more.

treetop wrote:
captain - to describe my friend's current doormat - he's fairly attractive, though rather short. I'd say about an '8' to use the crude ratings system. I think mostly why she latched on to him was not his physical attributes, but his emotional and financial attributes. he's very steady and practical, and has a decent amount of money saved up. (probably doesn't now, being with her.. lol). he is also very sympathetic and can listen to a person talk about their troubles for hours, without so much as mentioning his own. he's also painfully shy, doesn't have much of a social life, and therefore won't pry into her social life nor ask too many questions. a perfect match for an HPD, really. the thing is, while she enjoys these attributes during the honeymoon phase and rapt attention phase, I know she will quickly bore of him because his 'steadiness' and shyness will aggravate her because she needs constant stimulation, as will his quiet listening with no return conversation. when that happens, she's probably counting on him standing by while she covertly cheats and flirts with others because he is steady and tries to build relationships. how fast it ends depends on when he reaches his breaking point, I think, but I'd give it about a year before he can't take it any more.

You just described me Although maybe I was "bad boy" enough, good looking(threatening) enough, social enough, or smart enough that she never REALLY pushed for an exclusive relationship with me. Or, not sexual enough, not rich enough, or too busy(she mentioned this). The one thing that I, the new primary, and the old ex have in common are good looks and low self-esteem regarding attracting women. The outer fan club guys run the gamut.

I really don't see any of her steady relationships lasting a year unless she starts "dumpster diving". I considered breaking up with her at least 6 times in the first 4 months due to red flags. Granted, I had prior warning and she is a particularly transparent HPD. Although there were still feelings after the honeymoon ended(the next 4 months), I was pretty much just bitter at her and trying to get sex from her. She would have to find a real moron to last 1 whole year.