BPD/NPD/HPD-The Differences

yyy wrote; "oh... no hope in life... give it back to me... things I missed.... give me... my precious...



*suicide*

I have to die. I need to kill myself.
I am a liar.
I am just a loser.
I am a #######4 liar

I have to die.

help me?

:'O help help help help save me.

come and save me" unquote

yyy, I'm sad that you sometimes feel this bad. You have so much value and worth hun. If you ever feel this way, please seek the help of your doctor or therapist. You have so much beauty inside of you, and don't deserve to feel like that.

yyy -

Some thoughts on your last post in this thread.

First, yes it makes sense to me that for those who use sexually proactive behavior to get attention, that if they are attractive, would find it easier to use this approach, though there are other ways to get attention (including various destructive means). So it makes sense to me that the HPD coping strategy is more likely to be adopted by someone who is visually attractive.

But I really wanted to comment on the rest of your post. You listed a lot of assets, and indeed, assets do attract others. In some cases, people fall in love with the assets others have, at least for a time. And yes it is very possible to try very hard to impress/please others, and draw them in. So why do people abandon others despite all of that?

I don't think there is any one reason, but I will say this -

Not everyone is capable of emotional involvement beyond the love of assets, but unfortunately, many people have assets and so for someone who loves assets, they may grow bored and seek new assets, or lose interest if an asset dries up.

For others, they're not capable of love so much as they love the thrill of seducing someone new, and then once done, grow bored and seek a new thrill with someone else, over and over again.

For others, they may fall in love so easily, so quickly, especially for someone with assets, that for whatever reasons it seems many people cannot love someone who falls for others so easily. If it was a child, or a puppy, yes we could, but we seek something else from another adult. A relationship with an equal, who could make us stronger too. Someone whose heart is not easily won, who is not easily emotionally swayed, is hopefully not easily lost too.

I could write more, but the point is there are many reasons why two people can meet, a person's assets could attract others, and then still the relationship fails.

Some people though are capable of a love that goes beyond their attraction to assets, however what can be confusing is this -

Ideally we'd all like to meet someone we really love, plus have the assets that attract us (whether that is wealth, beauty, fame, power, whatever). When we're out dating, looking, uninvolved, lacking any other real understanding of another person, it makes sense that even people who seek love, are first attracted to assets, hoping that maybe a relationship will develop in which there is love, and the assets they desire. Ideally anyway.

For someone who can really love, someone whose heart is not easily won, someone who can feel and behave in a way that is deeply committed to another, assets alone cannot fulfill them. Assets still attract them, but assets alone cannot keep them involved indefinitely. What do these types seek?

They seek someone else whose heart is also not easily won, who is not easily swayed.

They seek a relationship in which being around their lover makes them feel GOOD about themselves, better than they feel alone, makes them feel stronger, makes their self-esteem soar, and they seek someone who makes them feel that way most of the time, ideally all the time.

They seek someone else they can trust, feel secure with. That they can go to sleep with and know they are safe. Someone they can leave on a business trip over night, or go to work for 8hrs, or leave for 5 minutes, without worry that their partner's emotions will be flighty and go poof, off emotionally, or sexually, or physically involved with someone else.

They seek peace in their own home, because there is enough chaos and drama in the rest of the world around them. Peace with one other special person.

They seek all of that, and they seek someone who is capable of giving it over the long run, and in return, they want to do the same, to protect that person because that kind of person leaves them feeling something that is impossible to feel alone. A mutual love.

And all the assets in the world, no matter one's looks, wealth, fame, talents, whatever, though they remain attractors, cannot fulfill what they really seek. The attractors are the ornaments on the the Christmas tree, but they're not the tree, the core foundation that some people really desire the most.

Perhaps that is also what those with HPD really seek as well, but the reality is, for those who seek that kind of relationship, what goes beyond the attractors, it's impossible for them to give that to another indefinitely if the same is not returned. Even emotionally healthy NONs ultimately are in it for themselves too, the want to be happy, and to be happy like that, they need a partner who is capable of giving them what they also truly seek, a committed, safe, love that goes beyond the things that outwardly attract us. A relationship where their self-esteem is bolstered too. And a relationship in which all of those feelings, and the mutual care they treat each other with, don't go poof the moment some other person walks into view.

Even people who are capable of such love, eventually give up, abandon, if what they seek is not returned, no matter the person's other assets, what they really desire goes beyond looks, wealth, fame, talent.

Those are my feelings anyway. Best wishes to you.

xdude

xdude

the point is

HPDs want to give you an unconditional love

than any other Nons do

we want it too we want to love you faithfully

but then you should help us to do it.

I don't understand if why men think

'I should be loved, because it's me. I am special.'

when we try so hard to get loved, they think it's just given to them naturally because it's 'them'

easy life of NONs.

yyy -

I don't entirely understand how those with HPD think/feel.

For a healthy NON, I believe that friendship, and love are not simply feelings, but actions over the long term. The strong feelings come later.

One of the reasons why the definition of HPD includes "believing relationships to be more intimate than they really are' is that a healthy NON doesn't feel friendship/love upon first meeting someone, nor the second, not necessarily for many weeks, months or longer of knowing someone. Acquaintances are just acquaintances. To see other as a friend, or even greater still, as a lover, takes time.

Friends/lovers are people they've come to trust because of how they're treated over long periods of time, and likewise, how they treat the other person. It's not an entitlement to have someone else' love us. Nor is love a gift that we dole out to others, because we're so special that they should feel lucky that we love them (another form of I'm special thinking).

Friendship/love is a two-way exchange in which both people are mutually benefiting from a care, concern, and interest in each other. Demonstrated by how they treat each other, not how they feel about each other. Because it's more than just a feeling, because their relationship is based on actions shown to each other over and over, the feelings are shown to have depth, to be something special, something that doesn't fall apart easily.

A healthy NON likely perceives an instant unconditional love as a fantasy, fragile, a dream in someone's head, quickly created, then just as quickly broken. Because emotions for others based on nothing, no real history, no commitment to each other, no building of trust, are just that. Emotions. Emotions based on no real history are easily blown this way or that, and so no matter how strongly they are felt, they are perceived as shallow.

I suppose I could try to explain my view a different way.

For all of us, including NONs, the only emotions we feel are our own. If we're empathetic, we can understand another person's emotions intellectually, maybe even sympathetically feel some of what they feel, but for the most part, the depth of another person's emotions belong to them, and have no magic power over anyone else. The only person who really feels the depth is the person who feels it, but others are for the most part only intimately experience their own feelings. I can give an analogy -

If you've ever seen someone with a broken bone after an accident, it may have invoked some sympathetic feelings within you. If it's someone you loved, maybe it even invoked intense pain to see them hurt, a fear you might lose them, and more.

If you've ever been someone with a broken bone after an accident, odds are you're mind was overwhelmed in agonizing pain. Perhaps so much pain you felt you were going to pass-out, or die. Thoughts of being incapacitated for the rest of your life may run through your head, and more. A pain others just don't feel.

We can understand others pain to some degree, but we really only feel the depth of our own.

What I'm saying is that the depth's of another person's emotions means less to most people than what really does effect them. The stability of another person's emotions towards them, and that stability is something that must be proven, demonstrated, but how they're treated over the long run. So yes, as someone with HPD you may feel greater depth of love when you feel it, but others show them love by how they treat them, over the long run, the depth of feeling comes later.

That all written, most of the NONs here are here because we've confused the two. Had such a strong desire to feel depth of love, that we put our blinders on, skipped over the part of the relationship where trust is built, and then no surprise, easy-come, easy-go. The depth of feeling is addictive, but you wrote it yourself...

"HPDs want to give you an unconditional love...but then you should help us to do it."

and their-in lies the problem. It turns out the love is conditional after-all. The person with HPD wants to love us unconditionally, under the conditions that the person with HPD wants.

The fantasy that was so quickly built, eventually collapses under what it was all along. Strong emotions, but emotions founded on fantasy idealizations rather than on anything substantial (e.g., commitment, reliability, trustworthiness, love that doesn't go on/off over any small disagreement, etc).

xdude

tell me the POINT

SIMPLE AND IMPRESSIVE

The person with HPD wants to love us unconditionally, under the conditions that the person with HPD wants. -> WHO DOESN'T?

TELL ME WHO???????????????????????????????????????????
Do you just want to love anyone even you don't want them?

and if you want to interact with HPDs

say in a SIMPLE AND IMPRESSIVE LANGUAGE WITHOUT MUCH DETAILS

Do you WANT or NOT WANT to interact with me?

you just want to write down your opinion in this forum as a record?

if you want some exchange

N O D E T A I L S PLEASE

yyy wrote:xdude

tell me the POINT

SIMPLE AND IMPRESSIVE

The person with HPD wants to love us unconditionally, under the conditions that the person with HPD wants. -> WHO DOESN'T?

TELL ME WHO???????????????????????????????????????????
Do you just want to love anyone even you don't want them?

and if you want to interact with HPDs

say in a SIMPLE AND IMPRESSIVE LANGUAGE WITHOUT MUCH DETAILS

Do you WANT or NOT WANT to interact with me?

you just want to write down your opinion in this forum as a record?

if you want some exchange

N O D E T A I L S PLEASE

oh my god! f*cking thankyou! why is it people just don't get this. seriously.

people make so much $#%^ up and think their emotions on the subject matter are f*cking valid or something.

it reminds me of lifting weights at the gym. not only do i have to do it, i have to do it with this form this tempo this do this when i'm finished be part of the group and at the end of it all.... my body looks exactly the same either way!!!!!

f*cking thankyou. i don't know who you are yyy... but i like you already.



... i can't just go the gym lift the damn weights and be done with it. it's like i just want a six pack what is the issue here? leave me alone with all this other crap about you and your social environment.

-- Wed Jan 04, 2012 12:15 am --

xdude wrote:"HPDs want to give you an unconditional love...but then you should help us to do it."

and their-in lies the problem. It turns out the love is conditional after-all. The person with HPD wants to love us unconditionally, under the conditions that the person with HPD wants.

The fantasy that was so quickly built, eventually collapses under what it was all along. Strong emotions, but emotions founded on fantasy idealizations rather than on anything substantial (e.g., commitment, reliability, trustworthiness, love that doesn't go on/off over any small disagreement, etc).

and who the heck are you to call us fake? when you said so yourself your love is CONDITIONAL RIGHT UPFRONT!!!

how the hell are you suppose to trust that? seriously???? COME ON!


"OH i'm only going to love you if you do X and X and X?" seriously? how "real" is that?

"but if you don't i won't love you!" ~ seriously??? you expect me to think "conditional love" is better?



get real.

-- Wed Jan 04, 2012 12:18 am --

xdude wrote:We can understand others pain to some degree, but we really only feel the depth of our own.

What I'm saying is that the depth's of another person's emotions means less to most people than what really does effect them. The stability of another person's emotions towards them, and that stability is something that must be proven, demonstrated, but how they're treated over the long run. So yes, as someone with HPD you may feel greater depth of love when you feel it, but others show them love by how they treat them, over the long run, the depth of feeling comes later.

That all written, most of the NONs here are here because we've confused the two. Had such a strong desire to feel depth of love, that we put our blinders on, skipped over the part of the relationship where trust is built, and then no surprise, easy-come, easy-go. The depth of feeling is addictive, but you wrote it yourself...

both of you guys want to know the truth? ~ your both disordered. both the nons and hpd's.

you just pick and choose who your going to love and who your not. and then love them strongly upfront and you never stop loving them.

it's not idealistic. it's just the truth. -> guess what, your going to get hurt either way. at least at the end of it you'll be able to respect yourself.


- Labor.

Thislabour, please keep a calm and respectful tone on the forum.

masquerade wrote:Thislabour, please keep a calm and respectful tone on the forum.

yea, my bad. i'll delete if you would like?

-- Wed Jan 04, 2012 12:32 am --

Please remember that while you might not agree with what other people say on here, both these users have been nothing but respectful to others in all of their postings, and they deserve the same level of respect from you. You can make your point without anger.

masquerade wrote:Please remember that while you might not agree with what other people say on here, both these users have been nothing but respectful to others in all of their postings, and they deserve the same level of respect from you. You can make your point without anger.

... i see you see my point.


... it is easy to make a point but with out a point of perspective people will not believe it if they do not have a "reason" for believing it. anger is a great and solid and "validfying" emotion that people use and makes other people think that they are right. exceptionally useful when you think people wont believe you if you don't use it.

btw, masquerade, it's nice to have a calm conversation. i haven't had one in a while. this almost looks like a conversation by example if i were prying eyes. *shrugs* wasn't my intent but i will take it.

- Labor.