Every action has a consequence

I have been thinking about life in general, my condition, my steps to recovery, my emotions, thoughts, feelings, ideas, fantasies, hopes, dreams and my actions.

I want to get better, to not react emotionally to every minor situation, to discover who I really am, to take responsibility for my actions, to not act on the first impulse, to see the area that lies between the either and the or, to be balanced, to be calm inside, to grow. Today I came to the conclusion that every idea and thought I have had, every impulse that I have acted upon, has placed me in the situation where I am today. I am responsible for my life. I am responsible for my decisions. I am accountable.

The mind games that I have played in the past have had consequences, some minor, some massive. Mind games and manipulation are actually violent. They cause mental distress. Mental distress causes breakdowns and suicide. To even fantasise about playing mind games is no different to fantasising about being physically violent. To be devious and to plot revenge, even when greatly wronged, even when the fantasies of revenge are not acted upon, is no different to being physically violent. I am not saying that I should allow myself to be treated badly and sit back and do nothing, in such situations the best thing would be to walk away from the person who is doing me wrong, and sever contact, and then to move on with my own life, seeking therapy for the pain if need be.

Every action in life has consequences and when people's feelings are involved, I have a responsibility for my actions. I have to own responsibility for my thoughts and feelings. I have had a rotten childhood, but I cannot excuse my actions today on the traumas of my past. I have a responsibility to seek therapy, which I am doing. I have a responsibility to my therapist and to myself to use that therapy constructively. I have a responsibility to myself. I have a responsibility for my actions towards others, but I am not responsible for others. They each have the right to their own opinions, thoughts, decisions and feelings. I am not superior or inferior but equal. I have a responsibility to learn to value myself, and to love myself and not expect others to be there to increase my self esteem. It has to come from within. I am answerable to myself and to my own developing conscience. I do not have the right to be a law onto myself. I share the planet I live on and the air that I breathe with other people. There are many injustices and attrocities in the world and I don't have the power to change that. I do have the power to change myself and in that small way I can create a better environment in my own little tiny corner of the planet that we all share. I can only do my best.

Masquerade, all I can say is WOW!

This should be made madatory reading for all HPD's that join the forum!! Awesome....even Non's can take something away from this too!

Well done, well thought out and very well written!!

You are such an asset to this forum and in helping others. Your story and experience I am sure, has to be the most inspiring of any HPD, that has every came through this forum. The progress and development you have made is staggering.

In time, you won't have to take so long to form your proper thoughts. Scarlett demonstatres this now. They seem to come more natural to her now. You will get there too.....

You have come along way!!

that was a beautiful post, masquerade. I guess I always knew that mind games were extremely hurtful to people, I just never equated it on par with physical violence. but I think you're right, it can be as harmful.

thank you for having the courage to post this.

Thank you for this. I'm new here and really needed this today. I'm so tired of feeling sorry for myself. I need to get a grip.