Ask for advice

I'm sure people here can help me with this.

My mother always search for a moment to humiliate me in company with others, for instance when there's a family party.
Usually she says: 'and then there came a girl, everybody so happy, a girl!' with a sneering tone.
Some others others laugh at me when she says that.
How a can I react to that? I know she wanted to threw herself from the stairs when she knew she was pregnant of me, and I can say something like: you've tried some harder to fall down the stairs!
But it's not nice, and I've been humiliated all my life by her so it's a serious trauma by now.
After such an event I need three days to recuperate.

I'm very curious about your advice!

Tell your Mom how it makes you feel and ask her to stop doing it. If she just brushes it off or if she does it again,state to her, you will be left with no choice but to avoid family gatherings, as you no longer enjoy them.

if she does it at other times, voice your displeasure and let her know how you feel. Also, if it continues, let her know that you no longer want to be around her anymore and why. If she only makes you sad or feel bad, time to leave the nest and avoid her.

Hope this helps and sorry to hear you are in this position.

OK

okherewego212 wrote:Tell your Mom how it makes you feel and ask her to stop doing it. If she just brushes it off or if she does it again,state to her, you will be left with no choice but to avoid family gatherings, as you no longer enjoy them.

if she does it at other times, voice your displeasure and let her know how you feel. Also, if it continues, let her know that you no longer want to be around her anymore and why. If she only makes you sad or feel bad, time to leave the nest and avoid her.

Hope this helps and sorry to hear you are in this position.

OK

Thanks. This afternoon I did a long EMDR-session with myself about this serious problem.
And now I think I can say the next time: 'Mother, is this really neccessary?' This was an earlier advice from someone at this forum for another problem but it's the same sort of thing. I think I have to talk to her like she is a little girl.

It wasn't until I had therapy that I realised that my parents often spoke to me in this manner too, and quite often the put downs would be disguised as humour. I think you would be perfectly justified to say to her in a calm and polite tone "When you talk to me in this way I find it very hurtful and unneccessary. I always try to be polite to you and respect you and would appreciate it if you would do the same to me." Say this in an assertive and adult manner, and do it IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. She has no qualms about humiliating you in front of people and is not polite to you, so do not let your politeness be used by her as a means of getting away with humiliating you. She actually has to earn your respect. Repeat this as often as neccessary and hopefully she will be shamed into realising that you do in fact deserve to be treated respectfully. My father used to treat me as a child even when I became an adult and had children of my own and would justify his remarks by saying "I can say that, I am your father". I never really though of an answer to that one, but if he was alive today and tried to humiliate me I would respond assertively by saying "Yes, and I am your adult daughter. I am not a child and I expect you to treat me with the same respect that I show you." If your mother does have HPD, she will be very concerned with her image, and saving face, and presenting a positive front for the people she is with and may actually back down if you show her respectfully and assertively that it is unacceptable to put you down. If she continues, repeat for as often as necessary, trying to remain calm. The moment you show that you are upset or lose your temper, she will have won.

Well said Masguerade...time for Run to express and standup for herself in a calm manner.

How old are you Run?

okherewego212 wrote:Well said Masguerade...time for Run to express and standup for herself in a calm manner.

How old are you Run?

49.
If I say I want to be treated in a respectful way, everybody begins laughing! Because for them - my mother, my brothers, my sisters in law - the way my mother act is humour! If I say: is this neccessary? - looking her deep in the eye - I think it will work.
I don't want to leave my family because I think all she does is abreact (is this the right word? Otherwise: she gives vent to the fact), on a unconscious way, the fact her own mother died when she was one year old.

But I keep in mind your advice about respectful behaviour, because in other surcumstances it can work. The word 'respect' is not often used in my family.
And she is indeed concerned with her image.

masquerade wrote: Say this in an assertive and adult manner, and do it IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. She has no qualms about humiliating you in front of people and is not polite to you, so do not let your politeness be used by her as a means of getting away with humiliating you.

I understand you completely.