Desperately Seeking Attention

This is a LONG Post, if you Don't want to read it ALL- just stick to the PINK parts- k?

I’m sorry, but I feel I have to make this post because I’m sick and tired of saying it a million times and trying to make people understand that my attention seeking habits/needs are not present on these boards. If you are one who believes my motives are here are souly (or largely/often) based on seeking attention and approval on these pscyhforum boards specifically, please continue to read the facts/debate I present to contrast your opinions.

Previously I made it no secret that I have profiles on other large dating sites, had my own website and even my own true fan clubs, (thusly named and promoted) all over the internet, so this should not to be ‘news’ to many reading this. My website is gone, I no longer sell porn, I quit dancing years ago and I’ve narrowed my attention seeking needs and sources to one website instead of the dozens I used in the past. I’m trying to keep a small fan base of 5000 (I had 6000 but when I went public on that site with my mental conditions, my current struggles and the fact that I’ll no longer be posting new videos and sexual blogs, I lost a few 100 fans; but gained some real support from many people that I never realized cared about ‘me’ not just my body/sex/etc...) So I have a source for attention, lots of attention of varied nature and degrees- correct?

Can you see that having 5000 people to stroke my ego, lick my wounds, tell me I’m wonderful and how beautiful/perfect I am is a decent enough size of Histrionic support and attention for one person? If I feel the need for MORE attention, it’s only a click and login away from opening up the other profiles on websites and getting MORE attention if I want it- do you see what I’m saying here?

I ALREADY HAVE MY ATTENTION SEEKING RESOURCES WELL ESTABLISHED AND ACTIVE IN OTHER AREAS OF THE INTERNET

I in fact get too much attention, which is why I picked my largest fan base and kept that one going, while allowing the others to remain dormant/un visited for the past year or so. I get attention everywhere I go (we all do as HPD’s it’s a natural occurrence whether we ‘want it’ or not, to get loads of attention) and sometimes the attention is negative and frustrating- this is what I’m finding here currently with everyone pointing our my need for attention on psychforums.com.

Guys I’m NOT doing it here! I have no need to do it here and it’s not happening here!
I am here seeking answers, information, open perspectives and insight into me and my disorders/their byproducts/etc...

I’ve realized I can say this until the cows come home and it makes no difference- you just don’t get it by words, so let’s have a look at what I seek when I seek attention vs what I value when I seek answers- shall we?

When I seek attention ONLINE these are the comments I look for and love to see:

• this girl is the best wish every women was like her if so they would rule the earth thanks for all the vids couldn’t look any better
• OMFG! Pam welcome back to Passion.com I MISS YOU alot
• Hey Doll, I have loved following your exploits on this site, and I am dying to be your next one. What's a fella gotta do to meet the legend?
• Happy anniversary this day should be celebrated as a yearly celebration to a beautiful woman who is the dream of every male for the delicious pleasure from the perfect sex machine.
• Your pictures are breathtaking, tasteful, classy and feminine. They are true evidence and depiction of your extreme open mindedness, mysterious intensity, devilish, mischievous burst of sensual playfulness.
The manner that you posed and move in your pictures and videos reveals the true ease and oneness of your body and your mind. Your magnificent pictures and video tells me that you are a broadminded lady who is totally in touch with your femininity , sexuality and you are very much aware of your body's sensitivity and receptiveness and permissiveness
I would love to have the privilege of honoring you as a woman as a friend. I would like you give me the opportunity to prove that I am worthy of your presence by allowing me to try and do everything in my power and skills to satisfy you needs while respecting your limits and assuring you 100% discretion to protect you privacy
• HOw I wish this woman would come in when I work and teach Massage Therapy man I would give her the best massage ever. I email her but I can see and understand alot of men do so. Babe I just wanted the opportunity to let you know that you are so stunnigly gorgeous wow and how I would give you anytype of massage you wanted as a Massage Therapist on one condition if you like the massage only if you like it you tip me with the Pleasure of enjoying you sexually....... deal......... Anyway waiting for you for real anytime

That’s only a small taste of the commentary I receive from guys on one part of my profile, on one website. There is literally 1000’s of more comments like this on all my videos, pictures, fanclubs and blogs.
Obviously everyone on here is NOT going to adore me, praise me, beg for my time and attention in this way and stroke my ego even to a small degree of this extent- correct?
What I look for here is MUCH different from what I get there.

I look for commonality, input, advice, information and understanding of MYSELF & MY DISORDERS.

The type of comments I seek ON THIS SITE:

• My therapist calls this a "locus of evaluation" and the aim is to change this locus of evaluation from being externalised to being internalised. She told me that "conditions of worth" are put upon the disordered person. These conditions of worth can come from parents, friends, partners and the disordered persons own expectations of herself. A condition of worth could be "If I had a man who would never leave me I would be happy and worthwhile". The fact is, that love does not come with guarantees. No one can guarantee a hundred per cent that their partner will not leave them, or die, or become brain damaged (like my poor friend) or become emotionally unavailable due to illness or depression. Nothing is certain. For a disordered person, this is very frightening. Our worlds have always been uncertain and insecure, and it is difficult to cope with the insecurity of a relationship. Also, no amount of captivation can guarantee that our partners will not leave, for we cannot control them. We can only control ourselves.
• BUT... to want to know why you have this paraphillias probably is not an HPD thing as it is you've dabbled so far into a darker sexual world than you even planned on in the beginning and then you got wrapped up in it, and got used to that, and it was hard for you to be turned on by "normal" LOVEMAKING. and face it Alice, what you describe in humilating your sexual partners and them toturing your breasts to the point of drawing blood, is NOT LOVE. There is NO LOVE IN THAT FACT of any of that. There is no love in porn or using porn to get your thrills. That is toxic and poisoning minds that people begin to confuse what IS and what they have SEEN. Then when they are in a relationship, they don't know what they should do and they focus on the porn and not the love they are supposed to have for their partner that is alive and in the flesh in front of them.
• He sounds tough, but that is what it will take. I would tell him you want to change and will stop blaming others, but need his help to figure out how to do that. Only you can change, is what he is saying, as you can't change other people or control the behavior of others or change your past. Only you can change. That is what it will take. Are you ready to do that? If not, he is wasting his time. Only you can change your own thoughts Alice and stop the blaming others. You are incharge of getting over it and stop the behavior as a result of it. It is you now and no one else. It is up to you to change,with his guidance. He will teach you to control your behavior, but he can't change the people in your life or change what happened in your past. First step is take control of you.
• You need to try to take stock before jumping in headlong into anything without first of all thinking things through carefully. Ask yourself, is he the kind of guy who will love you unconditionally? Does he have any understanding of your disorder? Is he a genuine, caring person? Is he likely to be faithful? If you decided to make a go of things, could you be totally faithfull to him - ie no contacting other men whether it is on the internet or face to face? Are you looking for a rescuer, someone to make you feel safe, cared for and validated? Would the self esteem issues that you have regarding the relationship with your father have an impact upon any relationship with this guy? Can you learn to love yourself unconditionally to the extent that you no longer have a need for attention? My advice would be to not rule out a relationship with this guy, but to take things very slowly, maybe to the extent of not having sex with him until you feel more adjusted and balanced. If you do love him, you owe it to yourself and to him to be prepared to take a chance on him, but to let your head rule your emotions and take things very very slowly, one tiny baby step at a time.
• Understand, but in time your self esteem will grow. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You will reclaim your innosense. I love the song Scarlett picked out for you. The men that took that way from you, were asshole bottom feeders, they did not love you and had no interest in you being thier mate.
• I believe what you were describing here was some rash posts, or rash responses to posts, or some intense interpersonal interactions, going on over the past few weeks? Still, there are things to learn from that however! Whenever you get emo over going over things in your own life be willing to study the "transference". (Including projecting, projecting & identifying) acting out, etc. You use all that to find threads that connect to deeper things inside yourself. Look at the above pattern and "feel around" that to see if any of it jibes with a longer time horizon than just a few weeks? Perhaps all the way back to youth, interactions with significant others, family members, etc. Ponder - I let my guard down...left myself susceptible to others...[became] overly vulnerable to my own emotions...[which resulted in]...my outbursts. Look for key relationships where a pattern can be found: guard down, too much, too fast, then susceptible to others; then, vulnerable to total loss of emotional control.

And so many more in depth truths, observations, opinions and eye openers for me.

Do you see the complete difference in the 2 types of commentaries here?
Do you see the way one is full praise and admiration, unconditional affection and worshiping of me, and the other is truth laden realities, things I could not figure out on my own, and these things only came when I offered up pieces of my puzzle to others for their investigation/interpretation?

The reality is that if I seek answers the only way I can get there is explain what the problem is- right?
How else can one receive input, without offering up the information that leads to the question and corresponding answer?

There is reasoning things out without the exploration of the reasons behind the situation. To understand something it must be examined (from many angels, not just one) and brought to question- right?

When I first came to this site I had a real picture of me posted and it caused many problems. People thought I was doing it to gain attention (in my own reasoning I was doing to show I was indeed a real person- I hate false avatars, but that’s just me) I took the picture down to stop ‘attention seeking’ and to end the negative attention it was gaining me.
People gave me a hard time about the images I was using on here to dress up posts, make people laugh, have some fun and even at times to through insults- I stopped doing that because people thought it was a ploy for attention...
I no longer joke around here and try to spread comic relief to make others feel befriended and at ease- that was something I also did on the advice of others to stop the ‘attention seeking behaviours and comments’ that went along with it.

BUT here’s the thing- I HAVE QUESTIONS! I SEEK ANSWERS! And much of that can NOT be explored and found without talking (typing) about it and stating the FACTS and/or BEHAVIOURS behind the question itself. In order to find answers we must know what the problem is! And I WILL NOT STOP ASKING MY QUESTIONS or SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS just because a few people think I’m looking for attention!

I HATE negative attention and I don’t want it- all I get here is a very true (negative to my ego) outlook on the WORST parts of me, my WORST BEHAVIOURS, most vulnerable moments and my most horrible truths- it’s NOT the kind of attention I WANT but it something I NEED to figure this stuff out.

If I were to go onto my other websites and present this stuff for others advice and input do you know what I’d get?
Support, understanding, compassion, admiration and my A*SS KISSED- not the TRUTH and informative tools I get here.

When I told my guys about the worst parts of me, the fact that I can’t interact with them the way I used to, because I don’t want them feeding into my attention needs and me to end up abusing them wrongfully for my own selfish needs. Basically I told them to run for the hills and stay away from me; I got support, understanding and welcomed into their hearts with open arms.

Comments like these:
• You are Perfect. God does NOT make mistakes, we do. All You have to do is Thank Him at any time for all You have. What is there to ask for ? If You are reading this, You could have alot less. Look around You, it could be much much worse. You are Beautiful, You are Young, You have made some mistake's, Nothing that can NOT be corrected. Look around You, it could be worse and will get worse for other's that do not realize what-so-ever who they really are. You realize and feel sssssoooo deeply the Truth within You, the Greatest part is now over. You are NOT sick, only poor Information
• Thank you for being as honest as you have ... while this is a journey you have to undertake on your own ... it is good to have heard of where you have been and where you are trying to get to in your life ... i applaud your bravery in showing this part of yourself ... nothing i can say can make anything easier on you ... nothing i can do can have any lasting or meaningful effect on the outcome of your journey ... but i wish you well ... i applaud the strength you show in trying to get things back to good for yourself ... and i send all my positive thoughts in your direction ... i truly hope you find peace within and for yourself ... while you will be greatly missed please please don't rush back on our accounts ... take all the time you need to make things more cohesive and unified ... we will be here if you so choose to make it back to us ... if not ... know that, at least on my part, i will have none but honestly admiring thoughts of a person who is doing what she must to overcome her trials and tribulations of her life ... if there is anything that this one can do for you i will do my best to ...
• You are in our thoughts and prayers. Please stay strong and hold on. We know you're a fighter and will get through this. It's just going to take time.
• I for one am glad to see you back on here. It doesn't matter that you may not be updating your photos or videos. The fact is that you are back and you are OK. I must say that I think that we were all a little heart broken and concerned when we read posts about you possibly taking your own life. I hope that I speak for everyone when I say that we are glad that you are safe, and we just hope for the best for you.
• Pam is alive!! Pam is alive!!! I never believed that you passed, maybe because I met you and I got to know you a little bit, and I always remember that fun we had, you smile and giggles always made me think that you were hiding somewhere. Pam, no matter how things are bad, remember that the sun always comes out. I'm soooooo happy that you decide to come back and let us know that you are on your feet at least. Hope you find your strength to go on............I always remember you sweety, keep your head up!!!! life is beautiful.

But this one is one of my favourites:

A FEW COMMENTS (BTW, IM USING ALL CAPS, NOT TO "YELL" AT YOU, BUT FRANKLY JUST TO AVOID SYNTAX ERRORS AND I PERSONALLY FIND IT EASIER TO READ.)

(1) NO, YOU ARE *NOT* ALONE. THIS IS CALLED "TERMINAL UNIQUENESS" WHERE PEOPLE SAY "NO ONE UNDERSTANDS, IM ALL ALONE, ETC...." YOU SAID IT BEFORE AA, YOU HAVE SAID IT BEFORE AND EACH TIME YOU WERE WRONG AND FOUND PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTOOD. SAME HERE. THE SWIMMING POOL MIGHT BE SMALLER, BUT THERE ARE PLENTY OF PEOPLE TO SWIM WITH. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. PERIOD

(2) THERE IS *NO SHAME* IN YOUR SITUATION. THIS IS LINKED TO THE UNIQUENESS, WHERE SINCE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE, YOU MUST HAVE BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF. IN A WORD PAM ? BULL $#%^. YOU DIDN'T ABUSE YOU AS A CHILD, YOU DIDN'T TURN A BLIND EYE TO THE ABUSE AND PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED (I'M USUALLY TALKING ABOUT A MOM HERE THAT DENY'S BF OR HUBBY IS ABUSING THE CHILD, NOT THE HIDING IN YOUR OWN MIND PART)

(3) THINGS LIKE THIS DO NOT HAPPEN IN A VACUUM. MEANING YOUR NOT ALONE, BUT ALSO THERE WERE PLENTY OF OTHER PEOPLE WHO EITHER DIRECTLY KNEW, OR HAD EXCELLENT REASON TO SUSPECT -- AND THEY STOOD BY AND DID NOTHING. YOUR ACTUAL ABUSER(S) AND THESE PEOPLE WHO *FAILED YOU* BY DOING NOTHING ARE THE ONES TO BLAME, NOT YOU.

(on a side note, this is EXACTLY WHY i always hate it when people say "It Takes All Kinds", again, BULL $#%^, NO IT DOES NOT take "ALL" kinds. it takes LOTS of kinds, but not All. We Do NOT "Need" Pedophiles and Abusers any more than we "Need" Serial Killers and Rapists. Frankly if I had my way, those people would be just taken out and shot)

SO: YOUR NOT ALONE
IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT
YOU DID NOT "BRING THIS ON YOURSELF"
(BTW, the people that try to tell you this pile of steaming poo are the ones who feel guilty for standing by and watching it happen and doing nothing. you can DEFINITELY Afford to Ignore their Ignorant Asses)

(4) AND YES, I KNOW YOU FOUND ONE PERSON AFTER ANOTHER IN YOUR LIFE WHO ABUSED YOU TIME AND TIME AGAIN -- AGAIN THIS IS **NOT** YOUR FAULT. YOU WERE PROGRAMMED TO DO THIS AS A CHILD. AS MESSED UP AS IT MAY SOUND CHILDREN ADAPT TO THEIR SURROUNDINGS. IF YOU WERE RAISED TO EAT MEATLOAF EVERY WEDNESDAY, YOU WILL EAT MEATLOAF EVERY WEDNESDAY BECAUSE THAT IS JUST WHAT IS *NORMAL* TO YOU. (PROGRAMMED FROM BIRTH) IF GETTING BEATEN EVERY TIME YOU PUT THE TOILET ROLL ON THE "WRONG" WAY WAS "NORMAL" THEN YOU EXPECT IT AS AN ADULT. SOMEWHERE DEEP INSIDE US WE GET PATTERNED TO MIMICK OUT PARENT OF SAME SEX AND TO SEEK OUT OUR PARENT OF OPPOSITE SEX. EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT GUYS WHO FIND A GILE "JUST LIKE MOM" AND GIRLS WHO GROW UP TO FIND A MAN "AS WONDERFUL AS THEIR FATHER" NO ONE THINKS THAT IS ODD, BUT IF YOUR PARENTS ARE NOT TV PARENTS AND INSTEAD ARE ###$ UP MESSES THEMSELVES ??? WELL YOU GROW UP ACTING LIKE ONE AND LOOKING FOR THE OTHER -- BIG SURPRISE YOU FOUND OTHER ABUSERS, YOU WERE PROGRAMMED TO. IT WAS "NORMAL" FOR YOU TO DO THAT, SO LEAVE THE SHAME BEHIND. JUST BEING AWARE OF THAT ISSUE CAN HELP YOU FIND BETTER PEOPLE. ITS MOST LIKELY THE GUY WHO THINK IS A "NICE GUY" BUT MAYBE A TAD VANILLA OR BORING FOR YOUR TASTE ?? TRY THAT GUY NEXT TIME. YOU WILL ROCK HIS WORLD AND HE MOST LIKELY WONT HURT YOURS.

(5) THE YEAR LONG WAITING LIST ? NOT TO BE INSENSITIVE, BUT "SO WHAT?" YOU MADE IT THIS FAR AND YOU SURE AS HECK DIDN'T GET ALL MESSED UP OVERNIGHT, SO ITS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE TO UNTIE ALL THOSE KNOTS. YOU HAVE A PRETTY DECENT SUPPORT GROUP HERE (GRANTED WE ARE MOSTLY PERVES, BUT WE ARE ALSO MOSTLY HARMLESS PERVES-LO SO YOU HAE AN OUTLET AND AN AUDIENCE, THEN YOU CAN FIND THE OTHER SUPPORT GROUPS ON THE INTERNET FOR PEOPLE WITH YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES. SURELY THESE TWO SOURCES OF OUTSIDE INTERACTION CAN TIDE YOU OVER FOR ONE YEAR SO YOU CAN GET INTO A PROGRAM AND GET BETTER. YOU HAVE ALREADY BEEN THRU MOST OF THE WORST STUFF. PICKING THE SCAB OFF THE TOP OF THE WOUND IS THE MOST PAINFUL PART. PUTTING HUMPTY DUMPTY BACK TOGETHER AGAIN IS EASY ONCE YOU GATHER UP ALL THE LITTLE PIECES.

(6) INTERNET DIAGNOSIS AND SELF STUDY - DIAGNOSIS: THESE ARE POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS. RESEARCHING YOURSELF IS THE WORST, YOU DON'T HAVE THE CREDENTIALS ARE HIGHLY CRITICAL OF YOURSELF (SO YOU WILL ATTRIBUTE GREAT SIGNIFICANCE TO MINOR THINGS AND DIAGNOSE YOURSELF WITH EVERYTHING FROM CANCER TO SCHIZOPHRENIA BEFORE YOUR DONE. DONT DO THAT TO YOURSELF. INTERNET DIAGNOSIS CAN BE JUST AS DANGEROUS. FIRST THERE ARE LOTS OF "PRETEND DOCTORS" OUT THERE THAT GET SOME SORT OF JOLLY PLAYING DOCTOR WITHOUT THE TRAINING, THEY CAN MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES AS YOU COULD AND EVEN REAL DOCTORS IF THEY DONT SEE YOU AND SIT DOWN WITH YOU SEVERAL TIMES JUST CANT TELL. THEY ARE BETTER FOR QUICK ANSWERS TO DIRECT QUESTIONS OR FOR MONITORING DISCUSSION GROUPS TO WEED OUT THE BAD INFO.

ALSO CLOSLY RELATED TO THIS IS YOU ARE BUILDING THIS LIST OF "EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG WITH PAM" AND IF IT IS A CASE OF "KNOW THYSELF" ITS GOOD, BUT IF IT IS A LIST OF "ALL THE REASONS I AM BROKEN AND A BAD PERSON"? THEN IT IS DESTRUCTIVE (BE CAREFU ADDITIONALLY MEDICINE KEEPS RE-DEFINING THINGS AND GIVING THEM NEW NAMES. (MANIC DEPRESSIVE) WAS THE OLD TERM, NOW THEY CALL IT (BI-POLAR) AND IN A FEW YEARS IM SURE WE WILL HAVE AN EVEN MORE WHIMSICAL NAME FOR IT. POINT BEING THIS "FRACTURED PERSONALITY" IS SOMETHING IVE NEVER HEARD OF BEFORE, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE ITS JUST A REHASHING OF STUFF YOU ALREADY HAD ON YOUR LIST. IM NOT SURE HOW MUCH WEIGHT I WOULD GIVE IT.

FRANKLY **ALL OF US** FEEL "FRACTURED" FROM TIME TO TIME, WHICH IS WHY IT IS UNFORTUNATE SOMEONE DECIDED TO USE THAT PARTICULAR NAME. ITS LIKE THOSE TV COMMERCIALS: "DO YOU EVER FEEL TIRED ? DO YOU SOMETIMES HAVE TROUBLE FALLING ASLEEP ? DO YOU SOMETIMES FEEL SAD AND CRY ? -- WELL THEN YOU HAVE THIS PROBLEM AND WE SELL A PILL, OR SOMETHING THAT'S GOING TO FIX YOU RIGHT UP" EVERYONE FEELS TIRED ONCE IN A WHILE, EVERYONE HAS TROUBLE FALLING ASLEEP FROM TIME TO TIME AND EVERYONE FEELS SAD ON OCCASION. THOSE ADDS ARE BS AND JUST TRYING TO HOOK IN AS MANY PEOPLE AS THEY CAN TO SELL THEM SOMETHING.

YOU ARE FEELING PARTICULARLY VULNERABLE RIGHT NOW AND ARE BEING HIGHLY CRITICAL OF YOURSELF (THE LIST) SO IF SOME GROUP HAS A PAGE THAT ASKS "ARE YOU ...." OR "DO YOU ...." THERE IS A REALLY GOOD CHANCE YOU WILL ANSWER YES TO EVERY ONE OF THOSE QUESTIONS. IT DOESNT MEAN YOU ACTUALLY HAVE THAT THING. IT JUST MEANS YOUR KIND OF LOST, LOOKING FOR ANSWERS AND DESPERATE TO FIND THE "WORD" THAT DESCRIBES WHO YOU AND WHAT YOU ARE.

I CAN GIVE YOU THAT ANSWER. YOU ARE "PAM" (PRETTY AWESOME MOMMA)

YOU ARE, WHO YOU ARE, AND YOU ARE THE SUM TOTAL OF YOUR LIFE'S EXPERIENCES. THOSE GROUPS CAN GET YOU CLOSE, ONCE YOU FIND THE CORRECT DIAGNOSIS (FROM THE ACTUAL DOCTOR) BUT THERE WILL BE WIDE DIFFERENCES EVEN WITHIN THE GROUP OF PEOPLE WITH THE SAME DIAGNOSIS.

IT HAS TAKEN YOU, YOUR ENTIRE LIFE TO GET THIS FAR (AND YOU MADE IT) THERE IS NO HUGE RUSH TO LABEL YOURSELF OR EVEN GET TREATMENT. GET IN THE LINE, WAIT YOUR TURN AND LET THE DOCTORS HELP YOU. UNTIL YOU GET IN, JUST BE THE BEST PAM YOU CAN BE. AVOID THOSE THINGS YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW BRING YOU HARM AND ENJOY SOME OF THE SIMPLE PLEASURES YOU HAVE. IF SOMEONE ABUSED YOU IN THE PAST, APOLOGIES MEAN NOTHING, AVOID THEM, AND STICK TO THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER HURT YOU. PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPORTIVE AND ACCEPT YOU, AND LOVE YOU, WITH ALL YOUR FAULTS.

YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON AND THE WORLD IS A BETTER PLACE WITH YOU IN IT.

HANG IN THERE BABY.

So when I went public about my disorders, yes I lost a lot of my fans who were only into me for sexual things, but I also gained a lot of REAL SUPPORT from those who see me deeper than that.

Do I need this place?
YES! But not for attention and stuff like that. This is what I need to you see and understand. It hurts me when you guys say I’m only looking for attention, I get angry, feel isolated/judged and misunderstood in a place where what I seek is understanding and information.

Perhaps it’s that my perception of attention seeking is greatly different from yours- I’m not sure?


The thing is, I’m not here for what you all deem ‘attention seeking’ purposes- I don’t need this place for that kind of thing. I already have a place (a source) where I can do no wrong and they will love/accept me no matter what! I don’t have to be sexual to BE held in their high regard anymore- they are willing to except me as I am, warts and all.

So PLEASE- STOP with the attention seeking comments- it really does make me feel bad about myself and being here sometimes.


I’d like to make a side note on my blog (the one that is linked through my psychforums blog) the reason it is there and set up as a link on my other blog (not yet used) is because for those who want to know the history of my behaviours and examine that aspect- it is a wealth of information (very sexual and graphic) for them to see where I’ve been and how I’ve behaved at various times in my life. You do not need to go there, and when you click the link to open the offsite blog, it specifically says that you must consent to the viewing/reading of adult material before you even reach the main page- that’s there for a reason & if you don’t like/want to read adult material- DO NOT ENTER! Again, it’s for informative purposes it is placed there, not for attention or anything of that nature.

I have greatly conformed my behaviours from the time I first joined this site until now- you must be able to see that. Please respect my right to ask questions and give information without the attention seeking comments you feel the need to throw out there all the time.

If you think I’m seeking attention at any time- fine, fair enough; but I’m asking you to keep it to yourselves (obviously I don’t agree with you nor am I about to have an epiphany of any kind that you’re right in your personal view of the matter) and if you can’t just drop the attention seeking attitude, I welcome you to place those speculations and comments on THIS THREAD, so that I don’t have to read it damn near every day on others.

Thank You!

You are not the only one who posts on here frequently - so do many others. Do they get accused of attention seeking? No. The fact is, that I can see a change in you since you first began posting and a desire for true changes. You have no real support system outside of this forum and it is okay to vent your feelings on here, for this is what the forum is for. I do not agree with everything that you say, and I am sure that you do not agree with everything that I say, but that does not matter. This forum is a place for you to learn about your disorder, for you to talk about your therapy, for you to talk about the things that trouble you, and in doing so, gain some kind of perspective on things. I know, that as you recover in your therapy, you will need the forum less and less, but I am sure that you will share aspects of your treatment with us, just as I have. There are many other people who read this forum, who do not post on here, but who can learn from the forum nevertheless. Who knows, maybe someone reading your words, or mine, or the words of Wisdom, or Searchfortruth, or Musician, or Orion - or anyone else may actually learn something.

HPD is a little known mental illness. People are familiar with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, or autism or tourettes. There is very little on the internet or in books on HPD and yet it is just as common as these other disorders, if not more so. Although the things on the forum may not always be medically accurate, a person can read first hand experiences of what it is like to either have the disorder or know someone who has it, and this can lessen their sense of isolation. This can also spur them on to seek a diagnosis if they think they have it, or treatment if this is what they need.

The list of criteria for BPD, HPD and NPD is somewhat vague and can apply to anyone who may have traits but is not disordered. It has only been through reading first hand experiences of other sufferers of the disorder and being able to identify myself in them, that I have been able to make some kind of sense of it all, and know that there is a reason behind my thought patterns and behaviours. I have also posted things where people have recognised their own selves in the things that I do, and this has given me feedback. It is all useful, and helps me to make some kind of sense of it all. Please continue to write and to share Alice. Just be careful that you do not become too hooked on the forum at the expense of forging friendships in the outside world, as you will as you heal.

There will always be people in life who have negative things to say, or criticisms and this forum reflects the real world. There are hierarchies on here, and politics, just as there are in the real world. I can get a sense of the people who write on here from the things they say in their posts and it is a reflection of their real personalities. No two people on here are the same, and no two disordered people on here are the same. Because it is just like the real world there will be people on here with their own agendas and if their own agenda in life is to attack others, then they will continue the behaviour here. There are also genuine people on here whose sole aim is to find solace and healing and these are the people who use the board for its proper purpose. As they themselves begin to heal, they will provide advice and support for others on here.

There is nothing wrong in itself with wanting attention. We all need atttention as human beings. It just becomes dangerous when the need for attention is all consuming and takes place constantly. When this happens, therapy can provide the answers as to why the person's self esteem is so low that they need constant approval. You are aware of this, and will begin therapy soon. Keep up with the fight Alice, for one day you will look back upon today and see how far you have come. Healing never has a final goal, it is always a process, and each day that you learn and vent and delve within, you are continuing the healing process.

Hey Alice, do your thing. There is healthy attention and there is unhealthy attention. You have the right to try to be a healthier person the way I see it. You are researching, analyzing, reading and writing yourself to death trying to understand yourself and why you do the things you do. Don't pay no mind to those people. If I see a post I don't like or know better than to get involved then I don't and they should do the same. Good luck to ya! Jean

And so many more in depth truths, observations, opinions and eye openers for me.

Do you see the complete difference in the 2 types of commentaries here?
Do you see the way one is full praise and admiration, unconditional affection and worshiping of me, and the other is truth laden realities, things I could not figure out on my own, and these things only came when I offered up pieces of my puzzle to others for their investigation/interpretation?

The reality is that if I seek answers the only way I can get there is explain what the problem is- right?
How else can one receive input, without offering up the information that leads to the question and corresponding answer?

*sits and watches...*

And now you know what love is.

- Labor.

No amount of attention is ever enough for HPD's. At least that is what I can say in reply to your long post. But the best thing is you are writing and that is helping everyone here. So keep writing Alice.

LMAO.

I assume Alice was just trying to be funny by posting a really long multi colorful bolded letter post to a thread about an HPD not seeking attention on here?

Happy you used one of my posts about change and no excuses in your opening post though, Alice.

What ever makes you happy Alice. Good attention is better than bad.

Look forward to hearing about your next therapy session. Don't be late!!! Doctors orders!

My best..OK

Alice -

A point to ponder:

I used to manipulate people. And then to take care that I don't come across as manipulative, try and cover my tracks , which ended up being even more manipulative. It was a cycle, one thing leading to another, and many a times it was done merely to get people to think I am like them, and not completely deliberately. I realized later that since I didn't accept myself fully, I thought people wouldn't either, and so I manipulated the image I wanted people to see of me. So, the way I broke out of that cycle was to just accept myself, the way I am, with all my dark sides Now, i realize, I come across to the people around me as less manipulative, because I don't try so hard.

My question to you is - why are you trying so hard to prove you don't seek attention? and in that process actually ending up seeking even more attention, even though that may not be your intention. Is it this anxiety that you are not being perceived the way you want people to? If so, why do you want to try so hard to get people to perceive you the way you want them to? Let go People perceiving you in a way that you don't want them to, is not going to change anything - not the world, not you, neither them.

Give people the permission to think of you in whatever way they like - both good and bad. Give yourself the permission to live without anxiety. It will cause you lesser fatigue, and lesser headaches and more freedom

I know, its easier said than done, when you have that anxiety in you to be accepted the way you want them to, probably the need to be liked and loved since long ago, possibly childhood. But you can start some day as an adult, and maybe today is when you should start that. Discover yourself, and work on yourself - don't worry about people. Let people discover you themselves.

Well put Search,

Eventually she will learn about her munipulative flawed thinking. Hopefully.

This post she made really points out how the disorder effects people. They understand, but yet they don't. Or just do it to munipulate. Most normal people would not understand this way of thinking.

I am interesrted in a comment from Wisdom. Doubt he will. Not much of guy for pointing out BS,

Alice I do believe you will get better, and will. I see that. Honestly. It will take time to work it out. But yes, at this point Alice you are not thinking straight. You are not cured yet.

Get pissed at me for pointing out, but, your post says alot about the disorder, and to be quite honest more attention than it deserved. I will not post to it again.Go get attention elsewhere or on your fan club blog.

Up to you, to learn and listen to your therapist. Hopefully you will. As this was a pile of crap and those that get sucked into it need to see that your sitting back basking in your glory of attention got..

My opinion, If you want to do Alice some good, don't post to this thread anymore. Pile of Crap!!

OK

Thanks to everyone who gets what I'm saying here and to those who don't- fine

I'm not gonna make a long speach to prove this fact again, I know what my motives here are- I seek answers to understand myself and my disorders...

It bothers me when you constantly point out the attion bull sh*t and I'm asking you nicely to please stop saying it, whether you do or not is your own choice- but I'm simply letting you know it bothers me and makes me feel greatly misunderstood and frustrated.

I can not control your behaviours any more than you can control mine...