Do HPD's really love?

@lookingtoheal: wow, you are most definitely not a cheap used car. It's simply the analogy used to show how people with personality disorders may view their significant others...not a true reflection of your value and worth.

I had to really learn that after that breakup...I felt absolutely worthless, like no one could or would ever love me. to regain my sanity I had to realize it was not due to my intrinsic worth that he made that choice, he made that choice because of who he is and where he's at. Same with you. Relationship with someone with personality issues can really make you question your self-worth, but it's not the reality.

And as for understanding your vulnerabilities and seeking to heal...100%. That's what this relationship did for me. Before, I thought I just fell for the wrong guys...this relationship was painful enough that it made me start looking at myself and recognizing the wounds and the issues from my past that left me vulnerable to people who would not love me or treat me well, and unable to judge character well. (Good resources I found in this area were the Cloud/Townsend books and a book called Love Is A Choice by Hemfelt, Minirth, and Meier). God willing, I will never get into a relationship like that again. However, though it left significant damage, it was also the catalyst for significant healing. I'm grateful, although I wish it hadn't taken that, but sometimes I can be pretty dense

I believe now that HPDs do love. They don't love all of you though. My HPD friend is going into her 4th marriage next month. She doesn't love him although she says she does. I can tell this by comparing the way she still talks about husband #3 that she divorced a few months ago. She's still very much in love with him and I suspect always will be. But husband #3 along with two before him, let her down.

That's the crux of HPD: It's all about love. She loves--she loves very deeply. And she is looking for love at all cost. But deep down she knows she will be disappointed. Her father would show her love and then take it away. She is in this push and pull pattern with everything in her life now. She put husband 3 through rigorous push and pull tests to see if he really loved her. It exasperated his own personal demons with abandonment and he finally left her. And her self fulfilling prophecy was realized. She is not worthy of love.

She's not capable of seeing it through his side. When he finally left because he couldn't take it anymore, she could only see it as inevitable rejection. She tells everyone that he didn't love her and the fact that he left proves it. (He did in fact love her)

She is marrying #4 as a means to an end. But she is still testing his love for her, and has already laid the ground work for his future devaluing when he inevitably rejects her (in her mind). I know already what the story will be. It's like seeing his gravestone before he's dead.

HPD = Quest for Love + inevitable rejection (their side of the story only) My friend is the appeasing type btw.

But I know a colder HPD and her tests are the same--but harsher and she gives the minimal. "Do people really love me or will I be rejected" And she will test and test until she is rejected (because her subject couldn't get what they needed out of the relationship and left her). And then she gets to be right. She never sees how her constant testing kills her relationships.

So it's really is them, and not you.

Try to forgive your HPD by understanding where they're coming from. And try to recognize why you gave to them what you couldn't give to yourself.

I like the image of love. But I've never felt that someone is as important as the dominant conception of love implies. For me, love is game, or a power play. It is all about me, and if you do not like it you can leave. But if you stay, it will not be boring I can assure you

crystal_richardson_ wrote:I like the image of love. But I've never felt that someone is as important as the dominant conception of love implies. For me, love is game, or a power play. It is all about me, and if you do not like it you can leave. But if you stay, it will not be boring I can assure you

When I read this I have to admit to being turned on...still have that itch; those memories of a vaguely dangerous thrilling yet passionate affair...my submerged NPD, maybe even ASPD traits, starting to glow like embers in the ashes of an old campfire, fanned by the wind.

But I think I'll compromise instead, and on the way home today relive the memories through my car's CD player:

The Ohio Players. "Love Rollacoasta du du dudududududu du du du du dududu..."

Thanx Crystal no disrespect

I saw someone ask what HPD feelings feel like. I always feel like my feelings are ten times stronger than others. When I feel pain I really feel pain. Miserable torturous pain. Jealously I've learned to hide over the years. Most of the reactions of HPD are created through fear. One thing I've learned over the past few years is to fight those feelings the best I can. I try to separate the thought that's creating the feeling from the reaction. All very difficult to control. I've also learned to ask the man in my life directly if their needs are being met. When people can be direct with me it helps immensely. Of course though this is very difficult for most people to do. I also make a conscience note not to steal the show by over doing anything. I chose clothe with appropriateness in mind, make an effort to not interrupt others while they are talking ( a work in progress) and I ask my partner if they are happy and if their needs are being met. I don't make as much eye contact with others and often look to the ground or away several times during conversation so no one thinks I "want" them. I leave the house without makeup and and not ashamed of how I look. My self respect has grown enough to say no to neon used and hurt and yes to being with someone that is more emotionally available than the normal unemotional men I always chose in the past. I dunno I feel like I still mess up all the time but also I have come a very long way. Still like attention. That ones hard to get rid of but I feel like of attention is appropriate then it's ok. Someone mentioned therapy doesn't work. Therapy works. You have to believe in it or it won't. Just like a relationship or anything else. There is existential therapy (we are all going to die so spend your measly amount of time on Earth doing something meaningful like growin or loving) there is Gestalt and reality therapies ---similar to the first. There are 3 or four kinds of Cognitive therapies belief=thought=reaction. There are "talk" therapies like Ellis and Freud find out what your subconscious is telling you. Past=present ect. They all help. Whoever wrote that post about there bein little to no help for PD or HPD doesn't really know anything about psychology or hope or empathy for those that need help. I hope everyone is well. I still read on here a ton. Just been learning to be and to love myself. I can't be concerned with the title right now. Also whoever said that HPD isn't normal or can't be normal...that is kinda abusive. Thinking your not normal or not like others is a symptom to be cured not a set in stone fact. Besides no one is really normal these days anyways so I guess abnormal is the new normal.. Jean

crystal_richardson_ wrote:I like the image of love. But I've never felt that someone is as important as the dominant conception of love implies. For me, love is game, or a power play. It is all about me, and if you do not like it you can leave. But if you stay, it will not be boring I can assure you

I like this quote!

I don't know how many times I used those 3 words, having no clue what they really mean and it was always about me, what I could get and what my satisfaction was. If it wasn't reciprocated I went into a horrendous depression doing anything I could to try and manipulate that person back just to start the cycle all over again including of course suicide. Or, I would want try and simply find someone better and toss a person out once the words were used and they were used quickly by me. I guess for me I really never wanted it or ever understood it but it made me feel valued, once got it I went back into the shell because I had no clue what to do with it and couldn't be with someone for long anyway before "crazies" (said in fun) came out. Much of the problem years ago was that I wanted to know how it felt because emotions were not something I knew of. So, over and over I was with guy after guy manipulating him for my benefit, finding the intimacy I approved of, dumping, depression, or just said screw it and moved on. For me, I know one of the biggest issues is where is the empathy? No clue (also I have a hard time putting thoughts together and not repeating, please forgive that it will be seen all the time when commenting or asking things)

Questioning Life, just the fact that you describe "the things you USED to do" is a great sign for change. Makes me smile!

goodbyenormajean wrote:Questioning Life, just the fact that you describe "the things you USED to do" is a great sign for change. Makes me smile!

11 years ago I got married. It is certainly not your conventional marriage but we are still together. This is why I said "used to do".. problem is I have done things during this marriage and really didn't care how he would feel. Not sure I feel guilty about it either, something I wanted, needed and said good bye to. Many of the older patterns still exist in the marriage but he is a saint in that he puts up with me. But.. again... very strange unconventional relationship for sure

Nothing is more empowering then seeing him squirm in pain, and there are no words to describe the moment when he finally protects himself, and stops caring, and doesn't matter anymore whatever she does.

xdude wrote:Nothing is more empowering then seeing him squirm in pain, and there are no words to describe the moment when he finally protects himself, and stops caring, and doesn't matter anymore whatever she does.

yeah, got that right.