Finally cut loose xHPDGF

Finally got cut loose from my situation with my xHPDGF.

Ultimately during one of our “disputes” I pulled a “her”. Instead of seeming overly invested in the discussion and filling my argument with emotion, I simply detached myself while expressing clinical concern and understanding for her position. I kept my voice very quiet and relaxed. When she would call me selfish, I simply agreed and told her that I am human and this is something I need to work on and I’m willing to keep working on.
With this, her volume went up as she suddenly spewed that I’m not understanding her and that I’m not supporting her and making her feel safe. Mind you, keeping this in perspective. This is response to me shooting her a text asking when her and I might be able to sit down and reassess our relationship.

Ultimately, she went NC on me to punish me for taking back control of our argument. Whenever I would act like most couples…”…baby, I feel that…” and so on I would basically get called needy and pounced on. When I flipped the script and started acting like I was a therapist interacting with a client that has a problem (that’s not mine), she became inflamed and basically shut down on me. This is when I realized we were in a Power Struggle…nothing more or less. With a normal partner I would seek equilibrium, but with her and all of our past struggles and demands for me to change (into her pet), there was no way I could balance this.
At one point when I was attempting to placate her while paying my two-hour “apology tax”…she asked me if I was willing to become a p&*ssy…because that’s what I would have to become in order to be the man she wanted to be with. Little did I know at the time that she was being literal in her expression, but I now realize that she was being very specific…and yes, that’s exactly what she wanted (in order to control me). I’m 5’9”, weigh 200 lbs and I’m very athletic…get the picture?? She wanted to own my soul.

Conclusion:

I figured out that she hates arguing with someone who mirrors her tactics. So, when healthy couples will wear their feelings on their sleeve during a disagreement or spat, and communicate to resolve issues, she goes “therapist” on me and makes it look like she’s in control of her emotions and feelings. I did the same and she went absolutely cold on me…I dumped her for good. When she went NC on me, I think she was punishing me for taking control of the last discussion and not being an emotional creature.
I’m thinking this last attempt to cut my ties has finally worked.

I’ve employed the following TTPs (Tactics, Techniques, and Procedures):

-In arguments…detach, treat him/her like they are a patient. Treat them with respect, but remain distant from their problems.

-If you wanna see where you stand with him/her…become passive for a couple arguments. Allow your partner to have “power” to see if they will help you or kick you when you express your feelings about an issue. Mine destroyed me and did whatever she could to highlight my neediness. I was simply asking why she was being distant one day…odd how it turned into what it ended up as.

-When I broke up with her, I shot her an email outlining the drama so she could see for herself and also know that I’ve been fully aware of the craziness

-Told her about this forum (so she can read all the stories that mirrored our relationship). I figured this would threaten her ego and force her to hate me and seek a more naïve source.

Thanks for all the advice on this site.

Indifference is good.

I am not so sure inviting her to the forum was though. Just because of negative reactions I saw based the experiences of past people that did that on here. Not good.

Hopefully that doesn't happen to you.

My girlfriend ending up doing this with me, drove me nuts. Eventually I started calling her and saying sorry and this went on for months. Then eventually she stopped answering and broke up with me and wouldn't take my calls. It worked, but drove me nuts.

jameshpd wrote:My girlfriend ending up doing this with me, drove me nuts. Eventually I started calling her and saying sorry and this went on for months. Then eventually she stopped answering and broke up with me and wouldn't take my calls. It worked, but drove me nuts.

Damn James...sorry to hear that. Yeah, I have no intent to return the wonderful favors she gave to me. I agree with the poster above yours...maybe it wasn't a good idea to throw her the links. I thought it might help, but realistically it will not.

I'm finally in a good place (peace).

Thanks

connfused and hurt 2 wrote:Indifference is good.

I am not so sure inviting her to the forum was though. Just because of negative reactions I saw based the experiences of past people that did that on here. Not good.

Hopefully that doesn't happen to you.

Yeah, I don't plan on communicating with her anymore. The last time we broke up I initiated NC...but weakened and replied to her communication. This time around I was a little more creative and I believe she will maintain NC as well. In fact, I had to embellish a little to convince her I was not a good source anymore. Part of me doubts she'll ever come out to the forum.

Once while we were discussing personality disorders, her response was that "we all display some portion of these traits, therefore PD's are not very viable".

Thanks

well she was right about the last part... I would agree with her that we all do display some of these traits to varying degrees.

so anyways, I asked earlier on some thread about normal relationships are like. so in normal relationships you guys actually do wear your emotions on your sleves and work out your arguements? - seriously. explain to me how that works.

Mist
It works Mist, because we actually care about the other person and want to keep them around.

To do that, we have to work at all our relationships, if we want to keep them. Thus solve arguements. Why, because we care about them and enjoy them most of the time.

Tekhed

Forget her now. No need for games, when you go no contact.

Let her go and never respond to her again.

If unavoidable, then indifference.

Probably not something you didn't already know! lol

mistaben wrote:well she was right about the last part... I would agree with her that we all do display some of these traits to varying degrees.

so anyways, I asked earlier on some thread about normal relationships are like. so in normal relationships you guys actually do wear your emotions on your sleves and work out your arguements? - seriously. explain to me how that works.

Just as mentioned, it usually works because both parties care. As a result, both people take responsibility at some point and accept their portion of the blame for any problems that arise. With my HPDX, it was always my fault. Sometimes I really didn't do anything at all or say anything upsetting, but somehow it would be misconstrued as such. Once, I mentioned that I felt like I was being attacked. This was figurative and it was during a discussion. This caused her to erupt on me. This was on my final day of a visit while I was cooking her breakfast no less. So, you can be in the middle of doing something endearing and simply voice a concern or feeling and it will be translated into something completely different.

Generally speaking, in past relationships a break-up was usually the result of some catastrophic event. This actually only happened once in my life. With my HPDX, there were multiple break-ups (initiated on my part) as I began to realize I was being chipped away at and there was never an apology (or at least a real one).

For example:
After being with her for only a few short weeks I simply added it all up to we were both in different phases of life and needed time to sort out our own issues (she did/does). My life was fairly boring before meeting her...I like it that way (now). Something seemed really off about her. It was almost like something was skipping or a frame had been removed from a movie, but it wasn't obvious.

Whenever we had issues it was usually my fault and my problem. Example: After only 8 weeks of serious relationship we had both fallen for one another and she was going to move to where I was. She didn't have a job at the time, and we had known each other for about 4 years, so it wasn't too far fetched. Within a week of that decision, I received an email with a few links. Some of them were for real estate in the local area and some of them were for her daughter's education. The real estate was about $1k more a month than what I currently pay and the education was for the Montessori School system (private school).

I do make decent dosh...however, I am a single 37-year old bachelor that has my fair share of debt and toys that I probably need to pair down before entering into bigger obligations (something I was prepared to do after discussing a budget). I had never heard of the Montessori schools, so I did some research before talking to her about it. After realizing that these schools realistically cost about $1200/month USD, I sort of got pissed off. When I called her I was calm although she could tell I was not really feeling sending her 3-year old to one of these the minute they arrived where I was.

I attempted to talk to her and look at alternatives until we had gotten on our feet as a couple, and even then possibly just see where her career goes and wait for my inevitable promotion next year. She heard none of this. She became very emotional and felt that I was threatening her daughter's future education. That because it was not my daughter I could not possibly want the best for her. Of course I became inflamed at this point and disrespected that this woman would assume I could and would afford private school for her daughter...we weren't even married and had never talked about any of this.

By the end of the evening, exhausted and simply wanting to resolve our differences, I was the one apologizing for not understanding her side. I do not have children of my own, and so this fact was often used against me to prove my ignorance. I'm an employee of a very small population of planet earth that requires a high level of analysis and critical thinking...i.e., I'm not stupid, so what I thought seemed logical was turned against me.

The argument was nasty and damaging. There was no name calling, but tons of manipulation, and it was made apparent that I was very selfish and "rigid". I was told that perhaps I was too old to change and that I was set in my ways. She said she thought I was progressive and something different, but in the end she felt she was wrong about me. See what I mean? Nothing necessarily to point at and say, "Wow, this woman is evil", but a very subtle gnawing away at the ego.

Okay...my point. In a normal relationship the private school thing MAY (only an example) have come up, but simply as "Honey, one of these days I would like to sit down face to face and talk about my daughter's education and when/if we will be able to afford it." In a toxic relationship, the other half assumes it will be okay, because it's all part of their little dream world. Everything is idealized, and so everything in that ideal must fit together or else there will be hell to pay. In fact, I mentioned that little quote/example of how it would go in a normal relationship...I was then told I was manipulative and controlling.

So issues that could be discussed and compromises made (meeting in the middle) usually polarize really quickly.

connfused and hurt 2 wrote:Mist
It works Mist, because we actually care about the other person and want to keep them around.

To do that, we have to work at all our relationships, if we want to keep them. Thus solve arguements. Why, because we care about them and enjoy them most of the time.

Tekhed

Forget her now. No need for games, when you go no contact.

Let her go and never respond to her again.

If unavoidable, then indifference.

Probably not something you didn't already know! lol

No, you're absolutely right! I have resolved to moving on with my life and have been visiting this site to fully understand the range of emotions and experiences I have had in only 70 days of actual relationship. Talk about confusion! I've dated other women where we had to go our separate ways based on circumstances and career. I still talk to these people periodically, as I know they are good and normal. In only a few months I felt like I had been in the vortex for a couple years.

I'm good to go...and this forum has really done a lot to help me understand what I was up against and what to look for in the future.

Thanks

Tekhed wrote: I'm an employee of a very small population of planet earth that requires a high level of analysis and critical thinking...i.e., I'm not stupid, so what I thought seemed logical was turned against me.

This made me laugh. I hope you're not inferring that people with PDs are unintelligent. It is like any other population of people. Some are stupid, most are of normal intelligence, and some are very intelligent.

Myself, I'm highly analytical and use critical thinking daily in my work and personal life. Don't be fooled though by her appearance of unintelligence. She may truly not be smart, or she may be playing you. It can be rather fun to mess with your head. She still "wins" if she gets your reaction whether it be good or bad.