Small Break Down- Leads to HUGE Break Threw!!!

So, going back to the night we first met- there was a definite connection there between us in that room, I don't think either of us can deny that- but why? Why was the connection there? What was it we felt? I can't speak for you of course, but in my own searching I think I figured it out. It wasn't just your 'talents' yes watching you make Kathy squirt was fun to watch and very intruiging to me sexually, but there was still something more, something beyond the visual stimmulous- you were the most confident, powerful man in the room. The women you brought would bend to your will and they addored you, much like men have always bended to me and my will and set me on a pedistle. Your lust was unmatched and you kink quite evident, especially after we had interacted in the group for a while prior to our meeting in the flesh. I saw a few things in you that night. Yes I saw your 'talent' and it was appealing, but I saw a piece of me in there too; you where like me with a c*ck- sexually deviant and lustfilled to the core, you were a perfect replacement for my past focus of lust 'Niel' who lived out in LA (It was Neil who set about my sexual revolution and let loose the fukcdoll in me after so many years of not understanding myself and my sexual nature) I saw in you a sexual beast that I wanted for my own, and I decided that night you would be my baby sitter after Cal left, because I had found new lust in you and something I longed for with Niel but we could never experience in life, because of the distance. I actually called Neil and told him I found you after the party. If you remember he was supposed to call and listen to me getting ###$ that night, but he was busy with work and in the office until much later. Although Niel and I stayed in contact for a few more weeks after the party, I was able to let him go because I had found the physical posibility of having what I had with him- in you.

Things eveloved from the party. I told you about the _____________, something I've still not told a soul, except you (and my doctor of course) why I told you that? I'm still not entirely sure. I think I had to tell someone because it was killing me to hold the secret alone, and you were there- I trusted you and I told you. That grew my bond to you even deeper. Sharing such a secret and giving you such trust. You kept my secret and that made it all the more bonding- you could be trusted, and you cared about me- genuinely cared about me and that's something I had lost in my life, was affraid to have, but secretly longed for like nothing I'd ever known. I so desprately wanted to be loved. We had built a friendship and a sexual something, but I was so affraid of love (even though I wanted it) that I was very unsure what to do about it. I thought we could just remain friends and have sex, see where it would go over time and keep that steady pace; but you said you couldn't do that. You had to have me for your own or not at all- I should have left then, I should have taken what ever we shared and just let you go, but I wanted you too much and I wasn't gonna loose such a good friend, a trusted companion, my replica of Niel and in turn, my chance to have with you what I wanted to have with him.

I told you I was scared. I told you I wasn't ready for a relationship. I didn't even have a year clean from my addictions (cocaine and alcohol) and it wasn't safe for me to be in a relationship yet. I had only just found out about my personality disorders weeks before the party, so I didn't realize how much they played a part in my life or just what it all meant at that point- but I did know I shouldn't try to love again. You said you would leave if I didn't give myself to you and open my heart to you- I cared for you so much. Not just about the fact that you were a clone of Niel and me with a c*ck, but the trust that we shared and the connection between us had grown into something more than I thought it ever would- I had to keep you; even if it meant loosing myself in the process- I wasn't gonna let you go NO MATTER WHAT!

You know I'd never been in an open relationshp before, so I was unaware as how to this all worked. Do we f*ck who ever and just love eachother? Do I tell you I want to f*ck someone and you say yes or no? (something that Neil and I had done due to our distance) The terms as to the openess and rules of our commitment weren't clearly defined and this caused us a lot of trouble as a couple, I think you know how that all went down...
I faught my feelings for you whole heartedly! I didn't want to love you, but no matter what I couldn't stop it from happeneing. I struggled with that for the first year we were together off and on. I didn't want to love you, you were so far away and I never got to see you, it was so hard to develope what we had due to the distance and your oh so busy schedule. I couldn't understand why you would want to keep me and not even use me, come to see me, and be with me- it didn't make sense to me why you wanted to keep me pent up at hime while you went out and lived your life without me.
I felt neglected and used- I think you know that though.

You had gone from being like Niel (my real life fantasy man and the embodyment of my most secret desires), to being like Alex (My son's father, with whom I had spent 10 years with in the most discrutive, abusive and mutually obessesive relationship of my life- this was BAD) Alex too wanted to have me and keep me for his own, but he couldn't or wouldn't make the effort to revelope a real loving relationship- he just had me, loved me and thought that was enough. You seemed to think the same thing, that labelling me as your girlfriend was enough to keep me happy. But I needed time and attention, intimacy and laughter, and while Alex was able to provide me those privately- he couldn't do it publically so well as the years passed (at first yeah, but 7 years into it- it all stopped) you where becomeing just like him in my eyes, and I hated that! I didn't want to be hidden from the world; your world, and I didn't want to be spending lonely nights alone at home all the time either. I wasn't doing well with that and I started to see you not as an accesory to my life (as healthy relationships are supposed be) but an impedament to it, and stopping me from living the life I wanted and deserved to have at that time.

Remember here too, I had only left Jay the year prior, and spent most of that first year all coked up; unable to think, feel or carry on with my life- so in essence this was kinda my first year of true freedom after the separation; so I had gone from a loveless destructive marriage into a loveless dud of a relationship- I was gonna fight this for all I was worth to make you see that I deserved better than what you were giving me.

I started doing things just to gain your attention, just have you answer me because you never responded to my messages anymore. I loved you and I wanted you to show your love for me, but you never did and that was so painful and loney- it hurt me so bad. You had become not like Alex, who at least would show me his love privately and often; you had become like my father who never showed me anything but indifference and rudeness. Always critizing and finding fault in everything I do, never praising my achievements, but always pointing out every worng or short coming- you called me names: stupid, retard, looser, fat, ugly, slut, moron, and so many other names- my father used to call me stupid and fat all the time, so those were insults I just couldn't take, and I think I may have told you that too- not sure?

I had fallen in love with you somehow, and through the process of the evolution of decay in our relationship, you shown yourself to be like so many of the men I held dear in my life:

Like Niel you brought out my sexual freedoms and desires in life,
Like Alex you loved me and didn't want to see me with another man, yet you couldn't figure out how to keep me happy with you alone.
Like my father I longed so desperately for your love and approval but you gave nothing but insults and pointed out my short comings, even when the world would tell me differently, you always knew best and I beleived what you said whole heartly.
(to this day I don't beleive I'm a good writer even though I have great evidence to the contrary- I think I'm a terrible scribe, souly based on the fact that you cut me up so often about my short comings in this area- it was a terrible thing to do, because although I know I'm good writer you stole all my confidence in something that brings me such comfort and joy. Your words pierced me deeply and they will scar my mind forever- much like the words of my father have scared me for life)
Like my brother you had injured me deeply, but despite the fact that I was torn up inside about you and all the things you said to cut me down, I wanted you in my life. Because like my brother and my father- you too can do no wrong and no matter what you do to me I love you, because my love for you is like my love for them- unconditional. Though I get angry and strike out at you for hurting me, I always love you deep down inside.

During the break up over the sumer where you threatened to shoot me and my date outside of a club, you had become again like Alex and all the other guys who wanted to keep me for their own. Even though we were broken up, you didn't want to see me with another man, I knew it was because you cared for me/loved me perhaps, but still the poison in our relationship was seaping into our open wounds, killing our love and turning it in to something vile and dangerous!

I shouldn't haved come back to you after that. I shouldn't have even wanted you again, and I should have known that much like my realtionship with Alex, this had turned into something truly unhealthy and distructive to us both. But like Alex, I knew I loved you, and all I wanted was everything between us to work out so we could finally be happy and live a life of love together forever... I had given that man 10 years of endless chances and right up until the day he tried to kill me, I gave every piece of me and every chance, forgiveness and excuse I could muster to try and make it work.

I tried to get through the summer with out you, found new men and new ventures to occupy my time, but none of them could hold a candel to you. You had become the embodyment of so much that I loved, so many things I had lost, and the image of what I desperately wanted in my life. I came back to you, looking to make amends, to put everything right and to have you once and for all- no matter what it cost me. You were that important that I sacrifieced everything I had to make you happy and give you comfort. Your lack of effection towards me puzzeled me, I wasn't sure what more I could do to make you love me, but I would have done anything you asked me to do- because all I ever wanted was your love.

I gave you everything I had, mind body and soul- this was the last time for us and I intended to cling to you no matter what you did wrong, but the fact that you didn't love me was too much to bare. If you'd have loved me, and shown me your love- I would never have hurt you and I would have done everything with in my power to make you happy. But you didn't and that hurt me more than you'll ever know.

You called me stupid and fat, like my father. You kept me useless and hidden, like Alex. You were unattainable and unloving, like my brother. And the things I saw in you that were like Niel, had died off a long time ago.... You weren't like Niel, you'd had 2 years to use me for yor will and fantasies and you DIDN'T! You were just like Alex, you couldn't love me honestly but you didn't want to let me go to another man because you wanted me for your own! You were so my father, no matter how much I tried to please you and make you happy, all you could see and point out were the bad things- nothing I did was right. You were like my brother, you took what you wanted and left me a soiled mess trying to cling to my last shreds of dignaty alone in the dark, trying to figure this whole mess out.

I hated you for that. I hated you for being all these things, all these people and yourself.
I lashed out to hurt you and indirectly I was trying to hurt each one of those other people for hurting me too- but it was all focused on you, because you were the trigger- the embodyment of so many of the most harmful & hurtful men in my life- I WANTED TO DESTROY YOU and THEM for ever hurting me a day in my life at all.

Now it's my extreme nature of forgiveness that would always make me come back to you, and to all of the other men in the past as well. Alex and I had done this for 10 years, and I knew if I didn't put a stop to it somehow- you and I could carry on like this for a long time hurting each other too.
That's why I slept with 'D'- it wasn't designed to hurt you- it was meant to end everything once and for all, because I knew where this would end if we didn't put a completely FINAL stop to it. We would keep linking up and if I became pregnant or something, we would be linked for life & that wasn't gonna happen to me again. I wasn't gonna allow it this time! It had to stop!!!

So yeah, I f*cked 'D' to save us both from further harm. I knew it wasn't right, but even after everything I had done to you in the past you still had a soft spot for me, and I couldn't risk you bending to my wiles another day for anything in the world. You had proven that when we broke up but still kept in contact, before you knew about 'D'- you where still hurt and angry for evgerything I had done to you and your carreer, but still I would have been able to weasle my way back into your good graces (which is of course exactly what I wanted- I still oved you and wanted you, but we would only repeate all the same $#%^ over and over again if we hadn't been able to get it right after this long) You made me feel so stupid and guilty the night of the holloween thing, and then you said you were going out. I logged onto AFF and saw your profile as being ONLINE for hours and I was LIVID that I sat here feeling like sh*t and you were there looking for p*ssy, while I stayed alone crying all night in my room. To me it was just more proof that you didn't care, another slap in the face and another thing that made you just like the rest of the men who had hurt me & I wanted to hurt you too, so I called 'D' again.

I never told you about 'D' because 1- you finally told you told me you loved me, which I didn't think you were gonna do and I felt very guilty for it & 2- after the second time you and I had broken up, 'D' and I were going to start f*cking more regularly, and since we weren't together anymore, it was none of your business who I was f*cking anyways.

The only reason I threw it in your face at all was because of that day with black dildo, you called me and yelled fiercly at me, putting me down, attacking me and hurting me so badly inside- you were just like my Dad & I think I even said it while we were on the phone (not sure if you heard it or not) but that was when I realized the conection between you and my father RIGHT THERE! I could feel myself begging for yor approval and love even though you werre verbally ripping me a new ass hole and hurting me so so bad inside- I still wanted your love.

As you yelled at me I told you that I could say something that would destroy you; that I could rip your heart out right then and there, destroy your life, your friendships and your prescious 'show' if you didn't stop hurting me at that very moment. You were relentless in your attack on me, I was hurt beyond words and still just wanting your love- I knew where this would all go if I didn't stop it once and for all. I knew it would hurt you, I knew it would p*ss 'D' off entirely too, but you and I had to end- so I told you about D!

Everything else that happened after that is a mush of memories in my mind anymore...

It was all hurt filled venom between the 2 of us and it never needed to happen to begin with. As far as I'm concerned it's irrelavent in every way shape and form, because telling you about 'D' was the end of it- TRULY!

Yes I tried to hold on, yes I tried to make ammends, to offer myself to you and compinsate for hurting you. It wasn't my intention to hurt you- well I guess it kinda was, but not entirely...
Hard to explane...

I wanted you to feel the same kind of pain you had made me feel while spewing those hurtfull words. I'm sure you're thinking how can words equal the pain I inflicted on you by sleeping with your bestfriend? But when you've been the stand in for all those men; Niel, Alex, my brother and my father, and hurt me so much just like they did- there was nothing in the world that was too far out of range in hurting you. Nothing I wouldn't do to damage you the way you and they damaged me....

It's taken me a long time to figure this out; the why I fell for you so hard, why I hurt you so much and why I can't seem to let you go still & it's all because you represent so much more to me than just yourself. They say every man grows up to mary his mother/girls mary their father, etc... But you were the perfect blend of so many of the men who I loved and lost, who used and abused me, and who I still have issues with to this day- that it was indeed the perfect storm for my own emotional sunami to be unleashed.

So yeah, as much as this was all about you- it wasn't.
You created the actions (or inactions in some cases) that lead to the intertwinning of yourself to these men, that's for sure. But you didn't ask for the wrath of my past abuses to be set on you, and that's what I feel so bad about now.

It's not YOUR fault that these people hurt me, but I took it all out on you.
All I ever wanted was for you to love me, to be safe in your arms and in your love, to be sheltered from the world and all it's attackers, because you had saved me so many times before- I wanted you to save from everything, including myself...

I put too much on you. I placed too much responsability on you and smeared you with the poluted issues of my past- it wasn't at all fair and you had no part in it really.

All you ever wanted was to have me, and you got me and all my issues to boot.
I don't think you desrved it- not all of it anyways. I went above and beyond to hurt you, because of other people and my past, and that's what's not fair!

I take full responsability for hurting you- that was mine, but you could have done so much to prevent it & just one of those simplest of things would have been to love me back and actually show it- but you didn't, and so it is....

I know it's not much an excuse, but it's not meant to be an excuse of any kind. What it is is a realization and explanation as to why and how this all happened; taking it away from you personally and seeing the connection to all the other $#%^ in my life- it finally makes sense AT LAST!