Is there any hope?

On Wednesday it was d day. I realised that there is something seriously wrong with me. I started typing in all the things that aren't right and I have every single sign of having HPD. I feel like someone has punched me and I don't really know what to do. Reading these forums has only scared me becasue having this means I am a horrible person and I dont want to be. I feel so awful for how I have treated people in my life since as long as I can rmember and it doesnt even seem like there is anything I can do to change. I am trying to contact psychotherapists and start with that, but I am terrified. I am fighting the urge to call my friends and talk to my boyfriend because dramatising is something that I do and I dont want to, so I dont know who to talk to.
Any words of comfort would be nice.
Mel.

Mel,

If you have HPD there is no known way you brought it upon yourself. Start with a search for the roots of it. Strongly suggest you make up a simplified genogram search.php?keywords=genogram and have a solid, “objective” look. After completing one you are likely to conclude your role in this was indeed passive.

However, “now that you know” its up to you to take calm, rational action to make things better. Sticking your head in the sand won’t feel good. On the other hand, getting dramatic about it only feeds the fire.

If you read on this forum people who have had HPD and have pushed back hard against it you will know the road to recovery has its steepest hill right at the beginning. After you get over that hump, it starts getting easier. And people do push HPD back.

Having friends and a BF can very much help. Dial down the drama, turn off the five bell fire alarm, have a sit, reflect on your self and post what you see. True friends and a close BF can help you learn about yourself. On reflection into yourself, what do you see?

There is hope because you recognize a problem. Keep in mind that the primary reason that many professionals believe there is little hope of ever successfully treating or curing a PD is because:

"The person with the PD does not, will not, acknowledge there is a problem. This means it is nearly impossible to help a person who has a problem that the person possessing the problem is not willing to recognize".

So, keep in mind that the reason isn't "they can't help you, or, there is no help for you", the reason was, "you don't need help, or, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you" that the chance of a person getting cured or treated for a PD was slim.

You have acknowledged this, and this is the first step. Some pd's have acknowledged there illnesses and justify them or embrace them as part of their identity (so they convince themselves they don't need help). Sofrance, in some of her posts, conveys this meaning.

You, on the other hand, both acknowledge a problem AND want to do something about it. This means there is tons and tons of hope for you.

Keep it up, learn...and one day I hope you can help this cause by shining light on how these PD's work (the different sub types of them), how they can be identified by non's sooner, and how those who want help can successfully obtain help.

I know a woman (she is quite famous now) who had Borderline Personality Disorder...she is cured and now helps both nons and cluster b suffers alike. If a borderline can get cured, you can believe a histrionic can!!

All the best to you, and keep up the discipline. If you feel like quitting, if you feel like skipping steps, remember to discipline yourself and keep it up.

Dear Mel,

It's been about two months since I recognized that I have HPD. I felt the EXACT same way that you are describing; essentially it was D-Day when it dawned on me. The self-blame and self-hatred were seemingly unbearable. The very first time I ever posted on this board, I honestly wanted to kill myself because I was so angry with who I was as a person. I am so glad I didn't do anything drastic when things were bad. This is the worst part; the beginning.

It is true what Wisdom and Jmac have said that the first step is the hardest - and probably the most painful - step. It is excruciating. Allow yourself to feel this. This is important. It's great that you are seeking professional therapy right now. I've found it to be very important to be able to talk through my feelings about having this disorder and simply be HEARD. This board, in addition to your therapy, is a great place for that. Until you find a good therapist, there are many folks on here who are eager to read, genuinely try to understand you, and respond. I'm on here almost every day and I would be more than willing to be a source of support for you in listening and responding promptly. I know how difficult it is in the beginning.

I notice that I have already began feeling better after these two months of heavy reflection. Now that I have had some time of intense self-reflection and of learning about the causes of my disorder, I am starting to recognize that it is not my fault that I have HPD. And even though I have it, HPD does not define ME as a person. You are you; your boyfriend enjoys the person that you are!

My boyfriend and I are very serious (we live together and plan to marry) and I shared this information with him as soon as I discovered it. At first I hesitated, wondering if he would reject me. But since I know that it is going to take years and lots of effort to BECOME a healthy partner to someone else, I wanted to be upfront with him and let him know this. I have shared this info with my mom and two of my close friends. No one has rejected me or blamed me. I have been met instead with friendliness, love, and unconditional acceptance. It was okay that I cried when I told my boyfriend. This is in fact a realization worthy of tears. It's no little thing, but there IS hope!!!

Let yourself feel right now. Remember that this current pain won't last forever, but it IS an important part of the healing process. Knowing the truth involves a loss: the loss of the days of ignorant bliss. What do we do when we experience loss? We grieve. And then we heal. Keep reflecting. And keep posting on here whenever you need support. Like I said, there are many of us on here who are here for you during this rough time. Stay the course! We'll be in touch.

Hi Mel

Looking at it with a calm and clear eye:

(1) Despite your fear, you have come to this forum and read the human stories behind HPD. You are not a horrible person, because if you have HPD you began to develop it as a child, and who can blame a child for the situations and choices they must endure? If, in reading some of the angry and frustrated posts by the partners of HPD affected people ("Non's"), you should understand that some of the Non's have not yet realized that the emotional disconnect they experienced with their HPD partners is kinda like the mistakes that can occur when two people speaking different languages get together. And even though they might not yet know it, the Non's path to true freedom from their own suffering is to forgive their HPD affected partner.

(2) You must have realized through your reading that the fundamental reason this forum exists is not condemnation, but rather acceptance, respect, help and love for all who come here...?

(3) You have realized you have a problem (and you are in good company: all of us have our own problems, one way or another)

(4) Your fear confirms you want to change your present situation, even if this only means acheiving better coping skills.

So it seems to me that the hope you seek is already within you. To be sure, all of us are here to support that hope! By all means contact a mental health professional, but find one you are comfortable with. Maybe some of the other HPD affected people who have recently done the same can give you some good advice here.

Be encouraged, be comforted, be brave, and know that you are always supported here.

~Orion