Authenticity of Self

HISTRIONIC PERSONALITYby Dr. Daniel A. Bochner

Drama!!! That's what most people think of when they hear the word “histrionic.” In fact, that's exactly what it means with respect to personality. Histrionic Personality is the term used to describe a person who engages in drama as the primary way of defending against the vulnerabilities they fear most. Typical traits of the Histrionic Personality include exaggerated responding, a need to be the center of attention, a seductive nature, extreme femininity in feminine histrionics and extreme masculinity in masculine histrionics as well as a tendency to be easily influenced. Other less obvious traits include the inability to take responsibility and the inability to feel special. Although histrionic behavior is utilized frequently when a person does not actually have Histrionic Personality (for example, individuals with Borderline Personality frequently behave histrionically), for the individual who truly manifests this personality, it is the need to feel special and the inability to take responsibility that is truly at the core of Histrionic difficulties.

Typically the development of the Histrionic Personality begins very early in life. Two factors 1. the self-centered nature of the infant and 2. extreme interpersonal conflict in the infant's environment, combine to create a torturous level of responsibility and a complete lack of specialness. It may sound strange, but the natural tendency of the baby to feel that they exist at the center of everything gives life to the core of the problem. New born babies have a completely chaotic experience that is structured by the parenting they receive. The baby cries and they wait for the parents to respond. From the perspective of the adult, it would seem like such an experience would lead the child to feel that nothing is in their control. To the ever-learning baby, however, the experience is more like everything is about them. They poop or pee and the foul mess is whisked away with a pleasant wipe wipe, googly bubbly noises, and a reassuring smile. They feel hungry, whimper or cry, and they're offered sweet milk from a breast or a bottle while they bask in glorious repose with a warm pleasant body. Out of disorganized chaos of unmet needs and instincts emerges a sort of magical sense of power over the world. Unfortunately, in the world of the child who will develop Histrionic Personality, the magic does not last as long as necessary.

Although the history of the Histrionic person typically involves a loving mother, and sometimes a loving father, as the child develops, there also tends to be dramatic conflict between their caretakers. Frequent, and vociferous arguing, with lack of resolve, dominates the experience of the child. Even worse, the actual conflict is often about the child because each parent feels the other should be doing more, or because the child's behavior is out of control (like that of the parents) and each adult argues about how to handle that behavior. Because the child feels that they are at the center of the universe and that everything happens because of them, the child starts to feel that the conflict is their fault. In fact, the child often feels as though each of the parents can only be comforted by the child. When it is the opposite sex parent that needs most of the comforting, it is quite typical for the child's behavior to become sexually charged.

The sense of responsibility for the conflict and heightened chaos, along with the feeling of being the go-to person of one of the parents during conflicts, leads to tremendous guilt. In fact, the possibility that the tearing apart of ones parents could possibly be the child's fault, in turn leads to extreme discomfort with any kind of responsibility. This is the hallmark of the Histrionic. Histrionics eschew even the most mundane kinds of responsibility as though any kind of responsibility reminds them of the trauma they experienced when their caretakers could not stand each other. In severe Histrionics, there can be almost wholesale avoidance of responsibility, while in less severe cases only social/relational responsibilities pique the pathological vulnerability.

Drama becomes a part of the picture for complex reasons. Initially, the child simply finds that the behavior they see in their parents can be used by the child to stop the parents' fighting and to get attention for themselves. On one hand, parents tend to stop fighting when kids act really badly so that they can attend to the child's behavior. On the other hand, and as indicated above, often the child's behavior leads to more fighting. Thus, while bad behavior may secure attention for the child in the short run, in the long run that attention is lost when the parents return to conflict over how to handle the child's behavior. One way or the other, the child quickly learns that only the most exaggerated behaviors get any attention at all. In the child who comforts one of the parents, very specific kinds of exaggerated responding can start to be shaped, including ways of making that parent feel special such as sexual seductiveness. It is unfortunately all too common for those cases in which a child takes to comforting the opposite sex parent that the hurt parent turns to the child for the kind of closeness that is meant to remain between adults.

The effect of the dramatic behaviors engendered in the child is very difficult to repair. The child becomes dramatic to get attention instead of just acting like a regular child. Thus the specialness of the child, that unique spirit that can come only from an individual who is comfortable enough to be true to their nature, is banished. The child learns to be dramatic to get special attention. But the drama is exaggeration. It is not the real child. Thus, the child, and the Histrionic adult the child becomes, can never feel truly recognized as special. In fact, if anything, their histrionic behaviors worsen over time as they continue to attempt to get a feeling of being special with behaviors that are not true to their own spirit and thus can never lead to a true feeling of specialness.

The inability to take responsibility also precludes the possibility that the Histrionic will get any feeling of specialness. In general, as people become adults, it is their hard work that distinguishes them from others. In order to achieve, it is necessary to take responsibility. This is true in work or education, of course, but it is also true in relationships. Our teachers, our supervisors, and our loved ones all need to be able to count on us and trust us in order work with or stay with us. In school, assignments must be done. At work we are not promoted unless the boss thinks she can trust us. When we disappoint a potential mate repeatedly we're not likely to get more intimate with them. Thus, the Histrionic, unable to take responsibility, consistently disappoints or irritates others with whom they relate. Thus, they cannot get a feeling of special recognition through achievements, nor can they develop any special feeling within their relationships.

Yet the relationships of the Histrionic are constantly affected by their desperate desire to be treated as special. Typically, the intimate involvements of a Histrionic begin in extreme excitement. People in need of drama find the Histrionic irresistible. Very few people, however, can tolerate an ongoing relationship with them. When their behavior is not treated as special, the Histrionic becomes extremely upset. But they do not allow special intimacy. Thus they are expecting their drama to gain them this special recognition, but when their partner no longer thinks of the drama as special, since really only ones true vulnerabilities really make a person special, it becomes very difficult to continue treating the drama as special. To make matters worse, when the Histrionic is confronted, they will not, of course, take responsibility. The suggestion that they are responsible results in extreme anger, denial, and blame. The Histrionic tries to do anything they can to put the responsibility back on their accuser (or someone else if possible). Meanwhile, they continue to try to get special attention in the same way they always have. If they can't get that attention from their partner, they will look elsewhere. They will also not take any responsibility for that behavior, even though it is tremendously hurtful and clearly violates the bond they expect to have with their partner.

With all that said, it may seem that there is practically no way to solve the dilemma of the Histrionic personality. They are locked in to looking for attention in a way that will never truly make them feel special because their drama is not connected to their authentic nature. They will never even feel recognized or important because a lack of responsibility taking precludes true accomplishments. While it may be difficult to see at first, it is the taking of responsibility, however, that can actually lead to a cure. Unfortunately, because the Histrionic is so averse to responsibility, finding a way to get the Histrionic to be responsible is very difficult.

There is really only one way to directly effect change in the Histrionic. When the Histrionic's behavior has been hurtful, the hurt must be stated in such a way that the Histrionic is unable to deny the effect of their actions. Of course, the Histrionic will do everything possible to avoid such responsibility. They will intensify their own reaction to make the other back off. They will blame the other so it won't be their own fault. They will ridicule their partner to shame them and weaken them. All of these maneuvers will be tried, and tried in the most intense fashion, for one main reason. The Histrionic cannot stand the idea that they have caused pain in someone else. That one factor has led to the creation of their whole personality. It is their own pain they are avoiding, and actually holding the idea that they are creating pain, makes them go haywire. They do not want any pain that has been caused to be their fault because it brings them back to the original and damning vulnerability that they are the cause of the pain that made conflict between their parents. So, if someone who they feel is dear to them will not remit in stating that they feel hurt because of something the Histrionic has done, the Histrionic will break their own facade. They will take responsibility and apologize. When this is done, they get one minute step closer to becoming a person who can take responsibility.

While this process is clearly quite slow, it does nevertheless, lead the Histrionic to becoming more responsible and thus to becoming a fully integrated person. The feeling that they are unacceptable as a person because they are at fault for causing huge pain, slowly erodes as they see the other forgive them for what they thought was so unacceptable. Their own pain, caused by loss of security in their family when their loved ones were at war, heretofore hidden because it too was tied up with feelings of being unacceptable, gets freed up as they see for themselves that they did what they had to do to protect themselves as youngsters. They see that what they did, how they felt, and how they continue to behave, are all connected and that the true, vulnerable self beneath the surface that they had always hidden, needs attention, understanding and love. In a word, they finally see that they are truly special. They see that what makes them special is the unique softness within and how it expresses need and desire as well as strength and integrity. Once they see their own specialness, their ability to be responsible leads to ever greater connectedness with their intimates whom they now prize and nurture. Because they see themselves as special and deserving, they also now expect others to prize and nurture them, but for their real self and not for their drama. What was once dramatic flair, only indirectly related to true self expression, becomes authentic spontaneity. Others can see the authentic spontaneity in its full flower and are drawn to it where they had once been merely entertained by, but not connected to, the Histrionic's flamboyance.

This process of taking responsibility is very rare and only a small minority of individuals suffering from Histrionic personality will ever recover. Recovery takes a commitment that can only come from a feeling that things really never seem to work out and that there has to be some reason. The Histrionic must come to some initial realization that they are responsible before they can begin the journey of becoming more and more responsible. If the Histrionic can endure the pain of accepting responsibility, however, they can learn to accept themselves. When they do, when they finally see that they are deserving of the special love they have always craved, when they can see their own ability to care for the specialness in others, and to operate in their families and in their world in a way that demonstrates their integrity as a caring and connected individual, all that the world has to offer is made available, and the Histrionic they once were becomes a full and healthy, spontaneous and authentic partner with the whole universe.

Very few people, however, can tolerate an ongoing relationship with them. When their behavior is not treated as special, the Histrionic becomes extremely upset. But they do not allow special intimacy. Thus they are expecting their drama to gain them this special recognition, but when their partner no longer thinks of the drama as special, since really only ones true vulnerabilities really make a person special, it becomes very difficult to continue treating the drama as special. To make matters worse, when the Histrionic is confronted, they will not, of course, take responsibility. The suggestion that they are responsible results in extreme anger, denial, and blame. The Histrionic tries to do anything they can to put the responsibility back on their accuser (or someone else if possible). Meanwhile, they continue to try to get special attention in the same way they always have. If they can't get that attention from their partner, they will look elsewhere. They will also not take any responsibility for that behavior, even though it is tremendously hurtful and clearly violates the bond they expect to have with their partner.

When we disappoint a potential mate repeatedly we're not likely to get more intimate with them. Thus, the Histrionic, unable to take responsibility, consistently disappoints or irritates others with whom they relate. Thus, they cannot get a feeling of special recognition through achievements, nor can they develop any special feeling within their relationships.

The Histrionic cannot stand the idea that they have caused pain in someone else. That one factor has led to the creation of their whole personality. It is their own pain they are avoiding, and actually holding the idea that they are creating pain, makes them go haywire.

They do not want any pain that has been caused to be their fault because it brings them back to the original and damning vulnerability that they are the cause of the pain that made conflict between their parents.

So, if someone who they feel is dear to them will not remit in stating that they feel hurt because of something the Histrionic has done, the Histrionic will break their own facade. They will take responsibility and apologize.

While this process is clearly quite slow, it does nevertheless, lead the Histrionic to becoming more responsible and thus to becoming a fully integrated person. The feeling that they are unacceptable as a person because they are at fault for causing huge pain, slowly erodes as they see the other forgive them for what they thought was so unacceptable. Their own pain, caused by loss of security in their family when their loved ones were at war, heretofore hidden because it too was tied up with feelings of being unacceptable, gets freed up as they see for themselves that they did what they had to do to protect themselves as youngsters. They see that what they did, how they felt, and how they continue to behave, are all connected and that the true, vulnerable self beneath the surface that they had always hidden, needs attention, understanding and love. In a word, they finally see that they are truly special. They see that what makes them special is the unique softness within and how it expresses need and desire as well as strength and integrity. Once they see their own specialness, their ability to be responsible leads to ever greater connectedness with their intimates whom they now prize and nurture. Because they see themselves as special and deserving, they also now expect others to prize and nurture them, but for their real self and not for their drama. What was once dramatic flair, only indirectly related to true self expression, becomes authentic spontaneity.

So my questions are has anyone broken through the massive repression and denial that is the hallmark of HPD and learned to have genuine empathy and achieved authentic integration of self?

So, if someone who they feel is dear to them will not remit in stating that they feel hurt because of something the Histrionic has done, the Histrionic will break their own facade. They will take responsibility and apologize.