connfused and hurt 2 wrote:
TK's Guide to Married Life with an HPD
This is from my personal experience over the last three years. It may or may not gel with anyone else's. No guarantees, implied or otherwise, regarding merchantability or fitness for purpose, etc etc yada yada.
Often, the guys that end up in a relationship (not just as f**k buddies or for a pump and dump) with an HPD are 'nice guys' with co-dependent traits. Sounds like you might be, I know I definitely was. You can't be a nice guy in a relationship with a normal woman, let alone an HPD, without being walked all over and ultimately leaving both of you hurt and unsatisfied. I'm not saying you can't be a *good* guy. Be caring, loving, and supportive by all means. But unless you embrace your role as the leading force in the relationship, she'll treat you like dirt, and then she'll be angry at you for *letting* her treat you like dirt. I've come to believe that a woman can't feel long-lasting passionate love for a man who's weak and controllable. That's where the dreaded "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" line comes in - the fire's gone out, because he didn't stoke it and fan the flames.
If I look really hard at myself, I can agree with that.
A female HPD is the very essence of femininity. The good (caring, nurturing, loving, warm, affectionate), the attractive (presentation, the way she moves, the way she can make any guy feel on top of the world), and the bad (lying and cheating if she can get away with it, emotionally unstable, fickle and irresponsible), all dialled up to maximum and wrapped up in a petite package. She's a wild woman - as you would expect, because HPD forms due to lack of closeness with her mother. As one of our resident HPDs here once said, it's not so much that they use and discard men as that they're looking for the 'perfect man', one who can give them what they need. My quest, and yours, is to learn to be that man.
The good, the bad and the attractive I can agree with. But I didn't have a bad relationship with my mom. She was my only stability in an unstable world. My father figures were the issue.
If she is the primal feminine, how could she ever have a real relationship with anyone but the primal masculine? To make it work, you have to be that primal force. You have to be active, not passive. Be the incubus to her succubus. Strong, brave, and unafraid, especially of her. Never hide from conflict, never run from a fight. You have to be sure of yourself, always. You make the decisions, she can disagree with you (and if you choose to, you can go with her suggestion instead) but the final say is yours. You can treat her like a queen - but make damn sure she knows you're the king. If she puts you down, call her on it and tell her it's unacceptable. If she treats you badly or starts showing another man too much attention, tell her, straight away, that she *will* stop. If her words and her actions don't match, and sometimes they won't, then tell her so and demand an explanation. Always, ALWAYS believe her actions over her words. And most importantly, she has to KNOW you are ready and willing to walk away for keeps if she breaks any relationship ground rules. I can't stress enough how important it is that you NEVER let her break your boundaries without consequences. If you train her to view your boundaries as empty threats, then it's your fault when she's surprised that you won't take her back after she cheats.
Ok, no. If you f'n tell me, "You WILL STOP!" I will laugh at you. I don't care how macho, authoritarian you are. You can tell me you don't like something in a respectful way. If I don't listen, try it again later the same way. I am a human being and I don't respond well to someone telling me what I will and won't be doing in that manner.
Poor word choice on train. No one trains me. Are you trying to use it as a way of talking about conditioning? Because I'm not Pavlov's dog. You can't ring a bell and watch me salivate any more than you can train me to respond to you the way you want. I'm not conditionable.
She will test you, constantly, to see if she can control you. Don't let her push you or manipulate you. She'll yell and scream when you stop jumping on her command. She will push every button she can find to try and get you back under control. She will rage at you. Always stop and think it through. Don't be afraid to apologise if you were in the wrong, but never just assume you were, and never apologise when you were in the right. If you were and it's just another $#%^-test, tell her directly "your anger is your problem, not mine" and give her some space to get over it. She'll rage even harder when you say this - that's part of the test. If she can intimidate you, you fail, and she loses respect for you. If she can't, even if the night ends on her stomping off to the spare room yelling "I'm never speaking to you again" over some ridiculous thing, you pass. Her respect for you goes up, she feels safer and more committed in the relationship, and believe it or not she finds you more attractive.
First part of this is true. Last part, back to no. I don't respect people or feel safe with people who are deliberately mean. You know I'm upset but you walk away? Really? No. Show some sense of desire to work it out and I'll respond faster. Maybe I will walk out of the room yelling. But you know what I really want? Love. Its a test for you to follow me and tell me that no matter what, you're there and we'll get through it together. Unconditional love.
As for the sex - just taking the lead in the relationship in general will improve things in that area. As with every other aspect of your life, though, take the lead here. Be spontaneous. Slap her ass on the way past, give her a passionate kiss for no reason whatsoever, bring her flowers if you feel like it. If she responds well to that kiss, pick her up and carry her to the bedroom like a Viking pillager (obviously no means no - give her a squeeze and a smile and a quick kiss on the lips and leave the room - do NOT try and make her feel guilty, make sure she knows that you're not upset and you're up for some later when she's ready). Never apologise for wanting sex - you're a red blooded male and wanting to have sex with her is part of why you married her. Never ask for sex, NEVER beg for it. Just crank up your own engine and if your experience is anything like mine, she'll rev up to match you.
LOL.. I like that.
Those are my thoughts on TK's post. Not that you asked for them but you posted in my thread, so you got them!
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