Is my ex HPD?

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years and I am almost positive she has a histrionic personality (based on all the descriptions I have read). It was a very tumultuous relationship - she broke up with me a number of times and as things started getting crazy I tried to break up with her and remain NC at least 3 times.

She was very charming, outgoing, attention seeking. She would flirt with other men (although I am positive she never cheated in any physical way), but extremely jealous of my interactions with women (and I am very conservative and careful to be appropriate in my boundaries with female friends). This seemed like a huge double standard and drove me nuts!

She needed constant affection and attention. She would call frequently late at night (2am or 3am) during the week just to get reassurance of my love for her. Often, she would plead and beg me to come over to her place (30 min drive) to hold her and comfort her. I would try to put up good boundaries and tell her not to call so late unless it was an emergency and reminded her that I needed to sleep, had to be rested for work etc. This resulted in huge temper tantrums, hysterical crying, accusations of me not loving her, intense anger, etc. I would politely listen for awhile, assure her of my love and then insist that I had to hang up the phone and go back to bed to be ready for work. After I hung up the phone, I would usually put in on silent and then get a ton of missed calls during the rest of the night with a few messages with her crying and pleading for me to talk with her or screaming at me. Sometimes, I was firm, but other times it just seemed easier (crazy as that sounds) to just drive over and comfort her - even though I would be exhausted for work the next day.

A shared value for both of us was to remain chaste prior to marriage. In spite of this, she constantly tried to seduce me and did not respect my boundaries.

I felt like I was often walking on eggshells (landmines) - had to almost completely withdraw from my female friends, be very careful that I gave her almost undivided attention in social settings, etc.

After our breakup, she quickly (less than a week) moved onto a new relationship (male friend who she had become very close with during our on/off again period).

Could the relationship have worked?

Sounds like you didn't really like putting up with all her theatrics.
When you didn't, you paid the price.

She sounds needy, high maintenance and immature. Whether she was HPD or not, a lot would have to change for you to have a fulfilling relationship. All realtionships require a lot of giving/understanding. Personally, a lot of the minor stuff can be overlooked/forgiven in a relationship.

The problem with HPDs is that the symptoms include lying and cheating. These are usually deal breakers.
Whether or not your relationship would have worked depends on how much of her neediness you can put up with, and whether it progresses into lying, cheating, etc.

If she truly is HPD, I sincerely doubt you could make it work.

In short, no. A woman who needs so much reassurance for your love all the time and didnt consider your needs, respect your boundaries and values, or respect your schedules for responsibilities (aka: work, rest), is a very insecure woman who needs to learn to love herself first and learn to feel empathy in order to have a healthy, loving and lasting relationship.

Judging from the description, I believe she could be a potential histrionic, but the pathology doesn´t seem as severe in her as in other histrionic women. From what I´ve read, at their more developed stage, histrionic women physically cheat, abuse and deceive, blaming their significant other for their own failures, tend to use sex as a manipulation tool and coerce men like you to compromise their morals and values in order to hook you, tend to alienate you not only from female friends but family and other friends as well.. etc. All these acts oftentimes are taken to an extreme, which leaves the men involved with them extremely emotionally battered.

In my opinion, it´s not worth keeping a relationship with these women in their pathologic state. It´s best to stay no contact and to not react to any of their attention seeking behavior after the breakup. Only after she´s undergone several years of therapy and have had a genuine change in their self esteem is that I believe it´s worth giving them the benefit of doubt. As of now, take some time off dating and then try to find a more stable woman; always pay attention to red flags early on to avoid getting burned again.

Take this advice from a woman who´s dating a man with a histrionic ex. Oftentimes the past with a histrionic woman will come back to haunt you in future relationships, therefore it´s best to heal the wounds she left while single and be as sure as you can that she´s giving up on trying to hook you post breakup. They can be quite persistent and quite desperate to string you, specially once she´s out of a main supply source, so if she truly is HPD, chances are she will try. So be patient and have a strong resolve on staying no contact.

Does it matter if she is HPD? She does indeed sound like a pain. It sounds like work matters to you, and certainly 3am calls for sobbing sessions is going to mess up your work day. If she had any respect for you she would see that. The fact that she doesn't tells its own story.

Four months into a new relationship I find myself in a less dramatic, but similarly annoying situation. The woman I am seeing is suddenly demanding we do endless 'couply' things, and hangs up, goes silent etc. if I can't due to work etc. She is not HPD like my ex probably was, but my experience of the last year, focusing on my own responses to such behaviour, tells me to get ready to quit on this relationship - I too am tired at work, at a critical point in my career, and yet what matters to my gf is that she gets 'her weekend'. My needs are secondary, and I need to realise that tells its own story too. She even says she is selfish and a princess, yet I still pause, wonder how to fix it...!!!

A relationship should support you - if like me you have high tolerance of BS (sounds like you do) this is often too hard to realise until it is too late. Let her go. She clearly does not care about you, just cares about what you do for her. HPD or not, that is no basis for any relationship.

Thank you JA1029, Theatrium, and Anutha for your responses...I really appreciate it!

I'm still finding it very difficult as I love this woman very much, see so much potential - it's hard to see her so happy with someone else (though I want the best for her).

JA1029 - there wasn't cheating, but I did worry that if I didn't meet her needs she might be driven to have someone else meet them.

Theatrium - "Oftentimes the past with a histrionic woman will come back to haunt you in future relationships." If your comfortable answering, how has this been this case in your relationship? What do I need to watch for (in myself) when in a relationship with a more stable woman?

Anutha - I do feel like I have a much higher tolerance for BS than most guys and I'm sure that makes me likely to stay in difficult relationships longer than I should. I would definitely like to be in more of an "adult" relationship - just hoped that could come out of the previous one.

Another question, I am in the same church community group as my ex (and the new BF). I am considering leaving the church (and trying to find a new one) even though I help with the leadership and am very connected with many of the other people there, so that I can get some healing and separation from the new couple. Would this help me heal? Or is this immature of me to bail (and might miss opportunity to develop a relationship with someone else there)?

If anyone has any thoughts on this, thanks in advance!

I'd leave the Church. This sounds similar to my ex HPD wife who appeared "religious" around church people and pretended to have boundaries when with me. I later found out that she was meeting guys on the internet who were driving from 2-3 hrs away to come spend the weekend with her. She would bring a new man to church every 1-2 months. You would think that the pastor would confront her on bringing all of these men to church and the influence it is having on her 2 small children. Can you imagine the children telling their friends in Sunday school that mommy has another male friend this month. Just be careful that she's not pretending to have boundaries because she knows your a Christian. She probably has no boundaries with guys outside of church.

I am considering moving churches as well. I see nothing wrong with it, in my case.
It's better to get away. I see no way of having an amicable relationship with my wife, seeing her with other people on a consistent basis. I need the no contact. Plus, she is good as being the victim and justifying her actions, as well as making me look like the devil.

My wife pretends to be religious. Obviously, she has twisted God's love to mean she can do anything she wants and still be forgiven. -- not true faith, in my opinion.

FYI. I didn't think my wife would ever cheat. That was my first mistake. Fact was that she did a lot of emotional cheating for a long time, then she did it all out. After being caught, she continued. Then moved on to other men and cheated with them. I don't think I could ever have met her needs the way that she wanted, for a lifetime. I did for a while, but eventually you have to focus on work, finances, the home, kids, etc.

IMO, these women's excessive emotions are a turn on at first. They make you feel good because they tell you how great you are, etc. But, you also have to live with the other side (which you certainly have). You see the potential for something great, because you want all of the good stuff, if she could just get rid of the bad side. It just doesnt work that way though.