Reigniting your life after a break up w/ an HPD

Hey guys/gals,

Since I broke w/ my ex-HPD, several revelations hit me and I wanted to pass them along:

Any relationship that ends is going to leave a certain void in you. How big that gap is depends on the nature of the relationship (i.e. living in each others pockets or maintaining a healthy distance) and the nature of the break up itself (i.e. who broke w/ who, timing etc)

Breakups are generally unpleasant, period. However, moving on after an HPD can be especially tough. And here's what I believe to be one of the key factors why - in a nutshell: the void is simply that much wider/deeper after being w/ an HPD (to be explained in a moment)

I believe it's important to recognize this because knowledge is power. In this case, the power to heal yourself and truly move on w/ your own, independent life. If you don't know what you are dealing w/ emotionally, it's gonna take a lot of fumbling around to fully move on, and I've seen people on these forums (myself included a few months ago) struggling to articulate just how and why the break up has hit them as hard as it has/why they miss their ex-HPD so much, even against their better judgment.

The void [intensified] - when you reflect back upon the relationship w/ your ex-HPD and all the aspects to his/her personality which led you to this forum: the theatrics, the drama, the attention seeking behavior, the idealizations, the arguments etc - when all of it is put in perspective, you come to realize that you have essentially been baby sitting an adult, at the very least, on an emotional level. All relationships tend to require a certain investment of time and attention, this is true. However, when it comes to a relationship w/ an HPD, enormous amounts of time and energy get diverted. Think about it hard, b/c as the relationship developed and you found yourself distracted by the drama and anxiety, you probably didn't quite fully take on board just how much of your own life and personality was effectively being sidelined to cope w/ the train wreak of a relationship you had. Once you recognize this, it makes perfect sense as to why the breakup hit you as hard as it did: when your life - for a sustained period - becomes less about you and more about another person, it is only natural that not having that person in your life will throw you for a loop for a while. Essentially, the dynamics of the relationship left you with less of yourself to go back to, hence a more intensified void exists to deal w/ and work on filling. And this overwhelming sense of loss will continue to haunt your days and prevent you from moving on until you make the mental decision to let go and regain and continue your own life (to be discussed)

Musicians and performers talk about the depression that sets in after a stage performance: it's apparently rather common. They go from all the build up, anxiety, excitement, and nirvana of performing to a sold out-crowd, to suddenly nothing when the show concludes. I liken breaking up w/ an HPD to be somewhat like what performers deal w/ the show is over: all that [painful] 'excitement' that you didn't ask for, but had to cope with, to the sudden and abrupt 'peace' that remains when they are gone...it's like walking into an empty apartment that was formally a chaotic mess - you will feel lonely, you will feel deflated initially. Even though you know the break up was the right thing, even though you know it's best for you, even though you swear you'll never subject yourself to that again...you find your thoughts drifting and you feel you miss them (feeling great disgust/shame/confusion with yourself for feeling that way) Well here is the thing, some of it is legitimate (i.e. 'missing' them) but a LOT of it isn't - you have to recognize that a great amount of the loss you feel is attributed to that empty room you are sitting in, and not the loss of the person. It's important to distinguish this, because if not, you are giving that person far more power and effect over your life than they in fact have. And all that is going to do is slow the process of recovery to a painful, plodding pace.

So in conclusion, here is my advice:

1. Firmly commit yourself to moving on from the relationship. It's a decision. Make it. Work on your own life now.

2. Do yourself a favor and remain no contact. Remember that you escaped a fire. Don't play w/ matches. It's hard to work on filling up your room when someone else's junk keeps on appearing - every time you entertain contact (for whatever reason) their crap is crowding your space and holding you back. Think of the relationship as an experience you had, one of many in your life, that in the grand scheme of things, is just an experience - move on and learn from it.

3. If you can't remain completely no contact (i.e. you have mutual kids together) my advice is to set strong boundaries and work even harder on filling your room asap. 'Filling' your room? I'm talking about hobbies, passions, gym, dating...things you might not feel inclined to get into right now (b/c you're depressed) but why wait? sitting around w/ your thoughts won't help. When you first start exercising, you feel like $#%^, but once you get used to it, it becomes natural. Don't spend anymore time waiting for happiness to come to you, go out there and start seeking it. Anything less is like dodging the gym while you wait for your muscles to develop - totally counterproductive. Recognize that the path to getting better requires action on your part.

4. Think about what is wrong w/ you that made you decide to ignore the flags you ignored to be w/ the ex-HPD. Don't beat yourself up too much, but be realistic, there is a reason you didn't walk away from an individual most people would drop early on - that reason has something to do w/ your personality. Working this out will help you avoid similar relationships in the future.

Okay, that'll do it. I've tried to put down exactly what helped, and continues to help me. The most important part was making that mental decision to leave the ex-HPD behind. To visualize that I was leading my own life again, a life that had nothing to do with her, and the commencement of working on regaining and improving it. The more I value my life, the less I care about how it was before when she was in it. And the more it makes me realize what a positive thing the break up was. I always knew it was the right decision, but only once I started getting around to living again did I cross the line between knowing it was right and actually 'feeling' it was right.



Rhodes

Wanted to add/enlarge on something:

Why do battered women tend to keep dating abusers? one reason could be familiarity - as sick as it is, it's what they know, it's what they are accustomed to.

If you look at things that way, you might understand a little of why the temptation to entertain contact arises. Just remember that you are the captain of your own ship - where you steer it is your decision. My advice is to steer it far away from the ex and towards something healthy and stable so you can get used and accustomed to that. Don't remain anchored off that miserable island any longer, release the sails and start moving forward and improving! Good luck!

you come to realize that you have essentially been baby sitting an adult,

I have to tell you Rhodes... it is so comforting to see another non articulate this. I have a bad habit of over analyzing and I keep coming back to this simple thought (babysitting) and realize this was reason enough to break it off. And although I miss her dearly and think about her everyday, this thought makes me stay on track. Thanks for this insight.

A relationship with an HP is always an interesting affair. I think more than anything, once one gets through the "woe is me, isn't she horrid", you have to then think of sweeping in front of your own door. These relationships shall identify and bring to your attention; assuming you can recognize it; your own weaknesses (idealism, neediness, dependency, complexes, addiction to love, sex, flattery and what not). In my opinion, the most important to obtain from any broken (or existing) relationship with an HP is to recognize these flaws in your own self, work on them and make yourself stronger. Provided that they don't get as far as destroying you, a relationship with an HP is a golden opportunity for self improvement.

Musician.

Thank you for this post. I must say the adjustment to the absense of chaos has been very tough, pleasant, but tough. I had to analyse why I felt comfortable with chaos and I realize that I have never lived in a safe environment in my life. I must deal with that and try not to beat myself up about it. I didn't do anything to deserve it.

You really have to have been in one of these relationships to understand how difficult the recovery is. This is probably because as you say you have been babysitting for so long you have neglected your own needs.

Al