Just discovered HPD and need advice

Today I stumbled across the term “histrionic personality disorder” and felt my heart sink into my stomach the more I read about it. Much of it seemed to mirror my significant other's behavior and I was wondering how to handle it. I've done a decent amount of reading posts here, but there's so much going on that I don't even know where to start.

Some quick details:
met 3yrs ago
distance relationship 22 months
living together 14 months
married 8 months
couples therapy (EFT-focused) Feb10-May10 (she didn't think it was helping)
individual therapy for both Feb10-present

i'm "normal" as far as I've been able to ascertain and tend to be introverted. I never thought i'd been in therapy of any kind, esp individual, though it has helped me repair some of the emotional exhaustion and helplessness.

She doesn't appear to have the worst of HPD, mainly as it relates to cheating. I feel like she feels something is "wrong", but still doesn't see the negative effect she has on the world around her (lots of positive too though) and I'm not sure how to approach this. I shot an email off to my current therapist and our former couples therapist today, but wuld love some assistance from people who have lived it like those here.

Thank you

I see no replies yet and realized I hadn't actually posed a specific question. Sorry!

Let's start with this: What are some ways to approach her about the concept of HPD?

A couple of things struck me about your post...first, the feeling you described when you first began to read about hpd, it seems like a moment where reality has met a definition..., next is your use of the word "concept", like there are multiple variables to take in and it is not all that simple to lay out on the table and say..wtf is all this? As if it is woven into a complex web and hard to find a beginning and an end... As usual there is the subjective factor in reading a brief post on a complicated issue (yours) and totally understanding what you mean, for example you say,"She doesn't appear to have the worst of HPD, mainly as it relates to cheating"... what does that mean exactly?....the worst of hpd is cheating or, she is not the worst of hpd's because she does not cheat...or both... etc.

In terms of introducing her to the concept of "hpd" ....act towards her as she does to you....and not give a $#%^....see what happens.

Thank you for the reply and thank you more for being direct and probing.

subtleone wrote:A couple of things struck me about your post...first, the feeling you described when you first began to read about hpd, it seems like a moment where reality has met a definition...

yes, but as a non-professional i guess i'm not ready to say it with 100% certainty b/c tehre are some behaviors she does not exhibit that I have read about here, but maybe its jsut a matter of time

next is your use of the word "concept", like there are multiple variables to take in and it is not all that simple to lay out on the table and say..wtf is all this? As if it is woven into a complex web and hard to find a beginning and an end...

What I mean by that is sitting down with her and talkng about HPD specifically rather than talking about her general behavior or specific episodes without the context of HPD surrounding it as we have been doing thus far. I was wondering if there were any suggestions on the most constructive ways to introduce her to HPD given the oversensitivity HPD's carry with them. No reason to drop a nuke if a laser-guided bomb can do the trick.

As usual there is the subjective factor in reading a brief post on a complicated issue (yours) and totally understanding what you mean, for example you say,"She doesn't appear to have the worst of HPD, mainly as it relates to cheating"... what does that mean exactly?....the worst of hpd is cheating or, she is not the worst of hpd's because she does not cheat...or both... etc.

I mean that from what I've read cheating seems to be the worst thing she could do to me except for maybe physical violence and I have no reason to think she would engage in that. She was repeatedly cheated on by a live-in boyfriend some time ago and it did a number on her. Everything I've gathered from her family and friends and my own observation is that she does not mess around and does not handle advances well.

In terms of introducing her to the concept of "hpd" ....act towards her as she does to you....and not give a $#%^....see what happens.

It seems to me that this would just serve to escalate things. I have definitely stopped taking her crap and calling her out when she's out of line and not engage when she acts to seek further engagement. I have learned that chasing onyl encourages and enables more bad behavior and my lack of reaction seems to have muted her attempts to manipulate my emotions that way. I have flat out told her that I am done chasing her and will never do it again. Is my next step really to call her out the next time she says "we're done" or "i want a divorce" in a fit of rage? So far I have pared my response down to dismissively saying "no" or "that's not happening".

thanks for listening

Hi Yankeefan,

After pursuing the same inquiry, I have given up on the idea of confronting the HPD about their disorder. There are quite a few reasons for this.

yankeefan wrote:as a non-professional i guess i'm not ready to say it with 100% certainty b/c tehre are some behaviors she does not exhibit that I have read about here, but maybe its jsut a matter of time

Without solid evidence or a professional diagnosis there is no way you telling her about your speculations is going to drive her to therapy, especially while you are in therapy. Be prepared for blameshifting: you are the crazy one. Not to mention that if she does not cheat or handle advances well, this is a pretty consistent theme in the HPD universe. There might be something else going on: BPD? As a lay person you probably can't say. All you can do is watch her behavior and decide in advance what you are willing to live with.

You wrote in your OP:

yankeefan wrote:couples therapy (EFT-focused) Feb10-May10 (she didn't think it was helping)

She doesn't appear to have the worst of HPD, mainly as it relates to cheating. I feel like she feels something is "wrong", but still doesn't see the negative effect she has on the world around her

If she can't see it, she can't see it and no words, discussion, argument, or evidence will convince her otherwise. From what you've written I gather arguing with her is an "escalating" and "manipulative" affair. She will be convinced by your actions, not your words.

yankeefan wrote:
It seems to me that this would just serve to escalate things. I have definitely stopped taking her crap and calling her out when she's out of line and not engage when she acts to seek further engagement. I have learned that chasing onyl encourages and enables more bad behavior and my lack of reaction seems to have muted her attempts to manipulate my emotions that way. I have flat out told her that I am done chasing her and will never do it again. Is my next step really to call her out the next time she says "we're done" or "i want a divorce" in a fit of rage? So far I have pared my response down to dismissively saying "no" or "that's not happening".

So I take it that at this point divorce is not an option. Make it one in your mind. What are you willing to tolerate, and what are you not willing to tolerate. What are your non-negotiables when it comes to her behavior? What are the consequences when she transgresses. It's up to you to show her the effect she has on the world by not putting up with bad behavior. There must be consequences. Telling her she has HPD will accomplish little, and might even provide fodder for excusing her bad behavior. Treat her like any other person, PD or not. When she does things you don't like think, "what would I do if my best friend behaved this way? How would I react? Would I continue to pardon, placate, and try to please this person?" Continue with your therapy, work on your self, discover your boundaries and defend them. Look for posts on here by Tatteredknight. Check out the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and there is a very helpful forum for guys in situations similar to yours based on the psychology of this very helpful book.

Thank you for the toughtful response PM. My additional thoughts:

Principled Man wrote:Without solid evidence or a professional diagnosis there is no way you telling her about your speculations is going to drive her to therapy, especially while you are in therapy. Be prepared for blameshifting: you are the crazy one. Not to mention that if she does not cheat or handle advances well, this is a pretty consistent theme in the HPD universe. There might be something else going on: BPD? As a lay person you probably can't say. All you can do is watch her behavior and decide in advance what you are willing to live with.

Yeah, i was afraid someone would say that me bringing it up would get that kind of response. Re: cheating, my thought is that her past traumatic experience has set a boundary for her in that regard. It gives my hope that me setting firm boundaries on what I will or won't put up with can help lead to things getting straightened out. She is still an overtly sexual and flirtatious person as described by pretty much every HPD description, but i can't say it bothers me b/c I am not insecure in that regard and I do trust her on that topic.

Re: BPD, i read up no that some but came to a quick conclusion that HPD was what I was dealing with. I will check on that again though.

If she can't see it, she can't see it and no words, discussion, argument, or evidence will convince her otherwise. From what you've written I gather arguing with her is an "escalating" and "manipulative" affair. She will be convinced by your actions, not your words.

Arguing is definitely an escalating and sometimes manipulating affair. Does a Socratic approach pay any dividends? For example she brings up as a point of distress that some members of my family don't approve of her or don't seem to like her and that her's love me. Instead of trying to explain how her behavior has created that situation, should I ask questions that lead her to see the different ways I have presented myself to her family vs how she has presented herself to mine? It sounds like the only thing that works for a HPD is self-discovery and I'm trying to think of ways to make that happen.

So I take it that at this point divorce is not an option. Make it one in your mind. What are you willing to tolerate, and what are you not willing to tolerate. What are your non-negotiables when it comes to her behavior? What are the consequences when she transgresses. It's up to you to show her the effect she has on the world by not putting up with bad behavior. There must be consequences. Telling her she has HPD will accomplish little, and might even provide fodder for excusing her bad behavior. Treat her like any other person, PD or not. When she does things you don't like think, "what would I do if my best friend behaved this way? How would I react? Would I continue to pardon, placate, and try to please this person?" Continue with your therapy, work on your self, discover your boundaries and defend them. Look for posts on here by Tatteredknight. Check out the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and there is a very helpful forum for guys in situations similar to yours based on the psychology of this very helpful book.

Divorce is an option, but I feel like I owe it to myself and my vows to try everything I can think of to solve this first. The problem with this is that I am confident ni my own abilities to handle A wide range of things and sometimes bite off more than I can chew. This led to me trying to manage the relationship for a good 5 months, which ended in my own personal emotional mini-crisis. It disgusts me to think of it. My therapy has definitely helped me with solving the Me part of the problem.. I will check out those things you referenced.