Do you really think an HPD, will ever be truly happy?

Well, maybe yall have a point. HPDs just don't think normally, nor are they confined by guilt, remorse or conscience. Well, my wife certainly isn't.

Just had a conversation with her. Speaking of gaslighting, she has rewritten history (as well as basic moral behavior) to where she is the pitiful victim, despite rampant cheating, backstabbing, pathological lying, uncontrolled impulse buying, "never finish anything I start", and general complete laziness.

I feel the pain of the divorce, but it will also bring some sweet relief.

Bottom line...they may be happy, in their own sort of way. But I don't think they are ever fulfilled or content. So if they are happy, it is because they constantly seek it, buy it, chase it. I think its proably a neverending search but I don't pretend to understand.....

I don't think you're going to be very happy as long as you identify yourself as "non-HPD".

Wise words!!!! We are all in recovery, for some reason.....

What's your reason for being in this site JUSTINT? Just interested?

okherewego wrote:

I don't think you're going to be very happy as long as you identify yourself as "non-HPD".

Wise words!!!! We are all in recovery, for some reason.....

What's your reason for being in this site JUSTINT? Just interested?

Older and no better off for it, unfortunately, even if a little wiser. I came here originally in response to this thread. I believe my encounter with Disingenuous HPD may have been a set-up. The topic of that other thread is a frustrating problem: false leads and false explanations for it abound; it leaves us with many different psychological issues to deal with and at the same time a deep and well-justified distrust of the mental health profession, because of their shamefully poor knee-jerk response to these issues.

to Everyone.....

I honestly hope so is my answer to this question. I am searching for what truly makes me happy other than my children.

It is very hard to be happy when there is such doubt and distrust in the back of my mind. I mean I constantly always have it in there that "i'm gonna be had". And I always try to be one step ahead of what is going to hurt me. In the process, I push away and make small accusation to put distance between myself and him even after 2 decades of him never really doing ANYTHING that would alert me that he would ever be interested in someone else. Oh, I can find things to "rib" him about and THAT ribbing can turn into a whole big blow up if I let it, and then all in my mind I knew there really wasn't anything to begin with. It is almost I convince myself he HAS to be up to something because he is going to hurt me.

It gets old and I hate doing it. I will say that I DO feel uncomfortable with him around other women. And it doesn't even have to be attractive women, it can be someone that I know wouldn't hold a candle to me, but I can twist it so that I put it out there that I don't trust him. And of the two of us, in this many years I am the one who has put distrust in our marriage.

I did used to dress provacatively just basically because I thought ALL MEN LOOK and if he is going to look, he better be looking at me. In that process.. it never occurred to me just exactly how much attention I would draw to myself by OTHERS. But it didn't matter because HE should not ever look at another woman and I was determined to show him that I could do what I wanted and he couldn't "control" me as my father did my mother.

But a few years of this and fighting horribly, and I thought this was normal for a marraige. Even in dating we began fighting early on and in my mind it made me feel SAFE in the fact that we fought and he still stuck around. Now how screwed up is that? It wasn't for the fact that the guy eat slept and breathed me and couldn't stand to be away from me, and wrote me letters ( before email) of how he missed me and couldn't stand to be away from me, but it was the fighting that made me know he loved me enough to stick around. CRAZY I KNOW!

We when we had our first child, I knew I wanted better for her and didn't want to have her grow up dysfunctional like I had to and I made some changes. And slowly have made better changes.

BUT I STILL have that uneasy feeling that I get when I think my "potential happiness" can be threatened and I push and push to "prove" to myself, yeah, I always knew he would hurt me. But he still hasn't given me reason to think that he would really ever hurt me.

So when I feel uneasy or I'm having these doubting moments, I TRY to talk myself out of it. I TRY to see what is real and not what "MIGHT BE" lurking around the corner.

You know the line in a song, Love like you've never been burned? well I try to do that. I try to put my whole self into loving, but I just can't quite make it all come out. With my kids it's no problem. I love them and I don't doubt they love me. There is no question that the love is reciprocated. I absolutely love being a mother even in all the hectic crazy busy schedule we get between three kids with 2 teenagers of the 3. I know they will ALWAYS know their mom loved them with her whole heart not matter what and gave everything thing for them.

Now If I could just get to that point with my husband of the fully trusting in his love. Don't get me wrong, we have a good marriage and there is lots of love, but if I could ever fully get to the point where that doubt doesn't linger in my mind to not trust his love for me, I think I would be blissfully happy.

But having HPD traits, I'm not sure I will ever be at that point of never having that. I am hoping so, and that is what I am working toward. It is a struggle sometimes, but I'm not giving up.
S