Interesting twist - she is going for help

Well, spoke to my ex last night and we had a good chat.

It appears she is depressed over our breakup and her claim that she was having an affair with a married guy was a lie. She only tried to make me jealous. She spoke about how tired she was of going through relationship after relationship and feels sad and maybe she needs some help. She says she has no clue why she does the things she does and recognizes she chased alot of good men away and hurt them.

I expressed to her that I thought she may have a personality disorder, based on some issues she never dealt with while growing up. She agreed and informed me she tried to commit suicide in her very early 20's' and then seem to shut down from there. Her father was abusive and a womanizer. Maybe, NPD.

I told her I forgive her, provided she seeks help from someone that specializes in personality disorders and sticks with it. I expressed to her, I don't want to have a relationship with her, but will listen to her as a friend, during her therapy. On condition, she allows me to speak to her therapist. If not, want nothing to do with her at all. I believe she has hit a low, as she is getting older and alone. I think she understands she has issues.

Well, we will see what happens. Hard to turn your back on someone, if they truly are trying to help themselves. Hopefully she following through. Sure sounds like it, but they lie so much, you never know.


Has anyone else dealt with this?

okherewego:

There is a tendency on this forum to act as if all HPDs are alike, but posts like yours show how different they are even while sharing so many salient traits.

My HPD-ex, for example, just about freaked when I sent her a list of HPD characteristics with the request that she read through them. That's all I asked her to do. In our last weeks before the final break-up I was tearfully rebuked for having said she had a "disease."

On the other hand...I wonder if this isn't the final hoovering strategy that HPD's use when they realize they're going to completely lose a lover or fan club member. My HPD-ex, for example, is still sending plaintive emails and texts every now and then. But when she realizes I won't be hoovered, she could very well come out and say, "You're right, I am HPD, hold my hand while I go through the treatment..."

So be careful, okherewego.

Hi Camptom,

I hear what you are saying and not sure what to think. She lied so much. The first time I mentioned therapy, she hung up on me. I have never mentioned disorder before or got into details. This last call, I didn't get into detials, as well. Not really my place to do so. I Just mentioned she might have a disorder problem, due to her upbringing, this time. I treaded lightly on that, than to full out say she was disordered or get into details. No point, as no one wants to hear that. I presented it more as a suggestion , that it is something she might want to look into.

I really have no clue, what the issue is, but seems to me she might be disingenuous histrionic, based on her behavior. We will see. Really, these disorders or mental disorders are complex, thus it really takes a professional. I can only guess, from what I have read.

Since our breakup, I have spoke to her very little. Just a couple phones calls and a text. I have blocked her from being able contact me most ways. Plus was not receptive to her contact and spoke to her in an indifferent manner.

I think in her past most guys would have begged to get her back. I basically abondoned her due to her threats. She is in her late 40's and might be mellowing and a new supply is not as readily available. Not sure. I assume she is between, soul mates and her married guys have finished using her for sex, as well. Who knows. I didn't go into it and keep my conversations short. I have heard though they may possibly seek help after a failed romance, that meant something. Usually for depression though. I was surpirsed she was receptive to personality therapy.

Anyway, I have no trust, but for my own sake it will be interesting to see how it turns out. Check out my own theory! lol

My relationship with her was only six months, so I don't feel the deep attachment others feel on here. I don't feel addicted and have no interest in going through life with someone that has issues. Sex is sex, if there is no emotional attachment. I am not interested in that. I also have no financial ties and children ties to this woman.

However, you are right, I need to be careful because of her past threats and lies. I won't turn my back on her if she is serious though. The only way I will do that, is if I can confirm she is actually going to therapy and stick with it. In that case, I will be a willing ear. Odds are though, as you say, this is just a ploy and more lies and an excuse to try to draw me in. We will see!

Thanks for the feed back. Is there anyone else out there that has dealt with an ex-partner that actually did seek help?

OK

Word of caution. Don’t be surprised if she does a 180 on you and suddenly you are the one with a PD. When us Nons shut them out, they tend to become real introspective and receptive to advice/help. But as soon as they think we have been hooked again… BAM! Of course, I’m speaking from the perspective of BPD, not HPD. But they are in the same “family”.

The most important thing is to take care of you.

Hi 2L48Me,

I agree with you. Probably a pile of crap on her part.

I do this more for me more than her. If she follows through, I am interested in her diagnoses. Not that important either way though. Just curious. Doesn't change what happened in the past. I won't forget that.

OK.

I'm glad to hear it. Sometimes, when I write things like that, it's a reminder to myself too. If my uBPD husband were to tell me he was finally seeking treatment, I know I'd get my hopes up. We are in this boat together and have to help each other through. Keep us posted. I hope, for her sake, that she really does follow through and stick with it.

Hi Okherewego,

You seem to have things very under control. I'm working on getting to that point too.

I hope she really is serious about getting better. You may be able to get the closure most people on this forum, including myself, keep looking for. Keep us posted, it would be nice to hear a story of someone actually overcoming their disorder.

Hi Apollo,

Well, I hope she follows through as well for her sake, but I don't really need it for closure. So what ever she does, doesn't really matter. However, it would be interesting to find out. That is about as far as it goes for me.

She threatened me and my kids, that was enough closure! lol I need no further reason to question my decision to dump her ass! lol You fall out of love and loose respect for someone when they do that. Again, though, I assume something was terribly wrong with her, to do what she did. She does have issues. Poor thing. What a terrible way to be.

Will keep you posted, but doubt she will follow through. We will see. I assume it was just a ploy, to talk to me. I think she does realize however, the relationship is over forever, thus a waste of time to talk to me anymore. I doubt I will hear from her again. I hope not...I just prefer to get on with life, without her in it. However, being the compassionate human being we are, hard to turn your back on someone, if they truly want help.

OK

Hi Okherewego:
Cautiously I say this is great news. However i agree with the comments about the 180, these ladies are just so unpredictable. My X went for therapy, she was all into it, it lasted a few weeks, and then suddenly she stopped in order to buy a flat (don't look for a relationship here, there isn't one other than financial...!). Make sure actions correspond with words over time. You must hold her to what she says.

Good luck,
Musician

I agree Musician. Especailly the part about the 180 and unpredictable.

In hindsight, I should never have opened the door a little. The curiousity factor got the best of me.

If it was just the cheating and lying, I would be ok with supporting her. It is not that I am afraid, I might be drawn back into a relationship, it is the fact she already threatened me and my kids. That is different. I have been reading up on this ASPD and believe she is the worse type of HPD. Disingenuous histrionic. Not good. The ASPD side is very scary and unpredictable. I believe that explians the reason for the threats. It was so out of the blue and shocked the hell out of me. I worry, that this might come back to bite me in the ass again. IE. unpredictable and 180! aaagh!

I think if she contacts me again, I will just wish her the best of luck and request she not contact me again.If she is serious, I do hope she can get support elsewhere. God, we humans are too forgiving at times, we can be our own worse enemy. I am hoping it was just a ploy, to see if there was any hope for a relationship with me. I made that quite clear to her, that it wasn't an option. I assume, that might be enough for her not to contact me again. I think she will give up. Can't trust her or a word she says. I regret opening the door. We will see.

You sound like you have come along way, from one of your other posts. Hey, no regrets Musician, you did the right thing by ending your relationship with her. Painful as it was. It is shocking how they end. However, forgive yourself, for being blind. The easiest people to lie to, are those that love us the most. We just want to believe.

Nice you can keep some of the good memories. However, you still sound like you have a little weakness for her. I might be wrong. Are you sure you can just keep it friendly, if you saw her again, alone? Or do you think the old feelings would come back, if you keep seeing her as a friend? I think you really need to be honest with yourself about that, before you do become friendly with her again. One rump in the hay could lead to more and you might be right back in the same boat. Making love!AAAGH! Just a thought, only you know how you feel for sure.

Thanks for the response...OK