How do HPD women generally behave/react towards other women

My ex told her friends and family I was crazy too. As well, as many other ex's on this forum. It is their way of devalueing people, blameshifting, playing the victim and getting attention through sympathy. It is part of the disorder.

She has been diagnosed with HPD/NPD. She is disordered. You need to read about what that means. Read about the symptoms and what these disorders are about at the top of each forum section.

She is a proven liar, as you say and you can't believe a word she says. Or about the lies she probably told her friends. If you are trying to determine whether to stay in your relationship , based on what she says, than you are making a big mistake. Base that decision on how you feel about him and how he makes you feel. Is this the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with someday? Forget her, think about him and you and your relationship with him only. She is already driving you crazy.

Why would you want to be her friend?

I will leave you be and let others take over from here. All the best in your search of where to go from here.

Okherewego - thank you for your reply.

I looked back at my posts and realized I left out a very important detail - I went through a rocky marriage and divorce 5 years ago, and I have two little boys of my own. It's not that I want to be this woman's friend. I guess I'm trying to understand all of this because I would like to know exactly what it is I'm dealing with here.

When we spoke, she also mentioned that her children "speak well of" me. She then went on to talk about what a great mom she is and she's their "favorite mommy". I didn't say anything because of course her kids love her! She's their mom, she always will be. If she's threatened though, then how far will she go to destroy the relationship her kids have with me, or with my kids? How will my kids be affected by this? I know that she's already gone out of her way to alienate their dad from them. It'll be a whole lot easier for her to do that with my boys and with me.

I do love this man, and I can also see the effect that his marriage has had on him. We have talked about the idea of marriage ourselves (not anytime in the near future) and he has said that he's terrified of marrying me, then having me fall out of love with him and leave him. Right now we're just trying to focus on building a solid friendship, nothing more. I've told him that he needs counselling and he has agreed. He's been very hot and cold and I'm starting to figure out why. He's afraid to express any kind of anger with me. I had to sit him down and tell him that it was ok, but he needed to be honest with me or we would never talk anything out otherwise. When we sit down and just talk about things rationally, it works out. In the end, as a man, he is worth it.

So how do I coexist with this woman who wants to destroy me? I guess that's my issue. I was hoping we would eventually be able to come to a place where we just leave each other alone. Not friends but not enemies either. Now that I've mad it clear I'm not going to have conversations like these with her again, is she going to reataliate?

You're right. I've already let her get to me. I'm sorry, I totally went off topic with my reply too.

If you just evict them from renting a space in your head, as another woman, will she keep on knocking or will she leave me alone since I'm not a man and can't give her that attention? Will she always act fake to me or will she be able to find a place of civility?

Hey Jana,

Thanks for finally opening up. We don't know anyone on here, so no point in holding back.

I will respond in more depth to your posting later.

OK...

Jana

See brakets to your post quote

Jana wrote: If you just evict them from renting a space in your head, as another woman, will she keep on knocking (MAYBE if you let her) or will she leave me alone since I'm not a man and can't give her that attention. (She is trying to get to her ex, by going through you and using you. Doesn't matter whether you are a man or a woman. Don't let her do that) ?Will she always act fake to me. (YES)will she be able to find a place of civility? Probably not, but she can be minimized)

You know enough and have witnessed enough to try to avoid her at all cost. If you do have to see her, keep any conversation short, tell her nothing, don't listen to a thing she says that might be negative and treat her with indifference. Don't let her get to you anymore. What she says to you, should not matter.

Listen and observe the actions of your man, his friends and immediate family. It will tell you alot. Don't listen to her and her friends. They don't matter.

She will learn after a time, she has no effect on you. She will eventually give up trying to manipulate you. The game will be over and she will probably leave you alone. I suggest the same for your man as well. Be polite and indifferent. Hopefully that will work. Be strong and in control of your own emotions. She will have no effect on you or him anymore if you do.

Real shame to see she is using the kids to cause your man pain. My heart goes out to him and the kids. Concentrate on your relationship with him. In time, you will know if it is completely right for you. Sounds like he is a good guy, with just alot on his plate right now and suffering from the stmptoms of living with a disordered person. Probalby why he has lost a little faith in marriage and has trust issues. That is normal after these types of relationships end. Mine was short, I can't imagine how he feels.

Best of luck to you and keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

I know this is kind of late into the topic, but... when I was dating my ex, I noticed that all of her friends that were girls she considered to be below her. Even her sister. She would always devalue them when we talked about them, never anything good. From what she told me, the only reason I could gather then that she was friends with them, was because she knew them for so long. In our private conversations she would constantly talk about their faults, their bad relationships, how one was a bad mother. Even then I knew that she really only kept them around because they made her feel better about herself, yet when she was with them she was always laughing and smiling around them. Don't ever think you are really an HPDs friend.

Mine generally did not like other females, with the exception of one or two. The attractive ones threatened her more, in terms of obtaining male attention, and she would project onto them (e.g., "She seems easy"; "She looks like she gets around"). Of course, like every other guy on here, she felt more comfortable having a slew of male friends who would give her a modicum of attention. Being the only girl with a bunch of guys is an ego boost for her, too, and gives her that attention she so desperately craves and needs for her own fragile ego.

For me personally, I have no friends- male of female. I have my little 'fan club' like many HPD women do apparently, but none of them are 'true riends' in the real senceof friendship.

In high school I had a few friends, but I ditched them all for my first serious BF and followed him and his friends for many years. It was all guys and then their GF's would come and go- I was in the group the longest, as I stayed with my XBF for near 10 years off and on. I never made friends with the GF's, I've ALWAYS found it very hard to have female friends. Not out of jealousy and competition, but more out of the fact that women genuinely DON'T like me, and I always feel as if they're judging me (and it turns out, I'm usually right- they are)

Only when I started stripping (16) did I ever find a group of women were I fit in and was really understood. Yes there was the usual jealousy and pettyness amoungst women, but for the most part- these girls were very much like me and they understood me and my way of thinking/acting/etc... I had many friends, and developed one true close friendship with one particular girl, a friendship closer than I'd ever had to any woman before in my life- she was my best friend.

But when I quit danceing and had try to live a good for my son, I ditched all those friends, male and female alike; they were a bad influence on me and many of them were involved in criminal activity and things I didn't want around my baby boy- so I cut all ties.

As I continued through life I found that my difficulty in forming friendships with women, and even healthy relationships with men in a platonic sense, and I was always drawn to the worng sort of person, or they were drawn to me- I dunno? Either way, the people who offer me friendship were not usually the kind of people I would have my children around and now that I have kids- I expect more than just a party lifestyle and party friends.

I do have a hard time relating to women. I find them to be viscious, vindictive, jealous, petty, egotistical, back stabbing, gossipping ganets. I can't abide by how they interact with each other, and the things they do behind each others backs. It just doesn't make sense to me. As much as I am apt to act to that within a relationship with a man (romantically) the rest of my life does not run that way, and I'm generally a nice introspective easy going girl.

I dunno?

I just know that I don't get along with women so I don't even bother trying anymore, besides, that world just seems so ugly to me. I'd much rather have male friends, not for sex and using them and stuff, but I because their minds don't work that way. Guys are much easier to talk to and much more fun to hang out with too.

my 2c

Hey there,

This is a very late entry into the topic... I just came accross this googling "histrionics and other women"... I don't know if you have found more clarity in the meantime and if you are still with your man, I hope you are or at least you did not quit him b/c of this HPD...

I was/am in a similar situation - the ex of my (now) husband and father of my stepson, is a HPD and she tried to make my life impossible. Shortly before I met my hubby (they were already separated for 3 years, so separation had nothing to do with me), she asked him (by email!) if they should get back together and he said no. That was a big blow to her ego. Soon after that he announced to her that he was seeing someone seriously (me) and despite telling him "oh how happy" she was for him, she started to get bunkers and tried all she could to first seduce him back, and when she realised she had no chance, to break him and me up (mainly through the little boy that they have together and her position as a "mother").

Most what has been said here, I'd totally agree on.

First of all she is very, very fake and you just can sense it, you don't need to be subtle. Before she even met me, she was already in competition with me, behaving as if she were still together with my hubby without any respect for me. She constantly tried to intrude into our relationship, called 10 times per day, when she came to my hubby's house to see her boy, she left her stuff everywhere (even once washed her knickers in his place and hung them to dry where I could see it and used to put a picture of hers on the wall!). This was all desigend to provocate me and drive me crazy and went on for quite a while until my hubby said enough is enough and told her to refrain from it...

When I first met her (it was supposed to be "mother meets new gf of father of her son to get an impression if gf is good for her son"), she was dressed up and made up as if she were to go to a beauty competition (whereas I was very natural and simple according to the circumstances), by then she had not even seen a picture of me.... the first gut feeling I had was " OMG, this is a femme fatale or a seductress or whore....and she is not to be trusted".... and I found it quite disturbing.

Well, after that our "relationship" was characterised by her not being able to have a normal decent conversation with me (allthough my hubby told me that with other people she can talk for hours...). Everytime I met her, she looked different. Different hais colour, hair style, dressed provocatively...she never looked the same twice, which I found really irritating. She also uses hair extensions, false nails, even wigs to impress. Everything's centred around her looks - she tries to keep you focused on her looks, b/c she is very empty inside and has nothing significant to talk about. She tries to use her "looks" against me in a very agressive way. Although people in general think that I am prettier than her, she'd never admit to it and tries to force me into a position of submission ("she's the most attractive, intelligent, admired person in the universe.... and I am nothing").

You never know in what kind of mood you'll find her in. In the beginning she tried to charm and seduce me, but as soon as she noticed that I did not answer her whims, she becamse nasty, hauty and agressive with me. She peacocks through the streets like a kind of hollywood star and she's "the hottest thing in town", always very seductive with everyone. I think she'd try to seduce a duck or a frog if she could get something out of it. There is ALWAYS a guy in her life - she cannot be alone - and you wonder where she gets them. Sometimes I think she picks them up randomly in the street (most of them I have to say I would not even give a second thought...).

She lies about pretty much everything she can. It's like a film story where she is the princess, everything turns around her, all the attention is hers, everyone loves her and she is so happy and so successful. I found out she lied about her salary, her boyfriends, her history... she even lied to me about my own husband (that he wanted to come to her place and see her, etc....). It's all a big act, but she tells it very seriously and I think a lot of people who do not know her, believe her.

She has practically NO FRIENDS. Neither female nor male... women in general cannot stand her (surprise, surprise) and the women she has around her are all superficial contacts, and ALL OF THEM are less attractive than her, if not to say plain or ugly. She's very close to her sister, but most of the female friends of her sister cannot stand her. The female friends of my hubby could not stand her either except one who is herself very plain, lol. And she couldn't stand the more attractive female friends of my husband (even those married, etc.). However, she'll tell you that everyone is HER friend and she will even ask people she hardly knows (the teachers, the neighbours, etc. ) to call her by her first name or even nickname...and then she will tell everyone that these people are her friends. Needless to say, she also pretends she has friends in high places (in the Government, etc.)

As for motherhood, of course, she is the perfect mother. She never does anything wrong (in my eyes she isn't a mother at all but a disaster). But tries to find fault where she can with us. She told me a few times how fond her little boy is of her, how he hangs all the time on her arms and she can hardly go anywhere without him complaining or being sad (well, guess what, it's normal for a little child...and.... he does the same with me...with the difference that I don't boast about it). Her favourite sentence when misbehaving is"but this is for the sake of my child!!!!" when her true (or sole ) motivation is to get attention and other benefits.... through using her child!

Well, I could go on and on... the point is - this woman caused an incredible amount of stress and upset in my life. And I finally found peace only by getting her out of my life. I am totally Non Contact with her now - she is not allowed my mobile any longer (due to previous abusive calls), she is not allowed to come to our house any longer. We agreed that all matters related to my stepson are to be dealt with between her and my husband, I don't want to get involved any longer (she only complained anyway, was never happy with anything). Basically, this woman is a total waste of time - she is fake, there is no substance, she is immature like a little child, she's a drama queen, she brings you down with her negativity, she only takes but never gives anything back (although she boasts with her "generosity" and how concerned she is for the wellbeing of others...) she doesn't admit any mistakes, never appologizes and doesn't listen nor learn.... why would you like to have someone like her in your life. I really do think that these women try to hurt you, if they perceive you as some kind of threat, and you can do without this negativity in your life!

All the best.

Guapa wrote: despite telling him "oh how happy" she was for him, she started to get bunkers and tried all she could to first seduce him back, and when she realised she had no chance, to break him and me up (mainly through the little boy that they have together and her position as a "mother").


When I first met her (it was supposed to be "mother meets new gf of father of her son to get an impression if gf is good for her son"), she was dressed up and made up as if she were to go to a beauty competition (whereas I was very natural and simple according to the circumstances), by then she had not even seen a picture of me.... the first gut feeling I had was " OMG, this is a femme fatale or a seductress or whore....and she is not to be trusted".... and I found it quite disturbing.

She also uses hair extensions, false nails, even wigs to impress. Everything's centred around her looks - she tries to keep you focused on her looks, b/c she is very empty inside and has nothing significant to talk about.

There is ALWAYS a guy in her life - she cannot be alone - and you wonder where she gets them. Sometimes I think she picks them up randomly in the street (most of them I have to say I would not even give a second thought...).

She has practically NO FRIENDS. Neither female nor male... women in general cannot stand her (surprise, surprise) and the women she has around her are all superficial contacts, and ALL OF THEM are less attractive than her, if not to say plain or ugly.

The stuff I can identify with. Mine was not very fake in appearance but she was always talking about her appearance anyway. Not in a haughty way, in a "I have nothing else to discuss" way. the only other things she talked about were sex(with me or others-!-), her "buddies", and her one long term BF that she TOLD ME she cheated on but now denies because the most normal thing she's ever done in her life is have a 4 year relationship with that one guy and she clings to it as an example of how she can "settle down for the RIGHT guy"(lol).

She doesn't have any standards with guys, she fools around with all types including underage/overage. You achieve less than zero pride in "conquering" her because sooner rather than later you discover what sorts of filth she cavorts around with. Her inner circle guys are usually nice guys though, because she does not want to get cheated on(her words).

Going to parties she would throw, it would be 95% guys and the only girls would be gf's of some of the guys or her ugly, slutty party friends. No friends hotter than her are permitted.

Anyways, I have read many stories like yours, on this forum but more creepily on letters from wives appended to expungement requests of criminal records for domestic violence, explaining how their felon husbands were driven to do what they did by their crazy exes.

Hmm.

I certainly sympathize with you, Jana.

I am a BPD/HPD. First and foremost BPD, with HPD tendencies. Mine do not revolve around making other women's lives hell, nor do I steal men from others. I have made out with a married man before, but I don't usually set out to steal/one-up another woman. I don't even know his wife.

But I guess I'm reading these posts to get more of a feeling for how others perceive HPD's.

If I was HPD and HPD only, because I am on a slightly different scale here (I vascillate between self-loathing and self love, with no sense of self - fun combo), then I would probably want to commit suicide. There are a lot of strong opinions from Non's about HPD people.

I guess for what you've been through, and I don't blame you, there is no understanding of where these behaviors originated in the HPD person. I guess I try to find a little sympathy for them, and myself (not from others) to give myself a break from being my own worst enemy. I have the facets of HPD that make me want others' approval (badly), and looking for validation from all external sources. But I have a long history in life of crappy things happening, some by my own doing, and some truly not.

AMP