HPD's don't like sex because they cannot feel it, can they?

Hey Airplane,

Good post. Yes..everyone is capable of enjoying sex and most do. HPD, non's....you name it. Everyone is an individual....

Most on the site now recognize that.

Welcome to the site....

So what brings you here?

Am playing tag with anti depression meds, sometimes I feel like I know more than the shrink, log programs are easy to use. Between the trials of ssri, then ssni on to Wellbu; then living with no sleep, then adding the trazodone which at least lets me sleep but with me even 250 mg zaps any chance of a sex life; $#%^ you can even have an orgasm. So trade your sleepless nights for sleep but no sex or hope that the exersize twice a day works and you don't slip up forget to do it. Of course rain means indoors or mall's for walking.

So I came to this site in hopes of finding others whom live on the border, whom might have some insight. Janey seems to be onto something but not so naive that she can still be seduced by her background. I sometimes wonder what would be a good cobo for a HPD whom has a bit Nar, Borderline and sexual addictions for flair. It's as if our brains got wired wrong and now I have to remind myself everyday sometimes every hour to slow down; don't trust those old tapes and rushing feeling I get all the time. Would be so nice to perhaps meet another HPD lady in recovery whom knows they have it and want to become better.

Perhaps the sadness I feel much of the time is not much different than the other half only I have to turn down the fire all the time. What I miss most which the anti depressions take away are the real highs from doing a good job in my profession. Feeling really close to another and then it's as if it just slips away like dew drops in the rain.

For those who really want to know what we feel in life when the rag is rung out and everyone one else has gone home. Every HPD and all those other PD's; you know who you are, I would be surprised if you don't have or have written a story like this ...

It’s always there, a place where one wrong step and I will be the only person left in the world. Mostly in my dream but sometimes during my waking hours it’s there waiting to surround me and keep me from escaping.

Once the bonds of thoughts overwhelm me, it feels like being thrown overboard with a 5 ton anchor tied to my body; drowning all my feelings and desire to live. In my past I could hide from this place; with enough food, drugs, work, isolation, sex or books; I could pretend this feeling was at bay. For a long time this had disappeared from my life and now it’s back again.

My mind is always busy analyzing every spoken word, looking for hidden meanings. My barrier is up, keeping it at bay, from pulling me in but I know it’s a constant battle that I will fight every day of my life.

I don’t understand why I have these thoughts or the reason I cannot find a place of safety. When I grow tired of fighting, it’s like a shot in the dark pulling me into hopelessness. The despair just makes me feel completely worthless, evil and hated.


There is no ladder to climb out, no one to help or hear me when I cry out. I know and have hoped one day I will be able to set myself free from this nightmare that I’ve lived all my life. That will be the day, I will get go outside; to play, laugh and giggle with all the other kids and I will get to meet God.

I wrote this about 5 years ago; my therapist introduced me to a place called Lamplighters, it lead me to a doorway to the playground and I found that the door has been off its hinges since the beginning of time.

I have one question for those whom are still looking for the door, all you have to do to see the door is let the light which has always been shinning for you into your life. That light is the Grace of God.

It’s not till your hanging by a fingernail that you figure it out; for me that happened just in time … which is of course what we all share in life - Time

airplane always on the border always on the outlook for the fog and hole in the ground

Airplane

Thanks for posting this - sometimes we forget what things look like from the 'other-side' of a disorder. Your post helped me understand a lot of things.

And.... it reminded me of this - something I used to read when I was little, that made me want to grow up to be a lamplighter - alhtough I know now that Stevenson is really writing about those who bring hope to others isn't he?

The Lamplighter

MY tea is nearly ready and the sun has left the sky;
It’s time to take the window to see Leerie going by;
For every night at teatime and before you take your seat,
With lantern and with ladder he comes posting up the street.

Now Tom would be a driver and Maria go to sea,
And my papa’s a banker and as rich as he can be;
But I, when I am stronger and can choose what I’m to do,
O Leerie, I’ll go round at night and light the lamps with you!

For we are very lucky, with a lamp before the door,
And Leerie stops to light it as he lights so many more;
And O! before you hurry by with ladder and with light;
O Leerie, see a little child and nod to him to-night!

Hey Airplane,

You sound lonely. From my empression of Normals poem, the little child in the poem is lonely.

You know, if more people on this site would help, we could give you the attention you need. We won't always agree, but can certainly listen and give an honest answer. I am not an expert, and some on here are. Be patient, please post, and we will listen...

So how did you end up having HPD? Where did it begin and how and why did you end up here...

Tell us your story..so we all see,that is what this is all about....I hope you don't mind sharing your story, but will understand if you don't want to....

To late I already did a 1st step in an SAA meeting 2 weeks ago. As for lonely, sometimes I am but mostly I am trying to slow down and not let that rushing feeling overwhelm me. I am quite lucky because of my wife's faith she has stayed with me.

Instead of being enmeshed with my wife, I am pulling away and looking for the person I use to be. I will never be happy unless I provide myself with things which give me joy. Joy can be a walk in the sunshine, dinner for 2 in the park on a blanket, going and enjoying the photography which was once a passion. So many places for me to visit and all I have to do is walk into a library and pick out a book. So instead of looking at all the negative things in my life, I am reaching out and trying to look at the positive parts of life that I had forgotten.

If my wife decides to come join me for some of that time than perhaps I can rebuild my marriage. What I found is that love is not sex and the one item which PD people sometimes make the mistake of believing; it's that having sex is the same as loving someone.

So no life history, I know my problem, I have thrown it out on the carpet and said, theres all that shame and abandonment which has caused me so much grief in life. I think possible the hardest part is looking inside me and knowing that even with all the flaws, I can change just that it's gonna take awhile.

So am I going to visit a few replies on the medication board, trouble with anti depression meds, everyone is different. I am just thankful that I function as well as I do. Many either end up dead by their own hand, in prison or walking down the street carrying their stuff in a bag.

And perhaps I will run across another on here in their recovery and what they share might give me some insight. Except for the part which requires giving it all over to God; if I had accepted this sooner, I could had more than just a 6 month coin from SAA.

I will leave this prayer for everyone, just because I sometimes have a bleak outlook doesn't mean I have a bleak life ....

Lord, turn my life into a beacon for you.

If not a beacon, then a torch.

If not a torch, then a candle.

If not a candle, then a spark that would ignite a fire within the heart of someone,
so their flame might burn for eternity.

Amen

the airplane wrote:

I'm wondering if you all are either very young or not really in touch. I have HPD but I am not void of feelings and do believe that this is not an organic problem. Someone whom has HPD can have a healthy life, as for the use of the normal, there is no normal except that it is normal for everyone to grew up in a dsyfuntional home.

And what an odd question, I am wondering if your question is more of an adversiment for people whom are not aware of HPD and or BPD.

When I ran across this website, I thought just maybe there were people out there that understood. Who either were or had developed a life which was able to keep this under control. But your posts speak of these "un" and how they speak about this problem. Almost like they are looking down, thus the word "flea's" became about.

As for myself sex is a gift from God, not something that you throw around like a toy to enjoy. Though before I had the insight to know how I got to where I am and why; I did use it like a toy with many women. But healthly people have sex, make love, role play, use toys and f*uck, have quickies, masturbate, and etc and etc. Whether your a HPD or perhaps one of the lucky few who is about 60% healthly, all people have desires just that some are healthier than others.

Jmac, nomoredreams_reality & Lures-her-back; you of all people should see how ugly it is to treat people in such a manner. The only person on here which typed words which got to the point was Janey. If you want to attract HPD's to this sight, start by treating us like you would like to be treated; and Lures-her-back you don't count, it's quite obvious that your an sex addict and HPD is just the tip of the Comorid iceberg with you.

No, airplane, I am not very young or out of touch. I'm wondering who you think you are to tell other posters on this thread who they are as a result of a few posts?

And how specifically did I treat the woman I spoke of 'BAD'? I think I said I truly enjoyed our experience. Yet, she concealed the fact she had a husband and flipped out after we had sex, so what was I supposed to think (not that I would allow an hpd suggest how I should think but just saying...).

You have, airplane, like many other hpd's...successfully altered and shifted the entire context of this thread. Another hpd who attaches themselves to God (Christianity I presume), and who does not do what the bible says.

For instance, you seem to not want any stones cast at the hpd, and yet you came casting stones at other posters who don't see things 'your' way.

this is part of what you pd's do, is try to force everyone to see things you way...using every tactic possibe to shift things around. Another hpd poster was using the "God Strategy" (makes you look quite innocent and righteous) and then turned around and was brutally honest. Didn't sound like a holy gal to me.

You speak of how sad you are, how you are suffering...all these things to elicit sympathy.

Ironically, another hpd poster here recently posted how she could relate to a serial killer.

Serial killers suffer, and they should. The professionals say the serial killers have mental illnesses (most are said to have aspd), but do you feel sorry for them?

And you, like a serial killer, kill relationships. You kill people's dreams and break up families. You kill happy marriages. You kill people's self esteem. You leave destruction in your wake, and you play "roles" that befit you. On this thread, you have this "role" to rescue this thread. But suffers don't need to see ANYTHING they way you see it. You think, like a serial killer, that you can do all this destruction in a person's life and then tell them how they should feel about it.

Sex is part of a relationship. Hpd's have funny style relationships with funny style sex life's, so this thread isn't off the wall. You're off the wall, and like an artist, you neatly came and changed everything in this thread--just like you hpd's change everything in the non's mind and "distort" reality so badly that the non doesn't even know themselves anymore.

I hope you go through all the suffering you put your victims through.

Compassion is not for serial the killers.

Once the bonds of thoughts overwhelm me, it feels like being thrown overboard with a 5 ton anchor tied to my body; drowning all my feelings and desire to live.

...no one to help or hear me when I cry out.

I don’t understand why I have these thoughts or the reason I cannot find a place of safety.

airplane - you seem like an intelligent person. In another thread you lucidly provide data to explain the difference between vision and emotion. Even in this thread, your writing comes out well.

Why then do you get overwhelmed by your thoughts? Why can't you find a place of safety for yourself? Isn't that your own responsibility as an adult?

Have you asked yourself these questions?

Belief in God is good, but it can't become a convenient excuse for passing your own responsibility selectively onto an external object for those that you should take care of yourself, especially by a person who seems pretty intelligent when it comes to explaining things when it pertains to others.

I'm wondering if you all are either very young or not really in touch.

I find this line of yours very condescending to other posters, whatever they might have said, especially from a person who isn't in touch with the understanding of his own thoughts or his own place of safety. Have you considered that?

You are welcome to express your weaknesses and question beliefs, but not how you under-handedly use props such as your HPD condition or God or the moral high-ground to put down others. I don't know if you noticed you have done this, but if you haven't, you might want to go back and read your posts and question your line of reasoning and expression objectively.

There are just too many contradictions in what you are trying to preach and what you said you practice yourself. I hope you will agree, that as an adult, the responsibility of these contradictions lie with you.

(I am questioning your posts as a fellow human being and have not differentiated your posts based on the HPD label. Therefore, my post may come across as very direct and rude. My apologies.)

Life on the border, the times when I don't remember why I am suppose to not believe the rushing in my head.

So if I offended someone, I am sorry, the BPD part of me and Nar overcame me and let Mr. Hide out. I am trying to put him asleep with the third med in the cocktail that my shrink is working on with me; trial and error ....

airplane

airplane8888 wrote:Life on the border, the times when I don't remember why I am suppose to not believe the rushing in my head.

So if I offended someone, I am sorry, the BPD part of me and Nar overcame me and let Mr. Hide out. I am trying to put him asleep with the third med in the cocktail that my shrink is working on with me; trial and error ....

airplane

Hey airplane is that available over-the-counter?

my ex loved sex...well everything apart from intercourse, foreplay was good and nice and sexy and dirty and fun with screaming orgasms...until i tried to put my penis inside her...then she would climb the walls..literally...because as soon as they have sex they think they have lost control and wont be able to use sex to get attention anymore...hes had his way now he will loose interest...i have 2 gorgeous cats and she went moody when i stroked them saying i loved them more than her lol