HPD and fate

Hi all,

I am on my 4th week of NC and I am going through a low. I guess Sofrance is right about one thing, NC is not that hard, what is nearly impossible is not thinking about her. I've never had to go through this in my previous break ups, it feels so unnatural to write someone off your life when they have been such an important part of it.

Anyway, I was wondering if any of the HPD contributors had something to say about fate: my X was always going on about it, how it was fated that we ended up together and how fate would bring us back together...or not. I, on the other hand, believe that there is no fate but what we make, which is why I tried so hard to get her back, not wanting to leave it to chance. Is this strong belief in fate a variation of her love of fairy tales or is something more deeply ingrained. Thanks in advance.

Hey I know you want to hear from those with HPD, but I could't resist. My girl also talked about fate. In one of her last emails to me (with me in NC mode) she wrote, "Im not sure what your philosophical take on fate is but I believe that some things just happen and others don’t (and there’s a whole range of in between). I know being together is not going to be the easiest thing to have ever happened, in terms of moving, living arrangements, etc. but I want to try. I have not given up on us. I believe in us."

I have no idea what this means because it doesn't really say anything. Some things happen and some don't. Yeah.

I'm also about 35 days into no contact (except for me having to write her twice and remind her not to contact me!). I have low days too, like today. I want to call and apologize for cutting her out of my life. As you say, it doesn't feel natural, but I know I can't just be a little bit in with an her. If I show any interest or 'weakness' of caring for her she will absolutely absorb that like a sponge and take a lot more. She will not stop taking and I have given all I'm willing to give (I'm trying to convince myself). Stay strong.

Thanks PM, your input is also valued. It is indeed one more example of the strange similarities in the way the HPD view relationships and life in general. I welcome other partners of HPD to give me their view.

l used to believe in fate, and l think it was a way for me to deflect responsibility for the bad decisions l made. Whilst l believe we are all born with a spiritual life plan, in which we need to learn and grow, l do not believe in fate. We are all responsible for the choices that we make, the mistakes that we make, and for the consequences of our actions. l believe in karma, that we ultimately reap what we sow, but it is not a superstitious belief. As l have begun to recover, my beliefs and choices have also become much more rational.

Coming to fate and what one should do to shape that, I wanted to ask you janey and Sofrance -

How did you choose your partners? What qualities do you admire and look for? I know janey mentioned that she went for Ns or for inexperienced geeks, but what is your attraction? What do you like in these kinds of men?

(As an N I always looked for women who enhanced my own status. I was attracted to their intelligence and beauty)

But I noticed my HPD partner had relationships with all kinds of assorted men, none of whom seemed to fit a pattern (maybe I think too logically). Most of them were below her status or intelligence or beauty. Infact most of them were in awe of her. I simply can't fathom this aspect, that how are you attracted to someone who is so in awe of you, when you are so out of their league.

So what attracted you to the men you got into relationship with? What made you happy to be with them?

And going forward how do you want to change these choices? Or do you want to change these choices at all?

Since women with HDP have such low self esteem (or is it lack of self-respect) I would venture to think they don't really believe anyone is beneath them. Sure they may talk a big game and act like they think they are all that, but it's a house of cards and it sure doesn't take long for them to fold.

The women I've known who exhibited symptoms of HDP (meaning they were scoundrals) did have intelligence and beauty. They need men in awe of them (or codependents who think no one else will have them) so that their lack of character (integrity, honesty, and loyalty) can be excused. Any man with options (or self-respect), won't put up with that BS for long.

Have you noticed that the posts on this forum by the partners of histrionics are all, without exception, written by people who seem to be articulate, intelligent and fairly well educated? l used to pick such people as partners as a means of validation. l realise now that l was objectifying these guys, using them almost as accessories, as a means to promote my image. This was not conscious, for l truly believed that l had feelings for them, but they were shallow. The "flings" l had, with the not so attractive men, gave me a sense of power. What better narcissistic supply than to have someone in awe of you? l am concerned, as l write this, about the lack of emotion l fellt at the time. This is why l will not get involved with anyone until l have grown sufficiently to be able to recognise when these patterns are re occuring. l have grown in so many ways, as you will have gathered from what l have shared in previous posts. However l struggle with the emotions that relate directly to relationships and wonder if l will ever recover sufficiently to embark on another relationship. l accept that, but it saddens me.

Have you noticed that the posts on this forum by the partners of histrionics are all, without exception, written by people who seem to be articulate, intelligent and fairly well educated? l used to pick such people as partners as a means of validation.

Yes, I did notice. So you are saying that you enter into relationships with articulate, intelligent and fairly well educated men, whereas have flings with the no so attractive ones. Hmmm...ok.

So then how do you end up devaluing such articulate, intelligent and fairly well educated men? I mean what is the basis for your devaluation as an HPD? Don't you worry when you have to let go of an attractive man that you will not find another? Or is it that you always find a back-up first?

(As an N, I used to devalue partners because I used to realize that they are not as intelligent as I thought them to be or if I found a more intelligent or beautiful person)

Hi. Firstly, your're talking in the present tense. l can't answer in that tense because l have made relationships a no-go area for the forseeable future. l also do not feel that l am the same person that l was in the past. l will answer you in the past tense. None of my actions were consciously deliberate. ll didn't go out and decide to hook up an attractive/intelligent man sorely as a means to promote my image with any conscious intention. lt just seemed to happen that way. lt is only now, in retrospect ,when l analyse my subconscious motives that l realise that a pattern occured in which l chose these types of men, and that being with them made me feel validated. ( "l have this hot, intelligent guy, and he's interested in me! Therefore l MUST be okay!") They became devalued by virtue of the fact that l objectified them, if that makes any sense. l did believe l had feelings for them but l was not loving a "real person", just a fake image of an idealised man. When this guy inevitably fell off the pedestal, as indeed he was bound to - for he was human, l became dissatisfied with the relationship. l was forever searching for an archetypal perfect man who would carry me off into the sunset - and he didn't exist. l was not grounded in reality, and existed in an idealised fantasy world. a mere image or reflection of reality. l would then continue in my quest for the perfect man. Both narcississts and histrionics are bound by their quest for "perfection" - and we are not satisfied with reality as it exists, or with people as they really are - that is with the imperfect flaws that make them human. No one will ever make the grade. We seek perfection because we are afraid to confront our own imperfections. lt is interesting too, to think about the neurological

pathways that exist in the histrionic that were discussed in a previous post. l find that when l write about various emotions on my posts, and in writing about the emotions feeling them, l am slowly beginning to feel more and more "normal". When l write about my motives in relationships, however, my brain goes into an entirely different mode. l find it difficult to verbalise things as they were, feel a great sense of detachment, or to back up my statements with specific situations. As l write about past relationships, l find that l am thinking globally, not specifically, and am describing men per se and no one in particular. l have de-humanised them and objectified them to that extent. l find their names and faces hard to recall. That must be the reason why l felt no empathy for them, for l de humanised them. When l read the posts on here, about the pain that some of the men have gone through, l am beginning to see them as human beings with thoughts and feelings, hopes and dreams, ideas, opinions, faults and good points, and can see a beauty in their humanity. For so long l viewed men as an entirely separate species. Now that l am beginning to see the beauty in humanity, with all of its faults, l am begging to move forward. l want to get to know men better, as friends, without any sexual context. Only when l can stop objectitying men can l begin to enter into a relationship.