In bed, she made me feel like a man

Something about having sex with my ex that unleashed such primal masculine energy in me in a way I never experienced with another woman. Maybe it was because she played the child so well and/or loved it rough. I suspect it was something other than that. Something pheromonal. Whatever it was she made me feel so masculine and in control in bed (I guess because that's just what I love). How ironic that outside the bedroom, she could emasculate me like no one else by one upmanship, belittling, condenscenion, cutting remarks and so on. It was truly a house of mirrors. I saw the best and the worst of myself in her. I suppose looking in that mirror is what inspires such a tremendous urge for self-examination after an encounter with someone with HDP.

As others have said over and over again, the hardest thing to accept is that none of it was real. That she showed so many other men precisely what she showed me... themselves. In this regard I never really loved her either. I didn't know her and I knew it. I revealed myself in the hopes of reciprocation and only saw myself everywhere I turned. I never really understood the whole mirroring thing, but now, writing this, I get it. How do they do it?

My emotions flucuate all over the place, from relief, to confidence at having broken free from her spell (no contact really is the only way to go), to anxiety and depression for having been promised love but denied it. There is regret and sadness as well as joy in percieved intimacy. A longing for it to have been real and the disapointment that it was not.

I'm scheduling an STD test today. After reading all the post on this forum you better believe I am worried.

Good luck with the test. The people on the board are here for you and l am sure they will be thinking of you. To have been made to feel truly like a man, and then to have it alll turned around, thrown back in your face, and been left feeling emotionally bereft is like a form of psychological castration. Please remember, it is she with the problem, not you. She has thrown back to you the pain, the extremes of emotion, the sense of hopelessness, that exists deep within her unconscious, surfacing only briefly, to be buried again under a facade of fake reality. She has thrown these emotions back to you because she cannot confront them herself. The whole mirroring thing is an interesting concept. l cannot speak for your ex, but l can explain how it was for me, and hope that in doing so, it will help you to gain some clarity. As a child l would spent hours looking into mirrors, not so much from vanity,but self absorbtion. How did l come across? Who was l? What did other people percieve? l did this because my own self concept was practically non existant. l had been encouraged by my parents to be the child that they expected me to be, and not the child that l really was. l then began to feel fraudulent, and believed that the real me was bad, because it did not meet with my parents approval. ln time, l began to normalise this fascination with my reflection and to become neurotically aware of my appearance. There was a real dichotomy going on, for l felt ugly and worthless inside, yet on the outside l was a cute kid. l truly believed that l must be ugly, for this was how l felt on the inside. l then externalised these feelings. l began to focus on my hair, which was wild and curly, and the focus of compliments. l began to hate it, thinking subconsciously, that l was ugly inside and should therefore have something ugly and visible on the outside, and that if people saw it, l would not be a liar.

...cont...l had the nickname "Flossy" in school because of my hair and because of my insecurities l percieved this to be bullying, and took it as a confirmation that others could see my "badness", the part of me that wasn't bad at all, but because it didn't meet with my parents approval, l percieved it to be bad. This was the true core of me that my parents did not allow me to express. As time went on, l took my fascination with mirrors to a much deeper psychological level and would reflect to an individual the person that they expected me to be, rather than the person l really was. l became quite adept at intuitively picking up cues as to what a person expected me to be. By now my self concept was submerged, and l had begun to believe that my fake persona was the real me, whilst all the time being subconsciously aware of another me, deep down inside, who had never been allowed expression. l was neurotically curious, constantly, as to how l was percieved by others, and would examine photographs of myself, listen to myself speaking on a tape etc. l woulld try out different personas, copy the mannerisms of people l admired, because l really did not know who l was. Some of this behaviour is normal in a teen, but for me it was pathological. The fact that my mother committed suicide during this Identity v Role Confusion stage further compounded my neurosis. l found that l got approval from men, and would take this behaviour a step further with them. l wanted their approval and so would mirror to them the person they expected me to be ; femme fatale, helpless lady, fiesty woman etc. Subconsciously l was angry with them for not wanting, or knowing, the real me and inevitably l would devalue them, suddenly turn off my emotions, cheat, lie etc and then panic if they showed signs of leaving me, for l was scared of abandonment and so l would then turn on the fake

Hi Principled man:
Welcome to this forum, and the club. Idem you, I was made to feel like a "real man", multiple orgasms (apparently real, unless she could fake neck blotching as well... ) the whole nine. 4 plus years on, I am still digesting it all, but have come a long way thanks to this forum (that i am supposed to be keeping away from these days, but what the hell... !). It felt a bit like winning the lottery only to find out the ticket was fake. You are not alone. Get reading, learning and healing my friend.

Hi Janey:
You frigthen me now that I have gotten round to reading your posts... ! What i read from you echoes much of what my X told me; that whole spending hours in front of the mirror with that difficult to answer questions "who am I really?" She had been doing that since a child, and still was when I left. That's very bizarre and asbstract for someone like me. I only ever seem to watch my face when i shave in the mornings, and only to avoid cutting myself... !

Take it easy, good luck to both,
Musician

...continued...personas to lure them in again. Because of my lack of self awareness and my consequent lack of empathy, l was not consciously aware of the elaborate games l was playing. l also mirrored back to the man the qualities he was most proud of, not deliberately, but subconsciously. lt is only after extensive therapy, self examination and by beginning to know and love the real me, the me that my parents encouraged to remain submerged, that l have become aware of these patterns. l am beginning to realise, intellectually at least, the real extent of the destructive patterns l engaged in. l was a sick individual, now making tentative steps towards recovery. From what you tell me, the woman that you speak of has engaged in similar types of behaviour, and you have to remember that it is her, not you, who has issues. Until she recognises maladaptive patterns in her behaviour and takes steps to recover through some kind of therapy, she is likely to remain stuck in these patterns. l hope that my story has given you some insight. Good luck with the test.

Hi Musician. There more l read about other histrionics, the more l know that l do definately have the disorder. ln some ways it is helpful to know that the things l have wrong with me have a name. The similarities between them and me are quite uncanny.

Reading your posts Janey, I don't know what the proper emotion should be. I feel sadness because no one should have to hide their real self. I think the following is what is so heartbreaking for people getting in relationships with people with HDP (at least it is for me): it's simply having eternal hope to be given the opportunity to love the real them (because even if it's subconscious we know the appearance is a sham - HDP suffereres refuse to admit they have ANY flaws in character or appearance - no one is that perfect). In the end it is people's flaws that attract us to them, that really allows us to love them and experience true intimacy. Holding out that just maybe she will finally crack and I will experience this wounded person in their "nakedness" and be given the privledge to give them the unconditional love they so desperatly need and desire.

Of course, for the codependent this hope comes from a place of lack rather than abundance and with strings attached. It is the codependents own disordered attempt to recieve validation. Everyone needs to provide themselves with their own unconditional love (or maybe it's better if God is given that job) so that the love we then give to others flows from a place of abundance rather than becoming some covert contract for getting our needs met.

Hey Musician,

I've been reading through a lot of the old posts and you are like a legend to me. I can definitely relate to everything you write.

l am not "like a legend". l am just like everyone else on this board, learning, making mistakes, discovering, and just trying to tell it like it is. l am learning so much from everyone on here, and from your posts and experiences, and finding in ths forum an honesty that is sadly lacking out there in the "real world",with everyone focused on their own concerns and @@@@ anyone elses! l often wonder if the entire human population is disordered in some way! (l hope so for if l do eventually work as a therapist l will never be out of work! - joke) That's all l'm doing, when l post here, just trying to tell it like it is. That for me is therapeutic. l find it rewarding when someone comes out with a positive response to a post, but it is far more rewarding, l am discovering, to realise that l am beginning to feel a compassion that is real and genuine for the people who post on here. lt feels like a community and l am beginning to unconditionally accept peoples perspectives when they post on here, even when l disagree, and in doing so l am learning how to accept myself unconditionally. lt is me who should be thanking you, and all the others.

Hi Principled Man:
I was a legend of foolishness perhaps; but I feel way over the worst, now that I understand more about this style of personality and why my relationship ended in a blaze of ashes. Once you understand the "why"; the enigma of the personality type and why it is ultimately destructive in relationship building is removed, allowing one to see some sense in all that happened. I think once one can feel neutral again about their X, the worst of the battle is over. One needs to know "why" to get that far. Its whats necessary to turn the page on the receiving end in my opinion .

Good luck,
T