HPD's sex life

l was extremely lucky in that l didn't contract an STD. l was in total denial, scared to go for a test, believing that if l put those thoughts to the back of my mind, the problems would go away. Huh??? ln doing so l was putting myself and other people at risk, literally playing with lives, for pull blown AIDs is terminal. l recently watched a horrific TV documentary about full blown syphillis, and it showed the full extent of it, people's faces being eaten away by lesions. Truly shocking and unbelievable. Syphillis, though rare, still exists today. l must have had an angel looking after me, because l did not contract anything. l could so easily have been attacked, even murdered ,and to have placed such little value upon myself and other people is a sign to me of the seriousness of this condition. l would liken it to an emotional cancer. l do worry about today's society, the overt sexuality being shown on music videos, the attitudes towards sex and the ways in which todays young teens and pre teens are encouraged to value looks over everything. You see it in the TV dramas, the comedies, the movies, the magazine;, beautiful, plastic people with perfect teeth, fake hair, fake tans, fake manicures. Women do, and should, take a pride in themselves and their clothing, but not to the extent that they believe that appearance, and appearance alone, is what defines them. lt has become overtly sexual today, and with the pressures of modern society, so many pre teens are being bombarded with media images and pressures that could, potentially, reinforce any latent histrionic or narcissistic tendencies that they may have. A histrionic personality per se (not the disordered version) can actually be a good thing, for these people can be artistic, creative, extravert, charismatic and amusing, but when these qualitiies become pathalogical they are dangerous. lt is scary that HPD has apparently been removed from the 2010 DSM manual. (l do believe that all cluster B's should be considered to be part of a Cluster B spectrum, because of the overlaps that occur, but to remove HPD altogether is a scary prospect. Many people,exhibiting symptoms of HPD disorder will not know they have a disorder, continue with their damaging and destructive hehaviour, which will be seen to be normal. HPD as a disorder will become more common, and the effects will leak into society. lf people like myself and the people posting on this board continue to tell our stories, we are making small stepsin raising awareness.

This set a pattern for me and l began to equate sex with pleasing a guy, and if l pleased him enough, he would approve of me and love me. l was praised for my looks and attracted the kind of guy who would objectify me.

A point to think about janey, in your journey of self-discovery -

I feel that all Cluster Bs, including an HPD, not only objectifies others or gets objectified, but actually objectifies herself/himself.

For HPDs, the repression of genuine emotions and the usage of looks, body, sex etc. to get attention and validation is a form of self-objectification. It is as if you think of yourself as a commodity which you use to bargain your needs with another person. Its a transactional relationship. And when you self-objectify and offer yourself upto a man (or woman) its is but natural that you will be objectified by this person too.

On the other hand, if you think yourself like you say -

Women do, and should, take a pride in themselves and their clothing, but not to the extent that they believe that appearance, and appearance alone, is what defines them.

... then you are seeing yourself as a complete human being with intrinsic value, worthy of self-respect and therefore worthy of respect from others. By treating yourself as a human being, you get treated by others similarly.

This is why one needs to get into a relationship that is equal and involves reciprocation, one where each is a human being with intrinsic value, one where each can love themselves and love the other.

By offering yourself up as a commodity or object to bargain and transact your needs, puts you in a market situation of demand-supply, where its becomes a transaction of one-up-manship to see who profits more from the transaction. This is why in such a transactional relationship, emotions are fake and manipulative, and instead of love its about cut-throat competition.

Love a person for what you like in that person and who that person is. Don't love a person for what you can get from that person.

(- My understanding from my own journey in self-discovery)

That is the secret! To love a person for what l like in a person, and for who that person it, and not to love a person for what l can get from that person. l will copy those words for my diary as a constant reminder. Yes, l did objectify myself, and sex was for me something of a transaction. l admire your wisdom. l am going to continue in my journey of self discovery, and learn, not just to love myself, but to accept myself too. ln order for me to begin to comprehend this thing that the nons term as "love", l must first of all learn to love myself, and in order to do that l must begin to know myself.

Hi Janey

I just wanted to also congratulate you on a great post. I havent been on the forum for a while, its something I tend to come back to every now and then. I had a relationship with an HPD, I loved her but all the behaviour, that you describe so well, was happening to me. My relationship was typical in that after the first two years I was devalued but never told, just left to put up with whatever was going on. Then I was re-valued but by this time I knew something was really wrong with her. It was at that time I discovered this forum. We went along for another two years after that, me thinking I could handle it now that I knew what an HPD was. I went through a stage of thinking, its not her fault and really tried to have a relationship whereby I would never get upset with what she did. I told her that if she had someone else in her cross hairs I would get out of the way and let that develope. The only thing I asked for was honesty. To be told and not deceived. That way we could still remain friends, she has some wonderful other qualities. But as I now know, its not in her nature to be honest about anything. Of course the inevitable deception happened and it hurt so much.. So now I'm in a NC situation, its been about two months. Reading your post helps people like me an enormous amount. It reminds me of why I have to stay away even though I dont want too. I have to admire your level of understanding of your condition and your honesty about it. I would think that most Nons on this forum are wishing their own HPD's could be so honest, I know I am.

Thanks x

Hi. l have just been talking about honesty in the thread "About Remorse", and found myself getting rather confused! Honesty is the most difficult thing for an HPD, when everything around her is a sham, and she herself has lost sight of the truth. l believe total honesty and uncovering the real self are the keys to managing this disorder, for only then can empathy emerge. lt is so easy to become embroiled in the artificial sense of truth that exists in someone like myself and to become confused yourself about your own realities. The only answer really is no contact. Yes, that is painful, but it is far healthier to go through a mourning process, (mourning processes are within the normal human range of experience and normal brains are equipped to deal with them, painful as they may be) than to remain in a situation in which you are contiunally de-valued, invalidated, unheard. These are out of the normal range of human experience and can potentially lead to post traumatic stress, negative ways of looking at yourself, a fake reality - the very things that created my disorder in me! To remain in such a situation can damage your own personality, your sense of self and can cause you to be contaminated. l am by no means recovered, but am at least gaining some insight into this disorder and its effects and am becomming aware of my thought processes, the ways of viewing the world that histrionic people have and how maladaptive these thought processes are. l am a different person to your ex, but in reading through the posts l am realising that we are all strikingly similar, scaringly so. ln college l was taught to value each person as an individual, and that is true to an extent, and stereo typing can be dangerous, but the wiring in our brains caused by past experiences creating neurological pathways, is similar.

Oh Janey honey, you needn't apologize to me or anyone else on this board for yourself or all the HP's out there in the world. Your candor is extraordinary and I hope your time on here is as healing to yourself as it is to the non's. I would imagine that many of the nons on here, like me, are wishing their HP would have had such an epiphany as you've had. All of us on here, including the HP's, do share one common goal, that it's important to learn from the past and not to repeat old habits, whether it's dependency or destructive issues. You'll get there, we'll all be pulling for you!

In my experience from my relationship my ex hadnt slept with many men at all.

She was 31 and had only slept with 6 people, I have no reason to believe otherwise. Whilst she loved attention she was very very scared about catching anything and very paranoid about sexually transmitted infections.

Plus she had long term relationships which took her a while to get bored and move onto the next guy.

Furthermore, as her family live on another continent she always wanted to be accepted into other peoples families so I think this was always a reason to stick around with someone.

Not being the prettiest I dont think she was "chosen" by most guys either.

IMO as HPDs have low self confidence and low self esteem they are not very likely to instigate any contact with men they dont already know. If a man approaches them fine but they are not going to instigate anything as they fear rejection.

Men "friends" i.e. easy sources of attention are the major priority. They are also easy to flirt with and they know they will be responsive.