About remorse.......

To my mother; l was wrong to scream and shout at you when you were alive. l wish l had understood that you were ill and that it wasn't your fault you couldn't physically do more. l was always so angry with you for being ill and saw it from my perspective, and not yours. To my father; l forgive you for your verbal abuse because l realise that bitterness will not make me a better person. To Anna; l called myself your friend and yet l slept with your husband and flaunted it in your face. l was a complete bitch and there are no excuses. You must have cried and been so hurt and it was me who caused your pain. To Ray, my old boss; You were trying to run a successful business and my absences and attention seeking dramatics caused so much disruption. l should have been dismissed. To Pat; l slept with your fiance and you never found out. l would pretend to be your friend and yet l decieved you. lt was many years ago and you married someone else so to tell you now would serve no purpose, but l really am sorry. To Jackie and Cath; you both dropped me as a friend on separate occcassions and to this day l don't know why. l take responsibility though, for you are both kind and spiritual people and would not do that for no reason. l am sorry for not having the empathy to see what l had done wrong. l know l revelled in the praise you both gave me and manipulated things to be that way. l am sorry for taking and not giving. To Ken; l am sorry l flirted with you when l was dating your best friend, for causing a rift between you. To my kids; l am sorry l was not always there for you when you were growing up, for not always being responsible. That you love me and are my best friends means so much. To Sharon; l call myself your best friend yet l have felt so much envy towards you. l am sorry. l am beginning to cry as l write this, maybe l am beginning to at last emotionally.......

....cont....feel something that resembles remorse. l hope so, because l do not want this condition. l want to be a part of the human race, to feel as they do, think as they do, love as they do. l am crying now, and it might be a shallow short lived emotion, but it's a start. l have been a horrible person. l want to get better, l really do.

Well done.

Can't say I've seen a post like that on this forum from a HPD before.

ln the short time l have been posting here l have learnt so much. l came a long way in therapy but my journey did not end when the therapy stopped. lt is an ongoing journey. l have been reading through some of my older posts, which were written only very recently, and can see a shift in my attitudes in that short time. ln one of my posts about what happens to histrionics over time l came across as very defensive, saying "l am histrionic and l certainly have a conscience", yet l was trying to justify my behaviour by blaming it on my disorder. There was no justification. l have to take sole responsibility for my actions, for only by doing so can l truly see the consequences of my actions. l am trying to establish the precise reason why l feel little emotional connection to the things l did wrong in the past. My conscience can be quite selective. For instance, l would never steal, attack a person, or be cruel to a child or animal. l am considerate to my neighbours, help old ladies carry their bags. l help my daughter to the point where she takes advantage of me. l am kind to my grandchildren. l am socially responsible. lf l were to do any of these things l would feel tremendous remorse, yet in the past l have manipulated people, cheated on partners, ousted those who got more attention, sabataged situations for my own benefit - and felt no remorse at all. There is a real dichotomy here and l want to work out why this is so. By publicly apologisng to all those l hurt l felt that l could make a start, and l did find myself crying as l wrote those words but the emotion was shallow and short lived. lt's a start though. lt proves that, buried away in my tangled web of a subconscious, there is a shred of humanity. l want to grab that piece of humanity, welcome it like a lost friend, nurture it, encourage it to grow, carefully and gently for it is so fragile. l want it to shine, to be visible, and l knw that is the one thing

...continued...that will connect me to the rest of the human race, and stop this aching, desperate loneliness l feel. l view the world through opaque glass, seeing a vague image of how it should be, blurred shape with no definition, impressions of people. l want to break that thick layer of glass, shattering it into a thousand pieces, and even if l cut myself in the process, l want to join the rest of the world. l am crying those silent tears again, they are running down my cheeks, and l can feel the emotion. lt's not painful, it's a release. lt's not so shallow as last time. lt's not a "sentimental" or hysterically dramatic feeling. Could this be what a "real" emotion feels like? These are not just tears of remorse. They are that, but they are so much more. They're tears for me, for the lost opportunites, for the way things could have been, if only l had been different. Thank you, everyone on this site, every single one of you, because if it wasn't for you l wouldn't have been able to explore, to vent, to communicate, to reach out. l am being more open and transparent at this precise moment than l have ever been in my entire life before, and feeling a beauty in my emotion because it's real. There is a vast difference between guilt and remorse. Guilt can be crippling, even self indulgent in a martyr like way. Remorse is so much more. lt is realising, accepting my wrongdoings, taking them on board, but also realising that while remorse cannot change the past, it can provide an opportunity for learning in the present and the future. You anonymous people on here will never realise how much you have helped me.

Well done again Janey. It was one thing that struck me with my X, she said she 'never cried' - ever. Maybe she will one day and, like you, understand what it feels like, and how important crying is as a release.

Hi. l suppressed my emotions for years and years, was punished for crying as a child. l saw tears as a weakness and now l am beginning to realise that they are a sign of strength.

It really touched me to read this. It brought tears to my eyes. Repentence (meaning to change one's mind or change one's thinking) brings forgiveness. We could all use a lot of that.


Early in the morning He came again into the temple, and all the people were coming to Him; and He sat down and began to teach them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery, and having set her in the center of the court,
they said to Him, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in adultery, in the very act. "Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women; what then do You say?" They were saying this, testing Him, so that they might have grounds for accusing Him. But Jesus stooped down and with His finger wrote on the ground. But when they persisted in asking Him, He straightened up, and said to them, "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. When they heard it, they began to go out one by one, beginning with the older ones, and He was left alone, and the woman, where she was, in the center of the court. Straightening up, Jesus said to her, "Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "I do not condemn you, either. Go from now on sin no more."

Thanks for that. Although l would not describe myself as religious, l am spiritual and the Bible does contain some valid points, l remember that particular passage, about the woman caught in adultery, hitting home on some level many years ago. l do believe that life is a spiritual journey and l have embraced many philosophies, from Christianity to Shamanic inner journeys. l believe we are all guided by something that is Divine. Whether you call it "God" or a Higher Power or the Life Force of the universe, l believe that there is a greater consciousness, and that it is something that is accessible, and that it is aware of our thoughts and existance, indeed that it is because of this Divine energy that we exist. l believe that we all have a life plan, and that we can turn our experiences into spiritual life lessons. l do "pray" and have laid myself bare to whatever it is that we call God and have found it to be a huge release. l do not want to enter into any form of a discussion about beliefs on this forum, for everyones beliefs are personal, but l do believe that in repenting through prayer a person can forge deeper changes within themselves. We are all physical, mental, emotional and spiritual beings, and the spirituality within us transcends everything. No one can prove or disprove the existance of a God or life after death, but our spirits are real. They are the essential parts of ourselves, that are much deeper than our life experience or outer selves or our disorders. lt is within our spirits that we feel a sense of connectedness and wholeness, where our true purity lies. We are all, no matter who we are, essentially worthy and beautiful.