About remorse.......

Here l am again, posting. This particular thread is becomming a means for me to lay myself totally bare and be more honest than l have ever been in my life, and it is only through honesty and confronting my shadow side that l can ever hope to recover. In order to do this l must be brutally honest and examine my motives at all times. Posting here is really cathartic, but l must ask myself if by posting regularly l am seeking validation and attention. "Hey, look at me, look at how far l have come, everyone read my posts!!! l will take over the board with my wonderful wisdom. l wonder what so and so on the board though of my last post?" etc etc. l am genuinely trying to heal, but am l revelling in it? ls my posting on here in itself histrionic? l have had to ask myself that. All l can do is to try to be brutally honest. ls the fact that l am aware of this part of the healing process? Do you other guys think badly of me? Is that question in itself histrionic? What l do know is that here, l feel a real sense of community, or is that just me believing relationships to be more intimate than they really are? l am feeling so confused just now. Am l really recovering or is that a pretence? ls the new me that is emerging just another fake persona? Am l wallowing in dramatic, histrionic self pity? Am l histrionically looking for reassurance? ls this all just another fake role playing exercise? ls my confusion healthy or not? My therapist once said to me that l am riddled with guilt, not remorse, guilt. ls this unhealthy guilt speaking? lf l were to say, okay, guys, this is Julie (my real name), l am a horrible, vindictive, fraudulent person with no morals or scruples, kidding myself into thinking l am good, would that be my low self esteem speaking, or would it be the honest me, healing because l am aware of it? ls my confusion now a sign of my fragmented sense of self? Am l, at this moment, maybe just

...being a little dramatic? Should l quit posting on here and maybe not think about my disorder for a while? Should l re-enter therapy? Should l ask you guys for advice, or would l be overly dependant if l were to do so? l don't know what is real and what isn't. Maybe l should trust my own sense of reality, but so far it has always been fake. The fact is, l know that whilst my disorder cannot be cured, it can be managed. l can gain a better perspective through reading through this forum, whilst also trying to not become overly dependant upon it. There it is. l have vented. l am now going to log off and browse through Facebook for some harmlessly histrionic light relief!! Time to switch personas and put my Facebook face on.

To Janey:

Something you said in your post interested me, so I must ask you the question:

How do you know you really have hpd?

What led to your test, was it a competent therapist, and have you sought a second opinion?

You know, a long long time ago...a lady I know was misdiagnosed with having a form of cancer in a specific area. Now, after the false diagnoses, she felt "pain" in this area, felt different all over...and yet, nine months later it was interesting to know that the Doctor was wrong--as were the test.

Yet as I remember it, she was altering her thoughts and feelings to be congruent with a condition she never really had.

How do you know you have hpd?

You know many have isolated "traits" of all the pd's...but how do you know you're an actual hpd?

You don't seem like one, and ironically you haven't switched yet...which, if you were an hpd, I would have expected by now based upon the feedback you've gotten...because you could play a new role.

It is true you don't know me, but how do you know, how do you really really know, you have hpd?

And since women have been cured from bpd (I'll post a link right here if you want to see proof...in that one of these women is a huge counselor in the industry, and yet she now helps people deal with bpd issues). Bpd is worse--IMO--so what makes you think you're still an hpd even if you were one?

Depression...we all have it from time to time.

There is an enormous difference between your post and sofrance1...

My ex is also not like you...

Much of your language construct doesn't add up to what you may think it does...

just curious, and just some thoughts...

Cheers.

My exact diagnosis from a psychiatrist, l think read something like this, although my memory doesn't serve me well : "Cyclothmic tendencies, an inclination to dramatise and catastrophise, reactive (?) histrionic traits bordering on the pathalogical, clinical depression and anxiety, hypomanic periods". These are not the exact words but they are about the extent of them. l do not believe that in my case l was born that way. l think my behaviours were learnt and that l have come a long way in unlearning them. l know that my introspection is not typical of full blown histrionic disorder, but l have not always been this way. l am a different person to the person l was a few years ago. l believe that the person l am now, and am still becomming, is the person l was born to be, and would have been if my life circumstances had been different. l have given myself permission to let this new person shine, for l was hidden before. ln my diagnosis l underwent a thorough pyschiatric assessment, completed a complex questionairre, and during my psychotherapy scrutinised every aspect of my life. During my own training l took this further through continued excercises of self awareness and through gaining an intellectual knowledge of various psychodynamic theories and the person centred approach, l came to be aware of my faulty mechanisms, emotional responses and learnt behaviour. My maladaption was a response to external cues, and reinforcing the behaviours l learnt through repitition. Maybe now l am as "cured" as l ever will be, but l do believe it is a progression. Personalities, in spite of what the text books say, are not fixed. They are more fluid, changing and adapting to circumstances, chameleon like at times. l am pleased that you say you do not believe me to be a full blown histrionic, but the potential for the tendencies to emerge is always there. l also know that if

a person is wrongly diagnosed, then a pseudo illness can ensue. Maybe this is what happened in my case, but the emotional effects were the same in that the diagnosis became a self fulfilling prophecy. This is why l dislike labels, but they exist as a means of providing explanations for behaviours, and are therefore necessary. l believe that l have grown into my real self. When l was a child and extremely sensitive, my mother, who meant well, would tell me to "Grow another skin", instead of embracing my sensitivity for what it was, a very lovely quality, and accepting it as a part of me. l grew many skins, to the extent of becomming like a rhinocerous, and bit by bit l began to shed those skins. l have always loved snakes, not the sinister boa constrictors, but the gentle snakes and have watched a snake shed its skin, revealing new skin underneath. That is what l am doing. l did one of those personality disorder quizzes on the net recently. l dislike them intensely because of the false results that put people into panic mode, and was pleased that l scored normal on it, but l would have to re take a more thorough clinical evaluation to know if l am "cured". l believe that in my case l developed my symptoms over a course of time, but that my real personality, the intelligent, introspective more serious side of me remained hidden under many layers of skin. (Edited)

Ps please can you post the thread about the woman who was cured? l would be interested to read it. ln a moment l really am going to log into Facebook, or take a bath, or have a coffee, or call a friend, or take a walk as l have done a lot of posting today and my head is beginning to hurt! .......just had a phone call from my daughter (again) with yet another catastrophe, and she ISN'T histrionic! lol

Posting here is really cathartic, but l must ask myself if by posting regularly l am seeking validation and attention. "Hey, look at me, look at how far l have come, everyone read my posts!!! l will take over the board with my wonderful wisdom. l wonder what so and so on the board though of my last post?" etc etc. l am genuinely trying to heal, but am l revelling in it? ls my posting on here in itself histrionic? l have had to ask myself that. All l can do is to try to be brutally honest. ls the fact that l am aware of this part of the healing process? Do you other guys think badly of me? Is that question in itself histrionic? What l do know is that here, l feel a real sense of community, or is that just me believing relationships to be more intimate than they really are? l am feeling so confused just now. Am l really recovering or is that a pretence?

Very important self-reflection janey, more important that any of your other posts. That you are able to think about this fine-grained distinction makes me believe you are well on the path to recovery. Infact, I have read posts from only one other such aware self-proclaimed and aware HPD on this forum - Scarlett, who doesn't seem to be around this forum anymore.

I do this self-reflection myself for my own need for validation.

However, I have started to realize that rather than use my false self to get validation, its probably better to put my honest self out there and get validation. This way, I can atleast build my sense of self in a honest way.

Catharsis it is and so is self-discovery and so why not use a support group for validation, rather than seek the same from unaware partners. That is what my current thinking is.

And a bit of self-doubt is essential (helps me moderate my N traits) and should help you moderate your HPD traits too. Introspection starts with self-doubt. And with introspection will come empathy, which we seek.

Initially you might question if its pretentious, and only you will know for sure. However, if you keep on the straight path of honesty to yourself, sooner or later, you will learn not to lose your way in the HPD wilderness.

l am back on the board again! However, at this moment in time it is where l need to be.Thanks for your input. l feel that you too are well on the way to recovery, for your posts are balanced, objective, rational and empathic, for you seem to know exactly where a person is coming from and you seem to be really knowledgable about the human psyche. l guess l am becomming accustomed to actually being heard for the content of what l say, and not for my wit, charm or pseudo charisma. People here are actually hearing me, as they are too in the real world, and l am hearing them, respecting their opinions as equally valid, even if they differ to mine. lt is a good feeling. l did attend a support group where the people were mainly borderline, They presented as "normal" people and were supportive and honest in their stories. l had expected them to appear to be more disordered, but they came across as regular people, although many had marks from self-harm, which is not something l engage in. l only attended once as l had other commitments for the next few weeks but l will go again. l am realising that it is normal to seek attention and validation, but that it becomes pathalogical when it is taken to extremes, as was once the case with me. Self belief and acceptance is a good thing and so is a healthy degree of narcissism. lt;s all about balance.

lt;s all about balance.

Right on target. You got it. This is the not-so-secretive secret

This is what separates the PD continuum from the normal.

Sidenote - I reply to you since I am remorseful too, for hurting my exes in my longer and more significant relationships (a BPD, an HPD and a dependent normal). I am especially remorseful for hurting my normal ex, since I behaved pathetically with her and unknowingly damaged a beautiful human being. Now that I understand, I wish I could change this past of mine, but I can't and I have to accept this part of me. Hopefully, if I do better in my life ahead, my past sins will partially be forgiven. That is all I hope for.

Congratulations. None of us can unwrite the past, all we can do is learn from our mistakes, realise when we have made them, and move forward, equipped with the knew knowledge we have gained, and try our best to apply that knowledge wisely.