Do we look for women like MOM?

I was thinking that maybe we marry women like our mothers. I've been divorced from my ex HPD wife for several years now but, I'm still trying to put it all together and figure it out. Today I had an idea. My mother caused chaos with my father, her siblings, her mother, her co-workers and anybody that she comes into contact with. She was always sick and has a temper that you want to avoid. That's why I moved 3 hours from her. Anyway, is it possible that I picked a wife just like mom. She puts on a fake face around strangers like she is quiet and shy but, cross her, and she becomes unglued with anger and rage. Also she gives more attention to her dogs (4) than to people. Here's an example: 3 months after my wife left my mother calls and says that she's coming to pick up my dog, who I raised from a puppy for 10 years. Her reason is that she feels sorry for him since he no longer has my wife and kids to keep him company ! She did not consider that I may need his company since I now live in an empty house. She never bonded with me, my dad, or my brother. She treats animals like people. Thus, I picked a distant wife just like her! My wife could not bond with her own children. She actually told me this once. Is this making since to anyone?

It's making sene to me. Of course, what you're saying isn't true for everyone out there, but for males who are like their father, I believe that they will likely get on better with women like their own mother. I am quiet like my father, for example, but my mother is a very loud/talkative person. Guess what?- my two longest relatiomships so far have been with loud/talkative girls who were - ahemm - quite crazy. I'm guessing that my quietness allowed them to be as crazy and loud as they wanted to be, which is the same for my parents.

I don't think this is anything specific to HPD though- do you?

I'm beginning to think so. Here's a good article. The key quote is below. http://www.planetpsych.com/zPsychology_ ... ndency.htm

"Of course, as kids, we try and try to get the response we need from our parents...at least until we give up completely. But we remain always drawn to that same sort of familiar person...an emotionally unavailable person whom we can try to get love from, whom we can try to change. The need to re-play the childhood drama and TRY, TRY, TRY to achieve a different ending is so intense, that it determines even the type of person the co-dependent is drawn to! A person who is kind, stable, reliable and interested would not be attractive, typically, to the co-dependent person...they would appear "boring." Having received very little nurturing, the co-dependent tries to fill this unmet need vicariously, by becoming a care-giver, especially to any person who appears in some way needy."

For me, I've consistently been attracted to unavailable women and a couple of them exhibited HPD characteristics. My Mom has PD and I see now, I mean just now, that my whole life she was very expressive with her words, saying she loved me and so on, but never with actions, didn't hug, kiss, cook, clean, or do anything really. I've been trying to woo her for the past 35 years. I think I finally got my alternative ending however because I ended quickly and coldly no contact my most recent relationship with an HPD. I recognized the unavailability and the inconsistency pretty quickly, but mostly I noticed my own tendency to twist myself into a pretzel to win the approval of a woman or to keep her happy so that my life could be smooth. I'm breaking free dammit. I'm going to stop wooing mom too and hold her accountable. Time to man up. If you relate to any of this you might want to check out http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/. Get the book, join the forum. If you are a co-dependent man, that is to say, a "nice guy", it will change your life. It's changing mine!

Hi, in the book "Obsessive love" Dr Susan Forward points out that people who look for partners and then obsess over them when it all ends, are usually obsessing over the "archetype" that the ex represents, usually an emotionally absent mother or father....After my first HPD experience I did a lot of research and came to the conclusion that my father was NPD, but after reading more and more on HPD I have come to the conclusion that he was in fact HPD. (Very Macho; Ex Boxer Ex wrestler and very dramatic)...later on when he got older he became a bit of a hypochondriac always complaining of aches and pains, popping pills and potions...all which goes with male HPD......no wonder I became so screwed up when my HPD relationship went south.....It's like losing the absent father all over again...or does this sound like dime-store psychology?

Mako7

Whoa Mako7. Does this strike a chord with me. I think it's my mother in my case who has been medicated her whole life (and does drugs even at the age of 62!), and been institutionalized at various times. I have never felt close to her but I have tried to win her approval my whole life. I see now that her emotions are very shallow, she can't cry, and is very self-absorbed. I think that this is why I am attracted to women with with similar symptoms so I can finally "win" my mother's love. I also think it's why this most recent separation from my seemingly HPD'd partner has rocked me to my core. I mean the amount of grief I feel does not correlate to the depth of the relationship I had with her, though the relationship was certainly intense enough. I'm really hoping that by recognizing the correlation between this relationship and the archtype, as Froward put it, and letting myself feel the grief, that is, the anger (rage), disappointment, sadness that that entails that I will finally be able to move on and establish healthier relationships with healthier people. Amen.

And I am definitely obsessing over my ex, even 30 days after I told her I was done. I wanted out and still can't stop going over her, the relationship, cruising this forum, over and over and over and over again. I think I'll be able to let her go soon. The grief, in a way that I cannot describe, is doing me good.

Hi Principled Man,
Took me 2 years to get over my first HPD which considering the small amount of time that we were enmeshed was an awful lot....I had never felt so bereft...I went to a therapist at £100.00 a time and after 10 sessions I was no further forward in finding out the WHY....Thank heavens for the internet, Google & Amazon although its taken my 2nd HPD experience to find out even more of this "repeating family dramas" stuff.
As the poet philip Larkin wrote
"They F**k you up your mum and dad"
read the book by Susan Forward on Obsessive love I guarantee you'll get a few more Whoa moments...take care

Mako 7