It Sucks To Be You

newtohpd wrote:

You are doing so well, so quickly. How do you manage it? I am impressed NewtoHPD. Share your secret!

Ha , Normal - I wish I had a secret. But no, I don't have any.

Its the same painful path that everyone else has taken on this forum that I have taken too. Infact I have used all the advice I can from all of you from this forum (big thanks).

There might be a secret, NOT in terms of WHAT I did, but HOW I did:

1. No Contact: After the initial 2 week breakup-drama, when I went NC, NOT ONCE did I break NC. This, I think is the primary thing. I notice people mention on the forum breaking NC in the hope of helping their HPD partner, or trying to get that last explanation. This sucks people in and the cycle keeps repeating. I never did that. It was clear to me that all of that is futile. As I mentioned in PMs to you I rely a lot on my intuition, and it is this intuition that clearly told me that trying to help my ex or seeking closure was completely futile.

2. Self-esteem: I got hurt, but didn't lose my self esteem. This is very important. I think a lot of people remain addicted to their ex-es because of their own self-esteem problems. I have heard a lot of people say that their ex was very attractive or that the sex was great or some other "addiction", say, the need to prove that they can fix the situation or are superhuman. For me this was never a problem. Yes my ex was very attractive, but then I can find another such attractive person too. Yes the sex was great, but then frankly, it was not unique either (infact it lacked real bonding). My ex tried a lot to make me look like a bad, abusive, angry guy and a complete failure in the relationship. But then again, I know who I am and I quickly realized that all my "bad, abusive, angry behavior" during that phase was a result of the severe emotional confusion she had subjected me too. I was never that way earlier or now for that matter.

3. Self-improvement: I really concentrated on helping and improving myself. Again a very important point. I see a lot of people falling into the trap of trying to prove themselves to their partners by trying to help them. Its an insidious hook. I avoided it. With NC I had no burden to help my ex. So I concentrated on improving myself and only myself. As you are aware Normal, I took your help too via PMs in trying to understand myself. So that was my main focus. Now when I feel confident that I have improved myself in many small but sure ways, I realize that the future will be better. I don't bother how or what she feels or if she feels at all - I mean what good will come of it even if she felt something, except give me an ego-boost, which I don't need from her. What is important to me is how I feel and how I will reshape my future.

4. Emotions and Mind-control: Finally, its all in our emotions and mind you know (the child and the adult). If we can simply become humble, accept our own failures, accept the reality of what's happening and just let ourselves feel the pain, things do work out. So I didn't take any short-cuts. I genuinely grieved the end of this relationship, didn't try to repress my emotions and let them all out. Then, when I got all my "angries" and emotions out, I controlled my mind, rewrote the whole story of the relationship and let my emotions and thoughts come slowly into sync.

Now, I am no longer angry, no longer sad, no longer have any bad feelings about my ex. It has now become my past. And I have moved on to my present and look forward to the future I still learn, but it is now for myself and my future.

Hope this made sense.