I leave a trail of destruction. I'm a HPD

27/F
I don't know if there is a level of awareness that comes with this disorder, but I feel like I'm starting to get a little bit of clarity on how I've been behaving. I read through these forums and it's crazy how predictable I am. I feel sort of gross about how much pain HPD's cause others, but I undeniably fit the criteria.

I have not been diagnosed officially. When I do go to a therapist they seem to get frustrated easily, as these types of symptoms are 1.) hard to articulate and 2.) embarrassing to admit and I find myself sort of spinning the therapy session to a point where I feel comfortable. The only true diagnosis I ever get is GAD, which is really only the tip of the iceberg of my worries. I usually only go to a give therapist 1 or 2 times and decide I'm not getting anything out of it.

My boyfriend of 5 years is pretty tortured in our relationship. In order to deal with how I'm feeling I constantly complain and vent what is inside of me. It's exhausting for him. I only get temporary relief. I don't feel like I lie. In fact, I try to be brutally honest with people. It's very hurtful to them I suspect, but it makes me feel better. In the end, I rarely sacrifice my own dissatisfaction to spare someone's feelings. He is incredibly patient with me and loves me tremendously. I "love" him, but it's hard for me to explain the feeling. I'm not even sure if I love my parents. I do not want to ever have a child for this reason.

He doesn't like talking about my feelings because he calls me a drama queen and ungrateful for the things I have. I try to explain that I feel like there is a lead weight on my chest at all times I feel so contracted and everything EVERYTHING seems so empty and pointless. I'm obsessed by trying to get to the root of what makes me feel so dead - to the point that I've read dozens of self-help "happiness" books over the course of the past 2 years. I thought maybe I could train myself to feel happy. All it has really accomplished is more self-obsession.

I cannot hold a job. I get so frustrated by the demands of others that I end up quitting or getting fired. I have 1 week left at this current job and then I'm out again. Since graduating college 6 years ago I have had 7 jobs. 5 of which were "career" salaried positions in good companies. My behavior at these jobs is nasty. I literally cannot be a part of a TEAM. I am to concerned with how I'm being treated to ever focus on a common goal. I also don't care about my coworkers all that much. I have trouble making small talk unless I'm talking about myself.

I recently confessed to my boyfriend (which he already suspected) that I have many fantasies about other men. I do not cheat, although I want to, badly. I told him about one of my more recent crushes and he was very hurt. I told him my reasoning was that I didn't want to act on it.

I feel like I'm in a weird place because intellectually I know that I'm a total jerk. I embarrass myself constantly because I put myself in center-of-attention situations, I know I'm a walking joke among a lot of people. I'm a very attractive woman and have incredibly low self esteem. I don't really know what I'm after other than to fill this mystery void. As far as emotions go, I feel like I'm either giddy or depressed. I spend so much time in my own head I feel like life is just passing me by. All of my friends and family are so sick of me, I know I'm lucky to have them, but I still don't really know how to reach out and be a good friend/daughter/girlfriend.

I try to explain to my boyfriend that I don't have a lot of control over this. He doesn't buy it. I can see why, because much of what I do is so calculated and manipulative. It's almost like I have an ability to see how others are going to react ahead of time, so I act accordingly and get the ball rolling. For example, we were talking about marriage about a month ago. I have obsessed about this since then. Convincing myself that I need to go be single, I need a change. So I got a tattoo, put in my 2 weeks at work and started relentlessly flirting with this guy at work. Then I felt "guilty" so I confessed to my BF. He amazingly was cool about it, until 3 days later when I rehash the same convo again and start crying about the other paths in my life I've never went down and my feelings of cold feet. - DRAMA. all of which was completely non-essential.

I have decided that this is going to be my last office job for a while. I at least calculated this move enough to secure myself financially and try to form a plan. I'm an artist, so I'm going to sort of take a career break and try to "fix" myself.

so the point of this post...During my time away from my job...and assuming my boyfriend doesn't kick my ass out after this last stunt, what things should I work on? Is there a way to move past this stuff? I guess I'll never be cured of it, but maybe there are tactics I can use. My best guess is to just learn to keep my mouth shut.

Its very painful because I

You left a very interesting post--

I have a question for you: Is it normal for women to lust after other men, even if they have a man? You don't have to answer if yuo don't want, as the truth is something we know within ourselves.

And, imagine for a moment, all the hot women walking around at malls, grocery stores, down the street, imagine all the things women are doing no a days to compete for attention...do you think your boyfriend also lusts for other women? Perhaps he only has not told you...?

You know men are visual creatures, and I know of many men who lust for other women...gobs of em, what really matters (in their situation) is that they don't act on it. But, obviously, because they are lusting, they WISH they could..."in part...in part".

Now, you did something interesting and told your boyfriend about your desire for other men: What would you have did if he thought it was sexy, asking you to explore new sexual situations and possibilities? Would you have gotten angry with him...or would you have considered doing what millions of American couples have already done and are beginning to do?

One point I make...lust...I think a lot of people have it and have fantasies. And, a lot of couples are indulging in a lot of stuff. This is "their" choice...and "they" like it. But it was a process that led to their decision. Anyway, you have confessed these things. There is some book out there that records honest woman's sexual fantasies, and they were just as bad as the fantasies men had.

Maybe your a sexual person...maybe you're not happy with your boyfriend, are you? Think about this too...you're getting cold feet, desiring other men, so ask yourself if your happy with him.

You know, many things I said above are because some people are who they are. A very attractive lady friend of mine was once so conservative, but then she started having threesomes, bi-sexual sex, and every other type of sex you could imagine...saying it was "bliss". And then she slowed down...but she has a doctorate degree, keeps the same job for years (was a probation officer), and now teaches at college universities as a professor.

Was she hpd...who knows? She sure liked, sex though. But if liking sex equals hpd...then this entire country is in deep sh*t.

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OK...and there are a lot of other things you said: The low self esteem. If you know you're attractive, where does your low self esteem focus on...? Why specifically can you not keep a job? You see, I think I've read that one thing hpd's can do is keep jobs and function quite well in work environments. In fact, I have read this several times and can post links to it.

You also said you leave a trail of destruction...what is the destruction?

What does the emptiness feel like?

Ah to get into it a little more, I am a sexual person, and we have talked about polyamorous relationships. Except, the thing is...I wasn't really interested in it from a standpoint where I want both of us to be exploratory, just me...and basically just to "cheat" - I just wanted permission.

With the fantasy - thing....it isn't often I fall for men, but when I do it's usually because they are stroking my own ego. Generally when I'm in a relationship the guy will tell me that I went after them. The way I see it, they were into me first. Most recently I started after this guy at work. Fantasy cheating really, but just wanting attention, to be noticed. I've had many "emotional" affairs, but never taken the cheating plunge. I at least have self control in that respect.

I know I love my boyfriend because I didn't let it get far. I cut it off once I'm sure I *could* have the person if I wanted to. It's almost just as satisfying knowing. I don't know why I'm suddenly AWARE that I'm doing this, but I'm glad I stopped it before doing something I couldn't undo. I just felt a little sick knowing I was being who this guy wanted me to be. My conversations with him were such #######4, but it was so easy so I kept rolling with it.

As for the holding a job thing...I think I have other things working against me just based off of my career choices. I'm in advertising...and frankly these people are professional BS detectors. So maybe I'm just pissed because my tactics haven't worked. I interview well and find new jobs easily...it's just that I get bored and when it is clear there are obstacles, in most cases I'd rather bow out. I also say and do embarrassing things so I flee.

Maybe I only think I'm a $#%^ disturber if I had insurance, maybe I could get a proper diagnosis. The self esteem problems stem from these behaviors. I see myself as great and pathetic at the same time. I'm shy yet fake and outgoing. I inflate my abilities. My boyfriend sees me for who I am and still cares for me anyway.

It's hard to describe feeling empty. I guess I just feel like I'm viewing things outside of myself. It's hard to find joy in things when you're deconstructing everything and dwelling on the bad. I wish I could stop, but if it isn't exciting, then it's depressing. I never feel like there's a gray area. It's always so extreme

Thank you for being more specific--

Did you ever look at the symptoms of hpd?

Just curious...

Ah to get into it a little more, I am a sexual person, and we have talked about polyamorous relationships. Except, the thing is...I wasn't really interested in it from a standpoint where I want both of us to be exploratory, just me...and basically just to "cheat" - I just wanted permission.

It was one sided, huh? You know, I've seen this a lot...were the woman (even with her man's permission) is allowed to cheat and that this is kool, but vice versa is not acceptable. I guess one thing I was referring to was if you asked him about it...I guess I didn't expect it to be with him cheating on you, in that in many cases the threesome type thing involves the woman.

I mention this because it is quite common, not to say it is HOW we should think, but it happens A LOT. Ironically, especially with couples who have been together for many years. One thing that interested me was a friend of mine who allowed it, and they both felt so guilty afterwards. The fantacy was one thing but the action was something different. On the other hand, not every one experiences guilt.

As I read you're story, the first part, I must admit I was thinking, "is this hpd...or is it normal fantasies of a young attractiv woman?" My friends girlfriend's brother is a cop, and the police engage in some "freaky" stuff. The point is...it is "taboo" but it is happening so much one would wonder...

Yet, if you want the faithful route with your boyfriend, have kept your self control, and have decided to love him and be loved. Well, good for you!

As for the holding a job thing...I think I have other things working against me just based off of my career choices. I'm in advertising...and frankly these people are professional BS detectors

Advertising...you'd think a hpd would be PERFECT for that job...advertising is full of b.s...is it not? You know, as they resort to a lot of manipulation to get people to buy their companies products.

What got me in trouble with my ex hpd is that I never saw their "aftermath" before....'the emotional cut off'. I like seductive women, women who take care of themselves, and I don't have a glib of shame admitting it. Sexual women, women who appreciate a passionate kiss, women who enjoy, "this moment" whilst we can still consider it "this moment...are most excellent to me.

BUT...dam, after things got heated--unlike a normal gal--she sort of went weird. So strange I had to do some research. The thing is, if she had just told me, "I just want to have fun and date"...well, FINE. But instead, she acted like we were soul mates along with a bunch of other stuff that was misleading.

To be honest, I'd rather we just skipped the drama. She didn't have to lie to kick it, you know?

My favorite though, is to keep creating romance, to reinvent it with the right woman...and to build. Things can get old unless you reinvent them. Anyway, you will find far more joy if you communicate with your man (as you're doing), love him, and piece by piece, to take the drama you were talking about out.

I would suggest to be clear with want you want...and if you don't know..tell him. If you want to fix something, the first step is realizing its broke. So, if you think something is wrong with you, you've already taken the first step.

Wishing you well...and in this post, with much of what I've said...just being honest. If having sexual fantasies, even greedy ones, warrants and hpd diagnoses, then the world is filled with them!! At least you're honest...Just some thoughts and MHO...

Wow i so not know what to say....your words are everthing I know now what t she goes through in life. here i am thinking that why not have her sexually while she is with this other guy that she says she loves and is so great. Listening to her tell me how much she loves him and loves what they have yet she wants to come up and spend the night with me just blows me away. i talked to her ex before me and he tells me that him and her have been talking this whole time and that they are going to get together and have a three some with him and another guy. then I here from her and she wants to get together cause her new guy is way to busy and has no time for for her. I know that when we were together that she was with him....cause he told me ....and I was with her while she was with him that the pattern is obvious. I am goiing to take her up on this....why not.....all these guys are enjoying her an she does not care. i am training myself to disregard the love for her and just enjoy the sex. It makes no sense. i am a compassionate guy and want to see her better but reading what you have said she can not be better.. Maybe i should just get out....I don't know.....why not have sex with her? why not let her pretend that we have something????? We don''t however, the ssex is great and you know what screw her if it is not me>>>>why should I let some other guy injoy it even though it means nothing. I know she don't care and that she can not have any feelings of love. it is obvios when she says I want o coame up and spend the night with you.....he (the new guy) is way to busy and has no time for me. She comitted to a hous e with him and everything ...yet now that he is busy with what he enjoys she has transgressed to want just a guy that will give her the time. I think I am strong enough to do that......I sure would like to sleep onit with her again. Listen before you all yell...I do know...she knows his schedule and locked her numbe so i can only take her calls, that way the new guy does not see any thing coming in. She is in control....I know that....but $#%^ her other ex's are having fun with her why not me?????One night every 2 three weeks naked and havingit....should I ?????? i am torn cause a am already emotionally screwed and have had trouble forming any relationship since but damn if that is the case why not....????Sex is sex Let her play and in the end as we all kow he will be on this forum too. Not my place to tell him so. You tell me maybe I am stupid....I am a good looking guy who for the most part has no problem with women yet she tears me to do what I am thinking to do. All words are welcom!!

Wow i so not know what to say....your words are everthing I know now what t she goes through in life. here i am thinking that why not have her sexually while she is with this other guy that she says she loves and is so great. Listening to her tell me how much she loves him and loves what they have yet she wants to come up and spend the night with me just blows me away. i talked to her ex before me and he tells me that him and her have been talking this whole time and that they are going to get together and have a three some with him and another guy. then I here from her and she wants to get together cause her new guy is way to busy and has no time for for her. I know that when we were together that she was with him....cause he told me ....and I was with her while she was with him that the pattern is obvious. I am goiing to take her up on this....why not.....all these guys are enjoying her an she does not care. i am training myself to disregard the love for her and just enjoy the sex. It makes no sense. i am a compassionate guy and want to see her better but reading what you have said she can not be better.. Maybe i should just get out....I don't know.....why not have sex with her? why not let her pretend that we have something????? We don''t however, the ssex is great and you know what screw her if it is not me>>>>why should I let some other guy injoy it even though it means nothing. I know she don't care and that she can not have any feelings of love. it is obvios when she says I want o coame up and spend the night with you.....he (the new guy) is way to busy and has no time for me. She comitted to a hous e with him and everything ...yet now that he is busy with what he enjoys she has transgressed to want just a guy that will give her the time. I think I am strong enough to do that......I sure would like to sleep onit with her again. Listen before you all yell...I do know...she knows his schedule and locked her numbe so i can only take her calls, that way the new guy does not see any thing coming in. She is in control....I know that....but $#%^ her other ex's are having fun with her why not me?????One night every 2 three weeks naked and havingit....should I ?????? i am torn cause a am already emotionally screwed and have had trouble forming any relationship since but damn if that is the case why not....????Sex is sex Let her play and in the end as we all kow he will be on this forum too. Not my place to tell him so. You tell me maybe I am stupid....I am a good looking guy who for the most part has no problem with women yet she tears me to do what I am thinking to do. All words are welcom!!

First, let me say, "Hell no you are not stupid".

Sex, one night stands, the first walk into a strange bedroom...are normal things many people want--they just seldom admit it or think about it.

BUT...relationship wise...you gotta STAY OUT of that man, seriously. Don't let sex get your mind twisted.

Many here would say, "You're playing with fire". But you know, those who have successfully been married for 20 years, built 401k's, and have kids and houses--then go through a bitter divorce...are playing with Fire too--

Now, PLEASE...do not take anything more than it is. You then, will get hurt, badly. But, if you know whom you are dealing with, it is easy to deal with them.

LOL...and you say, "She's willing?". Well, we live but once...you decide on what you want, and it seems you want what she wants.

The major problem being (as you don't TRY to get into a relationship with her), is the std factor. Cover that...and it is what it is.

Pardon me, but i'm sick of people acting like sex is BAD and like they don't WANT it. It makes me angry, as those who protest it are the same ones who dream of it and practice it.

Having said this, my concern would be: "You seem hung up on her, are you?". An hpd is someone you must not be hung up on. In fact, after i thought my last gal was bpd, I pulled a tactic, I said, "I love you, I love you, I love you"...at least ten times in 20 minutes. Why? To get rid of her and to drive her away, all the while giving her control, whilst I had control too.

It was better than just never calling her (we just slept togehter).

Listen, I don't know about you, but I love, appreciate, and admire beautiful women. I never let them control me, I never try to control them...as their need not be any winners or any losers...only two willing people who are living but one life.

So, you have "this moment". And after "this moment", things will change with the hpd...as she regrets her decision or what not...perhaps. Just let it go if this happens, and find another woman. Or, if she is "kool", roll with her IF you want to.

You are human...not stupid. One thing I like about hpd women is they are seductive. But, many of them talk the talk but do not walk the walk. This means even normal women are better for what you want (at least you can talk to them, get honest answers from them, and move towards and objective).

Anyway, in a way, an hpd heals you--especially if they are inept. Because, they play on this seduction, and yet they act so stupid, confused, and contradictory afterwards that it is EASY to get over them. Plus, some of them are "AWFUL" in bed.

Why talk about this here...one may ask? Well, if you do research, a lot of the power of the hpd is seduction, attraction, good dress, etc. And yet many of them cannot perform in the bedroom worth a dime. So, my experience with my last gal was that she healed me. For three years I desired her...and when it came crunch time she sucked in bed, sucked afterwards, and i couldn't wait to move on.

My only question with her was: Is she bpd? As that shoe didn't quite fit her. But then, studying the hpd, I realized the shoe "fit". I realized why she acted like my soul mate and then emotionally disconnected.

One more thing, sometimes fantasy is far more powerful than reality. IF you ever had a threesome or some exalted sexual experience, it would be so much better with a woman who has her head on her shoulders. An hpd may cry afterward, will switch, will blame, and may holler the "r" word.

They cannot be trusted. But maybe you know her better...we will all encounter the devastating seductive power of hpd's, so why not talk about it.

Just for the record though, some of them really suck in bed.......But their primary illusion is attraction and good sex. Which, according to my experience, they can't always back up (being emotionally absent).


Cheers.