I believe she has left to go stay with her probable HPD mother and I feel the (typical) incredibly huge hole in my heart I was hoping I wouldn't feel. I guess I hadn't really emotionally moved on as much as I thought I had. I had supper with a psychiatrist friend of mine last night and he agreed she has severe HPD and she has no hope of a fulfilling life in terms of what I call fulfilling, having a family, stable career etc. But he said there are millions of angry personality disordered people out there in her shoes and you cannot help these people. They have too many defense mechanisms and they will not take 20 years of psychotherapy even if they admit they have a problem, even if they could afford it. He said move on, do not contact her.
I want to text her just to check on her and ask her if she is okay, tell her I miss her and am thinking about her. I feel so horrible that I exposed her and that is why she is moving. I didn't know this would happen. I know contacting her could open a door or she could tell me to kiss off. Our mutual friends say it would open the door though.
I saw the psych yesterday, the one that has met her several times. She said I know enough about HPD that I could control boundries with her but she said she believed I was one of the few. I showed her photos the ex-HPD sent me when we first started dating and she has this devilish angry look. There are photos of us together where right before the photo is taken she slides behind me and puts her fingers up behind her head like horns and makes a hissing face, like the devil. Her facebook photo is a picture of her face staring in the camera but her left half of her face isn't shown and what you see is her glaring into the camera, angry. The psych interpreted it as someone who "delights in being evil" and she is trying to "intimidate" me. I wish I could post them. And there are photos of her where she is clearly content and happy because she is with me. Which leads to my question.
What could she do if I contacted her? What would be the harm in letting her know how much she meant to me and I missed her? Would she try and come back to the relationship and if so, how would she react? Would she act like the devil in the photos because she is now empowered to act however she wants? Right now I am in control of this relationship because there is no contact.
Thanks.
B