What would happen if I reconnected with her?

I believe she has left to go stay with her probable HPD mother and I feel the (typical) incredibly huge hole in my heart I was hoping I wouldn't feel. I guess I hadn't really emotionally moved on as much as I thought I had. I had supper with a psychiatrist friend of mine last night and he agreed she has severe HPD and she has no hope of a fulfilling life in terms of what I call fulfilling, having a family, stable career etc. But he said there are millions of angry personality disordered people out there in her shoes and you cannot help these people. They have too many defense mechanisms and they will not take 20 years of psychotherapy even if they admit they have a problem, even if they could afford it. He said move on, do not contact her.

I want to text her just to check on her and ask her if she is okay, tell her I miss her and am thinking about her. I feel so horrible that I exposed her and that is why she is moving. I didn't know this would happen. I know contacting her could open a door or she could tell me to kiss off. Our mutual friends say it would open the door though.

I saw the psych yesterday, the one that has met her several times. She said I know enough about HPD that I could control boundries with her but she said she believed I was one of the few. I showed her photos the ex-HPD sent me when we first started dating and she has this devilish angry look. There are photos of us together where right before the photo is taken she slides behind me and puts her fingers up behind her head like horns and makes a hissing face, like the devil. Her facebook photo is a picture of her face staring in the camera but her left half of her face isn't shown and what you see is her glaring into the camera, angry. The psych interpreted it as someone who "delights in being evil" and she is trying to "intimidate" me. I wish I could post them. And there are photos of her where she is clearly content and happy because she is with me. Which leads to my question.

What could she do if I contacted her? What would be the harm in letting her know how much she meant to me and I missed her? Would she try and come back to the relationship and if so, how would she react? Would she act like the devil in the photos because she is now empowered to act however she wants? Right now I am in control of this relationship because there is no contact.

Thanks.

B

Hey Bambi,

Sorry..could not help to post to this.....

I hope you don't take this too personal, I assume pretty soon no one is going to take you very serious....

You are all over the board??

I.E.

(1) One minute you think she is cheating and kick her out. The next minute you don't think she is cheating.

(2) One minute you want nothing to do with her, then next you are sending her flowers.

(3) One minute you think she is going to do harm to you and your kids, but then you want to be friends with her.

(4) One minute you say you want nothing to do with her because you fear her, plus have moved on. Tattered already pointed out that you did not move on from her. You took exception to him suggesting it. Now you say you have a big hole in your heart and want to contact her. Obviously you love the woman and are all messed up!

(5) etc.....

Now, everyone around you has a disorder of some type. You say your ex-wife had a disorder as well...Now you say even your Mom is HPD. Plus..your ex-undiagnosed HPD girlfriend's mother is HPD too? I didn't realize HPD was that common? Honestly, nothing makes sense. My opinion is, if you think everyone around you is crazy and you are the only normal one, it is time to look at yourself....

I might be wrong, but nothing is adding up. If she is HPD and you want to do what is best for you and your kids, get over her, move on with your life and have no contact. If she isn't HPD and you are the one with the issues, you just made a big mistake and probably already lost her. I assume that is why she wants to leave town. She has no idea where your coming from anymore, and to be quite frank, either do I !

Just my opinion...and all the best...

C&H

Sorry to be harsh but I couldn’t help responding to this.

Take a step back and read all your posts B. You are obsessed with this woman. You’re stuck in the “why” and “what if” of it all and it’s all about her. What about you? What if you moved on? What if you do not have to live with the drama/pretense/lies? What if you don’t have to worry about what she will do next? Wouldn’t that feel liberating? Wouldn’t that give you more time for yourself and you sons?

The people in the mental health field that you spoke to advised you there is nothing you can do for her. Even they don’t always know how to handle the disordered. What makes you think you can? Being NC, you say you are in control of the relationship. Just because you have a theoretical knowledge of PDs doesn’t necessarily put you in a position of control because you have no idea how complex her condition may be; try as you may you won’t understand how her mind works. From your posts, you are not in control at all. She is still pulling all the strings. If she is indeed HPD as you suspect, if she knew (or maybe she does know) how much you are obsessing and worrying about her, wanting her back, she would be smiling that devilish smile you are talking about and admiring her handiwork.

Correct me if I am wrong, you have mentioned in one of your posts that your ex wife has BPD. If you ex gf is indeed HPD, their common denominator is you. Could you be co-dependent? Maybe you have your own issues. Is it the PD drama that keeps you on your toes and make life interesting for you? Is that why, after saying “But at the end of the day I know she is crazier than a loon and I'm glad she is gone,” you now want to tell her how much she meant to you and how much you miss her? Who’s “she” or which “her”? Is it her “different personalities” that you miss? I do not mean to be hostile, B. I just think that maybe you should take care of yourself first. Do not hide behind “I feel guilty” when the underlying reason is you need their drama and feel bored without it. We all want to help them, tried to help them. Good people genuinely want to help those they think cannot help themselves. However, from reading your posts I get the feeling you are doing it for yourself and not for her. You seem so obsessed with her - maybe thinking you can save her, I don’t know. Only you know what you motives are. You call her crazy but you want to reconcile. Wouldn’t that make you the crazier one? You can’t keep playing the victim if you keep offering your blood to the vampire.

First of all I've never dealt with an HPD relationship before and I believe I am just dealing with the aftermath that I have read on the forum is typical after they leave. I have to admit life is boring as hell right now. Both my sons say they are glad she is gone because it is "peaceful."

I also admit I am attracted to excitement. I am the common denominator here. I now recognize that and when I return to dating, if ever, will use that to recognize red flags in someone.

My mother is an undiagnosed HPD. I have had no contact with her for several years until about a year ago. My ex-wife is a BPD. Funny they got along so well and momster was writing and calling the ex-girlfriend behind my back. So it is back to no contact. The psych said today one of the reasons I am attracted to PD women is because of growing up with crazy mom. I don't see red flags as abnormal. I am working on changing that however.

I do not want to reconcile with the ex-girlfriend. I wish she wasn't HPD because I would try to help her. I do wish I could go back to the charming and seductive person I was attracted to two years ago. But I know if was all an illusion.

Some of my postings are done at 6 am after I've only slept 3-4 hours. I can't help it but I keep thinking "what if?" Could I have handled this better? I don't believe I could have other than never getting involved with her in the first place then never letting her stay. My psych recognizes I have boundry issues, probably related to momster.

I still believe she was probably cheating but can't and don't need to prove it. She would say she was going places and not be there when I got suspicious and she cut off sex. Funny how she sent me an email two weeks after we started dating that said she had a book and chapter 1 said "to get a man to be nice to me or do what I want I withhold sex."

The flowers were somewhat malicious on my part. I wanted her to contact me in an attempt to reconcile so I sent them. When she contacted me I told her I knew about her past, said some things that confirmed it, then told her never to contact me again. I guess that was a game of one-upsmanship.

I am in control of this relationship and I am in no contact. I just found out she stayed an extra day in hopes I would call her. I was just interested if anybody here had managed to maintain friendship with their HPD ex and how did they do it. Personally I don't see how someone could do it.

B

Hey...Bambi.

You keep digging a deeper hole?

You said you had no relationship with an HPD before, yet you say your Mom is HPD?

You say the kids are better off without your old girlfriend , yet you want to stay in contact with her?

You say when your ready to date, yet in another post..you say you already dated some other disordered person?

You say you wanted to reconcile with her and tell her how you felt. You said you want contact with her. Now you say you don't?

You have more than boundry issues!!

One minute you say you think she was cheating, and then she wasn't and now back to she might have, but you can't prove it?

Good move with the flowers...does that really make sense to you. Me not!

Well if you don't see how anyone could maintan a relationship with her, then why bother? Not everyone is meant for the other. Whether HPD or not....my thoughts from here on in, I will keep to myself. You need to take a look at yourself. It makes no sense..sorry..

I am not sure if it is you or her at this point...But..everything you say, does not add up anymore.

Hope you get some help for how your nasty mother treated you...Sorry for being so blunt, but I think you need to hear it...all the best...C&H PS..What's the truth? Get some sleep and think about it...

Here is a thought then. Quit responding.

B

Sorry..but it is all from your own posts....read them. Your statements all conflict with each other. People have already tried to point that out to you . I was just more blunt trying to get through to you! Appears I have.

I will leave you to your thoughts...all my very best to you. I will not post to your threads again.

Take care

C&H

I think Confused and Hurt is onto something here... bambi, you really need to take a good look at yourself.

People point out certain aspects of your behavior which may be unhelpful to yourself, and yet you react defensively. Your thinking seems to be inflexible.

Grow a pair.

She doesn't respect you and likely outside of bashing her face in she never will.

Yeah, if she has no respect for you bashing her face in will surely get you some. Idiot.