7 years trying to figure out her game, it's true love, right

before you read below, i NEED to see a clear chart, or diagram of the cycle that HPD's go through in their relationships. I am on the 5th or 6th cycle with her now i think.


I'm pretty sure it's a game to her, she just has no idea that she's playing a game. I try to make her understand her way of doing things and thinking is not normal, she just doesn't get it... and it's my fault then. Well I'm glad i've found you guys, now i have the weapons to play her sick, twisted, sadistic little game. I loved this girl, truelly, and deeply. I just didn't understand what she felt for me. Now i think i get it more.

Right now I am in the part of the cycle i think where i was devalued, but she is at the very beggining of trying to win me back and fall deeply in love with me again.

(if you get bored with the long background story, you can skip to the list at the bottom of things that make her HPD.)


I'll give you guys a summary of my relationship first.

I met her in 8th grade, that summer going into 9th grade. I met her because she was dating my best friend at the time. Over a period of two months I noticed her noticing me. She was beautiful. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and man the juiciest most in shape booty on a skinny white girl you could ever imagine. Anyways, she got my intention on the internet one day on an instant messenger, told me she liked me and did not like my friend. Long story short, we got together.
Thing's seemed normal at first, until we went to highschool. That is where i started noticing she seemed to be "different." The first specific memory of her behavior was at the school dance, i was too shy to dance, and well I didn't like dancing. So what did she do? Dance with every other guy there. Ok, whatever - It's just dancing... i got over it.
Then comes my 16th birthday. It was MY party and she told me she was going to give me oral sex at my party as my birthday present. Comes, the party... she told 4 other guys she was going to give them the same thing. She didn't end up giving head to anyone that night, but she did make out and kiss my friend several times, knowing i would find out. I was crushed, but i got over it. I pretty much broke it off with her after that.
Then another, more popular girl became ineterested in me. Her last boyfriend was the star quarterback, she was hot $#%^. Suddenly the HPD girl is absolutely in love with me. She fought for me. SHe didn't give up until she had me, and not the other girl. I was still mezmorized by her blonde hair and blue eyes, and extremely nice butt, that i had to have her.
We lost our virginity to each other the next year, in the most beautiful way possible. We were deeply in love.
Anyways, we got together, stayed together until junior year. Time for Prom. Her parents of corse hated me, so they wouldn't let her go with me. SHe said she loved me so much but she just couldn't miss her prom, so i trusted her and let her go with someone else. She didn,t cheat on me with the guy i let her go with, no she had sex with my friend, a fellow football player. I didn't find out until two months later when a friend of mine let me know. When i approached her and tried to leave her she cried, cried, cried, and denied it and denied it. Eventually i told her i'd stay with her if she addmitted to it, and she did.
She manipulated me into taking her back, which i fell for so easily. The next year, Senior year, she didn't go to prom with anyone in order to make up for the year before. Prom passes, and were in love but things get boring. She cheats on me with another one of my friends.
So then i started sleeping around with lots of girls, just to make her feel what i felt. When she saw how easily i could get other women, she comes crawling back full of apologies, and of corse lots of tears and hysterics. Somehow its my fault everytime she cheated on me. I wasnt giving her enough attention, I didnt make her feel beautiful like i used to, etc. etc.
Yes, i take her back again. Then summer comes going into freshmen year of college. We realize we arnt going to be together as she is going away and i'm not, so we decide to make the best of our last summer together. I'm seeing a girl or two on the side, no sex, nothing serious. I don't lie to her and i didn't lie to her about those girls. What is she doing? Having sex with YET ANOTHER ONE of my friends behind my back, THE ENTIRE SUMMER. A specific example that comes to mind is i was in the hospitable for a month, and i find out she's at this friends house having sex with him, before she comes to visit me in the hospital. Has she no soul, no remorse, no conscience?!
She goes to college, we stop talking for about two years. In those two years i get random drunk phone calls from her, where she's telling me how much she loves me etc. etc. that she cant live without me. But when i ask her about it in the morning she kinda just acts like she doens't know what I'm talking about.
We finally get back together about 11 months ago. It seemed like she changed. I didn't catch her lying at all over those 11 months. Things were perfect. This time I ###$ up. This time i do some stupid $#%^. But i DIDNT LIE. The HPD was off at college so I couldn't spend hardly enough time with her. Maybe one or two days on the weekends. So i found another girl who was really attractive and i could see every day. So i tried to break it off with teh HPD, but she wouldnt let me. She seriously WOULD NOT LET ME. She would call my phone 106x in a row. She would show up at my house to seduce me sexually, because she knows i can't resist her when it comes to sex. She just wiggles that big booty of hers into my crotch area, and I am no longer thinking with the head on my shoulders. Anyways, the new girl sees the HPD girl not letting go, she she sends a few pictures of me and the new girl, naked and not really having sex, just being naked together, to the HPD. HPD loses it like i have never seen anyone lose it before. The next 3 months for me are HELL. Absolute hell. I decide that she really loves me by how she reacts to me finding a new girl, so I take her back.
Now about a month ago things were finally getting back to normal, we were finally saying i love you to each other once again, and she knew i fell for her again. Then i catch her in the first lie in 11 months. So the night i caught her lying about what she was doing, we go to the same party that night, because she said she was doing something else, but really wanted to go to some other party... so instead she comes to the one I am going to. I ignore her the entire night, and shes basically begging for attention by trying to talk to me. Everytime i just walk away. After a few horus of this she begins dancing with other guys, grinding that big butt of hers that she knows i love all over other guys. Yes, i want to break someones face at this point but i keep it cool. I continue to ignore her. So her last attempt to get my attention: i have to use the bathroom, and what do i find? A locked door. So i listen in and can hear her and one of my friends talking. Obviously they weren't hooking up cause i can hear them talking about music albums or some $#%^. BUt the fact that she was in a bathroom with a locked door, i lost it. I flipped out and started just beating people out of my way so i could get to the door and leave. This time i call her parents to tell her what a little slut she is (i know i went WAY too far)
ANyways shes the victem of corse. She leaves me. She won't talk to me for a good month. Then finally, last night she messages me on an instant messenger. I told her to leave me alone and that i've moved on and i can't deal with any more of her lies, cheating, and pain. She begings talking about her butt. She begins talking about how no one can love her or please her like i can. She says all the little things that she KNOWS will just make me lust for her. She's really good at it.


So yeah, thats where I'm at now. Thank god i found this board when i did. I love this girl, i honestly genuinely do. But the only way i can have her (for now) is to play this little game on the same level. I know now all i have to do is act like she's not good enough for me, and never admit how much her's i am. I just have to act like she doesn't satisfy me anymore, then she will make a relentless effort to do so. It's her game, im just going to play it now.

So heres a list of some things that she has in common with all the other HPDs

1. she doesn't have a sense of self, none at all, who "she is" can change on a whim

2. she has no conscience really, or sense of empathy. when i try to explain to her those things she did to me arn't normal or moral, she just doesn't get it. She doesn't even acknowledge she did those things. She doesn't take ownership of her actions, AT ALL.

3. She lies. She is SOOOO GOOD at it too. Best liar I've ever known.

4. She says she loves me, but constantly seeks the approval of every guy, everywhere.

5. She is extremely manipulative especially through sex and lies.

6. She cries ALL THE TIME and is over emotional sometimes to the point where she has no control over them, or like she has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old.

7. I try to understand her, but I can't. When i question her motives for doing things, she doesn't know how to respond. She either acts like she has none, or she just says the obvious. When i accused her of dancing with those guys to get my attention, she claims she wasn't thinking about me at all, that she was just having "innocent fun". I can easily understand other people and their motives for doing certain things, but never her.

8. She doesn't have many friends, if any. Either they get wise to her ways, or she gets sick of them and they annoy her to NO end. She floats from friend to friend with no real depth in her friendships. They go as easily as they came, and it could bother her less.

9. When I'm not around she is a completely different person around guys. She is too comfortable being flirtatious with other guys. In the two years we weren't together she admited that she was a "makeout whore" that she would kiss everyone when she was out drinking.

I don't know if she know's what she's doing or not. To some point, i believe she has to, but to another it's like she doesn't understand her actions. It's like she doesn't get that she's a person just like the rest of us.

10. When i ask for her opinion on things, or anything where she has to self reflect, It's like she isn't hearing me. She acts like I'm the one who's wrong or that i'm crazy when i ask her to think about herself.

11. She has no sense of loyalty, and apparently if she does it means nothing to her.



12. She doesn't let me talk about her behavior. When i do i'm suddenly a bad guy and obsessive with the past. We can't talk about her feelings or emotions either.




I know she's sick. I know it won't end. I know i should cut her off completely and let some other poor bastard deal with her. But i DO love her. Even if i didn't truelly love her, i have to have that butt of her's be mine once in a while.... So i'm going to try to play her game. I'm not going to believe her $#%^ this time. i'm not even going to bother with the truth anymore.

I guess I posted this to share with you guy's my story. I would really appreciate some feed back. Do i have a true HPD on my hands? What does my HPD and yours have in common? What do ya think in general? I really need to talk to someone about this who understands. Are we allowed to post other means of contact on this board? I have no one to go to. I feel trapped in her web. I fear that i will never be attracted to another woman the way i am to her. My body has never responded to another girl the way it does to her. Sexually, she has complete control over me. Now, she does thouroughly enjoy sex with me, and rarely gets sick of it. When she does get sick of it, I just don't try to do it for a while, and eventually she cycles back around.

Guy's, i have found her behavior to be almost directly related to her menstrual cycle. Too much to list here, but her behavioral cycle is exactly lined up with her menstrual cycle. For example, when she's ovulating she can't get enough of sex with me and she just is totally into me. During her period she is so insecure it's not even funny. A week after her period she loses interest in me and i know she is craving attention from other guys. The list goes on.

Please help me!

Okay I'll take this one. You're not going to like my reply.

It does not matter what her diagnosis is. It sounds like HPD to me but the bottom line her behavior is destroying you to the point you are coming onto a board asking for help.

I have been in your shoes, trust me. My ex wife has Borderline PD. I was in your shoes 7 years ago and someone on another board told me "run, don't walk." They saved my life and I have been a single father of two sons for 7 years now with full custody and she has no visitation.

I am telling you the same. "Run, don't walk." Do it and do it now.

Get into counseling now.

And when you make your break, absolutely no contact regardless of how she reacts.....and she will react. HPD's, if she is one, become intensely angry and act out when they feel denied attention from who they've targeted.

Again.....Run, don't walk.

Oh yes, she will make me feel extremely guilty for ignoring her. I know i should run... i know. But i honestly want to help her. What if i stayed with her.... but then i would just be miserable.... your right. But then what happens to her?

what happens to her.... Will she ever change? Will another guy get her to change? Yes, she is true HPD. But i can only wonder if this board, the entire diganosis of every HPD may be situational. I mean everyone on here and from everything i read it's all from their relationship with these people. I have not once heard of an objective story.

What if it's a situational thing? What if she changes for someone else?

I dont know what to do

I thought maybe you guys would help....

or atleast relate.

Hi, find the board on here "escape, survival and shared experiences" read this and you will see that you live in the fantasy stage of life with her. She is not going to change and you believe that she will for someone else, she won't/can't. Mine ran off with mr. wonderful, told me she was a changed woman and did not want to hurt him like she did me.....so what did she do 2 nights later......she had sex with me......twice. She cried and said she couldn't believe she did that to him after the first time then in the morning we did it again. Watch there actions not there words. I have been no contact now for 2 weeks and it is pissing her off.....she will go away. Honestly I feel so much better about myself knowing that I don't have to be part of the drama any more. 6 months into my relationship I read up on hpd and saw a article where the guy said run, run very fast and far away. I kinda laughed it off and went about trying to save her. well 2 years later it is not so funny....I wish i would have ran. You can't save her, when you do she will use it against you and make you feel small for thinking negatively about her and that you are the one who needs the help.
Good luck

Read the replies again. We DO relate. We understand exactly what you're going through. Bambi's advice was the best anyone could give you.

This girl is a train wreck. She is destroying you.
Cut all contact with her, try to forget about her, and try to get your life back on track. Stop your ears with clay, lash yourself to the mast - you'll end up on the rocks if you try and swim back to her.

We understand the confusion, the self-doubt, the hurt, the wondering if you'll ever be attracted to another woman. We understand how hard it is to resist a woman who's madly, insanely in love with you (and I use those terms in deadly earnest). We understand the utter bewilderment when the next week you catch that same woman telling another guy that he's the one for her and you're abusive and cruel. We've been there. And I'll tell you the same thing I tell everyone else including myself: If you're in that situation, you need to sort your own $#%^ out and everything else will follow. There are plenty of other women with fantastic arses, who won't lie to you, cheat on you, manipulate you, jerk you around, and leave you so used up that you think you'll die.

Obviously the usual disclaimer applies, that there's no way we could know from your account whether she is HPD or anything else. For what it's worth, though, my guess would be that she's as damaged as they come, and that unless she gets some serious, long term psychological help, she will never change.

Some reading material for you:
(On understanding just what you've gotten yourself into:)
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/09/27/emotional-vampires-how-emotionally-abusive-women-screw-you-up-flow-chart/
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/09/07/will-my-emotionally-abusive-girlfriend-or-wife-be-different-with-the-new-guy/

(On how to fix yourself so you're no longer vulnerable to her:)
http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/

(On what to do if you're still crazy enough to try and get this relationship into some kind of functional shape:)
http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forums/s ... ostcount=5

I have been in a relationship with a woman for almost two years. I suspected she had HPD shortly after I met her.

My psychologist suspected it at the beginning of the relationship when she quickly attached herself to me and wouldn't let go.

I am embarassed to tell you what I do for a living.

I am a physician. I had her seeing a psychologist. And I know the Cluster B PD's. Like I said, I married a BPD who wound up trying to kill me and my sons.

The only way you could help her is if you are a psychiatrist trained in psychotherapy and she asked you for help. Even then it would be tough. She would have emotional scars for life. No disrespect intended, this is not the case is it?

You cannot help this person. She does not care that you want to help her. She only cares about herself.

I just discovered tonight that my HPD stole all kinds of things off of my sons and myself. A week ago, before I went into no contact mode, she told me she wanted to be paid for the time she stayed in my house for free.

She has a new photo on facebook and her eyes are the eyes of a shark, cold, intense, calculating, .....empty.

When she left, unannounced, she took a set of my house keys with her. Fortunately I changed the alarm code. Someone tried to come in my back door at 12:16 am yesterday morning. There was no forced entry and I am convinced it was her. The alarm scared her off. I live out in the country in a very safe area. There are no home invasions around here. She left before I could get out of my bedroom with a loaded handgun.

Do you see how disastrous this could have ended?

My sons and I still have nightmares about my first marriage with a personality disordered woman and it has been 7 years since she attacked us.

I am telling you again.....run, don't walk.

B

It has gotten to the point where I am telling her that i will allow her to sleep with other men, as long as she tell's me about it. Recently i've been trying to talk her into having sex with, or giving oral sex to another man in my presence, to see if she can do it. I'm acting like it will make me hot, to see if she really does have no soul.

theused1988 -

I am assuming both of you are still young. So I understand some of the stuff you mention.

Now, if she is really HPD, its not really about wanting to have "sex" with other men. Its more about the thrill of getting attention from other men. Sex is just a tool to get that attention. HPDs are not as sex-crazy as we would want to believe, they are attention-crazy. Think of her as a clever, immature, little girl who has realized that sex can get her the attention from men she needs. Now, the attention seeking is her impulsive nature and its a compulsion. Its what makes her alive and she will not stop it.

Even if she doesn't have sex in front of you with other men, there is no guarantee she will not have it behind your back just for the thrill of attention from another guy. So this "test" you are putting her upto and in the process degrading yourself is just not worth it.

You are certainly not important enough for her to stop her impulses and compulsions. No one will ever be. The only important person in her life is "herself". Later in life, if she matures, she might control herself for a "relationship", but then again its not about the person she is with, its about her and her needs from that relationship. This sense of "entitlement" and "self-centeredness" is the nature of the HPD disorder.

You can't be the superman for her and save her from her disorder. If you have this urge in you, think about it. I am sure there are a lot of girls out there, who may not seem as pretty and sexy at first glance but who really are, and with whom you can enjoy your life with.