Her different personalities

I think I've figured something out about her.

The woman I met two years ago the was flirtaceous, seductive, charming, quickly got me in bed...moved in immediately...talked in a chld-like voice at times, discrete control freak like organizing my closet, replaced some of my wall prints with hers etc

This all changed two months ago when I continued to not commit to her...ie support her....and she finally got a job. Now she is this super control freak in business suits, always on the phone, "I'm in charge" attitude.

But the last two months when I guess she figured out I wasn't going to commit to a serious relationship ie take care of her, was bizarre. At home she was a different person most of the time. The supercontrol freak left a few moments after she got home and a little girl emerged. I can't explain why but I would stay on the other side of the house, I think because her super-control freak personality was so abrasive to me. But by 9 pm the little girl emerged and she would be curled up on the side of the bed in a tiny ball, refusing to get near me. On one of the last nights I turned on the bedside light on my side of the bed and she looked over and in a 5 year olds voice said "What are you going to do....kill me?" I said "what?" Then she went back to sleep.

I believe the child-like personality is her real self. And how you get that personality to connect to the super control freak personality I don't know.

It is just starting to hit me how profoundly mentally ill this person is, probably how little can be done for her, and how she is probably doomed to a life of misery.

.

This is a completely irrelevant question but and obviously you don't have to answer but are you English or American?

"The woman I met two years ago the was flirtaceous, seductive, charming, quickly got me in bed...moved in immediately...talked in a chld-like voice at times, discrete control freak like organizing my closet, replaced some of my wall prints with hers etc

This all changed two months ago when I continued to not commit to her...ie support her....and she finally got a job. Now she is this super control freak in business suits, always on the phone, "I'm in charge" attitude."

So, forgive my stupidity but she had moved in with you but you continued not to commit to her? How does that work then? She thinks she is in a serious relationship with you i.e. SHE HAS MOVED IN but its not, so maybe you get to f*ck other people? What a stupid woman for not realising where she stands!

WITH SOME JOBS YOU HAVE TO BE ON THE PHONE A LOT. Sounds like you find the fact she has a job threatening. Prefer it when she was dependant on you?

Most women talk in a baby voice at times. This is not an indication of mental illness.

"The supercontrol freak left a few moments after she got home and a little girl emerged. I can't explain why but I would stay on the other side of the house, I think because her super-control freak personality was so abrasive to me. But by 9 pm the little girl emerged and she would be curled up on the side of the bed in a tiny ball, refusing to get near me"

Perhaps she was winding down from being at work to being at home. Everyone is different at work. Perhaps the fact that she wouldn't go anywhere near you is because you had "STAYED ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE" all night.

So in this non-committed relationship where she has moved in with you, you stay on the other side of the house all night then expect a f*ck when you go to bed. What an inconsiderate woman.

She doesn't sound like she has a personality disorder to me. Pretty poor judgement and taste maybe.

SoFrance

Isn't it amazing how some people have never heard the saying "it's better to remain silent and let people believe you are stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt?"

Sorry you have issues.

Get over them.

B

SoFrance

For once your statement is correct.

Your question is irrelevant.

B

Bambi, sofrance isn't stupid, she is actually very brave to be posting as she has HPD. Having said that, you should know you are witnessing the rant of a self centred toddler, she can't help it though so don't forget that. You could learn a lot if you are nice to her. I am.

bambi wrote:I believe the child-like personality is her real self. And how you get that personality to connect to the super control freak personality I don't know.

No. They're both her, and she is both of those people. Neither is 'her real self' in the way you seem to mean.

First, some background. There is an approach to psychology called Transactional Analysis (look up Games People Play, by Eric Berne, for more on this). The basic concept is that each of us has three 'ego states', three different ways of interacting with the world and each other, that between them make up our personality. These ego states are Parent, Child, and Adult. At any given time, we're in one of these ego states and we can instantly switch between them. The Child ego state is impulsive, hedonistic, sometimes loving and sometimes rebellious. The Parent ego state is controlling or loving, and is responsible for discipline and for self-comforting. The Adult ego state is rational, dispassionate, and analytical.

This is just from my experience, but I believe that in HPD, the development of the Adult ego state is impaired, and if she can take on an Adult ego state at all, it is with difficulty. My guess is that her lack of a close bond with her mother forced her to overdevelop her Parent ego state, which which interfered with the proper development of her Adult state. In her Child state, she acts impulsively without real thought for consequences, she can be rebellious, tell lies to get out of trouble the way a small child would, tell tall stories for attention, etc. In her Parent state, she can either be caring and nurturing or she can be bossy and controlling, and she treats others as if they're incompetent children. This is where you get your "two different personalities".

Edit: Thinking more about your description of the early days in the relationship:

The woman I met two years ago the was flirtaceous, seductive, charming, quickly got me in bed...moved in immediately...talked in a chld-like voice at times, discrete control freak like organizing my closet, replaced some of my wall prints with hers etc

This stuff all sounds like her trying to make herself feel more secure in the relationship. She was making it her place as well as yours.

This all changed two months ago when I continued to not commit to her...ie support her....and she finally got a job. Now she is this super control freak in business suits, always on the phone, "I'm in charge" attitude.

Not sure what you mean by "not commit to her" - I'm assuming you mean you didn't start supporting her financially, rather than that you refused to commit to her in terms of an exclusive relationship? Either way, when she got a job she had to take on her Parent persona more because it was the best she could do to cope. She probably felt way out of her depth.

I can't explain why but I would stay on the other side of the house, I think because her super-control freak personality was so abrasive to me. But by 9 pm the little girl emerged and she would be curled up on the side of the bed in a tiny ball, refusing to get near me.

When you avoided her, she felt abandoned and would either stay more in her Parent persona (probably trying to comfort herself as much as to deal with the uncertainty and fear of abandonment), or would just collapse into being a scared little girl who doesn't know how to handle it.

On one of the last nights I turned on the bedside light on my side of the bed and she looked over and in a 5 year olds voice said "What are you going to do....kill me?" I said "what?" Then she went back to sleep.

Could have been a bad dream, especially given what she was going through.

This is just from my experience, but I believe that in HPD, the development of the Adult ego state is impaired, and if she can take on an Adult ego state at all, it is with difficulty. My guess is that her lack of a close bond with her mother forced her to overdevelop her Parent ego state, which which interfered with the proper development of her Adult state. In her Child state, she acts impulsively without real thought for consequences, she can be rebellious, tell lies to get out of trouble the way a small child would, tell tall stories for attention, etc. In her Parent state, she can either be caring and nurturing or she can be bossy and controlling, and she treats others as if they're incompetent children. This is where you get your "two different personalities".

TK - Correct reference to Transactional Analysis.

My perspective -

It is true that the development of the Adult state is impaired in an HPD. This impairment is because she was not allowed to develop that state, since the individualization from her mother never happened properly. The mother of an HPD, typically is narcissistic or the exact opposite (in cases where the father is narcissistic), and has a great need to keep her daughter dependent on her though there is no real bonding. This she does either by over-indulging or by being controlling or both. This can also be the pattern taught by her father, who might also be narcissistic.

The HPD daughter has been trained to remain dependent and being over-indulged using the Child state, while she has also learnt from her mother/father that to be the Parent means to be controlling. Hence these are the only 2 states she has been trained in. The HPD also realizes that to remain in the Child state and provide infantile responses which seem cute and coquettish helps her to gain attraction from the opposite sex, possibly a training she got from her interactions with her narcissistic or passive-aggressive father. Without individualization from her parents, she has never learnt to interact properly with same-age people and this meant that the Adult stage was never something she has been trained on.

You are right in a way that none of these 2 states are her true self as we mean normally, since the true "adult" self was never really developed. Both the Child and Parent states are appropriations or "copies" of modes she has been trained in. The Child state is used to "compensate" for her inadequate sexuality thus appearing the "good girl", cute and attractive. The Parent state is used as a "counter-defense" against her low self-esteem thus appearing independent and capable of being an adult and a parent.

Very interesting post, newtohpd! Good call on problems with one or both parents keeping the child dependent and thus interfering with their development of their Adult state, I'd been assuming it was just the parent's absence (emotional or otherwise) parentifying the child, and then that parentification interfering with development of the Adult role. Now that you mention it, though, the parents could well interfere actively in the development of the child's own separate identity.

I'm particularly intrigued by your comment about the child's lack of interaction with her peers. This isn't something I've ever heard mentioned in a discussion of the origins of HPD - it's always all about the mother's and father's interactions with the child, and never about the child's own peer group. Time to research the factors involved in Adult ego state development...