Vindicated.

Greetings,

I have just found out about HPD and everything clicked into place for me. Here we go:

Couple of years back I started temping at my local record shop (big chain here in the UK). Met a girl there who I at first thought was simply nice, yet over the course of a year I fell head over heels for her, more so than I ever had anyone before.

She had a boyfriend but told me at a staff party how attractive she found me. She was flirty to the extreme, skipping up to male colleagues in the stockroom and telling them that she "wants them inside her" (!) I put my shocked reaction down to being a somewhat frigid prude. I knew she was silly but I'd never found someone's body language so attractive. She seemed like the happiest person I'd ever met, pretty without being beautiful and incredibly sexy. I was starting to fall for her big time.

Then the text message came one night as I was starting to drink away my desire for her, "Tell me honestly do you see me as more than a friend?" That was a rush! My feelings appeared returned and the evening text conversations started going on for hours. Yet at work we never spoke of it. This divergance soon became disturbing and incredibly painful but still the texts came, promising me that she did want to be with me "but..."

I felt bad for her boyfriend. She described them arguing over social situations where she wanted to go off and talk to everyone while he expected them to stick together. I met the boyfriend when she threw a house party. The guests were mostly young men whose attention seemed squarely focused on her and there was a tension in the air.

She left the record shop at Christmas. We stayed in touch and I began to get over my feelings for her. However, within a few months she'd split from her boyfriend and was starting to send texts suggesting we should have sex. I was dubious but too astounded that someone I found so attractive would want me. Then after a party at my home she started texting a friend of mine in a similar way. She also sent him more intimate past horror stories which claimed that she has been raped and beaten-up by an ex-boyfriend. At receiving this my friend got in touch with me and asked what the hell was wrong with her; they'd only met each other once. It was becoming very obvious that she collected suitors, while I felt this to be crass on her part I thought I might be "the one". But I was always doubtful and knew she was untrustworthy.

We slept together at Halloween, which stunned me. The morning after she was very quiet and odd but soon arguments in text messages resumed telling me that we couldn't be together. Now I was truly heartbroken and a complete mess because I knew how much of a fool I'd been to fall for her. Indeed my friends would poke a lot of fun at me about her; how could I (being introspective and bookish) expect to have a relationship with someone as shallow and self-involved as her?

I'd always suspected something was truly wrong with her. Her behaviour was so over the top and interactions with her so fleeting that she was maddening. I put this down to love, and her big brown eyes which seemed impossibly empty. As I started to recover I found my self rationalising the affair as "the one that got away", or the (to quote The Onion) "Manic Dream Pixie Girl". After all she must have felt something or else why would she sleep with me?

Then I found out about HPD and it all fell into place. I know Wikipidea diagnoses by proxy are never a great idea, but she fits this behaviour pattern like a glove, especially the Vivacious Histrionic paradigm with her seemingly boundless energy and jaw dropping moments of exhibitionism and flirtation.

I'm sure my story is repetitive for this forum so I do apologise but I just finally feel like I've found people who've experienced what I have. My suspicions of mental health problems in her have been vindicated, and I now know why I was so hurt by her.


Any opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Yep, she sounds like a young happy HPD.........wild and free.........

They usually start out that way........

And it's all fun, fun, fun...........

Until they flip the switch.............

Welcome to the forums my friend. It's intense right? Your story re-enlivens the post-hpd energy in me; the manic energy of needing some resolution or understanding and finally getting it. The thing is you never get it from the one you want it from most - the one suffering from hpd. The one you "fell in love with". Or was it lust/obsession/infatuation/escapism etc...? And from your story, it doesn't sound like you were even "formally" dating this girl. I dated a girl with hpd for over 2 years. We lived together. We've been broken up for almost a year now. It's true - regardless of how cliché it sounds - time does heal the wound. To an extent. I still wonder what the future holds. I do know that I am definitely not the "innocent" and extremely trustworthy, open person I was before I met her. And this may be a good thing. Are people supposed to earn our trust over time? Should we have boundaries built up that slowly come down as we get to know someone? Should we let "little occurrences" go by because maybe we're too prudish (as you put it) or conservative? This is how we change. When we lose innocence we gain knowledge. We no longer project or own negative or idealistic views/hopes on another. We see them as they are. As they offer themselves to us, in time.

This girl appealed to your basest, sexual self. It's unconscious. This caused a conflict because the bookish part of you is a pansy compared to the awesome power of your unconscious desire. The thing is this girl is smoke and mirrors. She wants you to want her. Her entire sense of self is built up and held up by the attention someone like you (and many others) gives her. Without it she would have to face her own existence; her own challenge as an individual to attain individuation. She doesn't have a "bookish" sense of self or any definite conscious sense of self to rely on. This is the paradox. Who are you supposed to be upset with? Her? I'd say she doesn't really know what she's doing. Consciously at least. I may be wrong though. This is where the word manipulation enters. If she's aware of what she's doing and has intent then I would say that she is manipulative. If not, she basically exists, constantly, in a cloud of unconscious defense.

Which brings one to the dilemma of what to do... I chose to break contact.

Hi - I noticed a couple of things from your post.

First the comment where she says she told people she "wants them inside her". I am not sure that is anything to do with HPD to be honest. Yes HPDs are over the top and masters of flirting but to say such a thing is frankly disgusting. Whether HPD or not this is a course, crude fairly revolting thing to say but I do not think it very representative of HPD. More representative of a slut to be honest.

I wonder why after you hearing this you still chose to have sex with her? I think most men who heard such a disgusting thing would run a mile.

You also describe her as "shallow and self-obsessed", why do you as a seemingly intelligent man want to be with someone who is shallow and self-obsessed?

You seem like a very nice, thoughtful person to me and so I do not want you to take this the wrong way. I wonder if she is by far and away the most attractive woman who has ever shown interest in you. The fact she has shown interest has blown you away and for a while you start to picture yourself with this vivacious, attractive woman and being the envy of all your friends etc etc etc. I think this is a perfectly normal response to the situation you have been in and you should not beat yourself up about it. Who wouldn't think like that?

Whether she has HPD or not in this case I think makes little difference. She seems to have treated you badly from the start and sees you more as a back-up, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. You can tell when someone wants to be in a relationship with you as they will act like they want to be in a relationship with you.

It will never work with this woman as the most important thing in relationships is that people are equals. She sounds horrible, you sound nice. She sounds shallow, you sound thoughtful and aware. Please do not do what so many of the people on this forum do though and start calling yourself a victim and become fixated on HPD. Walk away and get on with your life and see it as brush with a not very nice woman who didn't want to be with you, nothing more.

SoFrance -

Very good! I must say that your first remark on this thread strikes me as a thoughtful, intelligent reply, very unlike all your other postings!

Jay Mack - which of my posts have not been "intelligent" or "thoughtful"?

Terry -

What Sofrance says in her post makes a lot of sense.

I will not minimize your situation, but in your case the relationship, from her end, doesn't seem committed or seem to have long term possibilities anyway, whether she was HPD or not. Her emotional involvement doesn't seem to be as much as you seem to have become involved.

So you will have to come to terms with it. Use the forum and go through all previous posts and help heal yourself. I understand that it was a intense experience for you and you will need to understand and make sense of what happened. But with perspective and time, you will be able to do it.

The important thing to understand is that, whether she was HPD or not, some of her traits you mention are certainly extreme and simply unacceptable. And its not your fault.

Best wishes.

NewtoHPD is right it is not your fault however you have played a part. You did choose to have sex with someone when I think deep down you were aware that there was something "wrong" with this girl. You have taken the step to get emotionally entangled with someone when I am sure that there was a part of you that knew that this was a mistake.

Perhaps you should take a look at yourself and find out why you were unable to say no to this person. It could be such things as having low self-esteem, having little confidence with the opposite sex. Yes, she tried to entice you but you were enticed. There are plenty of people out there with the ability to say no to an HPD. I think it will help all of your future relationships if you have more confidence in yourself and are able to say no to the bad ones and not be "grateful" because someone so attractive has shown interest.

Thanks for the replies,

Indeed I do have rather large self-esteem issues and received some excellent cognitive-behavioural treatment a year ago - the same time that the crap hit the fan with my suspected HPD. As such I am very aware of the correlation between my insecurity and semi acceptance of her behaviour. In the year since I have made sure not to have contact with this girl. However, it is only the last few days that I have discovered, and read in detail, what HPD is. In doing so I refer back to the title of my post, I feel vindicated in as much as she is clearly a damage bringer and to many more men than just me.

So as to the question of whether she is HPD not... As I'm obviously unable to truly diagnose anyone with anything, I'm naturally skeptical of even the suggestion. This is especially so as I didn't even have a "proper relationship" with her, only bizarre promises of love and desire for me that came in a seemingly random pattern over the course of time and while she was in a genuine relationship with the boyfriend mentioned earlier. This poor man still follows her around like a lost puppy despite their no longer being "together". It is my continued worry for both her and other men that has taken me down the rabbit hole of HPD.

I mistook her vague, arrogant self-portraits (e.g. "children and animals all adore me") for an ironic self-confidence. The constant smiling, even in work situations that demanded discussion and concentration, left colleagues refering to her as "a very strange girl". I wanted to believe in the joy she seemed to posess though, even when it became evident that flirtations were dealt out almost uniformally.

As regards the nature of her flirtations being outright and extreme ("I want you inside me"), I would also point out that she is a Mormon, attends church and is incredibly focused on her nuclear family, choosing to rent a place that overlooks her family home. Also the context of us being young people working in a record store was all about a shared rock'n'roll (emo) sensibility that was very liberal, and where people talked openly about sex. All the time.

It is the fact, though, of how she described herself that makes me confident that she has HPD. Consistently she drew herself as a Daddy's girl, who everyone liked and who couldn't be held responsible if guys fell for her. All in contradiction to her actual behaviour. The faith I did develop in a genuine affection between us was in part because I filled in the gaps between the sporadic text messages asking for love and sex.

Vindicated,

I was married to a CLASSIC HPD for 20 years, 23 days and as such have room to talk. The want you inside me line is also classic HPD-speak. After she left I had a friend show up we hadn't seen in 15 years. He stayed with us while getting back on his feet. He had left suddenly after staying with us 3+ months.

It turned out she was telling him she was having nasty dreams about him and was trying to seduce him. Given everything he was dealing with, he choose to disappear. Some would say she's a slut but it occurred to me as I read the DSM-III on HPD that she has something inside she doesn't understand that drives such slutty behavior. While she is responsible for it, it is still essentially beyond her at this time.

Those strong happy overtones are in part her trying to overcome such nasty thoughts/behavior in her soul. Trust me, when I would, under the guise of normalcy, bring my wife around from her darkness, she would tell me I made her feel like s**t! I eventually was learning to stop my "parental" behavior but it occurred to me that her feelings of s**t were her own. My trying to 'reason' with her just forced them to the top.

I am convinced that HPD is a disabling problem no worse than...incontinence. What I mean is, if you invite someone over and they soil your furniture, you deal with the first incidence kindly. But if there are future problems with 'soiling', you were aware after the first time. Depending on the situation, your relationship as far as socially may be (....hehe) impacted. At the very least the next time you'll put a plastic liner down for them, to protect your valuables, since they cannot help it.

If you are interested in someone and realize they have HPD symptoms, you would be wise to withdraw kindly, and disclose your concerns with them at the right time, since you DO care for them. However, if you marry such a person as with HPD, your sense of morality might not allow ending the relationship hastily as would be convenient. You'd need to find your 'liner', and seek professional help. In my case I believe God intervened and gave me knowledge of the cause of the problem, which is leading to peace.