Beginning

Yesterday, I wrapped up the last remaining legal items from my divorce.

I now have no ties to my ex husband. No reason to talk to him. Nothing I need from him. Nothing to pull me back into his drama or make me think of him. Nothing... except this board. So, what has been a primary source of support over the last 14 months is suddenly becoming a reminder of the past.

When I think about it, I have been wrestling with the end of my relationship for years. At least since 2003, when the first infidelity occurred. Maybe even before that. It's been exhausting. All of my emotional energy, all of my creative thoughts and my free time for over 7 years have been directed towards saving my marriage, then later towards just surviving, then working on myself, finding the strength to leave, and eventually, to getting out and staying out.

Now that is all over and I almost don't know what to do when I am not dealing with a histrionic-generated crisis in my life. I'm looking for the next step, and trying to figure out how to move forward. Because, of course, it's not as though I'm perfect myself, nor am I 100% healed.

For a start, I have been reading "The Language of Letting Go", by Melody Beatty (author of Codependent No More) which has daily readings and affirmations, and that's been really good for me so far. I'm realizing that part of my reluctance to leave the board is that I am concerned about, and care about, many of the posters who have been part of my support network and my daily life for over a year. I worry about you guys and wonder what's going to happen in your individual journeys. While my concern is sincere, it's also a reflection of my own continued issues with taking responsibility for other people.

So, I think I will leave you with a quote from my 'letting go' reading for today. I won't be back to the board for a while, or perhaps not at all, as I try to focus on beginning my new, histrionic-free life.

What if we had a guarantee that the people we love are experiencing exactly what they need in order to become who they're intended to become? Further, what if we had a guarantee that others can be responsible for themselves, and we don't have to control or take responsibility for them?

Today, I will know that I don't have to worry about anything. If I do worry, it will be with the understanding that I am choosing to worry, and it is not necessary.

I wish you all healing and healthy relationships in the future. I hope you each find what you need.
Best wishes, caro

Caro,

Congratulations! Yet another graduate!


I'll miss you........... you were always one of the "good guys" here. You shared your opinions and thoughts
in a respectful manner.

You and Normie are my favorites!

And you both deserve a better life.........so go for it!

And be careful........
ALWN

Caro,
First of all, thanks for your courage to your thoughts with us. You have put into words many of my thoughts and feelings numerous times. After three years I'm in the same place, tired of carrying the pain and anger associated with the HPD in my life and ready to move on. I'll be checking in periodically, for the inevitable tune-up. Thanks for the tip on the book, I just ordered it from Amazon. Thanx again to all. In the words of Mark Twain, "It is better to regret what you did, rather than to regret what you didn't".

Hey Mabpac,

You take care too.........

Damn I'm gonna miss you guys...............

Confused & Hurt, Caro, and Mabpac all graduated this week!

You all did good...............

you shared, you learned, you grew............

Thanks for being here and helping.......

ALWN

Caro - I feel so lucky to have found this board before you left. As you know, you were someone I really identified with here and over the last month have read and reread several of your posts. I will really miss you on here and will feel your absence. On the other hand I am really pleased for you and understand why you need to move on and forward. I've found that I have gradually been spending less and less time here as I came for answers and answers I received, even tho I did not necessarily like the answers. Some of those answers still dont sit well with me but I'm thinking about him less and less and focussing on my own future. It's all just a tradgedy really and that's all I can do. I have more better days than not.

Funny how it feels like a friend is leaving the country!
I wish you well and send you love and light, may your future be a deservedly happy and peaceful and content one Caro. All the best and thankyou so much for all your words of comfort, understanding, compassion and advice, I have appreciated every last one.

caro81VA wrote:When I think about it, I have been wrestling with the end of my relationship for years. At least since 2003, when the first infidelity occurred. Maybe even before that. It's been exhausting. All of my emotional energy, all of my creative thoughts and my free time for over 7 years have been directed towards saving my marriage, then later towards just surviving, then working on myself, finding the strength to leave, and eventually, to getting out and staying out.

Caro

Sometimes it feels like PDs have taken over your life doesn't it? We read, we learn and we try to understand as best we can what just happened to us. It is a hard road and not something I'd wish on anyone.

But, I think there comes a time when we just have to say 'It is what it is' (to quote Lifesong). We can do no more. It is a difficult stage - in some ways, the most difficult, because we can't always remember who were before! And maybe the only way to remember is to leave it behind us?

You will be missed! But I wish you all the luck in the world in the next stage of the process. Nothing can ever be this hard again can it, and I take some comfort in that, I really do.

All the best Caro

Caro,

You have been an inspiration for me (and I hope a lot of others) on this forum. You will be missed, but I am happy for you.

The worst thing for me in my relationship was "interpretation" of what was happening, without which I was not able to make sense and leave the relationship. I was getting strung along because of my self-doubt at not being able to clearly and directly understand what was happening. Having never ever faced such a relationship before, I just didn't have the tools to understand and cope. My emotional involvement didn't help either.

Your matter-of-fact and direct interpretation of your story and comments on other stories help me put my own story in perspective. It helped me re-write my story and understand how important it was for me to dis-engage emotionally and go NC.

Your new life is also an inspiration that provides me with hope that "all will be fine" and that it is possible to move on to a more meaningful life beyond a PD relationship where my damaged trust will be repaired and become healthy. I owe a lot to you as an inspiration.

My best wishes.

Good luck Caro. You were very helpful to me, and your posts really illuminated a dark period of my life. I know it is tough not to lean on the board so much - I have kept an eye on it since leaving and find reading helpful still.

I too am starting to see someone else. I am aware that I am hypersensitive to anything in her that seems like my ex's actions, and that is now my worry - her needs and mine, not just mine alone. There's no space for a third person in the relationship, and that is part of the way of getting over an HP - realising you need to get them out of the way of the next relationship. And not relying on the board is part of that. It is hard to be aware of yourself and someone else after an HP relationship, after focusing on yourself alone so much during recovery, but I think you have the good sense and good heart to navigate that path.

Good luck with it all - have a good life, and thanks again!

Mike

Wow Caro,

good luck! I remember very well when you first started posting here. I was impressed with how steep your learning curve was. Within weeks, you knew it all, were on top of your emotions and gave great advice to other people. You are one of the few people on these boards whose posts are always insightful and well put. And you are so admirably devoid of hard feelings, despite all you suffered! With your positive strength, analytical thinking, control and self-awareness, I am sure you'll also get on top of your co-dependency issues. Your decision to leave this board behind credits my impression I see a bright future for you.

The best of luck,

Maria

Thanks for all the kind words, guys.

Two weeks without the board has been good for me, and I think I'll stay away. I've been able to work on myself some more, instead of always thinking back to an old, dead relationship. I realized the other day that the past year has been the first time I haven't had someone reinforcing every day how 'wrong' and 'bad' I am. Feels strange, and also good. I think it will take a little while longer to let go of some of my behaviors - I still have flashes of PTSD, on the strangest triggers. Some days, it feels like my ex is still with me, whispering in my ear. (No wait, he'd be screaming.) But in general, I'm staying positive and you know where I'm seeing the biggest difference? Not so much in my personal relationships - the few of those I have left were already doing nicely. It's my productivity at work that's improving drasticallly. I feel kind of like my old self, only better - from years ago when I was single and newly married. This makes me wonder now how long I've actually been depressed without realizing it.

But enough of me. I hope everyone is doing well. And welcome to the new posters who are probably wondering who I am (it doesn't matter anyway).
just visiting,
caro