Limerence

Limerence seems to be a state of being.

From my experience with my HPD ex it seems that her states of being rapidly shifted from one to another. Hence it might be possible she had fleeting states of Limerence but not very stable ones. Remaining long in a state of Limerence would be too monotonous. She would actively seek out a change.

This state may be more appropriate for DPDs and passive dependents. It may be appropriate for co-dependents too.

Just my 2 cents...

If there is limerence present, it will be displayed by the nonHPD with the HPD person as its object.

I've never met an HPD person who displayed limerence; in fact, quite the opposite.

I think you're applying the term to the wrong person in the duo, asphyx.

newtohpd wrote:From my experience with my HPD ex it seems that her states of being rapidly shifted from one to another. Hence it might be possible she had fleeting states of Limerence but not very stable ones. Remaining long in a state of Limerence would be too monotonous. She would actively seek out a change.

I think HPDs can only stay in a state of limerence if their love remains unrequited and just out of reach, or if their limerent object knows how to beat them at their own game and keeps them on their toes at all times.

To the people saying you experienced limerence over your HPD, you may be getting confused with infatuation and genuine love. I know I experienced something similar in the beginning but it was just strong infatuation which dissipated somewhat after I started to find out what a liar and fake she was - all that remained was physical attraction. A symptom of limerence is to completely ignore negative traits in a person and accentuate the positive traits.

Also there is At any point in the process, if reciprocation is perceived, the degree of involvement ceases to rise, until uncertainty returns.

I don't think that a non would lose interest as their HPD was seemingly reciprocating their feelings, and would regain those feelings when the HPD distanced herself again.

I've just read Tennov's book. I think she makes an imprtant point which I think is now being overlooked. Limerance is such a common experience as to be normal. It is not psychopathy. Her thesis is that if people understood it better, there would be less shame about it (which inncreases the distress experience by the limernat person and also carries serious risks if these people come into contact with the profession and are pathologised).

It appears that the people who have continued her work, Albert Wakin and Duyen Vo have missed this point entirely and are now focusing on the negative characteristics of limerance and seeking to have it recognised in the DSM. I think this is terribly counter-productive. Interestingly, Tennov talks about the deep resistance to limerance theory in Psychology, suggesting that those who either have not experienced the state, or have experienced it negatively have a tendency to pathologise it. She suggests that Limerance has been favoured in eveolutinary terms because it fosters mating and pair-bonding at least up until the point where a child is 2 or 3 years old and likely to survive. It's true that the negative and distressing effects can be considerable, but understanding of the state as a normal state and finding strategies with which to deal with it is a far more productive than treating the limerant person as if they are mentally ill. The best 'cure' for a negatively experienced Limerance is impossibility - when all hope is extinguished, people recover, or in ordinary parlance 'get over it'. She also notes - and little is made of this - that while most mutually limerant relationships are too volatile to survive in the long term, some mutually Limerant bonds do become affectionate "healthy" bonds over time.

I urge anyone experiencing limerance to read the original, and not be embarrased. There is nothing wrong with you. The point Tennov makes is that society has attempted (unsuccessfuly)to control romantic love since prehistory. Limerance as a normal human experience is why. The current pathologising of Limerance is simply another attempt to try and control a frighteninglly powerful emotional state - one that not everyone experiences or understands

Hm, Asphyx your OPost described me to a t. I don't much relate to Sofrance's take, only minimally. I'm BPD/HPD and much lower down on the NPD spectrum.
I guess limerance is something I experience strongly, and have done maybe twice in my life, once recently over someone who was rather foreign to me, turned out he was ASPD. So, I relate.

This seems more like BPD splitting or co-dependants/non's ignoring of HPD traits to me. I definitely had "limerence" for my HPD even though I had many warnings within 2 months of meeting her. In fairness she went out of her way to addict me to her and I have seen her do it to others.

Well I read the description of the word, but it seems to me that the key sentence is simple "Limerence can often be what is meant when one expresses "having a crush" on someone else although limerence, unlike a crush, can last months, years or even a lifetime."

The rest of it just describes feelings people have when they have a "crush"; the key issue though (from my read) is that the feelings persist for long periods of time, and it's implied that the person has those feelings for a long period of time even though the feelings are not reciprocated.

Okay, well there is a definition of thinking patterns that describes HPD; limerence isn't listed, so I would say nope.

I'm not saying that someone who suffers from HPD couldn't have feelings for someone that match the definition of limerence, but from what I've read, if anything, someone who suffers from HPD is more likely focused on the quantity of people who love them, than they are likely to have any long term feelings that are focused around one person.

If anything it seems that some of us who have fallen for someone who has HPD match the limerence description to varying degrees.

Interesting word though. I've not heard the word before.

xdude wrote:
I'm not saying that someone who suffers from HPD couldn't have feelings for someone that match the definition of limerence, but from what I've read, if anything, someone who suffers from HPD is more likely focused on the quantity of people who love them, than they are likely to have any long term feelings that are focused around one person.

I'd say that my HPD has had a few long term(1+year) relatively monogamous relationships, so she probably "felt" in love with these guys, but she would flirt mercifully with others in front of them and lead on others via electronic communications during the relationship, but maybe not cheat physically. It takes a certain amount of emotional bonding to keep her interested in one person for any long term period. I think this is what HPD's here mean when they say they HAVE been in love, it means that they make an attempt to not cheat, or at least bother to cover up their tracks for long periods of time haha. But you're right, its definitely NOT a symptom of HPD, maybe BPD in short spurts.

CptSaveAho wrote:I'd say that my HPD has had a few long term(1+year) relatively monogamous relationships, so she probably "felt" in love with these guys, but she would flirt mercifully with others in front of them and lead on others via electronic communications during the relationship, but maybe not cheat physically. It takes a certain amount of emotional bonding to keep her interested in one person for any long term period. I think this is what HPD's here mean when they say they HAVE been in love, it means that they make an attempt to not cheat, or at least bother to cover up their tracks for long periods of time haha. But you're right, its definitely NOT a symptom of HPD, maybe BPD in short spurts.

Yes, I'm sure someone who has issues with HPD "can" fall in love with one person, even if over the long run they end up pushing their loves away. But yea, I don't see what that has to do with "limerence".

I'd have to agree that it doesn't seem to be an HPD trait, thought it may happen if the HPD is focused on one person for an amount of time. which doesn't happen too often, many HPD's usually have a fan club that they run to whenever they aren't completely happy with the 'steady'. any 'limerence' the HPD might experience would be relatively short-lived, about a year at most; or it would be occuring with a couple different people at once. which doesn't seem to fit the definition of the word.

I'd say the HPD does invoke those feelings in the non though, especially those nons who continue to pine for her even when all signs are pointing to 'this is not going to work out.'