Limerence

I've been trying to understand more about how HPDs attraction works, how they fall in love, how much they fantasise about ideal love etc because it is seemingly very different to how a non-HPD would. I came across this term "limerence" (coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov) which is described as...

[...]an involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which a person feels an intense romantic desire for another person (the limerent object). Limerence can often be what is meant when one expresses "having a crush" on someone else although limerence, unlike a crush, can last months, years or even a lifetime. It is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the limerent object towards the individual. It can be experienced as intense joy or as extreme despair, depending on whether or not the feelings are reciprocated. While the use of the word has not gained widespread acceptance, nor can it be found in most current dictionaries, limerence theory is nevertheless used in psychological studies dealing with romantic love and is frequently discussed by those interested in Tennov's work.

Limerence has certain basic components:

* intrusive thinking about the limerent object
* acute longing for reciprocation
* some fleeting and transient relief from unrequited limerence through vivid imagining of action by the limerent object that means reciprocation
* fear of rejection and unsettling shyness in the limerent object's presence (this is the only part I may disagree on because I can't imagine a HPD feeling unsettling shyness)
* intensification through adversity
* acute sensitivity to any act, thought, or condition that can be interpreted favorably, and an extraordinary ability to devise or invent "reasonable" explanations for why neutral actions are a sign of hidden passion in the limerent object
* an aching in the chest or stomach when uncertainty is strong
* buoyancy (a feeling of walking on air) when reciprocation seems evident
* a general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background
* a remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in the limerent object and to avoid dwelling on the negative or render it into another positive attribute.


To my knowledge, the bolded list above accurately describes HPD feels when they are 'in love'. Personally I think it is and that this term was probably founded because of how HPDs and BPDs fall in love, which isn't the normal type of healthy reciprocated love.

There are also persistent intrusive fantasies when someone is in limerence, and fantasy is something which HPDs are very big on.

Here's the two pages I found most of my information on this subject:
http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Limerence
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

What do you guys think?

Please do not speak for HPDs if you are not a HPD.
I mean how do you know what goes on with the chemistry of a person's mind,especially if they are disordered,no two HPDs are alike.
I mean would you speak for a giraff and his emotions for another,I think not considering you know nothing of what goes on with them mentally.

This actually seems to me more like the kind of feeling HPDs are experts at instilling in others.

chamelion wrote:Please do not speak for HPDs if you are not a HPD.
I mean how do you know what goes on with the chemistry of a person's mind,especially if they are disordered,no two HPDs are alike.
I mean would you speak for a giraff and his emotions for another,I think not considering you know nothing of what goes on with them mentally.

...wow. I don't want my thread derailed by this type of idiocy so I won't even bother. You joined this site THREE days ago and you think you know much about the inner workings of HPDs already? Oh please...

This actually seems to me more like the kind of feeling HPDs are experts at instilling in others.

I noticed that too but I think it is to a lesser degree. I don't think things such as "an aching in the chest or stomach when uncertainty is strong" would happen to a non. Depends on the person I suppose... how clingy they are, whether they have any other options, how fooled they are by the soulmate con the HPD provides, etc.



For the HPD however they fall in love a particular way since they lack the sufficient tools (ie. empathy and such) to fall in proper reciprocated love.

...wow. I don't want my thread derailed by this type of idiocy so I won't even bother. You joined this site THREE days ago and you think you know much about the inner workings of HPDs already? Oh please...

Why do you call my opinion idiocy. . . .what is wrong with you..?

Well, I'm kind of embarrassed to admit it, but that whole wikipedia article described my feelings towards this HPD person to a tee. It might be a reflection of the kind of issues I have, but I was quite limerent towards her. I even knew deep down that my feelings were irrational, but that didn't stop me from having them. I think part of me assumed that that's just what "being in love" was supposed to be like. Before her I never thought I could be that naive or controlled by my emotions... I never went through anything quite like the stomach aches or fainting but in the context of my experience I can see how that could happen in extreme cases.

Just look at how HPDs act in relationships. The way they never quite make anything about how they feel certain. The way they'll act obsessed with you one moment and be preoccupied with something else the next. They'll throw you bait whenever they sense you drifting but never fully consummate anything... a carrot on a string. Every facet of how they act seems to be geared toward creating the exact condition that wikipedia article describes. I can tell you first hand, they aren't bad at it!!!

Of course its highly probable that the reason that they act that way is because that's the only kind of love they know. However I think if they could feel limerent, it would be harder for them to move on after failed relationships... Then again it could be us normals just aren't as good at playing the game!

Hi, I'm also embarrassed here, because like R.W. I have/had exactly the same feelings....I had the same reactions after an experience 6 years ago with a particularly toxic NPD/HPD girl (note to self: try and learn a lesson here) I know that if I were to bump into my recently gone NPD girl (as is likely as we work in the same industry) I would feel exactly the same: ie ultra uncool....hopefully I'll be able to act chilled and aloof, but it will be hard. Like RW I'm sure that not all people will be affected to the same degree, it will all depend on the "victims" own issues and dependency.

Just look at how HPDs act in relationships. The way they never quite make anything about how they feel certain. The way they'll act obsessed with you one moment and be preoccupied with something else the next. They'll throw you bait whenever they sense you drifting but never fully consummate anything... a carrot on a string. Every facet of how they act seems to be geared toward creating the exact condition that wikipedia article describes. I can tell you first hand, they aren't bad at it!!!

I'm sure that this is a major part of the softening up/brainwashing process that makes us act so irrationally....They destroy our sense of self and self esteem, and we end up chasing after them trying to get back to our original "exalted" position, but of course once you show that weakness you're toast.

Mako7

From an HPD perspective

* intrusive thinking about the limerent object - not really, its too in control for that. I think about you when I choose to. You do not keep me awake at night. That would be pointless.
* acute longing for reciprocation yes but only because its part of the game "can I manipulate you into liking me, how easy/fun will it be
* some fleeting and transient relief from unrequited limerence through vivid imagining of action by the limerent object that means reciprocation I got bored half way through this sentance
* fear of rejection and unsettling shyness in the limerent object's presence (this is the only part I may disagree on because I can't imagine a HPD feeling unsettling shyness) - I am only "shy" if I can see that is what will help me manipulate someone. Fear of rejection is fear of losing, I hate losing
* intensification through adversity - Absolutely, the more you say no, the more I want you. How dare you, don't you know who I am
* acute sensitivity to any act, thought, or condition that can be interpreted favorably, and an extraordinary ability to devise or invent "reasonable" explanations for why neutral actions are a sign of hidden passion in the limerent object Again, this sentence is way too long
* an aching in the chest or stomach when uncertainty is strong Err, no. Nobody could see an aching in the chest, thus rendering it pointless. I am not that bothered love. Plenty of others out there
* buoyancy (a feeling of walking on air) when reciprocation seems evident More like the pin held at the balloon as its about to burst
* a general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background Only until the aims have been achieved
* a remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in the limerent object and to avoid dwelling on the negative or render it into another positive attribute" "so bored, whats on day time tv..."

Lol,
Sofrance your post was intensly acurate!

Nice to have a HPD here to answer.

Also a question for you sofrance: are you a pure HPD or co-morbid with NPD/BPD?

Let me help you out...

sofrance1 wrote:* intrusive thinking about the limerent object - not really, its too in control for that. I think about you when I choose to. You do not keep me awake at night. That would be pointless.

I'm making a random guess here but you could be HPD/NPD as I believe an NPD would be more worried about themselves than their lover?

sofrance1 wrote:* some fleeting and transient relief from unrequited limerence through vivid imagining of action by the limerent object that means reciprocation I got bored half way through this sentance

I believe this is what it means: sometimes you fantasise about your 'limerent object' (the person you 'love') reciprocating his love for you, and when you do this you can even reach a feeling of bliss

sofrance1 wrote:* fear of rejection and unsettling shyness in the limerent object's presence (this is the only part I may disagree on because I can't imagine a HPD feeling unsettling shyness) - I am only "shy" if I can see that is what will help me manipulate someone. Fear of rejection is fear of losing, I hate losing

Hate losing to what extent? To the point that you would do anything to win?

sofrance1 wrote:* intensification through adversity - Absolutely, the more you say no, the more I want you. How dare you, don't you know who I am

That last part there sounds NPDish to me.

sofrance1 wrote:* acute sensitivity to any act, thought, or condition that can be interpreted favorably, and an extraordinary ability to devise or invent "reasonable" explanations for why neutral actions are a sign of hidden passion in the limerent object Again, this sentence is way too long

Translation: fantasising and creating favourable events in your mind with your limerent object, triggered from almost anything related your limerent object. These fantasies create a feeling that he/she will eventually reciprocate your love in reality

sofrance1 wrote:* an aching in the chest or stomach when uncertainty is strong Err, no. Nobody could see an aching in the chest, thus rendering it pointless. I am not that bothered love. Plenty of others out there

Last part possibly NPD related. I don't know lol.

sofrance1 wrote:* buoyancy (a feeling of walking on air) when reciprocation seems evident More like the pin held at the balloon as its about to burst

wat? Is that a good or a bad feeling?

sofrance1 wrote:* a general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background Only until the aims have been achieved

What aims? Do you mean winning your 'game' with your limerent object which leaves you complacent and bored with him, then you project the limerent object onto a new target?

sofrance1 wrote:* a remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in the limerent object and to avoid dwelling on the negative or render it into another positive attribute" "so bored, whats on day time tv..."

Oh my, HPDs really do have low tolerance to boredom.

Here's a translation: idolises their limerent object to godlike in their mind (ie. accentuates all his/her good traits + ignores all his/her bad traits and even turns some into a positive traits)