Will they ever be satisfied?

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Will they ever be satisfied?


NO !


Not for long...............


Without empathy how can real lasting love ever develope?


So.......how long can childish infatuation for one person lasts?

In short, no.

HPDs spend their life trying to find their 'soulmate' that they have created in their mind and fantasies. They project their fantasies on the man they are most interested in - so this guy becomes idealised and like a god in her mind. They think that when they finally win this person's love than they will fill the void in them created by their abandoning parent. In reality though if they do win this person's love, they realise that their love is not what they really wanted and they devalue that person and discard them... and it's on to the next guy who randomly triggered her fantasy. This is like a never ending cycle that goes on forever in HPD's lives... until they find a person that cannot love them back.

Even if a HPD meets a person that matches up 100% to her fantasy of her ideal guy, they will always find a way to discard him if he indicates that he loves her back.

Quite a undesirable situation to be in, I must say.

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asphyx wrote: They think that when they finally win this person's love than they will fill the void in them created by their abandoning parent.

A looooooong shot, but what would happen if the HPD's abandoning parent "came around" and began showering her child with massive affection and apology for abandoning her???

flawless_victory wrote:

asphyx wrote: They think that when they finally win this person's love than they will fill the void in them created by their abandoning parent.

A looooooong shot, but what would happen if the HPD's abandoning parent "came around" and began showering her child with massive affection and apology for abandoning her???

I'm not sure but I assume that the HPD would think it was insincere and push them away.

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C & H -

The abandonment, hurt and other feelings faced in childhood due to parental neglect or abandonment, can't be suddenly overcome if the same parent returns during adulthood. The following are the reasons:

1. The parent who abandons a child during childhood is carried forward into adulthood not as a person, but as an abandoning "love object" which is a "construct" that has become ingrained in the adult-child. This construct is now in the adult-child's mind and only she will have to recognize, accept and forgive the past and look at the parent in a new light during adulthood as distinct from childhood.

2. The trauma of childhood becomes so deep-seated in a child that when the child moves to adulthood it will not automatically be overcome if the parent returns, since the trauma and its effects and the consequent thought and behavior patterns are owned by the now adult-child. This adult-child has now grown up and will not be viewing the return of the parent in the same way as she did during abandonment as a child. So the adult-child will not need to "re-parent" herself and grow into an adult.

The above change or re-parenting is not easy to do, since the person is stuck in a developmental stage which is a no-man's land between childhood and adulthood OR appropriated behavior to mimic adulthood - so still "narcissistic" and self-centered as a child. This change would need professional help. But it is possible if one is willing - the will to change is the most important point.

However, bad behavior in adulthood should not be excused by sighting childhood trauma. Being an adult means that one is often aware of their own bad behavior or people around make them aware and then the adult is supposed to learn and adapt any maladaptive behavior. If the adult is not willing to do so and sights trauma to excuse that behavior rather than seeking help to improve, then this person is obviously getting either "primary" or "secondary" gain from that bad behavior and should be held accountable.

By the way - you might have reasoned that this new guy in your ex's life is an ideal mate for her based on similarities of culture, lifestyle, practical needs, etc. But your ex doesn't necessarily think that way. Infact an HPD doesn't evaluate the attributes of an ideal mate in "normal" terms as you are doing. Her evaluation is based on her "primary" need - the void in herself, which she is looking to fill - the problem being that this void is like an insatiable hole that can never be filled. She is so used to this "void" that the fulfillment of this void is not something she is used to and so she would unconsciously like to remain in a constant state of wanting to fill this void but never filling it. That is why the search never ends. The ideal "savior" is thus a person, who doesn't really "save" her, but keeps her in a continuous state of "not being saved" but in the "hope of" being saved one day - not filling her void but providing just enough attention intermittently to keep her hoping that he will save her one day - a continuous seduction and chasing "game". Does this make sense?

The only way for her to get out of this "schema" is to recognize this pattern and and change it through therapy.

c&h, good to hear from you...

in answer to the original question, no, the current relationship will not last either. There is no personal growth with an HPD and she is doomed to repeat her relationship cycle again and again. The fact that you're still curious and thinking about it, though, indicates you continue to have emotional ties to her - which is not unusual, and yes, getting through that is part of recovery. If you can, resist the temptation to keep track of how she's doing. The less contact -- even indirect -- the better.

Congrats on the new relationship as well. I too am in the early stages of a relationship with a great guy, and just kind of soaking up the normalness if that makes sense. Still have some issues I'm resolving from my ex, but trying to take it one day at a time.

c

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