I think I have HPD

Well, as long as you know there is "something" to fix, then it couldn't hurt. The only problem is trying to find a good therapist.

My suggestion, for whatever it's worth, would be to go to a therapist, tell them you have symptoms of depression, anorexia, drug and alcohol abuse, and your relationships are falling apart, plus you suspect from reading an article you may have HPD.

However, it is pretty typical, in fact I think it specifically mentions in the DSM-IV description of HPD, that histrionics frequently seek professional help when a romantic relationship collapses, but that they quickly lose interest in therapy. I don't say this to be discouraging, but I do want to point out that with the range of issues you've listed, you have a lot of stuff to deal with - even if it turns out a PD is not on the list. It's going to take a while. You can't go in for a quick tune up and then expect your relationship with your boyfriend to be instantly great.

I'm sincerely hoping you have the ability and willingness to make that commitment.

Incidentally, and for the same reasons, you won't find a lot of HPDs posting constructively and/or long-term on this forum.

caro

SweetPea wrote:I've always seen therapy as useless because it requires being honest which is very difficult (near impossible) for me.

That's why you need a very good therapist. If they're good enough to be useful, however, it will be very painful for you, because they'll be able to understand what's actually going on, despite your lying. You won't be able to hide from a psychologist the way you can from normal people. They'll tell you things that you don't want to hear, and you'll want to run away, or deny what they say. You'll probably feel that they hate you. It's very important to stick with it - all these horrible emotions have always been there, but you've repressed them. The therapist has to bring them out in the open so that you can properly experience them and let them go.

The odd thing is that I feel really great and relieved after starting a verbal fight for no reason, and even though my boyfriend hung up on me, I find myself smiling.

That's not odd at all. It's a natural consequence of your emotional enmeshment with your boyfriend, combined with your inability to face your own emotions. When you hurt, you don't know how to deal with the emotion yourself, so you hurt your boyfriend. He's able to express that pain, and deal with it. You feel better because, in a sense, he's dealing with your pain. (Does anyone know what this process is called? My wife used to do it too. The psych I was seeing explained it to me but I can't find a clinical name for it.)

A small part of me doesn't want to change. I like getting my way. Another part of me knows that I need to get help. So I will, but I'm not going out without a fight

You're being very brave in facing the fact that you need help. The vast majority of people with HPD never manage to admit their part in any of the troubles they face, let alone realise that there's something wrong with them and seek help. I wish you the best of luck in finding a good therapist and sticking with treatment even when it gets painful.

TatteredKnight wrote:That's not odd at all. It's a natural consequence of your emotional enmeshment with your boyfriend, combined with your inability to face your own emotions. When you hurt, you don't know how to deal with the emotion yourself, so you hurt your boyfriend. He's able to express that pain, and deal with it. You feel better because, in a sense, he's dealing with your pain. (Does anyone know what this process is called? My wife used to do it too. The psych I was seeing explained it to me but I can't find a clinical name for it.)

"Reaction Formation"?

From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reaction_formation
When an individual cannot deal with the demands of desires (including sex and love) and reality, anxiety follows. Freud believed that anxiety is an unpleasant inner state that people sought to avoid. In an attempt to protect ourselves from this anxiety, people employ reaction formation unconsciously in their daily lives. Reaction formation involves adopting opposite feelings, impulses or behavior. Someone adopting a reaction formation defense strategy would treat a spouse or loved one in the same manner in which they’d treat a hated enemy. Another example would be that two people really fond of each other fight all the time to suppress their desire of love for each other. This may also occur when there is a failure of acceptance that the other person is really important to them. To suppress their feelings for that person, they may resort to reaction formation and try to hate or fight with their loved ones to avoid the anxiety of not having them around.

flawless_victory wrote:"Reaction Formation"?

Hmm... that's not quite the process I was talking about, but it could fit what SweetPea is describing equally well. So if that's the mechanism at play, she's not able to directly handle how much cares about and needs her boyfriend, and so starts fights to protect herself from having to deal with it? My guess was more that she was vicariously processing her own negative feelings through her boyfriend. Either way, I'd need to talk to them in person (and to be a real psychologist and not just a guy who likes reading books ) to tell which is the case.

Anyway - SweetPea, hopefully you'll get some more posts from HPDs on this forum, stick around to see if Scarlett replies as she's the closest I've ever heard of to a 'recovered' HPD. I'll leave this thread alone for now, I imagine the last thing you want is us nosy nons discussing you like some research project.