Celebrating? Moving on.

After nearly a full year of limbo, the divorce is finally final.

I'm headed out tonight to celebrate with friends. It's a strange feeling, "celebrating" such a thing. I don't really feel happy or sad. In fact, I'm not sure how to react to this news, after waiting for it for so long. So I started making some calls and got my group together, more to commemorate the moment than to actually celebrate it, I guess. I am looking for a sense of moving on, but I don't have it. I'm not sure whether that is because I have already moved on, or because I know that my ex will keep me on the back burner forever, continually trying to suck me back into his drama.

I never imagined it would take this long to work through the divorce process. In the beginning, I assumed it would take 3 months, tops, since we didn't have children and the issues were fairly straightforward. Of course, I expected drama from my then-husband, but I never imagined the complete and total mulelike resistance he would put up. He used every single technique mentioned in the loser article (from suicide threats to roses), called all my friends and relatives, had his mother come cry in my father's arms, and every other kind of threat, coercion and guilt trip you could imagine to suck me back in. Thankfully, I have some mulelike qualities myself, and more importantly, a fantastic support network. And I did not relapse.

So then, he just started ignoring all legal overtures. From April of last year until near the end of December, fundamentally the same settlement proposal was on the table. I have actually had a divorce decree for months now, because he couldn't stop that, just no final settlement. Months would go by without any substantive response, then a small issue would be thrust out and I would compromise it. He never compromised anything, ever, until right at the end. In fact, except for a strange final twist, I believe I would still be waiting today and eventually end up in court. He didn't care, apparently, to sign to get the money he had coming; it was more important for him to win by not allowing me to have my way in divorcing him.

But, anyway, now I have absolutely no required contact with him; no need to hear from him even through his lawyer; nothing I'm waiting on from him and nothing that he can withhold from me. I am free of his circle of drama, I am free to grow as a person, and I am free to develop my new relationship. Although I still have some lingering fear about how he might manage to affect me in the future, it still has to be better and lighter and easier than in past years.

I think about where I was last February: almost paralyzed, scared to make my move, yet completely unable to stay, physically ill, and the future a complete, black unknown. Today, I'm past most of the PTSD, I'm enjoying my work, I'm sleeping and eating, I'm smiling rather a lot. I have some physical scars - mostly skin issues related to stress. I definitely have some emotional scars - and bless my new bf for his willingness to work through them with me. But overall, I'm stronger, I know by experience I'm resilient, and I guess that whether I feel it or not, I am, in reality, moving on with my life.

caro

Life begins on the other side of despair.
-Jean-Paul Sartre

Congrats, Caro, you are healing and moving on. Over time you'll sleep better, wake up more rested and find new things to get enthused about. Best Wishes!

Congratulations Caro. Here is hoping that your inner strengthening and healing continue - thanks for all your posts - I have gained a lot of strength from them (and the useful links).

Caro

Yes, it is good to be past the stage of needing to talk for legal reasons. Now you can have some real NC, and that helps a lot. Time really is a healer. Don't be afraid of what your ex might do, just know that it is your response that matters.

Be cool, and it will all cool off with time!

caro81VA wrote:After nearly a full year of limbo, the divorce is finally final.
I'm headed out tonight to celebrate with friends. It's a strange feeling, "celebrating" such a thing. I don't really feel happy or sad. In fact, I'm not sure how to react to this news, after waiting for it for so long. So I started making some calls and got my group together, more to commemorate the moment than to actually celebrate it, I guess. I am looking for a sense of moving on, but I don't have it. I'm not sure whether that is because I have already moved on, or because I know that my ex will keep me on the back burner forever, continually trying to suck me back into his drama...

Divorce is hard enough under any circumstance, but a personality disorder will go to any lengths to make this process as stressful and long as possible. If your not serving an HPD, then they will go to great lengths to try and 'punish' you. They will try every trick in the book and are experts at also manipulating the legal system. I am sure he quickly learned how to stall this process for as long as possible.

Even when the divorce is finalized, the HPD will have caused enough stress, misdirection, and destruction that when it finally is finalized, one is left to only feel surreal. This is why PTSD is so synonomyous with post HPD relationships. We suffered much abuse, and even though we are legally free, it takes the spirit a little bit longer to fully regain it's vitality.

No worries though Caro as getting over this legal hurdle is a huge step. You have now cleared a major legal path here and now have set a healing foundation for the rest of your healing to occur. You have already made such great strides in this area, and now your hard work here have set the scene for your full recovery.

It may not feel like a celebration in the normal sense. However, make no mistake Caro, you have accomplished MUCH in a very short amount of time and your resiliency is admirable. This is more of an internal celebration, one where upon reflection, you can see how far you have come in this whole process

I toast you and look forward to hearing more about the rebuilding of your life

All the best

Congrats Caro, it will eventually sink in on a deeper level and hopefully he will become a memory of someone you learnt a lot through (about yourself, PDs, emotions, realness and the worth of meaningful connections with others). Like Sadmadandhurt I have gained much from reading your posts and you should know that I am more likely than not not the only one who has felt like the posts i read here are a lifeline.
My 'no contact' has only just begun and I have no idea how long i will keep receiving attention from him. Thats the bit that sucks for me as when we were alone together and i could 'forget' or put ou of my mind the 'real world' it was good, he made me feel good and i liked it. Im lucky to have good friends that also make me feel good and who i have honest two way communication with so i will attempt to draw in more of that. Sadly tho, the lingering temptation to go back for 'one more dose' is a destructive temptation. I think reoccupying yourself and focussing on the bigger picture and my oun future helps me be strong.
Your new bf sounds like he is just the right person for you at this juncture of your life -you really deserve a decent, honest and non-manipulative relationship so i wish you all the best with that. On a selfish note, I hope you dont disappear from the site altogether as i always anticipate a reply from you when i write something new. Of course, it is totally understandable if you should want to start totally fresh and leave the madness behind.