Seeking Advice - Maybe HPD

This site has been very interesting reading.

I believe my wife may have HPD. We've been together 14 years, married 12 years, with 2 kids.

This year she has had 2 affairs in which the other person became their soulmate and she loved them. Admittedly, I am somewhat of an introvert so she has never been happy with the amount of attention that I have given her over the years.
During her first affair with a married man, she was lying all the time and asked for a divorce. After I found out she was having an affair, I started reading about infidelity (particularly on MarriageBuilders, using their techniques to reconcile) and figured that she had fallen out of love with me due to my lack of conversation with her. After 3 months of her continued lying about not talking to this guy, she finally told me she wanted to fix our marriage. I was the perfect husband and she said she was committed forever, despite the fact she did not feel 'in love' with me. The MarriageBuilders concepts worked pretty well.

4 months later, she told me that it was too hard and that she again wanted a divorce-saying that she had wanted a divorce for a very long time and was now sure, that even with me being perfect, she could never be in love with me. A few months later, I discovered she was meeting up with her first boyfriend who had dumped her and who was recently divorced.

So for the past 3 months she has been extremely angry toward me (this time I told everyone what she had been doing). She made me out to be a monster to her friends and completely ignores me. I do not want to lose my wife or kids so I have been trying to save the marriage. She threatens divorce, but is still here, miserable. All of her family is against her actions. One day, a person on MarriageBuilders said that normal people would have responded differently after the first affair, having remorse, and that 2d affairs are usually an indication of something else wrong, a PD maybe.

As I began to read, I put pieces together. My wife had a terrible childhood -was sexually abused as a child resulting in divorce and her mother was bedridden for 10 years until she died when my wife was a teenager. My wife never finishes projects, is obsessed with how she looks, was anorexic, always needs to be included in the group (not sure if she needs to be the center of attention), is gullible, trusting, falls in love with others easily, must please everyone (even if it means lying), projects herself as someone who the other person would like, says she doesn't know who she is, thinks life should be like a Romance movie (the Notebook), very outgoing and social, highly emotional (would rather follow emotions rather than values), can't really talk real in-depth on intellectual issues, terrible at details or planning for the future, now avoids her family (the rock of her life for so long) because they disapprove of her actions, is always feeling unloved and unattractive, thinks everyone is her friend (even if she barely knows them), and her dad has some (undiagnosed) pyschiatric issue.

She has started counseling because several people, including herself, know something is not right. She no longer shares anything with me so I don't know how this is going. I did put the idea of her having a PD in her head last week and she was extremely angry about it but said she would bring it up. She continually runs to her friends who support her views (I think because she's manipulated them into believing I'm a monster and they really like her) and they continue to give her strength to believe she is right while she avoids those people -her family- who say otherwise.

I hate having divorce hanging over my head. I'm a good guy-a forgiving guy (especially when I realize there is something mentally wrong with her)- and I'd love to keep my family together. I don't know if she has HPD. But, having read what I have read, and going through what I have this year, I am quite scared. I guess if she leaves, I can be ok with it. But I am in limbo now and not sure what to do.

Wow. I don't really know what to say about this one. I am going to let someone who has been married deal with this situation. This sounds like you are on a constant roller coaster. Worse than a normal HPD relationship. At least most of the time will actually leave you. Your wife is putting you through daily mental hell. If I had to give my opinion I would say be firm with her. Tell her look, don't hang this over my head. Get it over with, if you want to leave, than leave. If you want to stay than stay but don't keep playing these game. If she choses to stay which seems to be her initial reaction. Allow her to but set firm boundaries, if she crosses those, well you need to leave or at least separate.

I am new to the forum, but have just survived a 3 year divorce/custody process after a 15 year marriage. My ex has many of the traits of HPD.

My advice: WHAT IS BEST FOR THE KIDS? WHAT EXAMPLE ARE YOU GIVING THE KIDS?

If it were just up to me in my situation, I would have given him all the money and exited quickly. But I put a lot of energy into what would be best for the kids.

So instead of thinking what is best for your wife, focus on what message all this is sending to the kids. You have to weave in your religious beliefs and moral code.

So maybe "cut off" is the answer if it gives the kids a better life. She is not just taking you through chaos but the kids too. And they are not getting your attention. On the other hand, the message to the kids could be to stick with your family no matter what problems they have. Figure out what the message to the kids is and then get on that side and hold to it.

For me, I believed in marriage and stuck with it until my husband wanted a divorce. He wanted to drag things out because he still needed my income and a place to live. I immediately hired an attorney and got the divorce as quickly as possible. It was exhausting. But my focus was to give the kids 1) a good example of not tolerating abusive treatment and 2) a home environment focused on raising kids vs. the chaos that dad generated.

The kids are everything. Your wife is an adult and has to make her own decisions and live with the consequences.

My heart and prayers are with you.

Hawk wrote:This year she has had 2 affairs in which the other person became their soulmate and she loved them. Admittedly, I am somewhat of an introvert so she has never been happy with the amount of attention that I have given her over the years.

Ouch. :/ I feel for you. You're where I'd be now if I'd stayed on the path I was on a year ago, so if anything in this reply feels harsh, it's because I'm telling you what I found out about myself. You're still with her after all she's done, and it sounds like you haven't even gotten particularly angry about it!? The only way her behaviour will ever improve is if you fix YOUR behaviour. She cheated on you, repeatedly, and it's HER that's angry? It's HER that's threatening to leave YOU? No. Just no.

Start by reading this:
http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forums/showpost.php?p=256158&postcount=5

There's no nice way to say this - you've been passive and weak, which means you're neglecting your REAL role in your marriage. She's only thrashing around doing all of this crazy hurtful stuff because you let her. She feels lost and confused because you aren't in charge. HPD or not, she's a woman, and plenty of 'normal' women end up acting just as crazy when their relationship dynamic is that messed up. Read a lot more on the NMMNG forum. Dump all the feminist woman-on-pedestal stuff that you probably base your behaviour in your relationship on and re-learn to take that dominant, positive, active role in your relationship. It saved my marriage, so I hope it can save yours.

I hate having divorce hanging over my head. I'm a good guy-a forgiving guy (especially when I realize there is something mentally wrong with her)- and I'd love to keep my family together. I don't know if she has HPD. But, having read what I have read, and going through what I have this year, I am quite scared. I guess if she leaves, I can be ok with it. But I am in limbo now and not sure what to do.

What the f**k, man?! 'Hate having divorce hanging over your head', 'Guess if she leaves, you can be OK with it'? You're not a 'good guy', you're grade A 'nice guy'. That's the bad news. The good news is that it's on you. You can fix yourself, and if you do, she will become a totally new person. Well, that or you'll kick her cheating ass out, because the new you won't accept $#%^ from anyone. Either way, you will be back in control of your life, which is the important thing.