Not sure what to do for the best!

Hi Jay Mack:
I take my hat off to you for having lasted 8 years. 8 months and my X was already driving me nuts with her gaslighting... ! I am sure you/we shall manage, this forum is great for managing the coping aspect that is part of self forgiveness. What i wrote in the past (very different from what i write these days...) was what I felt at each moment after the break up, and being able to do that here surrounded by people suffering in a similar way, helped me to keep myself on the straight and narrow. In my teens and twenties I had enough of a temper to end up in a few fist fights, but I had never felt physical violence nor been physically violent towards any female. It was the first time I wanted to punch a woman on the nose like i would a man, and coming hear and expressing myself, I avoided that unforgiveable action and contributed at the same time to my psychological healing.

Good luck moving forwards, cheers T

Well I cracked and broke my NC rule! Just had to send a valentines text - "Roses are red, violets are blue, BUT - if you're HPD I'd rather eat poo" which I saw somewhere else on the forum and found rather amusing. Hopefully it will have annoyed her if nothing else! I have also made my mind up to tell her parents in the hope she will get some treatment. Not quite sure how to word it yet?? Does anyone know a 'definative' text or post on here that explains everything without being cruel and a character assasination, yet doesn't sugar coat it either? Cheers - I am feeling a lot better BTW, still a lot of anger inside but gone is the stupid obssesion thank God. Just angry at myself mostly for being so stupid. Getting there....

Hi HPDhelp:
Your reaction is human, don't beat yourself up about it. NC is the ideal because getting frustrated with them gets us no where and makes them the centre of attention, their life objective... ! That said you have a right to "FEEL" and a right to "REACT" in consequence according to those feelings; regardless of her desire to be the centre of attention. If that means breaking the NC rule then fair enough.

Know that my written exchanges with my X were so explosive (from my side; she always kept frigtheningly cool!) that I stopped all contact because my thoughts and feelings were completely ambivalent and unstructured! Felt tenderness on the one side and abhorrence on the other, which led to numerous "hot tempered" and sometimes "bitter" emails. Then I forced myself to NC, but had to live with 3 years of intestinal spasms instead because I was keeping it all in side.

At the beginning of this year (therefore 4 years after it all ended), I determined that I wanted to play a game on her (my little devil was ready to play with hers, and I had no scruples given her many games based uniquely on her rules that i endured; usually unkowingly at the time... !). I opened an annonymous email account and wrote down much of what I had learned about HPD, and how I found her treatment towards others (I say others, because we are numerous to have suffered the same treatment from her...) despicable. Ten days later I wrote her a nice letter from my regular email account, just to make sure that she was still using the same one. She did reply to that in a very superior, aloof and ultra-romantisised way. It was then that i decided to put our specific case on the table, as I knew she would get the mail and read it. I had learned enough about HPD, about myself (good and bad...), and about specific events to go coldly point by point through what happened and challenge her for a explanation or admittance that she did deliberately try to break me, in which case I welcomed a "SINCERE" appology from her side. Of course, caught with her knickers round her ankles, she did not reply. but I know she received the mail, and therefore I know she knows that I eventually rumbled her (according to the little I found out or already knew, the other guys have cowered away into corners after her treatment, and some remain her puppets...). Let me say that since that letter i feel a million times better, and all my intestinal problems have solved themselves... ! .

By chance, I since met her best friend from July 2006 through July 2009. She spoke to me a great deal about my X. I learned that she too told my X where to get off because the relationship had become unhealthy, she described my X as "strange", "needy", "disloyal" and "superior" (her words not mine). I learned through that conversation that my X made her decision to take the job in Boston because her various acts of back stabbing resulted in her loosing support from most of her colllegues here; and stupidly, her not understanding why (I am again struck here by the HPD's lack of empathy with others and their feelings)... !

All that to say, that the NC rule can be very useful, and highly recommended most of the time, but its whats best for you and helps you make the next steps forward that is important. If that means breaking the no contact rule and blasting off at her; thats fine.

Good luck, Musician

Hi Musician, thats exactly what I want, infact it's all I want from her, a profound, sincere, APOLOGY!
The lack of empathy is the hardest thing to come to terms with, as you say, it goes against everything I have been brought up to 'not do' - think of others before yourself, don't hurt people etc etc. and is just so un-natural and unexpected.

HPD, you're not going to get anything "sincere" from an HPD. Their version of an apology would only serve her purpose of keeping you engaged, not as an heart felt, remorseful acknowledgement of regret. Forget the empathy too. It wasn't a fling between two normal adults so you shouldn't expect any reasonable closure.

Don't worry, I'm not 'expecting' anything. That would do the trick though, just an apology.

HPDhelp wrote: thats exactly what I want, infact it's all I want from her, a profound, sincere, APOLOGY!

You'll never get it.

I realized a while ago that I have never heard my ex apologize to anyone for anything.

When he had an affair, and admitted to it in the counselor's office, what he said was "I can't lose you". At the time, I registered it as an apology. But it wasn't anything like that. It was as close to a real moment as he's probably ever had - since he was communicating his need to win, his refusal to let go of me.

The thing is, if they could experience genuine remorse and contrition for their actions, which is what is needed to generate the profound and sincere apology you are wanting, then they could also change. And this would be a very different board.

"regret, sorrow and true contrition"
http://counsellingresource.com/features ... ontrition/

Well I tried to ask her best friend - who was her brothers X - about the pro's and con's of telling her parents as I thought she may know a bit about them. Too late! she's already been poisoned! - this is the reply I got :

"A*** has told me about how you are pressurising her. I have shown her all the e-mails you have sent.
She has told you to leave her alone. Her parents are aware of your harrassment and what concerns/suspicions are. I have also confirmed this with them.
I have kept all e-mails and forwarded to another account so even if you do hack there are other records. A*** has told you she will go to the police if you do not stop. Continue and even if she doesn't, I will! Her family are considering action in their own right. I strongly suggest you cease all contact!"

So much for trying to help! I'm going to write to them anyway now to put my side of the story at least. She has confirmed she is 100% HPD though! Quite a drama she's creating isn't it.... must keep that 'good girl' persona intact! I wouldn't mind but I've been practically NC for 3 weeks!

Hi HPDhelp:
Based upon what you write, you MUST now keep away from this girl. I think you may find yourself against a court order if you don't. My guess is that you have poured your heart out with anger in your emails, and she wrote very little back. HPD are crafty like that, they shall collect evidence to incriminate you, yet you shall have nothing against her, because everything is SAID not WRITTEN. Sometimes even SAID things are insinuations to goad you on to a response, and by providing a written one, you incriminate yourself and satisfy her needs for attention. THATS CALLED JUMPING HEADLONG INTO HER WEB! HOW TO JUMP OUT? SET YOURSELF THE NC RULE AND STICK TO IT BY HOOK OR BY CROOK!

As for the sincere appology, JayMack and Caro are right. You (We) shall never get it; and you (we) shall have to learn to live with that.

good luck Musician.

No I haven't been angry, the emails she's on about were to her, started off with me 'panicking' and warning her about a possible suicide attempt, or rather to take any hint seriously, then just friendly trying to help stuff - I thought as her best friend she would want to help, may have seen the symptoms and not understood them, was only 2 or 3 emls anyway, not sure where the 'hack my account' comes from! As far as the X goes, very little contact actually, as I said NC pretty much for 3 weeks, and what little I have said was 'just talk about this' etc. What triggered all this, all the 'deranged stalker' stuff, all the 'I'm going to the police' stuff, was I said to her, after sending her numerous DVD's while she was snowed in a few weeks back, - 'don't get even fatter lying on the couch watching the DVD's' - it was meant as a little dig, a joke etc, well that was it!!! went completely off the wall, ballistic, mental, 'don't you EVER talk to me again' 'I'm going to the police' etc etc - pathetic isn't it? Thing is now she obviously has her friend and family believing her 'monster deranged stalker' 'story' and they have taken everything she says as gospel truth. You are right of course Musician, I should go completely NC and leave it now, but from reading your excellent posts I think I am a lot like you, and this is like a red rag to a bull!The other thing is SHE has TOLD me to stop contact, not asked, not mutual agreement etc, so if I stop in my mind she thinks she has 'won'. I have plenty in writing from her, don't worry - the police would have a good laugh anyway, but it won't go that far. I have told her that wasting police time is an offence in itself. Her bizarre behaviour is keeping me smiling anyway! Cheers!