Not sure what to do for the best!

Hi HPDhelp:
You are right about the red rag to a bull, but i have learned through experience that you have to walk away. Lets compare our situation to an analogy of the bull and the red rag/bull fighter. The bull never wins does he, or only rarely ....."olé".... !
Best walk away, and now that you have said your thing to her let it be. It took me 4 years to get around the confusion (so much gaslighting...) to structure the mouth full I wanted to give her, but when it came out, god was it structured, and god was it worth it. However, I would have let it and her drop well before hand had I known early on what i know now. As I have said in other posts, I regretted for the first time in my life not being homosexual. Had she been a he it would have ended up in a very bad fist fight.

Keep learning on this forum HPDhelp, and forget her, she's poisonous.

Take care, Musician.

Thanks Musician, and I fully apreciate I am just a lightweight when it comes to being hurt, life messed up etc - you have certainly been through it mate - respect.
I know I won't win, just 'even' would be nice.

I don't think that anyone who makes it as far as this forum, then pours out is a light weight. We have all been hurt in different ways, but often under similar circumstances and by girls with similar characteristics. Some men on here have children with these girls (and some girls have children with HPD men also...) only to find out the truth of their nature after 10 years of marriage and 2 children; those are the ones that really have reason to feel hurt. They shall likely have to live with the consequences far longer than you and I. In a few cases on this forum, events such as getting married after a 7 year relationship then finding ones new wife screwing the hotel pool attendent during their honeymoon has happened. Again these poor people have something to complain about. I have read a little about your case, and I know my own, and in both case i have the impression that our X's abused and winded our vanity sufficiently for us to feel mega-humiliation and subsequently to bear a grudge. The impression that I have after 4 years of battle with myself, and having read about many of the cases on this forum, is that it is all about strength of self. Eventually our problem is not with our X's, its with ourselves, and simply because our X's found our weak spots and used it to their own advantage. The more I move forward (personally), the more i feel that continued introspection and repair to the weaker parts of my own self are the key to healing and rising above this enigmatic grudge that I feel towards my X. I notice many others on here feel that same kind of grudge, and i perceive that by pinpointing the events and the weaknesses those events exacerbated in us; then trying to repair these; we shall be able to move towards greater strenght of self, and eventually total indifference to what happened.

Cheers T

I hear you on the grudge thing, and looking at myself closely. I thought I was a pretty good judge of character, well I am with 'normal' people, just HPD's don't play by the rules. That has annoyed me greatly, I am cross with myself more than anything.

She is going to the police tomorrow BTW, just got an email off her. All good fun. Maybe the NC really has wound her up?? who knows, who cares more to the point! Madness.

I think you are right Musician mate, just got this in - poisonous or what! So - do you think she's HPD?

I did not think it necessary to list the things that I could do but as we are
on the subject as you continue to interfere in my life I will interfere in
yours. Never mind not using your work email I will complain directly to your
HR department and copy in the MD to let them know I am being harrassed by one
of their employees.

Of course I will let your wife know, you are contacting my family I will contact
yours. She will know exactly what type of person you are by the time I am
finished. I notice your daughter is on facebook. You message my best friend,
I will do the same back to you. I have never mentioned this harrassment to
anyone but I am going to work tonight to tell the people who I work for and
every single person who comes in the pub. I see no reason to keep your vile
behaviour secret. I have asked you to leave me alone and you will not.

Yes I do get talked about as I am more intelligent, better educated, better
looking and far superior to the in-breds round here. It has bred a lot of
jealousy. It is safe to say no one ever talks about you.

Actually, it's direct, concise, and specific. Although it's not nice, it is well-written. And it is sparingly punctuated. None of those are typical traits for HPD correspondence. The only part that really rang a bell with me was the comment about "inbreds".

I wouldn't want to judge off one email, of course.

The style may be good - she is a smart cookie - but the contents is just malicious and totally unnecessary. She has written other things to me 'in heat' that you would think a ten year old had written though. She has got to the 'dangerous' stage now so enough already.

Hi HPDhelp:
I agree with Caro. There are 2 potential things that for me point to HPD. One is the tone of total calmness that the letter is written in. What she is basically saying is an "eye for an eye" a "tooth for a tooth". She is also saying "don't throw stones if you live in a glass house"...and you do! You potentially have your job, your wife, your daughter and your home to lose...and trust me...that is big time serious (though you may not realise it yet...)... ! For me, her last phrase is the second point and is so, so, so HPD!! However, what can you do about that? Absolutely nothing. By trying actively to turn her family and friends against her you shall just turn them against you and increase their protection towards her (as a needy, selfish little drama queen, its probably exactly what she wants to obtain from the situation whilst ruining you; double win for her, double lose for you...)!

My recommendation is that you now keep away from her friends and family, and concentrate upon your own. Your reactions are human, but based upon what she says, she is ready to slay you and already has enough evidence to do it. Don't give her anymore, and to calm things, you may wish to write her an appology letter (you are not really appologizing, its a strategy to protect yourself and undermine her actions against you...) explaining that you were very hurt and therefore you lost your temper; that you wish her well, that you are trying to forgive and forget; and that all this won't happen again. Even though it may go against what you feel, you must calm things and smooth it over. You shall need to move forward with your head not your heart.

After this I recommend you forget this girl as soon as possible, and if you cannot, I recommend that you get some therapy to help you distance yourself before something really dramatic happens. I too was (and still am...) married, have a little girl, and a home to protect, but I was the one to break it off with my X, and then having talked it through with my wife, we stopped our divorce. Today i am very much in love with my wife again, I receive much love in return, and my whole family and home environment is worth gold. Unfortunately you sometimes have to almost lose it to realise that. I have been given a second chance. However, I never once tried to contact my X's family (I think they at least know very well with whom they are dealing...), or her friends about how she is, which is my perception, and the perception of numerous others, but without doubt not everyones. Also once I ended the relationship, my total contact over 4 years resumes to 4 or 5 emails when I decided i want to never have have anything to do with her anymore (we had stayed close friends for over a year after i broke off, but she was constantly enticing me to her which I found perverse as she knew i was trying again with my wife; she was encouraging me to work at my marriage on the one side; yet perversely, trying to get me back into her bed on the other...paradoxes and confusion!!), and the 2 recently where i had learned enough to be able to confront her factually and coldly on what i perceive ot be her absurd actions during our relationship. Therefore, my situation may be somewhat different to yours.

Please take care HPDhelp I think you may be (sorry if i am off target) walking a very thin line between indifference (the desired and only positive direction for you...) versus passion and hate (this could go very bad...). You need to make sure you fall on the right side of that line.

Musician

Not really an 'eye for an eye', more like an 'eye' for my entire life!- or she thinks. It's not me that's writing the angry, nasty emails, it's her, even after 3 weeks of virtually NC, I am still harassing her! All I did, about a month ago, was say I would talk to her parents, (that's why I started this topic in the first place, should I or shouldn't I tell her parents) as they might listen, if she wouldn't listen and talk to me about getting some help & diagnosis.That's when she went into panic, 'threatening stalker' mode, obviously terrified her 'good girl' persona cover would be blown. You are right too about the letter, she has her 'cool calm assassin' head on for sure, not her usual style.
I haven't forgotten what you said about the bull never wins, it's just the bull**** she comes out with that astounds me. Don't worry, I am quite indifferent. I have been through a divorce a long time ago so I know what 'hate' is and I vowed then never to do 'hate' again, that really eats you up. I pity her if anything.

HPDhelp wrote:Not really an 'eye for an eye', more like an 'eye' for my entire life!- or she thinks. It's not me that's writing the angry, nasty emails, it's her, even after 3 weeks of virtually NC, I am still harassing her! All I did, about a month ago, was say I would talk to her parents, (that's why I started this topic in the first place, should I or shouldn't I tell her parents) as they might listen, if she wouldn't listen and talk to me about getting some help & diagnosis.That's when she went into panic, 'threatening stalker' mode, obviously terrified her 'good girl' persona cover would be blown. You are right too about the letter, she has her 'cool calm assassin' head on for sure, not her usual style.
I haven't forgotten what you said about the bull never wins, it's just the bull**** she comes out with that astounds me. Don't worry, I am quite indifferent. I have been through a divorce a long time ago so I know what 'hate' is and I vowed then never to do 'hate' again, that really eats you up. I pity her if anything.

Contempt works best and hurts them the most.